How to Know... (Ex Topic)

[ncseeker]

How do you know when you are truly over your ex?

My ex and I called it "quits" five months ago, after being together for five years.

We have played nicely, with NO contact, but she seems to still be on my mind. I find myself dreaming about her. I find myself angry about her. I know it's irrational, I know why the relationship failed....but, she's still there, in my dreams, if not in my waking moments.

Seriously, is this common? I know there isn't one "correct" answer, but I would appreciate some input as to how others have dealt with the same type of scenario.

 

[NippleMuncher]

The demise of a relationship is no different from any other loss in life, it is how you are able to cope with life in general that will dictate how you handle the situation. Everyone is different, every circumstance is different, it is the individual that has to decide to either stay attached to a moment in time and keep it ever present, or to file it as a memory, as part of life and move on. Moving on does not mean forgetting, it just means that you recognize that this particular relationship had its existence, and now it's over, so it's time to move forward and create new memories.

I would also urge you to use this as a learning experience. Learn why you created the relationship. Take ownership of your roll in it and in the ultimate demise of it. Hold the ex-partner to their roll in it and their creations that were the ultimate demise of it. Learn from this what you prefer and DO NOT recreate the non-preferred nuances.

As a simplistic example, if your partner was a purple alien and you despise purple aliens, don't date another one.

 

[DrHappy]

It's like a grieving process. A person will feel ups and downs. With time, the downs tend to gradually decrease in intensity, and they will be spaced further apart.

You can't tell determine your status just by how you feel on one particular day. However, you can tell if ever reach the point where the downs don't bother you much anymore, and they far apart. Keep in mind that you may never completely get over anyone 100%, but it can low enough that it falls into the insignificant clutter of life.

 

[SunDevilGirl]

If you are still angry then you're not "over" it.

Figure out what is making you angry. What unresolved feelings are keeping you captive? Work those out. Learn from it. Anger isn't good for you or future relationships.

As far as dreams, you may never stop dreaming about her. But I bet once you don't feel anger anymore, the dreams will slow down and eventually stop.

Yes, of course it's common. You obviously cared for her... the feelings/dreams/anger won't stop overnight.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

How do you know when you are truly over your ex?

My ex and I called it "quits" five months ago, after being together for five years.

We have played nicely, with NO contact, but she seems to still be on my mind. I find myself dreaming about her. I find myself angry about her. I know it's irrational, I know why the relationship failed....but, she's still there, in my dreams, if not in my waking moments.

Seriously, is this common? I know there isn't one "correct" answer, but I would appreciate some input as to how others have dealt with the same type of scenario.

I asked that same question 30 years ago, and was told: WHEN YOU DONT GIVE A SHIT WHO SHE FUCKS. Its true.

 

[WomanInProgress]

There is no hard and fast rule, but the fact that you're still angry at her, anger being a strong emotion, points to you not being over her.

Best thing I can think of is confront the feeling, figure out what makes you angry and the rationalize it. Confronting feelings and dealing with them is more productive than denial.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

There is no hard and fast rule, but the fact that you're still angry at her, anger being a strong emotion, points to you not being over her.

Best thing I can think of is confront the feeling, figure out what makes you angry and the rationalize it. Confronting feelings and dealing with them is more productive than denial.

Did you know that you can spend a lot of time ruminating old crap? Your way is a racket.

 

[Bramblethorn]

How do you know when you are truly over your ex?

My ex and I called it "quits" five months ago, after being together for five years.

We have played nicely, with NO contact, but she seems to still be on my mind. I find myself dreaming about her. I find myself angry about her. I know it's irrational, I know why the relationship failed....but, she's still there, in my dreams, if not in my waking moments.

Seriously, is this common? I know there isn't one "correct" answer, but I would appreciate some input as to how others have dealt with the same type of scenario.

Five months isn't that long. IME it's not unusual for the grieving to take as long as the original relationship - although it gets a lot easier to deal with during that time, and doesn't mean you have to stay celibate until then.

 

[Primalex]

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

 

[lovecraft68]

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

Those are the stages of accepting a terminal diagnosis and death.

I suppose the two are similar in a way.

