Need Help/Advice with Hubby

[FrenchieDivine]

My first post here, I have been on for years and lost my info, never said much but learned a lot. I need advice and or help. My husband and I don't have sex. Bottom line. Let me explain. We decided to not have sex before we got married 3 years ago. Now, here we are 3 years later and nothing. I think we have had full blown sex once. We mess around a little, but that usually consists of me bugging him to give him oral, he lets me, and sometimes he will touch me. I want full blown sex. He has had a problem with keeping it up, but I hear him in the shower doing it for himself, and if I bring it up, he gets angry. He also will not participate in talking dirty or even flirting with me. Here is the kicker, I have caught him online talking very dirty to women, but I get nothing. I am highly frustrated, sad and I feel I have nobody I can be this blunt with, hence the reason I am posting here. Any help would be wonderful. Oh and yes, I have tried toys( that is a no go), he hates lingerie and I feel shame when I have to ask for any physical attention. What gets me is that he is capable of saying it, I have read his words to other women. Please help me! Thanks ya'll!

 

[FrenchieDivine]

Hi, thank you for replying. We decided, well I did because I felt that sex was always what ruined my past relationships, I really wanted this one to work out and I wanted no sexual pressure. I have a very high sex drive, and I felt he did too. I think he does, just not with me. Yes, I spoke with him, and his only answer is that he likes the thrill of the chase kind of thing, but ok you have a real woman right beside you. I am beyond baffled and so confused.

 

[norfolklad]

My first post here, I have been on for years and lost my info, never said much but learned a lot. I need advice and or help. My husband and I don't have sex. Bottom line. Let me explain. We decided to not have sex before we got married 3 years ago. Now, here we are 3 years later and nothing. I think we have had full blown sex once. We mess around a little, but that usually consists of me bugging him to give him oral, he lets me, and sometimes he will touch me. I want full blown sex. He has had a problem with keeping it up, but I hear him in the shower doing it for himself, and if I bring it up, he gets angry. He also will not participate in talking dirty or even flirting with me. Here is the kicker, I have caught him online talking very dirty to women, but I get nothing. I am highly frustrated, sad and I feel I have nobody I can be this blunt with, hence the reason I am posting here. Any help would be wonderful. Oh and yes, I have tried toys( that is a no go), he hates lingerie and I feel shame when I have to ask for any physical attention. What gets me is that he is capable of saying it, I have read his words to other women. Please help me! Thanks ya'll!

You quite definitely have a problem and I'm not sure what you can do about it.

Clearly, he has the ability to get an erection, so it's probably not a physical problem, but it takes a certain type of person/situation/thought/image to bring it about. And, sadly, you don't seem to do it for him. It does happen, sadly. You can really, really like someone a lot in every other way, even love them, but they simply don't turn you on. It's not your fault or his, it's just the way things are.

In a way, you have pointed out one of the benefits of pre-marital sex. This problem would have been revealed before you married had you not agreed to abstain and might have been more easily resolved at that point -not that that helps you now. One question would have to be: why did he marry you when he didn't fancy you sexually? Does he feel guilty about his 'interests' and felt that he should go for a more 'normal' marriage?

I suspect that this is something that only counselling might resolve, and maybe even that won't provide an answer.

 

[silverwhisper]

sounds like there are a few issues:

1. impotence is a huge problem, and it's obviously something about which he's not comfortable talking, quite possibly due to sheer embarrassment. it's possible he doesn't want to be intimate for fear of disappointing if he can't get it up.

2. you agreed not to have sex at all of any kind for 3 years prior to getting married? OK, what's done is done but wow, would i have counseled you differently at that time. anyway: 3 years of doing it alone have likely trained him how to get off without you. this may in fact relate to 1, above.

3. your libido is totally out of whack with his. you have to beg him to suck him off and he doesn't reciprocate at all? so you have absolutely no idea what he's like sexually and have no basis for comparison?

you two need a counselor or therapist. it's hard for you to talk to him about his impotence and obviously he's deeply resistant to discussing it. but his furtive endeavors that don't include you--that's a cancer that needs to be rooted out quickly, decisively and permanently.

and you need to do him the honor of saying this in unambiguous terms: no beating around the bush, no soft-pedaling.

you went 3 years+ without sex. that damage is not irreparable but it needs to be undone and existing habits very likely need to be unlearned. you don't appear to have any problem making him the object of your sexual attention. he apparently does, and any of the foregoing--or a combo of all--might be substantially related.

ed

 

[FrenchieDivine]

So you've never had sex? Because sex ruins your relationships? And now not having sex is .... ruining your relationship?

