Any Advise Please

[RN4Lif3]

Hi Folks,
So, I am here for the first time today. Was led here by interest that I found in literature that I have been reading. I guess I am a "tourist" if the books terminology is correct, but curious none the less.

My hope is that someone "out here" would be willing to actually answer real questions for me, so I can know whether this lifestyle is as portrayed or if books lie (which I truly hope they don't). Thank you for reading my post

 

[Loverskitten]

If you want answers, you must first ask questions.

 

[MeekMe]

Read most of the posts in the forum and you'll see that it's a personal preference kind of thing. Books are great, but those give guidelines or suggestions (and safe practices, I hope there are lots of safe practices in what you've been reading). You take what you want and leave the rest. Everyone is different and we all have different tastes. That's why communication is key and compatibility is sometimes hard to find.

Lastly, what Loverskitten said. （＾ω＾）

 

[eric60red]

Hi Folks,
So, I am here for the first time today. Was led here by interest that I found in literature that I have been reading. I guess I am a "tourist" if the books terminology is correct, but curious none the less.

My hope is that someone "out here" would be willing to actually answer real questions for me, so I can know whether this lifestyle is as portrayed or if books lie (which I truly hope they don't). Thank you for reading my post

The answer is yes, persons do live the life style, ask questions and you should receive answers

 

[RN4Lif3]

Ok, here goes nothing gulp.

I guess I need to explain a little bit of why I am curious. And actually I find a lot of comfort in a previous reply. If it's true that the lifestyle isn't cut and dry, that maybe it's more what both persons are will to agree upon, that helps a lot. I have been married since I was 18 years old. Would have been 28 yrs of marriage in Feb. But being married does not mean loneliness and sorrow do not become part of the day to day grind. The problem is..I changed, my soon to be ex, did not.

My profession requires me to be a leader at all times. In my home life I was forced into that role as well. I work nights and to maintain that I also am up at night on my nights off. That schedule ended up making me read a lot. A friend mentioned a series (don't groan please) 50 shades of grey...so I read them. Loved them. That led me to more and more and more of the BDSM books, getting grittier and more explicit. And I...Love...It. Ok here are some questions (and thank you if you got this far <3)

1. Is it true, that "trust" is THE #1 part of a D/s relationship?

2. If #1 is correct, then does that trust actually bring a possibility of a nurturing, growing breathing relationship that might not be a 24/7 D/s but only in private maybe?

3. Is it crazy to want to not have any decision making in a relationship? At least not in the sexual part?

4. Does it truly mean that "punishment" is only a part of the relationship and can be pleasurable as well. Or is it purely if pain warms your fanny, and you like it, then you are a submissive?

5. In a D/s relationship, can there be a real relationship? Or can it turn into "more"...? (In books, you can know the doms perspective...how do you ever figure that out in real life?)

6. I truly long for someone else to be in control. I don't know if that makes me submissive, but I know that maybe it's a trait of submissiveness? To me control = guilt, shame and judgement and I have enough of that in my life. If the power is taken away..maybe I could actually learn, and enjoy that part of my life.

Thank you for any and all responses, <3

 

[rexhame317]

1. Yes, trust is always #1 ..You have to be able to give yourself to the other person fully

2. Yes, it can become more if you want it to be. Communication is key.

3. Some people enjoy it. I know I do. That's where communication comes in. You negotiate wants/needs. So you can have "some" control

4. Punishment can be what you want it to be. I like pain, so my punishments do not involve pain.

5. I am submissive , and Sir and I are dating. So yes, you can have a real relationship

6. Do you want to give yourself fully to someone? Want to please them? Then yes, you could be submissive. Explore.

And good luck

 

[ecstaticsub]

Hi...Welcome to the BDSM forums. I work many nights in healthcare, too.

On to your questions:

1. Is it true, that "trust" is THE #1 part of a D/s relationship?

Not for me. Compatibility and chemistry was more important. With that love grew and also trust.

