First Submission: Feedback Request

[notprufrock]

Hello all.

I just had my first story approved, and would appreciate any feedback. The story is MF, and fairly vanilla, I guess. It can be found here: http://www.literotica.com/s/the-walk-8

Feedback on structure, style, or content is welcome.

Thanks!

 

[elfin_odalisque]

notprufrock - hi and congrats on your first posting.

Your writing is great but I found a problem without characters - more an IM conversation. There is no dialogue, which is the lifeblood of fiction (not only erotic). Also, there are no characters. 'You' and 'I' keep us simple readers out of the loop. You're not involving us with the people you want us to care about.

Erotic stories succeed not just because of the Tab A - Slot B stuff but because we readers want to identify in 3D. You write in first person but don't reveal yourself and 'you' is a turnoff.

Conversation, character development and trying to suck us into being interested in the lives of your protagonists would be a help.

 

[notprufrock]

notprufrock - hi and congrats on your first posting.

Your writing is great but I found a problem without characters - more an IM conversation. There is no dialogue, which is the lifeblood of fiction (not only erotic). Also, there are no characters. 'You' and 'I' keep us simple readers out of the loop. You're not involving us with the people you want us to care about.

Erotic stories succeed not just because of the Tab A - Slot B stuff but because we readers want to identify in 3D. You write in first person but don't reveal yourself and 'you' is a turnoff.

Conversation, character development and trying to suck us into being interested in the lives of your protagonists would be a help.

Thanks for the notes! I find I have a much more difficult time writing dialogue than I do descriptive writing.

Also, I see your point that without characterization it is more a conversation than a story. I wrote it with someone specific in mind, so that may be the problem.

I appreciate you taking the time to comment.

Cheers.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Thanks for the notes! I find I have a much more difficult time writing dialogue than I do descriptive writing.

Also, I see your point that without characterization it is more a conversation than a story. I wrote it with someone specific in mind, so that may be the problem.

I appreciate you taking the time to comment.

Cheers.

Dialogue isn't easy but it generally improves any story. Writing with someone specific in mind is good. You already understand the mind set of the characters, but we don't. As author, you need to stand back and develop your characters to make us care about them.

Good luck with your second story.

 

[sr71plt]

Your story is just fine, especially for a first submission. It's just a short vignette giving a sex scene, but it's very well written, has richer language and broader description than most "just sex scenes" on Literotica, and is a form that's very popular with a line of Literotica readers. There is nothing wrong with the you/I pronoun use, especially for a short entry like this, and, in fact, I think you have made this a stronger piece with the you/I construction than if you'd given them names. It's just silliness that all characters have to be given names for a reader to accept them as characters. The you/I construction contributes to the rather dreamy atmosphere of this. And you have quite enough dialogue in it, as well. Good effort and great story technique--pulled me right into the atmosphere you created.

 

[notprufrock]

Your story is just fine, especially for a first submission. It's just a short vignette giving a sex scene, but it's very well written, has richer language and broader description than most "just sex scenes" on Literotica, and is a form that's very popular with a line of Literotica readers. There is nothing wrong with the you/I pronoun use, especially for a short entry like this, and, in fact, I think you have made this a stronger piece with the you/I construction than if you'd given them names. It's just silliness that all characters have to be given names for a reader to accept them as characters. The you/I construction contributes to the rather dreamy atmosphere of this. And you have quite enough dialogue in it, as well. Good effort and great story technique--pulled me right into the atmosphere you created.

Thanks for the kind words. I find that I prefer stories that use the you/I construction personally, but I can see the flipside as well, so perhaps I will try that next.

Cheers.

 

[sr71plt]

Thanks for the kind words. I find that I prefer stories that use the you/I construction personally, but I can see the flipside as well, so perhaps I will try that next.

Cheers.

Write just as you wish. Don't let others change your voice and techniques to their personal preferences unless what they say about your stories changes your mind on what you want to write. Experimenting with voice and style is good, though. But you'll sink into the muck if you bow and scrape to everyone trying to make you write as they would (if they did write). There is both an audience and detractors for most anything you post to Literotica. If your own voice and techniques shine through, you will acquire a satisfying reader base (and you can ignore the rest and/or tell them to go find what they want to read elsewhere).

I was quite impressed with your vignette. I was expecting less when I went to read it.

 

[Catchalot]

notprufrock - hi and congrats on your first posting.

Your writing is great but I found a problem without characters - more an IM conversation. There is no dialogue, which is the lifeblood of fiction (not only erotic). Also, there are no characters. 'You' and 'I' keep us simple readers out of the loop. You're not involving us with the people you want us to care about.

Erotic stories succeed not just because of the Tab A - Slot B stuff but because we readers want to identify in 3D. You write in first person but don't reveal yourself and 'you' is a turnoff.

Conversation, character development and trying to suck us into being interested in the lives of your protagonists would be a help.

Take this entire response with a grain of salt, because as far as I'm concerned, you told a great story, or recounted a memory, and did it well.