Don't know how else to put it. When we started our relationship it wasn't really D/s it was more vanilla than anything else. We met off and on and agreed that there would be no emotional attachments. He is married and wants to remain so though if she hasn't as he said had sex with him in over 2 years I'm not sure why. But at the same time I am married and will not desert my invalid husband. He can not function alone. His dementia, brain damage, total loss of bodily functions and make it impossible for him to be on his own. I am just waiting till something happens, either he goes into a nursing home or ???? At any rate our relationship was to be just to take care of our immediate sexual needs. FWB Friend with benefits. Any way to get back to what I am wondering about. He finally decided to get a motel room for us instead of his car. Ok first time in a bed. Should be nice. He says to me can we maybe try anal now. I say yes I do want to. So he tells me to start using a finger or two and maybe a dildo on my ass to loosen it up, the goal being to make it so we don't need to use lube. I go back and ask why he doesn't want to use lube. That since the anus doesn't produce natural lube like the pussy does it is wise even if I was experienced at anal that we use lube. This goes on for a while and I am quoting him things I have read here and at fetlife. That without lube it is possible to tear the inside and could lead to bigger problems. Oh by the way all of a sudden he is referring to me as his sub. He owns me and I will do as he wishes. Ok so if that is the case sir, why don't we get to discuss safe, sane, and sober procedures. I don't think you want to hurt your baby girl. Anyway finally he agrees that we will use lube after all what kind of man do I think he is that I would fuck a virgin ass without lube. I said because that is what you said and I quoted him. I said since we are now officially playing D/s then we need to talk about safety issues. Then he starts on maybe I'm not submissive after all. I say I never said I was, if you go back to the beginning of our talking I said I was interested in D/s but not sub yet. Not sure I'm ready. Then he says if you don't trust me by now . I say I do trust you and don't see why it is such a problem to discuss the safety issues of what we do. I tell him I want to make him happy and if that means I have to suffer pain in anal sex so be it. I will, I want to make him happy. In fact due to something that happened to me when I was 7 I feel that I need to face my fear of anal sex and then maybe I can get over it and in fact that could be the reason why I can't orgasm. So now he comes back with lets forget even trying it, I am just happy to be with you. You are not ready for anal and you are not ready for D/s, I will wait. So am I wrong to insist on lube with anal sex? Am I wrong as a sub to insist up front? Why is it so important for him to want no lube?
I think I broke my Dom
- Thread starter unicorn64
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CutieMouse
Meticulously Flighty
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- Apr 7, 2004
- Posts
- 8,493
Nope, you weren't wrong.
And he wanted it that way, because that's what all the cool kids are doing in the [heavily edited] porn he watches. When you called him on it, he played the D/s card. [Lame] When you called him on THAT, he had a little ego-tantrum and passive-aggressively blamed everything on you, instead of owning up to the idea that he might, maybe possibly not be thinking with the right head.
And he wanted it that way, because that's what all the cool kids are doing in the [heavily edited] porn he watches. When you called him on it, he played the D/s card. [Lame] When you called him on THAT, he had a little ego-tantrum and passive-aggressively blamed everything on you, instead of owning up to the idea that he might, maybe possibly not be thinking with the right head.
midwestyankee
Literotica Guru
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You haven't broken your dom because he isn't one, but you may have unraveled his pretense that he is worthy of your submission or even your time.
Sweetdaisymae
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What he said!!
He isn't thinking of your safety.
Do you think he would be posting here or on Fet if he broke you?
Do you think he would be the slightest bit concerned if he did?
G
GrrlFriday
Guest
"I said since we are now officially playing D/s then we need to talk about safety issues."
I don't think you need to be 'officially playing D/s' to talk about safety issues.
"I tell him I want to make him happy and if that means I have to suffer pain in anal sex so be it. I will, I want to make him happy. In fact due to something that happened to me when I was 7 I feel that I need to face my fear of anal sex and then maybe I can get over it and in fact that could be the reason why I can't orgasm. So now he comes back with lets forget even trying it, I am just happy to be with you. You are not ready for anal and you are not ready for D/s, I will wait."
