Feedback appreciated.

[ElizaRichards]

This was my first attempt at writing any sort of fiction, I would greatly appreciate any feedback or constructive criticism you have to offer. This was written 4 years ago and has been picked over by me ever since. After some encouragement I finally published it here. I have some other stories that I am working on and would be very interested in seeing some honest opinions on my writing style .
Thank you in advance!
Meeting Mitchell by ElizaRichards
http://www.literotica.com/s/meeting-mitchell

 

[Lustful_Intentions]

Hi Eliza,

I think there's a lot of good things here. You capture some very powerful, difficult emotions, especially, why we can't stop ourselves sometimes even if we know we are doing wrong?

There's a few places where the writing itself is a bit choppy-lots of short sentences, and a couple of places where you start a few consecutive sentences with the same word ('she', in ref. to Marissa, stood out there). I think that, often, we're so conditioned in school, etc, away from the dreaded run-on sentence that we're afraid to use punctuation, etc. to put a longer one together.

But, that's a quibble, all things being equal. I know when I pick through and work over a story for long enough, I end doing some things that, after I get feedback, I go "What the heck was I doing there?"

TLR version: It's a good effort

 

[FantasyXY]

Eliza,

Good story. I too end up writing little parts of stories, rehashing them, and then years later finishing and publishing them. What this process does to me is it makes it difficult to keep the emotion of a scene in the story intact. You've done a good job at keeping the story flow going in the right direction.

Loved the fact that is was short (one Lit page).

I usually don't comment on others comments, but in this case I wanted to add to something that Lustful said about the choppiness and short sentences. When I look back at the structure of a story I liked reading I find that deeper emotional thoughts by the characters are represented in longer, often compound sentences; while a gut reaction to something is shown in very short sentences. For me that "mapping" of the reader's mind tends to get lost as I re-work a story over an over.

As a reader I would have enjoyed a little bit more tension between Marissa and her husband over the trip. He could have still been accepting and let her go without a fight, but it would have been nice to give a reason for Marissa to have a mix of anxiety and excitement, which I assume is why she chain smoked the whole way there.

One last thought. Was sex with Mitchel different than it was with her husband? Did she feel like she loved Mitchel? Or was it just a huge release after years of sexual tension between Marissa and Mitchel? After I finished reading I wondered what Marissa got out of the whole experience.

Keep writing. You are too good not to share.

 

[ElizaRichards]

Hi Eliza,

I think there's a lot of good things here. You capture some very powerful, difficult emotions, especially, why we can't stop ourselves sometimes even if we know we are doing wrong?

There's a few places where the writing itself is a bit choppy-lots of short sentences, and a couple of places where you start a few consecutive sentences with the same word ('she', in ref. to Marissa, stood out there). I think that, often, we're so conditioned in school, etc, away from the dreaded run-on sentence that we're afraid to use punctuation, etc. to put a longer one together.

But, that's a quibble, all things being equal. I know when I pick through and work over a story for long enough, I end doing some things that, after I get feedback, I go "What the heck was I doing there?"

TLR version: It's a good effort

The dreaded "And how the hell do I start this sentence" problem. I struggle with this and I know that I end up starting a lot of sentences with the same word. It is definitely something I will continue to work on.
I have to admit, I know I am a bit too fond of the choppy sentence, probably because of my apprehension of screwing up the punctuation. I will keep that in mind in my future efforts. Thank you very much!

Eliza,

Good story. I too end up writing little parts of stories, rehashing them, and then years later finishing and publishing them. What this process does to me is it makes it difficult to keep the emotion of a scene in the story intact. You've done a good job at keeping the story flow going in the right direction.

Loved the fact that is was short (one Lit page).

I usually don't comment on others comments, but in this case I wanted to add to something that Lustful said about the choppiness and short sentences. When I look back at the structure of a story I liked reading I find that deeper emotional thoughts by the characters are represented in longer, often compound sentences; while a gut reaction to something is shown in very short sentences. For me that "mapping" of the reader's mind tends to get lost as I re-work a story over an over.

As a reader I would have enjoyed a little bit more tension between Marissa and her husband over the trip. He could have still been accepting and let her go without a fight, but it would have been nice to give a reason for Marissa to have a mix of anxiety and excitement, which I assume is why she chain smoked the whole way there.

One last thought. Was sex with Mitchel different than it was with her husband? Did she feel like she loved Mitchel? Or was it just a huge release after years of sexual tension between Marissa and Mitchel? After I finished reading I wondered what Marissa got out of the whole experience.

Keep writing. You are too good not to share.

I had purposefully left Marissa's husband as an afterthought. I was afraid to get too involved in that and go off on a tangent. This was first written with the intent of being the beginning of a series, and it may still be. If it becomes a series I will have to reintroduce that tension. Same goes for her possible deeper feelings for Mitchell.
I had never given any thought to mentioning how the sex with Mitchell would be different from the sex with her husband.....thank you so much for that suggestion, I think it will add a lot to the overall story should I continue it.
Thank you for your feedback!

 

[HalGenira]

Well done!!

A great first effort Eliza

I'm sure you've re-written this more times than you care to share. I'm sure you felt your own anxiousness in posting this story, just as Marissa was anxious on the way to meet her new lover. The excitement of the moment against the fear of rejection

The story stayed on target and I did feel that nervous tension in their opening conversation. And then the inevitable flip from giddy bravdo, into the passionate and lustfull encounter.

Further episodes can 'flesh out' the characters. I think its important not to try and tell too much in one sitting. Let their characters bare themselves to us, slowly, deliberately... One garment at a time.

Then

You'll have our undivided

Attention

 

[ElizaRichards]

A great first effort Eliza

I'm sure you've re-written this more times than you care to share. I'm sure you felt your own anxiousness in posting this story, just as Marissa was anxious on the way to meet her new lover. The excitement of the moment against the fear of rejection

The story stayed on target and I did feel that nervous tension in their opening conversation. And then the inevitable flip from giddy bravdo, into the passionate and lustfull encounter.

Further episodes can 'flesh out' the characters. I think its important not to try and tell too much in one sitting. Let their characters bare themselves to us, slowly, deliberately... One garment at a time.

Then

You'll have our undivided

Attention

Thank you Hal.
The more I think about this whole fantasy the closer I am coming to this being a series instead of a one time story.