2. If #1 is correct, then does that trust actually bring a possibility of a nurturing, growing breathing relationship that might not be a 24/7 D/s but only in private maybe?

I am married to my kinky vanilla high school sweetheart going on 28 years. I have been owned by my dominant for about 9 years. My D/s relationship is a love affair. (my husband knows about it and encourages it) I consider it 24/7 in that I am always his submissive. But we live 4 hours from each other so there is that dose of reality.

3. Is it crazy to want to not have any decision making in a relationship? At least not in the sexual part?

Not crazy. It's quite a bit of fun. Though...long term I have found there are times he prefers I make some decisions. But since it is what he wants, then that is still submission.


4. Does it truly mean that "punishment" is only a part of the relationship and can be pleasurable as well. Or is it purely if pain warms your fanny, and you like it, then you are a submissive?

I enjoy spanking, flogging etc but it has become a smaller part of out relationship. The mental D/s is much more satisfying to me. Pain is not necessary for a D/s relationship.

5. In a D/s relationship, can there be a real relationship? Or can it turn into "more"...? (In books, you can know the doms perspective...how do you ever figure that out in real life?)

See my comments above. Absolutely it can be a loving, affectionate life long relationship if that is what you are looking for.

6. I truly long for someone else to be in control. I don't know if that makes me submissive, but I know that maybe it's a trait of submissiveness? To me control = guilt, shame and judgement and I have enough of that in my life. If the power is taken away..maybe I could actually learn, and enjoy that part of my life.

Or it could be that you are tired of always having to be the one in charge. Giving up power and control in a sexual relationship where we can have limits is a safe, comforting way of being able to let go. At least it has been for me. Giving up control in areas outside the bedroom has been a little more difficult, but that's another story.

 

[RN4Lif3]

Thank you folks for your kind words. If there is anyone out there willing to expand on some things, I would be grateful.

1. One reply said that trust is not foremost, but how do you do "anything" without trust? The crush to ones self could be devastating without it right? At least I don't know how I could ever...

2. Another poster said their "punishments" weren't about pain..is that because they liked pain, so it couldn't "be" a punishment? What would be then?

3. How can you know someone in cyberspace is really who they say they are and not some creep just waiting to take advantage?

Thank you guys for your thoughts in advance <3

 

[ecstaticsub]

Thank you folks for your kind words. If there is anyone out there willing to expand on some things, I would be grateful.

1. One reply said that trust is not foremost, but how do you do "anything" without trust? The crush to ones self could be devastating without it right? At least I don't know how I could ever...

Trust is very important. It is necessary before I would submit to anything. But I, personally, need compatibility, chemistry and even lust before I even give the person time to let trust build up.

2. Another poster said their "punishments" weren't about pain..is that because they liked pain, so it couldn't "be" a punishment? What would be then?

Punishments can be anything--writing lines, standing in a corner, orgasm denial, anything. For many of us impact play is not punishment. When I am beat it is because my suffering makes his dick hard which makes my pussy wet. That is surely not punishment.

3. How can you know someone in cyberspace is really who they say they are and not some creep just waiting to take advantage?

Takes lots of time, preferably meet in person in a public place for coffee or talk on Skype or really get to know them before submitting to anything.

 

[Loverskitten]

Thank you folks for your kind words. If there is anyone out there willing to expand on some things, I would be grateful.

1. One reply said that trust is not foremost, but how do you do "anything" without trust? The crush to ones self could be devastating without it right? At least I don't know how I could ever...

2. Another poster said their "punishments" weren't about pain..is that because they liked pain, so it couldn't "be" a punishment? What would be then?

3. How can you know someone in cyberspace is really who they say they are and not some creep just waiting to take advantage?

Thank you guys for your thoughts in advance <3

1. Some people are more trusting than others.

2. "Punishment" could be anything, extra chores, cleaning, a cold shower, being ignored, not being allowed favorite foods, anything really. If someone knows you they'll know what would work.