Wanting to talk about safety issues does not have anything to do with D/s or 'being ready for anal', but I think it is an important part of becoming 'ready for anal' (if that is what you want) and enjoying the experience. Knowing that you're doing things safely can help dispel anxieties, and knowing that your partner is on the same page with not hurting you can also help you enjoy yourself.
Where do you want to go from here?
I don't think you need to be 'officially playing D/s' to talk about safety issues.
"I tell him I want to make him happy and if that means I have to suffer pain in anal sex so be it. I will, I want to make him happy. In fact due to something that happened to me when I was 7 I feel that I need to face my fear of anal sex and then maybe I can get over it and in fact that could be the reason why I can't orgasm. So now he comes back with lets forget even trying it, I am just happy to be with you. You are not ready for anal and you are not ready for D/s, I will wait."
Wanting to talk about safety issues does not have anything to do with D/s or 'being ready for anal', but I think it is an important part of becoming 'ready for anal' (if that is what you want) and enjoying the experience. Knowing that you're doing things safely can help dispel anxieties, and knowing that your partner is on the same page with not hurting you can also help you enjoy yourself.
Where do you want to go from here?
leatherleaf
Experienced
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- Nov 15, 2013
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- 71
I didn't want to be the first voice of dissent especially since I am new to this (less than a year) and new here.
Not everyone started out new as a good Dom or sub or anything. People with experience forget about all the learning patches and if you listen to them they knew it when they popped out of the womb. It all took time and experience. I'm not saying your guy is good or bad or that he's a bad person but he does need help - get him on here and let him learn from these great people or at the least get a book.
I'd suggest at the very least you make a hard limit and ok list (anything not on the list is considered a hard limit until discussed). Put anal with no lube on it for sure. Present it to him. If he cares about you and doing this right he will respect the list.
Not everyone started out new as a good Dom or sub or anything. People with experience forget about all the learning patches and if you listen to them they knew it when they popped out of the womb. It all took time and experience. I'm not saying your guy is good or bad or that he's a bad person but he does need help - get him on here and let him learn from these great people or at the least get a book.
I'd suggest at the very least you make a hard limit and ok list (anything not on the list is considered a hard limit until discussed). Put anal with no lube on it for sure. Present it to him. If he cares about you and doing this right he will respect the list.
Stella_Omega
No Gentleman
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- Jul 14, 2005
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- 39,700
You don't even have to be 'a sub."
Read the essay linked in my signature. it's perfectly possible to be done unto without being a submissive person. You can face your fears, you can try anal sex, you can want your partner to be happy-- all of those lovely things do not make you a sub.
It's not the friction; the sensory stimulation of movement against your rectum can be just heavenly. Your asshole loves you, baby, it wants you to be happy! Do not agree to dry ass fucking.
Especially not if you already had some trauma back there-- why go through that again?
Seriously, if you want to enjoy your butt-- maybe start by yourself.
That way you can control the amount of movement until you get used to it and understand what you like about it. A guy gets his dick in there and he's going to want to pump. You might not want that right at first.
I recommend glass toys, because they are nearly frictionless already, and I like coconut oil instead of anything water based, which would absorb into your walls and dry up.
Read the essay linked in my signature. it's perfectly possible to be done unto without being a submissive person. You can face your fears, you can try anal sex, you can want your partner to be happy-- all of those lovely things do not make you a sub.
It's not the friction; the sensory stimulation of movement against your rectum can be just heavenly. Your asshole loves you, baby, it wants you to be happy! Do not agree to dry ass fucking.
Especially not if you already had some trauma back there-- why go through that again?
Seriously, if you want to enjoy your butt-- maybe start by yourself.
That way you can control the amount of movement until you get used to it and understand what you like about it. A guy gets his dick in there and he's going to want to pump. You might not want that right at first.
I recommend glass toys, because they are nearly frictionless already, and I like coconut oil instead of anything water based, which would absorb into your walls and dry up.