I'm also baffled and confused.

Rain, I have had sex before, and we decided to just not do it before we got married. We have had sex once in three years and it was really good. Now, the only thing he will do is let me give him oral. He will touch, and sometimes attempt sex, but that is very rare, when he does try, he doesn't complete, he is all ready and then it is gone. Like he realizes what he is doing and can't.

 

[FrenchieDivine]

You quite definitely have a problem and I'm not sure what you can do about it.

Clearly, he has the ability to get an erection, so it's probably not a physical problem, but it takes a certain type of person/situation/thought/image to bring it about. And, sadly, you don't seem to do it for him. It does happen, sadly. You can really, really like someone a lot in every other way, even love them, but they simply don't turn you on. It's not your fault or his, it's just the way things are.

In a way, you have pointed out one of the benefits of pre-marital sex. This problem would have been revealed before you married had you not agreed to abstain and might have been more easily resolved at that point -not that that helps you now. One question would have to be: why did he marry you when he didn't fancy you sexually? Does he feel guilty about his 'interests' and felt that he should go for a more 'normal' marriage?

I suspect that this is something that only counselling might resolve, and maybe even that won't provide an answer.

First off thank you for replying. I have asked to go to counseling and he refuses, I suppose out of shame. Before we were married, we were very "hot" for each other, we made out, and almost gave it, but didn't. I figured it would make sex better by the time we actually got to the level. Total opposite, now I get a half armed hug and a peck on the lips as he leaves for work. Nothing more. I feel the normal feelings of it's my fault, somehow, I am not unattractive I don't think, I pride myself in taking care of my appearance but now I find myself asking what I could do to me to make him want me. I love him dearly, but it is a huge wall between us.

 

[FrenchieDivine]

sounds like there are a few issues:

1. impotence is a huge problem, and it's obviously something about which he's not comfortable talking, quite possibly due to sheer embarrassment. it's possible he doesn't want to be intimate for fear of disappointing if he can't get it up.

2. you agreed not to have sex at all of any kind for 3 years prior to getting married? OK, what's done is done but wow, would i have counseled you differently at that time. anyway: 3 years of doing it alone have likely trained him how to get off without you. this may in fact relate to 1, above.

3. your libido is totally out of whack with his. you have to beg him to suck him off and he doesn't reciprocate at all? so you have absolutely no idea what he's like sexually and have no basis for comparison?

you two need a counselor or therapist. it's hard for you to talk to him about his impotence and obviously he's deeply resistant to discussing it. but his furtive endeavors that don't include you--that's a cancer that needs to be rooted out quickly, decisively and permanently.

and you need to do him the honor of saying this in unambiguous terms: no beating around the bush, no soft-pedaling.

you went 3 years+ without sex. that damage is not irreparable but it needs to be undone and existing habits very likely need to be unlearned. you don't appear to have any problem making him the object of your sexual attention. he apparently does, and any of the foregoing--or a combo of all--might be substantially related.

ed

Thank you so very much. This says so much to me. We have no clue what the other likes, needs, sexually, I have tried every turn on, anything and everything I could conjure up and its results are the same. When I just hit it head on and talk about it he becomes angry, I know he is capable of speaking "dirty" if you will because I have seen and caught him talking to women in a very sexual way. That part bothered, I feel I am in this alone with him, that he is ok with the occasional blow at my urging and I am left to fin for myself. I think he does suffer from a mental block, he gets so far and just can't and now just doesn't care because he doesn't want to deal with the problem, but slowly it has made me very angry, hurt and feeling rejected. I agree, we need to get to the root of this matter, now, right now, but he is a no go, he doesn't want to, he says no counselor belongs in his business. Thank you so much for taking the time to write all that you did, it makes me feel like what I am feeling isn't abnormal or weird.