 

[oggbashan]

I asked that same question 30 years ago, and was told: WHEN YOU DONT GIVE A SHIT WHO SHE FUCKS. Its true.

I rarely agree with JBJ, but that advice is sound.

Anyone that you have had a reasonable relationship with for five years is likely to be a significant memory for the rest of your life, even if you never see them again.

Time will erode the memory of the break-up, and the reasons for it, and the best of what you shared will survive. That can be dangerous if you meet up again in the future because your memory will have softened the unpleasant parts.

If you don't care what happens, then the relationship is really defunct.

 

[silverwhisper]

i really don't like agreeing with either JBJ or primalex but i think they're both spot on here.

ed

 

[ncseeker]

I really appreciate the measured, and considerate, replies to my initial post.

I have read, and will continue to reread, each thoughtful reply. You guys and gals have been very sincere and honest in your appraisals.

I have really been touched by the no-nonsense, practical responses to my problem.


Inherently, I seem to understand the best of the advice but, in spite of my best interests, I can't help but want to keep picking at the proverbial scab.

It's human nature, no? If a former mate seems perfect on paper, then that relationship MUST be destined, Hell or high water, no?

I hope I can, eventually, follow the great advice in this thread, in spite of my delusional romantic fantasies. I hope that my mature, better half, will prevail.

 

[VivienneLeroux]

I'm a bit late to the party, but I've been going through this for 3 years. My relationship with the person lasted for 7 years and was pretty messed up.

So you'd figure it would be easy to go on right? Not necessarily.

No matter what is said or done, the fact remains that for a decent period of time your life was intertwined with someone else's. Memories were made, both good and bad. And those memories have changed you as a person.

As cliche as it sounds - time does help. You start to notice that the dreams don't come as often, aren't as terrible. You think about them a little less each day/week. Soon, you can see their picture or hear someone talk about them without that awful feeling in the pit of your stomach.

You just have to keep reminding yourself that things ended for a reason (again, as trite as it sounds). Don't regret being with that person because there were good times and those times have shaped you and your life as it is now.

I look back now and see that if horrible things hadn't happened, drastic changes wouldn't have happened. Thus, good things wouldn't have come my way.

 

[huelust]

I'm going through this now and it sucks, but at the same time there are days when I just feel so light. Someone even commented that I just looked like something that was weighing me down is gone. It's true. I would echo the importance of time. It's so very tempting to jump into another relationship, but part of the reason my last one didn't work out was that I wasn't over the one before him! I was able to mask the pain of that break up by jumping into a relationship with someone else and really does that ever work out?

The dreams will definitely be less. I wish I could just wipe everything away tomorrow and move on, but I can't and I won't. Accept, breathe, stay connected with the others in your life you love and who love you, and know all things come to pass.

 

[Que]

Our divorce was final one week before the twenty year anniversary of our first date. She isn't the type to notice something as romantically significant as that.

Romance is something I am a huge fan of. That said, I KNOW it is simply illusory. The modern version we all read about in books and saw in movies isn't of very ancient date and is largely unknown in long stable cultures.

It took me a year after she r-u-n-n-o-f-t to try for the first phone number. It was about a year and a half for the first kiss. Even THAT I attached romantic and symbolic significance. It happened on the day it was final. Not because i waited, I had been TRYING to make that happen a while...surely it means something right? No. I STILL fantasize about that girl but I am so lucky she friend-zoned me. She is/would have been a disaster.

Best advice I got 4 years ago was from my then 14 year old daughter..."Dad you can't call it a date!!! That is too MUCH pressure..."

That didn't fix the hurt or the aching need for connection, but it did lead to an epiphany. It is MUCH easier to get laid than get a "date" for lunch.

I got a lot of advice that getting laid would help. I dunno. I find it a little hollow. Not as connected as I would like. Worth doing though.

Mostly, you are going to have to suffer. What you are doing here, talking to others helps some. Be around others in platonic activities. Get yourself a flock of "dudes" to hang out with. Preferably the type that your next girl likely won't approve of....and don't drop them when you get a girl...don't let yourself get isolated again...Bro's b4 ho's as my younger compatriots are fond of saying...

