What exactly is...

[SheaLima]

Hi everyone. Sorry to be a "newbie" here, but what exactly is BDSM?

 

[Trinique_Fire]

Bondage/discipline/sadism/masochism

Domination/submission

There's more to it, but that's about as simple as it gets.

 

[SheaLima]

Oh, okay. I see now. Thanx!

 

[Stella_Omega]

"Discipline." by the way, in the sense of "Stay where I put you, dammit!" or, in the sense of "Naughty thing needs a spanking."

Take your choice, or use them both at the same time...

 

[SheaLima]

"Discipline." by the way, in the sense of "Stay where I put you, dammit!" or, in the sense of "Naughty thing needs a spanking."

Take your choice, or use them both at the same time...

Thank you, Stella.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

The BDSM acronym is a combination of what were, some time back, considered to be three different, though distantly related, sets of activities: B&D - Bondage and Discipline; D/s - Dominance and submission; S/m - Sadism and masochism.

As time went on, someone said, "Hey, you got your Dominance in my B&D!" Someone else responded, "Hey, *you* got your Sadism in my submission!" After a few little tiffs, the level-headed members of the groups realized that the three sets of activities, like chocolate and peanut butter, could be combined to be a sum greater than the total of the parts.

Most practitioners now, while they tend to categorize themselves mostly in one area (e.g., I consider myself a Sadist with some Dominant tendencies), acknowledge that overall, they operate at some *range* within the spectrum of BDSM.

Don't worry about labeling yourself as any one thing if you decide to take a tour through the BDSM culture, unless that label might be newbie experimentalist. Try *lots* of things, see how they fit you, and *then* consider how you feel most comfortable pinning a label on your lapel.

Note: Don't experiment with the first self-proclaimed BDSMer you run into. Get to a local munch or three, meet some people. The first time you in-person, one-on-one meet with someone you think you want to experiment with, do it in a (very) public place (e.g., restaurant, coffee shop, etc.), and spend some time talking to them about anything BUT sex and BDSM. Have all your radars turned up full blast, and if anything sets off a warning signal, tell the person you're still a little unsure about your match, and you'd like to do the same thing again, until you're more comfortable with them. (My personal rule is, two or at most three public meets and the radar is still beeping - sorry, Chollie, we're a no-go.)

And if you should decide that BDSM is not your cup o' tea, don't worry about it. Not everything fits everyone, despite some manufacturers' claims that "One size fits all." Tain't true. Just remember that as in this case, BDSM doesn't fit you, *your* brand of sexual activities and preferences doesn't necessarily fit others. Tolerance is good.

 

[Trinique_Fire]

S_W: A highly respectable guy with a clear head. Love his posts!

 

[Sir_Winston54]

Hi everyone. Sorry to be a "newbie" here, but what exactly is BDSM?

BTW... forgot to mention it in my previous response: ALL OF US were newbies at some point. None of us sprang fully-experienced from the foreheads of our fathers/mothers and needed to learn nothing else. There's nothing wrong with being a newbie - just in pretending you already know it all. Hell, I've been doing this for more than 40 years, and there's still much more I *don't* know than I do.

 

[vegasflasher]

"SIR" Mister Winston, this being my first time on here. You have informed me, enlightened me, about this,hhhummm? Life style and sometimes wonder if I may be comfortable with living this type of life? I think a question that cums to my mind is: If You chose to walk this path. Is it a 24-7 life style or is it whenever you both decide to play the roles? (whichi would be the sub???) I say that because I'm not good at being in charge. If U know what I mean.

 

[MeekMe]

"SIR" Mister Winston, this being my first time on here. You have informed me, enlightened me, about this,hhhummm? Life style and sometimes wonder if I may be comfortable with living this type of life? I think a question that cums to my mind is: If You chose to walk this path. Is it a 24-7 life style or is it whenever you both decide to play the roles? (whichi would be the sub???) I say that because I'm not good at being in charge. If U know what I mean.

Your question is kind of hard to decipher, I think you're asking wether to live a 24/7 lifestyle or just occasionally indulging is the correct way to do things?

If that's it than there are no "correct" ways. Just whatever fits the individuals involved. You do it the way that works for you. Some people have arrangements in and outside of the bedroom, others have a very strict arrangement while others are very flexible. Sometimes it's non-sexual and sometimes it's all about getting jollies.

The best thing you can do is explore and find out what it is you want. Just by reading and posting here I've gained a great amount of knowledge and have definitely been gaining confidence in knowing what I want.