3. Yes, they are creeps. Meet in person, in public, several times.

Remember a D/s relationship is just a relationship
Also remember BDSM books are realistic just as much as romance novels are realistic love stories. They aren't

 

[Lrn_The_Ropes]

Thank you folks for your kind words. If there is anyone out there willing to expand on some things, I would be grateful.

1. One reply said that trust is not foremost, but how do you do "anything" without trust? The crush to ones self could be devastating without it right? At least I don't know how I could ever...

2. Another poster said their "punishments" weren't about pain..is that because they liked pain, so it couldn't "be" a punishment? What would be then?

3. How can you know someone in cyberspace is really who they say they are and not some creep just waiting to take advantage?

Thank you guys for your thoughts in advance <3

ecstaticsub, has it right in my opinion.

I've been married for almost 20 years and only involved in a truly defined by us in D/s relationship with my wife for the last year or so. the people have been great in helping me find my way

In regards to your question 1: I believe trust is everything, due to my relationship status there was a trust built up over many years before marriage. Be careful before getting involved with anyone the same principals apply as in a vanilla dating experience, if your gut tells you NO listen! The activities that can be engaged in can cause physical and mental harm. you need to trust the person you are with or have a "agreement" in place if your out for just play.

Question 2: I think punishment IMO (In My Opinion) can be defined as any unpleasant experience within reason. When "kitten" misbehaves, I use a paddle on her, since she enjoys the flogger, hand, etc. The paddle equals punishment. I also have had her write essays on why she did the actions she did, when I felt it was a better form of punishment. I actually like the essay form for "severe misdeeds" because it forces her to think about it. I have also on many occasions had "kitten" Flog and Paddle me as a way to use pain as a focusing and release tool. So I guess you could say it "cuts both ways."

Question 3: learn all you can about the person you may want to get involved with. Look at their history, past posts, etc. IMO there are a lot of people, posing as something else just to to satisfy an urge.

 

[RN4Lif3]

Thank you again so much to all who have replied. Please if you have a thought, post a reply. All of you have been so kind, and just knowing that maybe what I feel isn't "bad" and that there might be hope (if I can figure out how to avoid the dangers)..helps so much. <3

 

[Stella_Omega]

Welcome!

What you want isn't bad at all. There's an essay linked in my sig; you might find it useful, because it answers a couple of questions that people often forget to ask!

 

[Ready4change]

Ok, here goes nothing gulp.

I guess I need to explain a little bit of why I am curious. And actually I find a lot of comfort in a previous reply. If it's true that the lifestyle isn't cut and dry, that maybe it's more what both persons are will to agree upon, that helps a lot. I have been married since I was 18 years old. Would have been 28 yrs of marriage in Feb. But being married does not mean loneliness and sorrow do not become part of the day to day grind. The problem is..I changed, my soon to be ex, did not.

My profession requires me to be a leader at all times. In my home life I was forced into that role as well. I work nights and to maintain that I also am up at night on my nights off. That schedule ended up making me read a lot. A friend mentioned a series (don't groan please) 50 shades of grey...so I read them. Loved them. That led me to more and more and more of the BDSM books, getting grittier and more explicit. And I...Love...It. Ok here are some questions (and thank you if you got this far <3)

1. Is it true, that "trust" is THE #1 part of a D/s relationship?

2. If #1 is correct, then does that trust actually bring a possibility of a nurturing, growing breathing relationship that might not be a 24/7 D/s but only in private maybe?

3. Is it crazy to want to not have any decision making in a relationship? At least not in the sexual part?

4. Does it truly mean that "punishment" is only a part of the relationship and can be pleasurable as well. Or is it purely if pain warms your fanny, and you like it, then you are a submissive?

5. In a D/s relationship, can there be a real relationship? Or can it turn into "more"...? (In books, you can know the doms perspective...how do you ever figure that out in real life?)