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There have been some REAL good advice here. But Stella just made the most important one - maybe start by yourself -
Also, a Dom/Master or what ever title he wishes to bestow on himself is just that a title. The girl decides when he is her Dom and even more important SHE decides when SHE is ready to give Him complete control of her and call Him Master - anything else is just plan old fashioned BULLSHIT and an ego game he is playing.
Deacon
Now he doesn't want to talk about it anymore. End of discussion. So I just said yes sir. Still debating whether to meet him on the date we planned or not. First he was wimpy then he got more agressive and dominating. Now he seems like he wants to bury his head in the sand. Just cause I want to talk about the issue. I'm new to this too. I don't know what I'm doing other than I read a lot. I see what should happen and I was sort of assuming he didn't know either and that I could turn him into a good Dom if I am even a sub. I am starting to think I may not be. I don't want to turn myself over with no limits and I want to be satisfied. This is the 2nd time I picked the wrong person. Actually if I list my husband then its the 3rd time. Well I can't help it I am afraid of anal but want to just should have left it as a no not now. I'm not ready. He's been buying that for 4 months. Plus I have put up with just being in his car or the restroom at the park. His car is not the most comfortable place to have sex and if he would clean out the back seat it could be better but he refuses cause someone might wonder why he cleaned it up now. He said maybe I need to reevaluate out relationship and I did. I was going to accept his changes to it but I think he needs to reevaluate it to. What does he want. I know what he wants. He wants to be able to unload when he needs to and then not talk for 4 days. First he says its all about me then he takes it and makes it all about him. He even asked me if I felt used. I didn't answer then he said tell me the truth do you feel used. I said yes I did. You call and say I need you and I come running then you don't even acknowledge me afterwards. How else am I to feel used and dirty.
Honestly, it sounds like this relationship is not worth the trouble it's causing you.
When I go into a fuckbuddy-style relationship, I go in with a no-drama rule. Now, if things evolve into a different relationship, that's one thing. But if a NSA situation with someone who's not even a good friend starts to stress me out when we're not even together... it's over.
You are worth more.
A fuckbuddy relationship -- or any kind, really -- only works so long as both people want pretty much the same thing from it. That's not happening. It also has to give you enough -- be that sexual pleasure, happiness, companionship, what have you -- that it pretty much balances out the time, effort, stress, etc., that you put in.
It sounds to me like that is not happening. This guy can't even be arsed to clean out his fucking car -- the tiny space you fuck in -- for you. Your communication's gone to shit (if it ever was any good), and to top it all off he tries to insist on dangerous sexual practices and then gets all whingey and says you're Not A Twue Sub when you express a reasonable concern about your own safety.
I cannot believe this person is the best option in your area for a fuckbuddy. It sounds like you want an actual friend you can fuck, but he can't even be a good respectful NSA fuck, much less a friend. Move on. There are better options out there for you.
When I go into a fuckbuddy-style relationship, I go in with a no-drama rule. Now, if things evolve into a different relationship, that's one thing. But if a NSA situation with someone who's not even a good friend starts to stress me out when we're not even together... it's over.
You are worth more.
A fuckbuddy relationship -- or any kind, really -- only works so long as both people want pretty much the same thing from it. That's not happening. It also has to give you enough -- be that sexual pleasure, happiness, companionship, what have you -- that it pretty much balances out the time, effort, stress, etc., that you put in.
It sounds to me like that is not happening. This guy can't even be arsed to clean out his fucking car -- the tiny space you fuck in -- for you. Your communication's gone to shit (if it ever was any good), and to top it all off he tries to insist on dangerous sexual practices and then gets all whingey and says you're Not A Twue Sub when you express a reasonable concern about your own safety.
I cannot believe this person is the best option in your area for a fuckbuddy. It sounds like you want an actual friend you can fuck, but he can't even be a good respectful NSA fuck, much less a friend. Move on. There are better options out there for you.
Netzach
>semiotics?