 

[DVS]

"SIR" Mister Winston, this being my first time on here. You have informed me, enlightened me, about this,hhhummm? Life style and sometimes wonder if I may be comfortable with living this type of life? I think a question that cums to my mind is: If You chose to walk this path. Is it a 24-7 life style or is it whenever you both decide to play the roles? (whichi would be the sub???) I say that because I'm not good at being in charge. If U know what I mean.

I'm not Sir_Winston, and I'm sure he can answer this quite well, himself. I just thought I'd offer my opinion. Like MeekMe has already said, there is no correct way. Everybody is different. There is no right or wrong. BDSM is full of labels and new people assume they have to fit into one of those labels. If you do fit into one, that's fine. There are some who live this lifestyle every day and it is in every part of their lives. But, you could be someone who just likes to play around with parts of BDSM for fun and that's OK, too.

There are set labels such as master, slave, dom, submissive, switch, top, bottom...all of these have their definitions and it's easy to get confused. You can pick one of these labels that comes close to how you feel, but don't assume you have to change your personal desires, to fit into one defining role.

Labels are fine for a starting point, but because everybody is an individual, very few of us will fit exclusively into one category. I'm sometimes a dom and sometimes a top. And, sometimes I just like rough sex and nothing else. It can just be how I react with a certain person. Call it the chemistry of the sexual attraction or maybe it's something sexual my partner enjoys that triggers me into a certain role.

Sexual discovery is usually a private journey. For the most part, we don't discuss our deepest sexual desires with our friends. So, for many people, those desires can be nothing but fantasies. The longer they remain fantasies, the deeper they go into our subconscious.

I consider myself lucky, because I've known about my desire to dominate a woman for as long as I can remember. Oh, I was taught that a man shouldn't hit a woman, because they are the weaker or fairer sex, but my sexual desires were strong. But, I didn't have the Internet to help me understand things, so my early sex life did have some confusion in it.

And many people assume they have vanilla sex lives, but have desires or even fantasize about domination or being dominated. They play the typical scenario of the male taking the lead in the bedroom with the female accepting what he wants, without question. A lot of times it's just the missionary position. This is pretty typical. But, it can become mundane with repetition, and leave you unfulfilled.

After a few years of marriage, some feel their sex lives have stagnated and in their search for something new, they discover those stifled desires they've had can be developed into something more. That's how a lot of people discover the world of BDSM.

If you have the desire to be dominant or submissive, investigate that desire. Experiment with variations, to see if there's more you enjoy. Read stories and ask questions. It starts with two consenting adults with mutual desires.

 

[DVS]

I don't know how wide spread this is, but there is a station in my area (It's a nation wide station...Me TV or something like that) and Dick Van Dyke is doing a promo for it. In this promo, he talks about how he sometimes falls, and sometimes doesn't. While he's saying this, they show the opening scenes from The Dick Van Dyke Show, where he would fall over the ottoman. Then, in later seasons, he would walk around it.

In the promo, he talks about this and happens to mention that maybe the viewers prefer to see him falling over the ottoman instead of walking around it. Then, he jokingly calls those viewers masochists. The correct term he should have used was sadists. Someone who enjoys seeing someone else experiencing pain, or some other form of discomfort, has sadistic tendencies, not masochistic tendencies.

This tells me a lot about how many people are really confused with the BDSM lifestyle. How could someone like Van Dyke not at least know the correct term, and nobody within the Me TV promotional group not correct it? If people don't at least understand the basic role of the sadist and the masochist, there must be some really confused people out there with pent up, unfulfilled desires. No wonder this lifestyle is so misunderstood.

 

[Sweetdaisymae]

I am a sub, but I am also a sadist and a masochist. I don't live it 24/7 but I am these things 24/7. I cannot pretend to be that which I am not.
I am not a Dominant, I have no desire to control another, yet I enjoy physically hurting another person, if they wish me to.

So, I don't fit the "boxes," few people do. The only right way is the way that is right for you.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

"SIR" Mister Winston, this being my first time on here...

Really? Do you think I/we am/are that senile, or are *you* the one who doesn't remember your previous posts in this forum and the Cafe?

 

[LearnerDom]

Be Darned Sure Miss

before letting anyone tie you up!

 

[Dyslexicea]

Don't worry about labeling yourself as any one thing if you decide to take a tour through the BDSM culture, unless that label might be newbie experimentalist. Try *lots* of things, see how they fit you, and *then* consider how you feel most comfortable pinning a label on your lapel.

When I read this, I read it as 'pinning a label on your label', which made me think of just how many labels I have and how some of them fit perfectly, like lesbian and feminist, maybe I should have prefaced those with radical. I mustn't forget married I love being married, something when I came out I never thought as ever being possible. Even more important is the label mother.