6. I truly long for someone else to be in control. I don't know if that makes me submissive, but I know that maybe it's a trait of submissiveness? To me control = guilt, shame and judgement and I have enough of that in my life. If the power is taken away..maybe I could actually learn, and enjoy that part of my life.

Thank you for any and all responses, <3

I too read 50 Shades so I'm not going to laugh but as I learn I am discovering that a true D/s relationship is much deeper that 200 Shades of Grey!!!! Which I think is eroticism but not much more than light porn. Talk go the experienced subs here they will lead you to valuable resources and help steer you from the less that "real" doms that are here. There are some fine and knowledgable doms here that give the best advice. Good luck with your journey.

 

[kiwi_submissive]

1. Is it true, that "trust" is THE #1 part of a D/s relationship? It is important depending what sort of play of dynamic you are getting into.

I find it incredibly important to trust my instincts. Not every D has your best interests at heart. If something feels off then look into it and don't make excuses for them. Take you time and don't jump into anything.

2. If #1 is correct, then does that trust actually bring a possibility of a nurturing, growing breathing relationship that might not be a 24/7 D/s but only in private maybe?

A lot of people keep things in private or have small things they do in day to day life that their vanilla friends and family won't pick up on.

3. Is it crazy to want to not have any decision making in a relationship? At least not in the sexual part?

As long as you are nt using a D/s relationship as a way to escape from making decisions in your life or any other aspect of your life, it's fine to start off with but eventually everything comes crashing down. You need to remember a D is a person as well as making every single decision, every day of their life does get very exhausting after the initial new relationship excitement has worn off.

4. Does it truly mean that "punishment" is only a part of the relationship and can be pleasurable as well. Or is it purely if pain warms your fanny, and you like it, then you are a submissive?

Punishment can be anything you don't like and not necessarily pain orientated, although writing lines means you do get a sore hand, funishments are pleasureable though.

5. In a D/s relationship, can there be a real relationship? Or can it turn into "more"...? (In books, you can know the doms perspective...how do you ever figure that out in real life?)

Of course it can be a real relationship. Ignore the books, each individual D/s relationship has it's own dynamic and it means finding out what works for BOTH of you and not caring if others think this might not fix exactly into what they consider right.

 

[CutieMouse]

I find compatibility and time lead to trust; over time, trust develops (and grows), which sometimes (often) leads to fascinating developments in power dynamics.

I also divide my reading into fiction (erotica) and research (informative)... and keep a firm boundary between the two. Yes, I might use the former for new ideas, but the latter is what I base decisions on.

Lots of people choose to engage in D/s online, without the full blown relationship; lots of people have play partners which is a relationship, but not necessarily the same sort of relationship as one would expect from say, marriage. And lots of people have "bedroom only" and/ or 24/7, long term, committed D/s relationships (in or out of marriage; with or without their partner's knowledge and support).

I wouldn't say it's crazy to not want to make any more decisions in a given relationship, but I *would* say that looking to submission (or bottoming) as a way to escape the everyday decision making track, isn't necessarily realistic.

I find that while in a power based relationship, as the submissive party, I often end up taking on even more responsibility and decision making. After all, my partner gets to lead by delegation, if he so chooses.

re: Punishment - I don't bother with people who are looking for punishment dynamics in a relationship. I enjoy the sensations I enjoy, because I like them. I see no reason to screw with that. I also happen to be an intelligent, grown woman... no need to treat me like a petulant 5 year old, thank you very much. If we have an issue, we discuss it.

The online stuff... the only way to know an asshat isn't an asshat, is to know your standards, your boundaries, and your limits. Is someone doesn't meet your standards, ignores your boundaries, or blows off your limits, there is sure to be someone out there who will meet them.

 

[neci]

Hi Folks,
So, I am here for the first time today. Was led here by interest that I found in literature that I have been reading. I guess I am a "tourist" if the books terminology is correct, but curious none the less.

