O/our first meeting in person. Newbie has some quesitons please

[Stormie64]

I am meeting talking to a Dom I meet on fetlife. We have only been talking since the first of the month.

He is sweet. Sweeter than some jerks I have talked to online.

I have been taking with a sweet female friend on fetlife. She has been talking about my meeting and she is a little concerned.

We are to meet on Thursday at a hotel. This will be the first time. He does know I am I a brand new newbie. He also knows I have not had actually sex in at least 5 years. Maybe longer. My choice due to issues going on in RL.

He has also said I am not allowed to talk to guys because I am "in consideration for a Dom."

Any advise, please let me know. Any thoughts I in would be grateful.

Thank You

PS. Please don't take my hesitation as meaning I don't want this. I have lots of other Rl going on............

 

[KoPilot]

Sweeter than some jerks I have talked to online.

But just as sweet as some other jerks, huh?

He has also said I am not allowed to talk to guys because I am "in consideration for a Dom."

If you were bi, would he just not let you talk to anyone at all, or...? To me, this is a stupid rule trotted out by the insecure.

Idk, I'm pretty buzzed right now, but I don't think your first meeting should be at a hotel. It should be at a public venue like a coffee house or a restaurant, especially if you think that not having had sex in a while is something to consider. Get a feel for who the guy is outside of the bedroom. Imo, he sounds mediocre at best.

 

[Stormie64]

***posted this one in error. sorry****

 

[Stormie64]

I am meeting talking to a Dom I meet on fetlife. We have only been talking since the first of the month.

He is sweet. Sweeter than some jerks I have talked to online.

I have been taking with a sweet female friend on fetlife. She has been talking about my meeting and she is a little concerned.

We are to meet on Thursday at a hotel. This will be the first time. He does know I am I a brand new newbie. He also knows I have not had actually sex in at least 5 years. Maybe longer. My choice due to issues going on in RL.

He has also said I am not allowed to talk to guys because I am "in consideration for a Dom."

Any advise, please let me know. Any thoughts I in would be grateful.

Thank You

PS. Please don't take my hesitation as meaning I don't want this. I have lots of other Rl going on............

But just as sweet as some other jerks, huh?



If you were bi, would he just not let you talk to anyone at all, or...? To me, this is a stupid rule trotted out by the insecure.

Idk, I'm pretty buzzed right now, but I don't think your first meeting should be at a hotel. It should be at a public venue like a coffee house or a restaurant, especially if you think that not having had sex in a while is something to consider. Get a feel for who the guy is outside of the bedroom. Imo, he sounds mediocre at best.

Thank you. I am a little buzzed from this too........................so confused. Thanks again for the reply.

 

[Stella_Omega]

"Under consideration," is kind of like the BDSM version of engaged. You're not engaged to this guy. You barely know each other! Nobody owns anyone yet.

Meet for coffee first. Even if you guys run up to the room right after that, you must always leave yourself room to say NO before the fact.

Also-- read the essay in my signature.

 

[CutieMouse]

Ignore the whole OMG Fetlife dom/sub thing for a second...

Are you REALLY comfortable meeting an online guy in a hotel room after knowing him 11 days?

If you had met him on a non-kink website, say eHarmony or something, would you stop using the website or talking to anyone else before even meeting for coffee?

 

[Baby101]

Totally agree with everyone, you have not known this perso long enough to not meet in a public place. Above all safety comes first.

 

[bhndblueyes88]

Meeting a virtual stranger (literally!!) for the first time in a hotel is...naive at best. Idiotic in harsher words.

Remember, the #1 rule for BDSM is safety. Your safety is NEVER negotiable. If your gut is saying NO, listen to it! All to often, "Dom" is a pseudonym for "asshole." (at best)

Also, bullshit rules like "You can't talk to X-group" are not "Dom-ly". They're redflags for ABUSE.

If you go through with this, PLEASE, be conscientious about it and listen to your gut (not your hormones).

 

[CBM514]

There is a huge difference between being a Dom and being a control freak...make sure you have an escape plan in case Mr. Charming isn't as charming in real life or doesn't respect your boundaries...being a sub doesn't mean being a door may for him, they are called "limits" for a reason...

 

[desertslave]

Choose a very public meeting place first. Spend some time talking, getting to know each other before doing anything physical. Make sure a good friend knows where you are, just in case he turns out to be a creep.

 

[Primalex]

Meeting a virtual stranger (literally!!) for the first time in a hotel is...naive at best. Idiotic in harsher words.