 

[norfolklad]

...He will touch, and sometimes attempt sex, but that is very rare, when he does try, he doesn't complete, he is all ready and then it is gone. Like he realizes what he is doing and can't.

Could there be a stress factor involved? Stress of all types can result in the sort of sudden deflation you mention and then the fact of not being able to perform can increase the stress levels even further. Backing away is a common reaction to that.

You say that you had sex before and that it ruined your relationships. Two questions:

Had he had much experience before he met you?
Is he aware that sex ruined your past relationships? If so, maybe he has a worry that it could ruin yours.

 

[NightL]

Re. below quote - if a close friend of yours confided to you what you have discussed here, what would your advice be to that person? What would your heart wish to say to your dear friend?

Thank you so very much. This says so much to me. We have no clue what the other likes, needs, sexually, I have tried every turn on, anything and everything I could conjure up and its results are the same. When I just hit it head on and talk about it he becomes angry, I know he is capable of speaking "dirty" if you will because I have seen and caught him talking to women in a very sexual way. That part bothered, I feel I am in this alone with him, that he is ok with the occasional blow at my urging and I am left to fin for myself. I think he does suffer from a mental block, he gets so far and just can't and now just doesn't care because he doesn't want to deal with the problem, but slowly it has made me very angry, hurt and feeling rejected. I agree, we need to get to the root of this matter, now, right now, but he is a no go, he doesn't want to, he says no counselor belongs in his business. Thank you so much for taking the time to write all that you did, it makes me feel like what I am feeling isn't abnormal or weird.

 

[silverwhisper]

frenchie, if you've been on HT for a while, you've no doubt seen my posts. but please remember that none of us know you or your husband, and that no matter how fair-minded you are, there is almost certainly some important piece of the puzzle that is missing, if only his perception.

what you're describing about him does not paint a very nice picture of him. i think you know that. so i think that you need to ask him two simple questions: does he still want to be married to you, and does he still love you?

and i think you need to be prepared for the answer to either/both to be no.

if the answer to both is yes though, then he needs an ultimatum: this lack of sex and his dirty chatting with others is unacceptable and if he refuses to work with you on changing things, there's no point in staying together.

because there isn't: he isn't respecting you as a woman, never mind a lover or life partner.

when a wife has to beg her husband to give him a hummer and he does nothing in response? that's fucked up, frenchie.

and i think you know that, too.

ed

 

[NightL]

Every thing silverwhisper wrote - totally

 

[Bert_Fegg]

The best sex I ever had was with a woman in exactly your position. She had a high sex drive, her husband didn't and he'd gone off her physically. Eventually she sought satisfaction outside the relationship [me]. Anyway, having gone this route I'd advise against it. It works well in the short term, but creates long term problems.

Nonetheless, it's obvious from what you say that your relationship isn't working, which leaves you with two alternatives. Fix it or bail. You won't fix your relationship without your husband's full cooperation. There's really no easy way to fix this. If you can't communicate then you don't have a relationship. The hardest thing in the world is to cut someone out of your life that you love, but you're either going to have to do that or get used to an unhappy life, if you can't get him talking to you. I would explain this to him, give him an ultimatum and then start packing.

 

[norfolklad]

Every thing silverwhisper wrote - totally

I don't always go with everything that silverwhisper suggests but I, too, agree heartily with everything he's said here.

The best sex I ever had was with a woman in exactly your position. She had a high sex drive, her husband didn't and he'd gone off her physically. Eventually she sought satisfaction outside the relationship [me]. Anyway, having gone this route I'd advise against it. It works well in the short term, but creates long term problems.

Nonetheless, it's obvious from what you say that your relationship isn't working, which leaves you with two alternatives. Fix it or bail. You won't fix your relationship without your husband's full cooperation. There's really no easy way to fix this. If you can't communicate then you don't have a relationship. The hardest thing in the world is to cut someone out of your life that you love, but you're either going to have to do that or get used to an unhappy life, if you can't get him talking to you. I would explain this to him, give him an ultimatum and then start packing.

There is a third option. Fix it, or learn to live with it, or bail. My addition is hard but no harder than the other two. And I wouldn't rule out seeking solace elsewhere, with or without your husband's knowledge as you prefer. Handled carefully, long term problems are not as inevitable as Bert suggests but be aware that they might arise and be ready to handle them if they do.

