Need some guidance

[NutRanch]

Not sure where to start.

Grew up in f'ed up house with a step-dad, let your imagination run free, it won't be as bad as the reality. And yes i have been to therapy for it. Enough said

I have a feeling that I would really enjoy the Dom side since i enjoy control and love feminine women taking care of me, but i have a Major league protective streak where women are concerned. I'd rather lose a limb than intentionally hurt a woman physically or mentally or let it be done in front of me. No, that isn't an exaggeration and i have the scars to prove it.

I married a woman that had been abused and i love her to death. We've been married for 17 years. She is usually willing to let me do what i want but adventurous she isn't. Plus she has a VERY low pain tolerance and self esteem issues.

Anybody have an idea on how i can balance my need to protect and dominate?

 

[Stella_Omega]

Thing about BDSM is that it is, in fact, a little bit like rocket science. It's not just climb on top of her and bounce up and down, yanno? We tend to get more elaborate than that, and for many of those elaborations there are skill sets that need to be learned.

The other thing about BDSM practices is that to talk about them, we often have to ... yanno... talk. Like grownups, even though the topic seems embarrasing.

when you say "dominate" what are you thinking of? Tying her to the bed and giving her orgasm after orgasm? Laying on the sofa while she kneels by your side with a cold beer and a hot mouth? Training her to build the perfect sandwich on call? I'm pretty sure you don't want to call her a slut and kick her to the floor, for instance.

 

[Acktion]

At the risk of pissing Stella off, I'm going to nerd out a little.

You seem to already be aware of two very fundamental issues since you've mentioned both your background and hers. Statistically, I would even hazard with those particular backgrounds, you have probably already dipped further towards the dominant/submissive relationship than you probably think.

Ironically, a protective streak is not all that unusual for someone with dominant tendencies. If you think about it for a moment, it even makes sense. In order to feel protective of someone, you have to feel you are better suited to protect them than they are to protect themselves. Aye?

I think where you may be hanging up is on the jargon or "buzzwords". A dominant is not necessarily a top is not necessarily a sadist. A submissive is not necessarily a bottom is not necessarily a masochist. Frankly, just the fact that you feel protective of her is a symptom that you are a dominant. And the fact that she accepts and perhaps even revels in that protectiveness is a symptom that she is a submissive.

I would start small. Don't go out and buy leather outfits, floggers, and flechettes just yet. How about having her fix a meal wearing nothing but an apron and then removing the apron to serve you and sit at the table with you while you are fully dressed? Doesn't sound too terribly drastic, does it? Or maybe she doesn't get to actually sit at the table with you but kneels beside you while you eat until and unless you need her to refill your glass? Does that make you a little more uncomfortable?

One of the problems you are going to encounter is that as the submissive, for the most part she will just have to be aware of her own feelings and responses. You as the dominant, on the other hand, are going to have a steep, steep learning curve. You will have to not only know yourself but her as well. Yes, you will have to talk to her, but you will also have to learn her nonverbal cues. Maybe she said "no", but did her eyes move? To the right or left? Up or down? Did her pupils dilate or constrict? Did she flush or blanche? Did her breathing change? Her pulse?

"No" means just that. Unless you both agree that it may not in a roleplay scenario where you would have to use a safeword instead. But, you seemed to indicate that you are not that far along. However, if she says "no" but her nonverbal cues indicate excitement, then she may be willing to do something else a little lighter and work up to that but needs you to give her the excuse to give in to what she actually might find interesting or if she indicates a fear response that may mean you aren't even in the ball park.

If you can, I would encourage you to read up on the subject. For example a couple by the name of Warren put out an interesting book by the name of "The Loving Dominant". Something else you might consider, as you are a Lit member is to find a story that interests you (translation; gets your motor going), then ask her to read it and tell you what she thinks. Also, there are some here that have posted some non-fictional essays on the topic, for example the one posted in Stella's sig line.

 

[LearnerDom]

Not sure where to start.

Grew up in f'ed up house with a step-dad, let your imagination run free, it won't be as bad as the reality. And yes i have been to therapy for it. Enough said

I have a feeling that I would really enjoy the Dom side since i enjoy control and love feminine women taking care of me, but i have a Major league protective streak where women are concerned. I'd rather lose a limb than intentionally hurt a woman physically or mentally or let it be done in front of me. No, that isn't an exaggeration and i have the scars to prove it.