How others aren't a perfect fit at all like submissive, I'm not always submissive although Jessie is very dominant making it a struggle to not just give in when I'm not in that mode of behavior. Add in masochist but I also love to bite and I do mean bite hard, at times drawing blood and I do have somewhat of a desire to be the one giving pain, just not allowed to do so other than my biting, so I guess sadist fits too. Not to mention, which I'm doing, sometimes I get to top from the bottom, thank god, by the way I may not be on the bottom. So I guess the label top fits also, even though I don't get to top from the bottom as often as I'd like.

Some people don't like labels, personally I like labels, I can reveal an enormous amount of information about myself in a few short sentences using labels. Whereas I'd have to spend hours explaining the very same things without those labels.

By the way I liked your whole post, your one of the few men here who seems to always think with his brain and not with that little thingy hanging between their legs.

 

[LearnerDom]

When I read this, I read it as 'pinning a label on your label', which made me think of just how many labels I have and how some of them fit perfectly, like lesbian and feminist, maybe I should have prefaced those with radical. I mustn't forget married I love being married, something when I came out I never thought as ever being possible. Even more important is the label mother.

How others aren't a perfect fit at all like submissive, I'm not always submissive although Jessie is very dominant making it a struggle to not just give in when I'm not in that mode of behavior. Add in masochist but I also love to bite and I do mean bite hard, at times drawing blood and I do have somewhat of a desire to be the one giving pain, just not allowed to do so other than my biting, so I guess sadist fits too. Not to mention, which I'm doing, sometimes I get to top from the bottom, thank god, by the way I may not be on the bottom. So I guess the label top fits also, even though I don't get to top from the bottom as often as I'd like.

Some people don't like labels, personally I like labels, I can reveal an enormous amount of information about myself in a few short sentences using labels. Whereas I'd have to spend hours explaining the very same things without those labels.

By the way I liked your whole post, your one of the few men here who seems to always think with his brain and not with that little thingy hanging between their legs.

Hey that "little thingy hanging between our legs."

has gotten mankind a long way!

In fact if we used it more and our fists\insatiable desire for violence less, wed be doing great....er!

 

[LearnerDom]

The BDSM acronym is a combination of what were, some time back, considered to be three different, though distantly related, sets of activities: B&D - Bondage and Discipline; D/s - Dominance and submission; S/m - Sadism and masochism.

As time went on, someone said, "Hey, you got your Dominance in my B&D!" Someone else responded, "Hey, *you* got your Sadism in my submission!" After a few little tiffs, the level-headed members of the groups realized that the three sets of activities, like chocolate and peanut butter, could be combined to be a sum greater than the total of the parts.

Most practitioners now, while they tend to categorize themselves mostly in one area (e.g., I consider myself a Sadist with some Dominant tendencies), acknowledge that overall, they operate at some *range* within the spectrum of BDSM.

Don't worry about labeling yourself as any one thing if you decide to take a tour through the BDSM culture, unless that label might be newbie experimentalist. Try *lots* of things, see how they fit you, and *then* consider how you feel most comfortable pinning a label on your lapel.

Note: Don't experiment with the first self-proclaimed BDSMer you run into. Get to a local munch or three, meet some people. The first time you in-person, one-on-one meet with someone you think you want to experiment with, do it in a (very) public place (e.g., restaurant, coffee shop, etc.), and spend some time talking to them about anything BUT sex and BDSM. Have all your radars turned up full blast, and if anything sets off a warning signal, tell the person you're still a little unsure about your match, and you'd like to do the same thing again, until you're more comfortable with them. (My personal rule is, two or at most three public meets and the radar is still beeping - sorry, Chollie, we're a no-go.)

And if you should decide that BDSM is not your cup o' tea, don't worry about it. Not everything fits everyone, despite some manufacturers' claims that "One size fits all." Tain't true. Just remember that as in this case, BDSM doesn't fit you, *your* brand of sexual activities and preferences doesn't necessarily fit others. Tolerance is good.

Great post Sir Winston, wish I had read it earlier!

Just like to add, that a lot of men are looking for a notch or a quickie.
As Sir W said, making them wait 3 or 4 dates is good way to see how balanced they are, and how patient.

If you do get the lets get a room stage
Don't give out any personal details, like your real name or phone no
Don't allow ANYONE to tie you up first play date and beware men pretending to be experienced who just want kinky sex
Insist on condoms, even for a BJ, insist on them showering and being clean
Give a friend some details and ring them at the start and end of the date

Munches are the way to go though

 

[IrisAlthea]

Be Darned Sure Miss

before letting anyone tie you up!

Or Mister.