- Joined
- Mar 3, 2003
- Posts
- 21,732
Jumpin' Jesus. All BDSM issues aside and without ANY lectures on the sanctity of marriage blah blah...
This isn't an FWB because this isn't a friend. No friend would offer a restroom or a crapped up back seat versus rubbing a couple of pennies together for a hotel or hotel-like thing room for gettin' it on.
You can trade up, just because you're in a tough situation, there are other guys in one too.
This isn't an FWB because this isn't a friend. No friend would offer a restroom or a crapped up back seat versus rubbing a couple of pennies together for a hotel or hotel-like thing room for gettin' it on.
You can trade up, just because you're in a tough situation, there are other guys in one too.
Que
aʒɑ̃ prɔvɔkatœr
- Joined
- Dec 3, 2009
- Posts
- 39,882
I cant imagine myself in the guys shoes...but lets say I was.
I've got a wife that doesn't want to have sex with me but presumably would care if I got it elsewhere and has the nose of a CSI bloodhound. hmmm actually that DOES sound vaguely familiar from a now-blocked past life......whatever could my options be??
1) Take a picture of the backseat...cleeeeean it out...put it all back EXACTLY as it was!
2) Sloooooowwwwly start showing some attention to cleanliness and hygiene so my wife doesn't notice i am no longer a slob...
3) Collect aluminum cans by the side of the road and cash 'em in on the sly until I have enough jingle and jangle in my pocket to get a $30 room for my beloved sub.
4) Obtain a pen, a piece of paper, a pair of dark glasses and a ball cap. Commit one (or a series of) demand note bank robberies. Upside: immediate cash, worst case downside: Federal time with possible conjugal visits with sub impersonating wife.
5) Find a friendly voyeur (with a CLEAN pad) to let you play while he (or she) watches....
6) Do gay-for-pay porn to obtain cash for a love-nest....
...point being this guy doesn't have the resources (including initiative) to be a viable FWB whilst allowing you to have any chance of dignity at all.
Run.
Consider Ashley Madison...you will be the only real girl on there and there's plenty of sneaky RESOURCEFUL guys in the world.
In all seriousness: I know if you are coming from a place of neediness it may SEEM that ANYTHING is better than NOTHING, but it isn't. It gets in the way of finding something wonderful.
I've got a wife that doesn't want to have sex with me but presumably would care if I got it elsewhere and has the nose of a CSI bloodhound. hmmm actually that DOES sound vaguely familiar from a now-blocked past life......whatever could my options be??
1) Take a picture of the backseat...cleeeeean it out...put it all back EXACTLY as it was!
2) Sloooooowwwwly start showing some attention to cleanliness and hygiene so my wife doesn't notice i am no longer a slob...
3) Collect aluminum cans by the side of the road and cash 'em in on the sly until I have enough jingle and jangle in my pocket to get a $30 room for my beloved sub.
4) Obtain a pen, a piece of paper, a pair of dark glasses and a ball cap. Commit one (or a series of) demand note bank robberies. Upside: immediate cash, worst case downside: Federal time with possible conjugal visits with sub impersonating wife.
5) Find a friendly voyeur (with a CLEAN pad) to let you play while he (or she) watches....
6) Do gay-for-pay porn to obtain cash for a love-nest....
...point being this guy doesn't have the resources (including initiative) to be a viable FWB whilst allowing you to have any chance of dignity at all.
Run.
Consider Ashley Madison...you will be the only real girl on there and there's plenty of sneaky RESOURCEFUL guys in the world.
In all seriousness: I know if you are coming from a place of neediness it may SEEM that ANYTHING is better than NOTHING, but it isn't. It gets in the way of finding something wonderful.
bhndblueyes88
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Nov 6, 2010
- Posts
- 2,236
Apologies, TOTALLY unrelated but...
Omigod, why did I never even THINK of coconut oil?!?!
LearnerDom
Experienced
- Joined
- Nov 8, 2013
- Posts
- 99
Ask him to stuff something up HIS bum without any lube and see if that changes his mind
What a prick!
You need prep for anal.