I married a woman that had been abused and i love her to death. We've been married for 17 years. She is usually willing to let me do what i want but adventurous she isn't. Plus she has a VERY low pain tolerance and self esteem issues.

Anybody have an idea on how i can balance my need to protect and dominate?

Ok, maybe its the way you have worded it, but it comes across as all about you.
Your pleasure. She "lets you do pretty much anything you want"????

err what about her?
Submission is a gift. A conscious decision based on trust and understanding and really good communication.
Does she enjoy sex? What does she enjoy?
Find out, if you haven't already. Concentrate on what SHE wants, what turns her on

 

[leatherleaf]

I might be wrong but I don't take the question like that at all.

The question is: What can he do to balance the need to dominate and protect?

Taking a leap and making assumptions, I'm going to guess that whatever you propose she goes along with. She doesn't enjoy pain but if you ask her to she'll do it for you because she enjoys pleasing you and is turned on by pleasing you. I don't think that would be unusual based on the very little we know from her past.

I'd also assume that when you ask her what turns her on she doesn't give you a lot of feedback. Maybe I'm wrong. You strike me from this one post of yours that I've read that if you knew you'd certainly do just that. So she's leaving all of the decision making up to you.

Everyone's BDSM is different. And there is no right or wrong way (unless it doesn't work for you and yours). So you have to figure it out.

You brought up pain. There is obviously a conflict of you don't want to hurt her but do you enjoy giving pain. So start slow and easy and find the type or types of pain she can handle and maybe even enjoy. Sometimes the pain is a the frustration from orgasm denial or mind games and not necessarily physical.

There are plenty of people out there (like myself) that are just like you - would jump in front of a bullet for your partner - but might enjoy giving some erotic pain. The important thing is to separate the two. Joking around and having a good time goes a long way.

J

 

[Belvino]

Perhaps it is not the painful aspects of BDSM that you are looking for? I suggest picking up some reading material. Screw the Roses Send Me the Thorns is great, and there are many more. Take a look around and decide how you want to approach this. Ask your SO how she feels about things... would she liked to be tied up? Does she like to give oral service? Does she like to be commanded to do things simply to please you? What arouses her? What things would she like you to do to her?

Communication is key, but in BDSM it really is critical.

 

[NutRanch]

Thing about BDSM is that it is, in fact, a little bit like rocket science. It's not just climb on top of her and bounce up and down, yanno? We tend to get more elaborate than that, and for many of those elaborations there are skill sets that need to be learned.

The other thing about BDSM practices is that to talk about them, we often have to ... yanno... talk. Like grownups, even though the topic seems embarrasing.

when you say "dominate" what are you thinking of? Tying her to the bed and giving her orgasm after orgasm? Laying on the sofa while she kneels by your side with a cold beer and a hot mouth? Training her to build the perfect sandwich on call? I'm pretty sure you don't want to call her a slut and kick her to the floor, for instance.

Answering all the replies at once since it took me a bit to figure out how to find my own thread. I'm a newb to being an member and still figuring this part of the site out.

I get most of my pleasure from making her feel good. To know that i am the one making feel that good really gets me going and is, i admit, a power trip for me.

She has so many barriers in place that it's hard for me to get through to her about what she wants. She is very embarrassed by talking about what she wants in bed, always has been. That is a really big part of the problem. She can get very passive in bed, almost to the point of being a non-participant and i get frustrated. Some days are better than others but what she tells me today is embarrassing tomorrow.

I should clarify that when I say that she is willing to pretty much do anything I want, it should have been past tense. When we first started dating, if I wanted it, she would do it for me. period. In bed or just around the house. Not just sex.

I never pushed her boundaries very hard since we were both fairly young and I didn't have a great deal of experience. Pain isn't really my thing, giving or receiving. Not serious pain anyway. Spanking and aggressive sex can be a lot of fun, but then I found out some stuff about what she had gone through and I backed way off of what I was enjoying since it seemed to bother her even though she wouldn't tell me that.

