should cheating be kept secret?

[hardcollege4]

I have seen articles lately that suggest that cheating without the other person finding out might actually make for a stronger relationship! Also I have read that telling after you've cheated is selfish because it only serves to help the cheater clear his/her conscience and will undoubtedly hurt the other person.

Any thoughts or experiences about keeping infidelity under wraps?

 

[smallgirl]

I have seen articles lately that suggest that cheating without the other person finding out might actually make for a stronger relationship! Also I have read that telling after you've cheated is selfish because it only serves to help the cheater clear his/her conscience and will undoubtedly hurt the other person.

Any thoughts or experiences about keeping infidelity under wraps?

MY stand has always been if you did it and got away with it, then keep it to yourself if the cheating ends. I'd rather not know and live in ignorant bliss than to have a man's conscience cleared by telling me.

This actually happened to me. Hubby cheated and came clean 2 years later. Seriously?

 

[hardcollege4]

MY stand has always been if you did it and got away with it, then keep it to yourself if the cheating ends. I'd rather not know and live in ignorant bliss than to have a man's conscience cleared by telling me.

This actually happened to me. Hubby cheated and came clean 2 years later. Seriously?

Right it seems like at that point the cheater is just helping themselves clear their own conscience

 

[alexx_is]

Even though I don't do it, I'm pretty open minded when it comes to cheating. I thought that would change when I'm in a serious relationship but it hasn't. If he cheats on me, I'd rather he confessed immediately. I'd find the lying part more annoying. And I really can't imagine how something like that can remain hidden forever, so I'd rather know as soon as possible. From him.
In a nutshell, if he cheats, I find out, he lies about it - I dump him. If he cheats and confesses - we find the problem and solve it.

 

[HoldYouDown]

I have seen articles lately that suggest that cheating without the other person finding out might actually make for a stronger relationship! Also I have read that telling after you've cheated is selfish because it only serves to help the cheater clear his/her conscience and will undoubtedly hurt the other person.

Rationalizations.

When you cheat you run the risk of hurting your partner, period. If you've considered the worst-case consequences of your potential actions and are willing to accept them, knock yourself out.

Couples may say after the fact that it made their relationship stronger, but I doubt the aggrieved partner would go through it again given the choice.

As for not confessing, I don't know which is preferable, but most people don't tell because they don't want to get in trouble. I can understand sparing your partner grief as a secondary reason.

 

[Beck31]

No. The cheating should be admitted. There is a chance the relationship can be saved with honesty. Sure trust will have to be earned back. That's just my opinion.

 

[prdigy666]

If I cheat, I'm done with the relationship anyways... So I'm probably telling her just because I want her to leave and ran out of options...

 

[KarsynCurious]

I have seen articles lately that suggest that cheating without the other person finding out might actually make for a stronger relationship! Also I have read that telling after you've cheated is selfish because it only serves to help the cheater clear his/her conscience and will undoubtedly hurt the other person.

Any thoughts or experiences about keeping infidelity under wraps?

If you've acted on it, you should come clean and move on. By contrast, plenty of people have healthy sex lives where the give one-another permission to explore with others. It's far more common than you might thing; and also easier on the conscience.

 

[LucyH]

If I am in a monogamous relationship and I trust my partner to protect my health by not sleeping around (rather than the two of us using condoms), and they slip up, I want to know immediately. Not tomorrow. Not two years from now. Today.

Will the incident improve our relationship? Probably not. But if my partner has enough respect for me to tell me what happened so I can decide whether I want to go back to using condoms at least for a while, then it's not going to destroy all trust. If someone cheats and doesn't fess up and and I find out later, I'm not sure I'd be able to get over that. I don't really want to be in a relationship with someone who's going to presume to decide for me what kind of risks I'm going to take.

Maybe it would be different if had an emotional need for monogamy. I don't. I just keep meeting people who prefer it, and it does have its practical advantages.

 

[SexyAlison]

Yes it should

 

[SecretlifeofAL]

I have seen articles lately that suggest that cheating without the other person finding out might actually make for a stronger relationship! Also I have read that telling after you've cheated is selfish because it only serves to help the cheater clear his/her conscience and will undoubtedly hurt the other person.

Any thoughts or experiences about keeping infidelity under wraps?

I personally think its wrong either way. I've never had any type of relationship in my life but I think I'd probably feel betrayed whether or not my (future) significant other let me know about her affair especially if we both agreed to a monogamous and exclusive relationship.

I'd probably, however be more hurt if she didn't tell me about it and I found out on my own or she dropped a bombshell on me by saying in the middle of our time together she's leaving me for someone else. As I've said, its a betrayal of trust. I'd probably also kind of feel bad that I wasn't invited to watch or join in.