(for the chicks, ho's b4 bro's for the sake of equality...smirk)

 

[Saucyminx]

snip . . .
(for the chicks, ho's b4 bro's for the sake of equality...smirk)

We always went with "Chicks before dicks," at least until all my girlfriends ran off with their new men and forgot the saying entirely.

And I still think of romantic milestones from my Ex. We've been split for 6 years now and I consider myself over it, but I will probably always get those little twinges now and again.

 

[Que]

We always went with "Chicks before dicks," at least until all my girlfriends ran off with their new men and forgot the saying entirely.

And I still think of romantic milestones from my Ex. We've been split for 6 years now and I consider myself over it, but I will probably always get those little twinges now and again.

Ha! I kind of figured that must be a female equivalent. Nice one!

I'm sure it's true that people of both genders Off and jump into another relationship in order to seek validation for the pain they feel of the rejection. It's good to stay connected to your friends. Rekindle old friendships and start new ones.

 

[Hypoxia]

Our relationship was over long before we divorced. It had never been a great, well-founded marriage anyway. We parted, not as enemies or friends, but more as formerly intimate strangers, and we've avoided each other ever since. I have never dreamed of that ex. Current reality is so much better.

 

[ncseeker]

Man, you guys have been great. I can't tell ya.

I find myself wanting to start a new relationship so badly, but then I wonder if it's because I feel a need to fill a void.....or, if I am genuinely interested in this other person, without qualifiers.

The scary truth is, what worries me the most, is that I am probably happier alone than with someone else. At least, at this point.

I also feel like I'm starting over. Completely. All old friends are gone. New job. It's so strange: Like someone hit a reset button on my life that I wasn't aware of.

 

[ambiguityperson]

I had an intense 10-month relationship almost twenty years ago. I've been happily married to another wonderful woman for twelve years, and I can honestly say I'm still not "over" my first. I still love her deeply. It's not better or worse than my love for my wife, or for the other woman that I fell for between the two. Each love is different. Each one has a different flavor, a different impact on my life and my character. I take pains not to compare the women I've been with, because they were all very different, and I found in each one something different to love. I cherish the experiences I had, the lessons I learned, and the changes in me that those heartaches engendered. The advice I would give is not to try to bury what you had, but to set it on the shelf like an old book, where you can pick it up and treasure it in quiet moments in the future. But be careful not to try to write your new book in the same way. It's a new adventure, with a new hero(ine), and a new plot. What could be more exciting than that?

 

[Scattered_Ice]

people make so much fuss and excuses on stuff that doesn't exist

 

[Emerson40]

Bro's b4 ho's as my younger compatriots are fond of saying...

(for the chicks, ho's b4 bro's for the sake of equality...smirk)

We always went with "Chicks before dicks," at least until all my girlfriends ran off with their new men and forgot the saying entirely.
.

A friend of my wife dropped "Uteruses before duderuses" at a bar-b-que in the summer.




As to the OP, there is some great advice above, from folks who have experienced the same thing you are going through. I would suggest you make use of this time alone to work on yourself as well - make sure you are in a good place emotionally and in your head. As suggested, get out and do some socializing.

You'll know when you are over the ex, and you're ready to get involved with someone again.

 

[Hypoxia]

people make so much fuss and excuses on stuff that doesn't exist

OK, I'll bite. What stuff doesn't exist?

 

[amofiga]

How do you know when you are truly over your ex?

My ex and I called it "quits" five months ago, after being together for five years.

We have played nicely, with NO contact, but she seems to still be on my mind. I find myself dreaming about her. I find myself angry about her. I know it's irrational, I know why the relationship failed....but, she's still there, in my dreams, if not in my waking moments.

Seriously, is this common? I know there isn't one "correct" answer, but I would appreciate some input as to how others have dealt with the same type of scenario.

You're probably on the cusp. I once read that it takes about a month for every year of a relationship to get over it. Five years, five months on average.

I'm not sure the comment about not caring who she fucks is 100% there because it still seems to carry a lot of hidden anger. I'd say, she could be in your dreams and thoughts for a long time. I've have ex's from 20 years ago, but now I remember them fondly and still remember the good times. When you can feel about your ex as you might a casual work assciate of neighbor, you're probabaly over her. That means the "anger" has faded as well as the "desire" and she's pretty much just somebody on the street.