Her sister and I had a conversation after she'd been drinking a year or so after we got married and she told me how happy she was that I was treating her sister so much better than her ex had. In a lot of ways it was worse than what I went through. IF you want to know i'll tell you in a PM but it wasn't good. Think mental and physical abuse. If it makes you feel any better, he's still in jail but not for what he did to her.

Another part of the problem is that I am military and travel quite a bit. I don't cheat on her but I do need the release when I'm away. That's how I got started reading literotica in the first place.

At them moment, I am stationed two states away from her and only get to see her every few months. I joined lit after years of just reading because I enjoy writing also as part of dealing with being away from her. I am thinking that I'll stop deleting my stories after I'm done writing them, maybe submit them to lit to see how it goes but I haven't done it yet.

I probably am getting hung up on terminology as I never really thought about it till after reading about here on Lit. I'ts just been simmering on the back of my mind for yuears. Not just BDSM but the whole range.

In a lot of ways our lives could be a lit story. Abused people find each other and live happily ever after having great sex every ten minutes, if we had the sex every ten minutes part. We are happily married at least. I'll take what I can get.

I appreciate the feedback and should be posting more often as i get more familiar with the site. You guys have given me some things to think about and i will start doing my research. She is worth it to me.

 

[KlaytonFrost]

I think there are plenty of ways to dominate a person without inflicting pain on them. Every relationship has a leader and one being lead - it could just be that you're seeking to exaggerate your role a little.

 

[NutRanch]

I hadn't thought about it in quite that way before. Food for thought.

 

[Acktion]

I probably am getting hung up on terminology as I never really thought about it till after reading about here on Lit. I'ts just been simmering on the back of my mind for yuears. Not just BDSM but the whole range.

It's that way with everything when you first encounter it. I remember back a long, long time ago in a galaxy... er, ok. Just a while back. This girl I was dating had some issues with the fact that "all we ever do is have sex! Can't we just talk a bit?" I said sure and she asked me what I thought about Euthanasia. Now, this was about the time of Dr. Kavorkian's trial and I had some thoughts about assisted suicide the same as most everybody else did at the time. However, I had not heard the term aloud (although I had read it). My response? "Well, I guess they're mostly like the youth here for the most part."

In my defense;
1) I had not heard the term spoken aloud.
2) Her last name was Tong
3) She had a Texas "da-ra-wal". BIG time.
4) She'd had to pull my hands back from questing under clothing to have the conversation.

BDSM is, if anything, an even bigger problem area. Hell, just the acronym alone is confusing as hell since it dips into THREE different possible fetish areas. And there are (and God, I almost hate to say it) shades of meaning behind each individual "partition" in the fetish.

Just "domination" for example means a lot of things. Technically it just means "to impose one's will on another". But, the possibilities are endless when it is applied to sexual fetishism. Is just the act of being on top of someone while engaged in consensual sex dominating them? What about being on top of them from behind? What about their being naked while you are fully clothed? Those are all trick questions by the way. They might be or they might not be depending on the mental states of the two (or more) people thus engaged.

Let's move on to something a little tougher. Is holding her wrists pinned to the bed next to her head while you are on top and inside of her in the Victorian style "missionary position" dominance or bondage? Another trick question. It could be either, both, or neither depending on the mindset of the participants. Now you see what I mean about the jargon being slippery.

I am however going to go out on a limb and hazard that neither you nor she would be comfortable with the pain of SadoMasochism of BDSM based purely on your original post. But, the Bondage and Discipline of BDSM may have some appeal for you. Or it may not. (*Note; You really need to be conscientious of safety here as the wrong type of binding tied in the wrong sort of knot can tighten down and cause harm just in the more gentle acts that don't touch on S&M. And become tough to untie in a panic event.) And as I said, I suspect the two of you are already further along the Dominance and Submission spectrum of BDSM than what you might think. However, there is probably a little more wiggle room just in this aspect without touching on the others if you and she were so inclined.

 

[NutRanch]

Thanks Acktion,

 

[NutRanch]

Just re-read your post,

Euthanasia. Tong. Texas = me-face palm,

drives home the need to pay attention, and not see what i want or expect to see when i missed something that obvious

Thank you Obi-wan