I think in these thing there has to be relationship boundaries and rules for both parties to follow. If one partner isn't following those rules or respecting those boundaries then there's a problem.

Rather than cheat I'd like my (future) significant other to be honest with me about her needs or desire to explore extra-relationship affairs. If she wants an open relationship and I'm willing and comfortable with her enough to try it, then I'd rather her be up front about it. I'd also like it if she were understanding and considerate enough to listen to my own desires and needs.

Even then, affairs outside of the relationship, discussed or not, can be dangerous. You don't know who you're going to get. The SO could end up developing feelings for this other person and a number of other things

Aside from all that has been said, I wouldn't mind role playing an affair. You know, sneaking away, getting a hotel room somewhere, calling my FSO pretending to be someone else, telling her to meet me at the hotel and greeting her with chocolates, champagne, a bubble bath and rose petals leading to either the bed or bath (something like that anyway). Its been a fantasy of mine for a while. Another one I'd like to try is the seductive neighbor while out on one of my walks.

As for whether I'd cheat on my SO or have any kind of affair, I feel that I'd have to have some kind of emotional connection first. Having sex with someone is different from just watching a video online at least for me. I'm a Pisces (Whether you believe in astrology or not) so I think I'd probably emotionally cheat on someone before I do anything physical. Its still wrong and I'd eventually feel bad about it. So...um...sorry for the long post.

 

[MarriedMelissa]

I am sorry but you should not tell if you cheated. I have cheated too many times and although I know it is wrong, I am not having relationships, just sex because I am a bad wife (yes - I probably don't deserve my husband). I will not ever tell him because it will hurt him. I just know it will. Please don't tell

 

[dave's thing]

Melissa you cheat!!!!???

 

[kaitlyn_sun]

from a strictly word-definition-y standpoint... once it's no longer kept a secret, it's not cheating, it's an open relationship...

 

[emma_the_librarian]

I'm in favor of the open relationship.
That way he can show me that I'm his priority. I am willing to share, but I prefer to be first in line.

 

[Felix_Jones]

No experience either way here, I guess I only have a philosophical point.

Who does the admission of guilt serve? Obviously if you tell a romantic partner that you've stepped out it's going to cause some sort of negative reaction. So then, do you assuage your own guilt and unload the awful truth? Or do you protect your partners emotions and live with the corrosive secret?

I guess it depends on the type of person you are. I read some long-winded essay about how in our modern world we maybe forgive too easily, and that forgiveness requires a sacrifice that we're not willing to make. Do you tell your partner that you've been between a strangers legs and have him sacrifice a bit of trust in order to stay with you? Or do you keep it to yourself, where the sacrifice is a bit of your own moral degradation every time you see your partner and are reminded of your betrayal?

Either way, people stray and they lie, and relationships seem less and less worth the effort.

 

[AbleIdea]

I say no. While digression is one thing, lies are another. They weigh on your mind and always come out eventually. I tell almost every girl I begin dating about my relationship with my sister. They are either intrigued in a soap opera sorta way, dismissive like they just dont want to think about it but accept it, or they are pissed and dont believe me and think im just trying to scare them off. In longer relationships they've worried that they'll never really "have" me. The one that passes that test is gonna be the one I'll marry. However, while the honesty causes some friction at times, I learned from losing a long amazing relationship I had with someone I planned on marrying when she found out about my sister. Live and learn, and dont lie

 

[norfolklad]

I'm in two minds about this.

First is that cheating is just wrong and leads to the weakening of a relationship from both sides. It creates jealousies and mistrust in the person who has been cheated on if they ever suspect or even find out. But it's less the fact that you did it, more that there is a side of your life that they can no longer share with you, more that you will probably end up lying to your partner and therein starts a slippery slope.

The second, though, is that no relationship is ever going to give you 100% of what you want, sexually or otherwise. Sometimes, a relationship may even give you close to 0%, perhaps because your partner is very ill, for example. The question then is, do you give up that missing part and possibly make yourself very unhappy, maybe even to the point at which the relationship is fatally weakened, or do you 'cheat'. Suppose that your partner is perfect in every other way but will not indulge in oral sex, a passion of yours. What do you do.

Or do you develop a trusting relationship with your partner that accepts that both of you have needs that the other cannot provide and will need to find elsewhere, but on the basis that you will always come home to them. But not everyone can accept the idea of such a relationship, so you're back to cheat or go without.

 

[norfolklad]

from a strictly word-definition-y standpoint... once it's no longer kept a secret, it's not cheating, it's an open relationship...

I would slightly disagree.

If it's discussed beforehand and agreed to, then it's not cheating. That's an open relationship.

If it's no longer kept a secret but it's still not agreed to, it is still cheating but it's not lying.