My hope is that someone "out here" would be willing to actually answer real questions for me, so I can know whether this lifestyle is as portrayed or if books lie (which I truly hope they don't). Thank you for reading my post

who are you?

what does your body need?

your mind?

can you define it with numbers? we have a variety of people who can look at your numbers and figure and answer.

what are your limitations, as prescribed?

un?

who are you and where do you come from?

how do you define your inch?

look in the mirror and speak your truth. may reality reply as in kind.

 

[eric60red]

who are you?

what does your body need?

your mind?

can you define it with numbers? we have a variety of people who can look at your numbers and figure and answer.

what are your limitations, as prescribed?

un?

who are you and where do you come from?

how do you define your inch?

look in the mirror and speak your truth. may reality reply as in kind.

i agree the profile tells us nothing, I dont even know if they are male, femail, or a dont know

 

[RN4Lif3]

I am female and I'm sorry, I didn't know about the profile thing. I will try to find it and fill it out.

Thank you to those that have replied. I feel like you have given me more questions and I will have to figure out how to answer them within myself.

 

[Stella_Omega]

I've been here forever and I have no idea what neci is talking about-- I think they were posting while incapacitated, really.

It mostly doesn't matter if you're male or female. What you want crosses gender lines. However, your profile may be found here;
http://forum.literotica.com/profile.php?do=editprofile

 

[MsAmative]

1. Is it true, that "trust" is THE #1 part of a D/s relationship?

If you want a real relationship, then yes. Just like you need trust in any normal relationship you need it in a d/s one. Without trust its hard to give yourself over in that moment.

2. If #1 is correct, then does that trust actually bring a possibility of a nurturing, growing breathing relationship that might not be a 24/7 D/s but only in private maybe?

This really depends on the people in the relationship. You can certainly have a d/s relationship that is only in private - that doesn't make it any less of a d/s relationship. What it does mean if that in some of the other moments it may not be something others can see (and there is nothing wrong with that.)

3. Is it crazy to want to not have any decision making in a relationship? At least not in the sexual part?

That is not crazy, although you may want to consider that this may not be a complete possiblity depending on circumstances. There are many things that sound great in your head but are harder in real life. Some situations don't work with all people.

4. Does it truly mean that "punishment" is only a part of the relationship and can be pleasurable as well. Or is it purely if pain warms your fanny, and you like it, then you are a submissive?

You will get a ton of different answers on this. I think that people define it differently. For us, punishment is real punishment - the way the dictionary defines it. Punishment is unpleasant, it is to serve as a correction. You cannot use spanking in punishment if its pleasurable IMO. If they enjoy it than its not a real punishment.

I think you see a lot of what is meant to be a sort of... play punishment. Its a scene, where you use the idea of punishing to reach a situation you both want to take place. The reason for the spanking/impact play - but in the real sense of the word its not punishment.

Submission is about wanting to give all of yourself to another person and receiving pleasure from that alone. You can also be a "bottom" which is less - basically saying that you enjoy aspects of it like spanking but doesn't go as far with the mental aspect. There isn't anything wrong with either.

5. In a D/s relationship, can there be a real relationship? Or can it turn into "more"...? (In books, you can know the doms perspective...how do you ever figure that out in real life?)

There can definitely be a relationship. Some people just want the play, and the sexual aspects of it. Others want the whole package, to love and be connected to the other - but just like vanilla relationships you need the whole package and more. You need to connect without the kink and with the kink for it to be successful. How to figure out the Dom's perspective? You ask! If they aren't willing to talk and discuss openly, that is a bad sign (from my perspective.)

6. I truly long for someone else to be in control. I don't know if that makes me submissive, but I know that maybe it's a trait of submissiveness? To me control = guilt, shame and judgement and I have enough of that in my life. If the power is taken away..maybe I could actually learn, and enjoy that part of my life.