 

[Wildnites27]

My suggestion is: Catch him online talking dirty to women again and then while he is already aroused try to seduce him. There is a good chance that because he is already turned on to the other women then he may not be resistant to having sex with you.

 

[Bert_Fegg]

I don't always go with everything that silverwhisper suggests but I, too, agree heartily with everything he's said here.



There is a third option. Fix it, or learn to live with it, or bail. My addition is hard but no harder than the other two. And I wouldn't rule out seeking solace elsewhere, with or without your husband's knowledge as you prefer. Handled carefully, long term problems are not as inevitable as Bert suggests but be aware that they might arise and be ready to handle them if they do.

I very nearly included learning to live with it as an option, but I didn't because the fact that the situation is the subject of an internet discussion suggests that someone's already finding it intolerable. Learning to live with it is just another way of saying put up with a shitty situation until your soul withers away. Piss on that - you won't get any of the days back that you waste with someone who makes you feel like shit. If he wants to be with you he'll put the work in to keep you - if he won't, then he's no great loss.

P.S. Virtually everyone who knows me says I give shite relationship advice.

 

[October46]

My first post here, I have been on for years and lost my info, never said much but learned a lot. I need advice and or help. My husband and I don't have sex. Bottom line. Let me explain. We decided to not have sex before we got married 3 years ago. Now, here we are 3 years later and nothing. I think we have had full blown sex once. We mess around a little, but that usually consists of me bugging him to give him oral, he lets me, and sometimes he will touch me. I want full blown sex. He has had a problem with keeping it up, but I hear him in the shower doing it for himself, and if I bring it up, he gets angry. He also will not participate in talking dirty or even flirting with me. Here is the kicker, I have caught him online talking very dirty to women, but I get nothing. I am highly frustrated, sad and I feel I have nobody I can be this blunt with, hence the reason I am posting here. Any help would be wonderful. Oh and yes, I have tried toys( that is a no go), he hates lingerie and I feel shame when I have to ask for any physical attention. What gets me is that he is capable of saying it, I have read his words to other women. Please help me! Thanks ya'll!

Sad to say, but you must think about leaving him. He probably has a short time span before he ejaculates, thus no lasting power, this might be why he does this to you. I wish you the best of luck no matter what you decide.

 

[robertreams]

Hi, thank you for replying. We decided, well I did because I felt that sex was always what ruined my past relationships, I really wanted this one to work out and I wanted no sexual pressure. I have a very high sex drive, and I felt he did too. I think he does, just not with me. Yes, I spoke with him, and his only answer is that he likes the thrill of the chase kind of thing, but ok you have a real woman right beside you. I am beyond baffled and so confused.

First of all I would like to repeat one of the most classic themes in iterature: (Ray Bradbury is a master of it) Be careful what you ask for! As it is, you were stupid to make such an greement. That said, I see only one thing you can do. Deliver an ultimatum, you can do this gently, caringly but firmly. "I was mistaken to make such an idiot agreement with you. I am sorry, but I need a full active sex life. I love you , but you have 15 days. At the end of tha time I am going to have sex with someone. I hope that someoneis you, but if not, that will be your choice.
" Then a litte kiss and no discussion. Then you can remind him, no more often than daily. Then DO IT!

 

[pplwatching]

There's nothing wrong with having made a mutual choice not to have sex before getting married. You had very valid reasons to make that choice. Without knowing anything about your husband beyond the few paragraphs that you've written, it sounds like he may not have chosen that arrangement for the right reasons. At the very least he wasn't completely honest with you.

Sex is a critical part of a healthy marriage. It fosters a deeper intimate bond and emotional connection between lovers. Some people are terrified of that kind of deeply intimate connection and will avoid sex because it allows them to avoid becoming too deeply emotionally entwined with their spouse. In your case you have another deeply troubling issue. Whether or not he's avoiding intimacy with you, your husband is making conscious choices and engaging in activities that are not only disrespectful to you but are destructive to your marriage. There are those who might argue that if he's not having sex with other women then raunchy chat isn't "cheating" or being unfaithful. The root of the word "adultery" is "adulterate", which means to make something less pure or poorer in quality. Your husband is intentionally adulterating your marriage by meeting his own sexual needs outside of your marriage, while completely ignoring your needs. While your husband may very well have physical problems having sex, replacing you with other women is a very different problem, even if they are only virtual. To me it seems like the root of the problem may lay elsewhere.