 

[policywank]

I am a terrible liar, so when I cheated I admitted it. It would have torn me up inside if I hadn't and it would have soon come out anyway in the worst possible way.

The issue isn't the single "lie" so much as the fact that the person is willing to lie. Even if one is protecting their partner from hurt it is a stretch for me to believe the lie is truly altruistic. So what else have you lied about on the trumped up premise of protecting me?

Of course not everyone sees it that way. Some people would rather not know and I respect that perspective. However, I would say then that the overriding perspective that must be taken into account is that of the person lied to not the one doing the lying.

I personally make it explicit that I would rather take the pain. I do not want to live a lie and only I am entitled to make the important decisions in my life. With that premise established anyone who does not respect that perspective is robbing me of the right to live my life the way I want.

 

[smallgirl]

I'm in two minds about this.

First is that cheating is just wrong and leads to the weakening of a relationship from both sides. It creates jealousies and mistrust in the person who has been cheated on if they ever suspect or even find out. But it's less the fact that you did it, more that there is a side of your life that they can no longer share with you, more that you will probably end up lying to your partner and therein starts a slippery slope.

The second, though, is that no relationship is ever going to give you 100% of what you want, sexually or otherwise. Sometimes, a relationship may even give you close to 0%, perhaps because your partner is very ill, for example. The question then is, do you give up that missing part and possibly make yourself very unhappy, maybe even to the point at which the relationship is fatally weakened, or do you 'cheat'. Suppose that your partner is perfect in every other way but will not indulge in oral sex, a passion of yours. What do you do.

Or do you develop a trusting relationship with your partner that accepts that both of you have needs that the other cannot provide and will need to find elsewhere, but on the basis that you will always come home to them. But not everyone can accept the idea of such a relationship, so you're back to cheat or go without.

That's very well said. I agree 100%. What do you do if your relationship gives you everything you need except for one thing? Do you divorce because sex is lacking but everything else is good? Or do you cheat? Or do you just live unhappy sexually and go without what you need?

Its the million dollar question with no right answer.

 

[hottalyssa]

That's very well said. I agree 100%. What do you do if your relationship gives you everything you need except for one thing? Do you divorce because sex is lacking but everything else is good? Or do you cheat? Or do you just live unhappy sexually and go without what you need?

Its the million dollar question with no right answer.

indeed smallgirl has just posed the million dollar question. in my own life i cheated on my husband with another woman. he gave me everything i needed(physically) except for one thing.... the touch of another woman. he was a great lover, very attentive to my needs. after he caught me in....shall we say a compromising position, he changed. and rightfully so. he became the hateful and mean spirited person i didnt even know existed.i take full responsibilty for the affair, i just wonder what life would be like today if i had found the courage to tell him how i felt and what i needed in my life.

 

[smallgirl]

indeed smallgirl has just posed the million dollar question. in my own life i cheated on my husband with another woman. he gave me everything i needed(physically) except for one thing.... the touch of another woman. he was a great lover, very attentive to my needs. after he caught me in....shall we say a compromising position, he changed. and rightfully so. he became the hateful and mean spirited person i didnt even know existed.i take full responsibilty for the affair, i just wonder what life would be like today if i had found the courage to tell him how i felt and what i needed in my life.

I'm sorry. I've been there, so I understand.
I have found myself wondering how you answer people asking why you divorced, or what happened in the marriage? How do you answer when it was a lacking of being sexually fulfilled that forced the end of the marriage?

 

[hottalyssa]

I'm sorry. I've been there, so I understand.
I have found myself wondering how you answer people asking why you divorced, or what happened in the marriage? How do you answer when it was a lacking of being sexually fulfilled that forced the end of the marriage?

i tell them the truth. altho i was not fulfilled, it wasnt his fault. i only wish i could have been more forthcoming. i was raised in a strict religious home and at the time i felt that my desires were going to send me to hell.my (now ex) husband was cocky...to say the least. he was an excellent lover and he couldnt understandmy desire for someone other than him. thats when my marriage got ugly. altho he fulfilled me sexually, i still longed for a womans touch. when i finally made that decision, there was no going back.

 

[smallgirl]

i tell them the truth. altho i was not fulfilled, it wasnt his fault. i only wish i could have been more forthcoming. i was raised in a strict religious home and at the time i felt that my desires were going to send me to hell.my (now ex) husband was cocky...to say the least. he was an excellent lover and he couldnt understandmy desire for someone other than him. thats when my marriage got ugly. altho he fulfilled me sexually, i still longed for a womans touch. when i finally made that decision, there was no going back.

I admire you. I wish I was that strong. But hubby doesn't fulfill me sexually and hasn't for awhile. I know I have to tell him-and I will. I just have to figure out where to start.