This is a complicated question that only you can answer in the end. You could just be wanting to let go in some areas in your life - to relax or de-stress. Could it be more? Sure. Your statement about guilt shame and judgement says a little bit about that. Does that mean the life is for you? Not necessarily. it could just mean that you need a different kind of force in your life/relationship than you did before - that doesn't necessarily mean d/s or bdsm.

Only you can figure that out though. Do realize though - books are very little like real life. Online can give you insight but its not the same feelings or experience that you will find in the flesh. They all can be great indicators and fun in their own right though - and I hope you find the knowledge you are seeking.

We all have different opinions, experiences and viewpoints. Most of us won't give you the same answer if you ask us to define anything. Don't pin anything on what we say - its all about what it means to you in the end.

 

[RN4Lif3]

Ms. Amative.

Thank you so much for your reply. Your answers do make me ask more questions of myself. I think that all of us are the sum of our experiences, good or bad. For myself, I have lived such a straight laced life for so long, that when finally enlightened by the books I have read, I have become enamored.

Allowing a book to equate to reality would be foolish, I know. BUT, the "idea" of having someone not only allow me to please then, but then in turn please me is off the charts hot.

I have had offers of cyber D/s relationships based on these posts...but I wonder to myself how that would EVER show me if this is really for me? And the need to actually "do" some of the things I have read about couldn't possibly be satisfied with that type of relationship right?

I want to "Feel" again, and to be very honest, my fear of finding someone who will take advantage of my inexperience scares the hell out of me. I don't know how to navigate this, but I can't turn away either, because if I don't ever try, I will never ever know if this is where I belong.

If you have any words of advice I would be very grateful. Thank you for what you have already written <3

 

[Loverskitten]

Ms. Amative.

Thank you so much for your reply. Your answers do make me ask more questions of myself. I think that all of us are the sum of our experiences, good or bad. For myself, I have lived such a straight laced life for so long, that when finally enlightened by the books I have read, I have become enamored.

Allowing a book to equate to reality would be foolish, I know. BUT, the "idea" of having someone not only allow me to please then, but then in turn please me is off the charts hot.

I have had offers of cyber D/s relationships based on these posts...but I wonder to myself how that would EVER show me if this is really for me? And the need to actually "do" some of the things I have read about couldn't possibly be satisfied with that type of relationship right?

I want to "Feel" again, and to be very honest, my fear of finding someone who will take advantage of my inexperience scares the hell out of me. I don't know how to navigate this, but I can't turn away either, because if I don't ever try, I will never ever know if this is where I belong.

If you have any words of advice I would be very grateful. Thank you for what you have already written <3

Your best bet is to join Fetlife and attend events in your area. There are "munches" where people just casually meet at a restaurant or bar and "play parties" where people get their kink on.

 

[midwestyankee]

Your best bet is to join Fetlife and attend events in your area. There are "munches" where people just casually meet at a restaurant or bar and "play parties" where people get their kink on.

I'd like to add to LK's point that there's an important distinction here: munches look just like any other group dinner get-together at a restaurant. Generally, people are dressed in street wear or business casual at munches so onlookers tend to ignore us when we're meeting to munch. This environment makes it pretty easy to meet people with similar interests without feeling any pressure to be anything but yourself. Newbie and 50-year veterans are on equal footing at munches, for the most part. You can get to know people as easily at a munch as at any other social event.

Play parties, as LK points out, are where the holds are barely barred and everyone lets it all hang out (or whatever your kink) within boundaries set by the person(s) hosting the event. It's also the case that, if invited, you can attend a play party and not play, but just watch to see what kinds of things happen.

 

[RN4Lif3]

Sadly, I live smack dab in the middle of the "Bible Belt". I tried to Google this stuff and the closest I came was Nashville TN. That is 4-5 hours drive from me and I wouldn't have a clue how to "approach" and invitation. But thank you for trying <3