The question is, are you willing to stay in a marriage with a man who appears in these few paragraphs to care so little for your marriage and your feelings? Perhaps a more important question is, what are you willing to do to have the kind of relationship that you want and deserve? If you really want your marriage with this man to be all that it can be, including a vibrant sex life, then you may need to come to grips with the fact that sometimes in order to save something you have to be prepared to lose it. By becoming defensive and angry your husband is controlling the communication with you, unilaterally controlling your marriage, and controlling you.

You have choices to make. You can choose to stay and live with it, but realize that it is your choice and it's a choice that will not change anything. If you want to have a healthy marriage with this man, then you need to assert yourself. That may need to include an ultimatum that he seek help with you, or lose you. Unfortunately, you need to be prepared for the possibility that he would rather lose you than build a healthy marriage with you. If your husband is unwilling or unable to take any steps to build a healthy emotional and sexual relationship with you then for all intents and purposes your marriage is over. It's up to you to know when trying is not enough.

Unfortunately sometimes we choose broken people, and that leads to broken relationships. In my humble opinion there's nothing to be gained by second guessing whether or not having sex with your husband before you married him would have made any difference. Marriage message boards are littered with stories of people who had great sex lives before they married, only to discover that the commitment of marriage changes everything. Your husband may or may not have intimacy issues or sexual issues beyond his control, but choosing to shut you out is a choice that he's made. It's time for you to make choices of your own.

I wish you the best in your marriage and future.

 

[SunDevilGirl]

what you're describing about him does not paint a very nice picture of him. i think you know that. so i think that you need to ask him two simple questions: does he still want to be married to you, and does he still love you?

and i think you need to be prepared for the answer to either/both to be no.

if the answer to both is yes though, then he needs an ultimatum: this lack of sex and his dirty chatting with others is unacceptable and if he refuses to work with you on changing things, there's no point in staying together.

because there isn't: he isn't respecting you as a woman, never mind a lover or life partner.

when a wife has to beg her husband to give him a hummer and he does nothing in response? that's fucked up, frenchie.

and i think you know that, too.

ed

I agree with all of this!!!

What comes next for you is not going to be easy but you must do something now. Don't wait another day.

His behavior would be a deal-breaker for me...married or not.

 

[BertrandRussell]

I think that it come down to which of three simple options are least painful for you

1) You leave him
2) You do whatever is neccesary to get him to change
3) You live with it.

In your posts so far, you indicate that 3 is not an option. ( Good for you. I wouldn't put up with that kind of disrespect either. )

IMHO, he sounds too damaged and too lost to ever change in this lifetime. So scratch #2.

So that leaves one option: break it off. Divorce him. Look for a better man elsewhere. Sorry, but that is my recommendation.

 

[drinkz]

Hey NightL, whine much?

 

[drinkz]

Hey NightL, whine much?

 

[Que]

When there is little to no sex in a marriage people often soft-pedal it with platitudes of "sex isn't the only thing" and the like.

Sex is the point.

I can have an infiinite number of platonic friends. Some may not like each other but should any of them begrudge my non-sexual friendships? No.

So, absent sex, there is NO point to the exclusivity of marriage.

Being in every way sexually incompatible is the reason that the concept of anullment exists in law and even heavilly religious spheres.

Get out. This will destroy you.

In existing marriages any less than 10 couplings a year, you are in a sexless marriage. If it wasn't always like that, fix it together or end it. If if was always like that, you don't have a marriage.

 

[Diver469]

When I first read you post, I thought I could offer some advice. However I think most of the important points have already been answered. This is something you and your husband need to both address. All you can do is express your concerns with him. It is going to be his decision to listen and agree to try to change the dynamics of your marriage. I say his decision because you have already come to the realization something needs to change. You will both probably need therapy, both singly and together.

I wish you all the luck in the world. In the end you have to do what is best for you.

 

[October46]

Now how the hell would you know this? That's awful "advice" even by your standards.

Hey Drunkz, I see you are still stalking me, love it, I have a fan!