Massage and probe with a finger, and slowly slowly get ready
Then try
Its best to practise yourself a little to resist the urge to push back, try plugs first etc
It usually takes 3 meetings before I fully do anal
But seriously, I think its overrated and attractive only because its "taboo"
For me, a nice warm tight pussy wins every time and anal for me giving actually hurts!
But as I said, its just in many peoples "to do lists" so Im not fussed at all
A finger is fun but that guy is just another anal obsessed prick not worthy of you
You, the sub have the power, you are CHOSING to submit.
And you are right about safety and so many other things.
So dump this joker and get yourself a real Dom.
A real Dom will talk and get to know you, will insist on safety and you both exchange BDSM Checklists and then agree everything in a scene BEFOREHAND and give aftercare
Women are in demand, men not so much so you can afford to be picky.
In the meantime I suggest you get a vibe or two and enjoy yourself and get to know your body
One lady I used to talk to felt guilty about enjoying herself, so we talked and talked, and then started phone\cam sex until she realised its her body and she can enjoy it without anyones permission.
Sex is a free (mostly!) and natural thing as is our bodies so enjoy yourself!
good luck
What a prick!
You need prep for anal.
Massage and probe with a finger, and slowly slowly get ready
Then try
Its best to practise yourself a little to resist the urge to push back, try plugs first etc
It usually takes 3 meetings before I fully do anal
But seriously, I think its overrated and attractive only because its "taboo"
For me, a nice warm tight pussy wins every time and anal for me giving actually hurts!
But as I said, its just in many peoples "to do lists" so Im not fussed at all
A finger is fun but that guy is just another anal obsessed prick not worthy of you
You, the sub have the power, you are CHOSING to submit.
And you are right about safety and so many other things.
So dump this joker and get yourself a real Dom.
A real Dom will talk and get to know you, will insist on safety and you both exchange BDSM Checklists and then agree everything in a scene BEFOREHAND and give aftercare
Women are in demand, men not so much so you can afford to be picky.
In the meantime I suggest you get a vibe or two and enjoy yourself and get to know your body
One lady I used to talk to felt guilty about enjoying herself, so we talked and talked, and then started phone\cam sex until she realised its her body and she can enjoy it without anyones permission.
Sex is a free (mostly!) and natural thing as is our bodies so enjoy yourself!
good luck
LearnerDom
Experienced
- Joined
- Nov 8, 2013
- Posts
- 99
Saw this and thought of you!
http://www.sofeminine.co.uk/sex-sexuality/how-to-have-anal-sex-d47079.html
and FFS I just could never ask a woman to have sex in a car or a restroom
what a sleaseball this guy is
Tell him you've reconsidered your relationship and your worth a hell of a lot more, so its back to porn masturbating for him as he cant handle a real woman
A dirty car FFS!!
Please please dump this loser and start the path to a happier more assertive and demanding you, life is not a rehearsal!
Oh and I hope he is using condoms!
Going pussy to ass is danger danger with diseases
plus always clean toys
http://www.sofeminine.co.uk/sex-sexuality/how-to-have-anal-sex-d47079.html
and FFS I just could never ask a woman to have sex in a car or a restroom
what a sleaseball this guy is
Tell him you've reconsidered your relationship and your worth a hell of a lot more, so its back to porn masturbating for him as he cant handle a real woman
A dirty car FFS!!
Please please dump this loser and start the path to a happier more assertive and demanding you, life is not a rehearsal!
Oh and I hope he is using condoms!
Going pussy to ass is danger danger with diseases
plus always clean toys
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Primalex
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jul 14, 2007
- Posts
- 6,144
Hm.
Somehow I disagree. That's exactly the difference between a friend and a lover. Spending the night in a car is exactly what I would only do for a friend...
Loverskitten
I bite
- Joined
- Oct 5, 2011
- Posts
- 2,186
Nothing says BFFs like fucking on old fast food wrappers.
Stella_Omega
No Gentleman
- Joined
- Jul 14, 2005
- Posts
- 39,700
Dump him.
he needs to work on himself before he ever works on any woman-- if he wants to unload for nothing, he can unload on a sex worker and pay her recompense.