Then again, security paranoia is not very healthy either. Or you have really shitty hotels where you live.

 

[Primalex]

There is a huge difference between being a Dom and being a control freak

There is a huge difference between a Dom and a flower, too. So what is your argument?

 

[Stella_Omega]

There is a huge difference between being a Dom and being a control freak...make sure you have an escape plan in case Mr. Charming isn't as charming in real life or doesn't respect your boundaries...being a sub doesn't mean being a door may for him, they are called "limits" for a reason...

Control freak is, actually pretty much exactly what a Dom is. Or a Domme for that matter.

The only difference really is HOW much control a Dominant person needs in order to feel that they are dominating the situation.

 

[LearnerDom]

Meet for at least 3 coffee meetings first
this will see if he is real or just wants a quickie

discuss a possible scene.
and be clear about no tieing

 

[LearnerDom]

Control freak is, actually pretty much exactly what a Dom is. Or a Domme for that matter.

The only difference really is HOW much control a Dominant person needs in order to feel that they are dominating the situation.

great reply as always

respect sir

 

[Loverskitten]

Then again, security paranoia is not very healthy either. Or you have really shitty hotels where you live.

Tell that to the girl the "Craigslist killer" killed. That was a nice hotel.

 

[Primalex]

Tell that to the girl the "Craigslist killer" killed. That was a nice hotel.

which has a Starbucks, a sports bar and a lounge for meeting someone.

 

[Loverskitten]

which has a Starbucks, a sports bar and a lounge for meeting someone.

That's what we're all saying. To meet in a public place several times and get a feel for the guy, not a hotel room on the first meeting

 

[midwestyankee]

That's what we're all saying. To meet in a public place several times and get a feel for the guy, not a hotel room on the first meeting

Yes. And while many hotels have public spaces for restaurants and coffee shops and so forth, using a coffee shop in a hotel for a first meeting would not completely offer the same kind of neutral zone that's needed for these first few meetings with a new sexual partner. The temptation to "just go upstairs" would be strong and possibly hard to resist. Better to start out at a coffee shop or restaurant that's not connected - or even close - to a hotel.

 

[Primalex]

That's what we're all saying.

Nope.

To meet in a public place several times and get a feel for the guy, not a hotel room on the first meeting

The 21st century - when a one-night-stand requires the same preparations as the zombie apocalypse.

 

[Primalex]

I wonder if one of the victims had a craigslist date going on?

 

[IrisAlthea]

Yes. And while many hotels have public spaces for restaurants and coffee shops and so forth, using a coffee shop in a hotel for a first meeting would not completely offer the same kind of neutral zone that's needed for these first few meetings with a new sexual partner. The temptation to "just go upstairs" would be strong and possibly hard to resist. Better to start out at a coffee shop or restaurant that's not connected - or even close - to a hotel.

Well, I don't know.
The bar of The Fancy Hotel around here is definitely a place where I might decide to meet someone on neutral ground.
Any temtation to "just go upstairs" would evaporate at the thought of the room prices.

I also assumed hotel room though even if OP did write "at a hotel". Which is it Stormie?

 

[Primalex]

Yes. And while many hotels have public spaces for restaurants and coffee shops and so forth, using a coffee shop in a hotel for a first meeting would not completely offer the same kind of neutral zone that's needed for these first few meetings with a new sexual partner. The temptation to "just go upstairs" would be strong and possibly hard to resist. Better to start out at a coffee shop or restaurant that's not connected - or even close - to a hotel.

And best to not date a person from the same city at all.

 

[Miss Diva]

Meet at a coffee shop very far from your house. Tell a friend where u r going.
And have a safety phone call. Get a friend to call u during the date. And make sure u call the friend when u get home nice and safe.

 

[Cone_ten]

I've met many people, both on Fetlife and OKcupid and never had a bad experience.

I fall somewhere in between the recommendations given: exercise caution but don't get yourself worked up into a terror. I don't think you need to go miles from your house and nowhere near a hotel. Find a starbucks that's not right across the street or in the ground floor of your apartment complex though. Do tell a friend you have a date. Don't give out too much personal information before the first date.

Definitely not in a hotel first. Meet for coffee and be clear that in the first meeting it will be only coffee. You always have the right to change your mind and go for it on the first date, but set boundaries early and ensure that the decision to go for it is yours and yours alone.

I'd be wary though (of a bad date, not necessarily a nefarious plot). The whole don't talk to guys before we've met thing seems a bit immature. Submission should not be presumed like that, lest its power be taken away.