If you are looking for some BDSM sex, I would counsel you to not worry about relationships immediately. In this case, the sexual needs have to mesh or else the relationship might not ever gel.
There's a website called fetlife.com which is like facebook for pervs
Go join, look for your area, and see what kinds of social get togethers are happening nearby. Go out and meet like-minded people, and see if you mesh with one or two of them! And figure you might pick a couple more wrong persons before you find the right one.
midwestyankee
Literotica Guru
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- Sep 4, 2003
- Posts
- 32,076
FWIW, Burger King uses softer paper to wrap its burgers than any of the other prominent fast-food emporiums. It's also a good thing, in this context as well as others, that all ff restaurants have given up on using styrofoam containers. Nothing says shitty sex like the crunch of styrofoam under your ass at just the wrong time, right?
LearnerDom
Experienced
- Joined
- Nov 8, 2013
- Posts
- 99
LOL, the guys a real pro. Probably doesn't wash or shower as that's not his usual routine either
I think if his wife did find out she'd probably beat him more for treating the poor girl like shit than for cheating.
In all my days I've read anything like this wanker
Netzach
>semiotics?
- Joined
- Mar 3, 2003
- Posts
- 21,732
Like Harold and Kumar have a booty call?
I don't think the OP's bud-ship is in that kind of shape.
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Stella, I did meet him on Fetlife. He was local. I have met several on Fetlife that are strictly on line but pretty good friends. Not that many locals. I agree with and have decided I won't see him again. He does have magic fingers and I can now cum when I couldn't before. But I do feel put out when he does things the way he does. The girl he was with before me told me he was very good in bed if you can get him to a bed. But she said he is quite happy in the car. I am too old to make out in a car and even though he is a little better than the other dom I met on fetlife I feel neither one were Doms. Wana bees. I still don't know if I am a submissive or not but I know I am not a slave. I am trying to be what a man wants me to be but he can't change what he wants mid stream so to speak. I may be out of my gourd wanting to finally have an orgasm at 65 but I would like to experience it once before I die. I just see myself not ever getting there. Somehow I always get the wrong ones. Even one of the local Fetlife men who contacted me in our discussions got mad at me and broke an online discussion . I must be saying or doing something wrong. I've tried to be honest with everyone in what I want and why. I have tried not to keep secrets from any one and I try to do what they want it I meet in person. But if I can't even keep em interested on line I gotta be doing something wrong.
Shysub412
Experienced
- Joined
- Dec 5, 2013
- Posts
- 34
Please don't think it's something you are doing wrong, you said it yourself, wannabes, that's what a lot of them are!
You have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince/princess!!
A good Dom/me will be able to talk to you, explore your wants and needs before even trying anything with you. You as a submissive have the power to set hard limits, discuss soft limits and explain what it is you are looking for. That's not to say they won't try and see if they can introduce new ideas or push boundaries (but never hard limits) that's part of the fun of giving yourself as a Sub to a Dom/me.
You will also find Dom/mes have hard limits, not everybody is into everything.
Keep trying, don't give up hope- without hope we are lost.
Be open and honest and eventually you will find your One.
You have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince/princess!!
A good Dom/me will be able to talk to you, explore your wants and needs before even trying anything with you. You as a submissive have the power to set hard limits, discuss soft limits and explain what it is you are looking for. That's not to say they won't try and see if they can introduce new ideas or push boundaries (but never hard limits) that's part of the fun of giving yourself as a Sub to a Dom/me.
You will also find Dom/mes have hard limits, not everybody is into everything.
Keep trying, don't give up hope- without hope we are lost.
Be open and honest and eventually you will find your One.
Stella_Omega
No Gentleman
- Joined
- Jul 14, 2005
- Posts
- 39,700
Online is kinda the place where fragile little boymen go-- its safer for them and they can break off discussion if they feel like their manly souls have been impugned.
There are no munches you can get to?
