New to BDSM

[owenshadbolt]

Hi All,

I think I've found somewhere on the net to hang out (I don't do facebook) From the threads I've been reading and the stories, all the people here seem so real, open and ready to help

My name is Owen (or Sir!) I am 43 years old, a computer tech and grew up in the central wheat belt of Western Australia. I am married to a wonderful woman who is a latent sub (I'd like to change that). What I didn't know is that I could get off on being forceful and dominating (always would have thought of myself as a sub if anything).

My wife and I have experimented with spanking, the belt, domination/submission and bondage. She has also expressed an interest in being disciplined and fucked in public.

I want to lead her down the path toward becoming my full time sub... but I love her and don't want to risk doing her any kind of damage (physical, emotional or any otherwise).

So... any kind of advice, suggestions or offers of mentoring would be most welcome. I mean I have no idea really where to start.

 

[FlyAwayFromHere]

hi! im a newbie... iv been trying out being a sub the last couple of days... only a litle bit nothing hardcore.

i wrote a similar post from my perspective... i was encouraged to read some books. i cant remember what they are called but you will find them on my post.

i hope this was helpful.

fly

 

[leatherleaf]

I'm also fairly new (sorry not much help).

There are quite a few resources online. I found this site very helpful when thinking about ideas.

My main interest was rope bondage and I found the videos from Two Knotty Boys and Twisted Monk (just search those on Youtube) to be extremely helpful.

I also read SM101 by Jay Wiseman.

The people here are quite friendly but there are a few that don't believe in the concept of newbs. What can I say? Some people just popped out of the womb already knowing this stuff. Luckily they are the small percentage and easy to ignore and worth wading through to tap all the knowledge and kindness of the others.

Though I'm having difficulties sorting through the communication thing with my own wife I feel that its the most important aspect (even though I "talk it to death"). The most helpful thing I did was have my wife make a list with three columns (YES I Definitely want to do X/I'm interested in these but not sure/I definitely do not want to do these things). At least that way I had a hard list of no's.

Of course safewords are very important to us. The first time I tied her up I kept asking if she was ok. That was a huge mood killer. I guess I was just afraid she wouldn't use the safeword.

The actual "stuff" I think so far is not too difficult. Its the emotional "stuff" that is though. Communication, going too far or not far enough, knowing what the other person likes and can handle and adjusting to different moods and needs as they change and evolve is the tough part. For me the knots are easy (I was a boy scout) and I can build all types of nice fun stuff. And one day I'll figure out PEOPLE and what makes them tick (that's a joke everyone).

Best of luck. I'm learning with you.

J

 

[CutieMouse]

I want to lead her down the path toward becoming my full time sub... but I love her and don't want to risk doing her any kind of damage (physical, emotional or any otherwise).

A) what does "becoming my full time sub" look like, in your mind? What does it look like in her mind?

B) what about it leads you to worry that being a "full time sub" would cause her damage?

 

[FlyAwayFromHere]

i was worried about damaging my current relationship with my husband by turning it into a new one where we might not be able to get back to our old one

we are doing ok so far though . maybe he means that?

 

[Trinique_Fire]

I think when people begin to discover their kinkier sides with someone they've already been deeply involved with for some time, it may make some folks worry since they're moving from one dynamic to another. I imagine that being married, maintaining a fairly "average" or vanilla marriage/relationship/sex life feels like a total 180 when couples or one half of a couple discover their BDSM side. Of course it's natural to worry that you might damage your partner, even if some of us who are more experienced see those fears as unfounded. This is uncharted territory for a lot of people!

I don't think you're going to damage your wife. Move slowly, proceed with caution, and learn things together. Maybe even try flipping roles every now and then so you both understand the full perspective of what you're both taking on in your D/s roles. Laugh about your experiences and have fun. Remember your journey is not necessarily a Gorean novel.

 

[CutieMouse]

I think when people begin to discover their kinkier sides with someone they've already been deeply involved with for some time, it may make some folks worry since they're moving from one dynamic to another. I imagine that being married, maintaining a fairly "average" or vanilla marriage/relationship/sex life feels like a total 180 when couples or one half of a couple discover their BDSM side. Of course it's natural to worry that you might damage your partner, even if some of us who are more experienced see those fears as unfounded. This is uncharted territory for a lot of people!

I don't think you're going to damage your wife. Move slowly, proceed with caution, and learn things together. Maybe even try flipping roles every now and then so you both understand the full perspective of what you're both taking on in your D/s roles. Laugh about your experiences and have fun. Remember your journey is not necessarily a Gorean novel.

Agreed.

I remember worrying that I was "changing everything"... but to be honest, my D/s relationships look almost exactly like the non-D/s relationships I used to have. [For me] The only significant difference is the mindset.

Q. Did you ever spank an ass or pull someone's hair during a moment of passion?
A. You've done mild S/M play.

Q. Did you ever pin a partner down, or hold their wrists above their head?
A. You've done mild bondage.

Q. Did you ever express an interest in a particular outfit/ place to eat/ etc on date night, and your partner complied?
A. That could be viewed as a modest power exchange (Top/bottom).

Q. Does one person in the relationship already have the "final say" when a decision needs to be made?
A. Your relationship already has some [theoretical] small degree of power/ control in place.

Yes, it can be scary to label and quantify things, but (at least early on, in my experience) BDSM doesn't have to mean some big huge dramatic CHANGE.

 

[Trinique_Fire]

Agreed.

I remember worrying that I was "changing everything"... but to be honest, my D/s relationships look almost exactly like the non-D/s relationships I used to have. [For me] The only significant difference is the mindset.

Q. Did you ever spank an ass or pull someone's hair during a moment of passion?
A. You've done mild S/M play.

Q. Did you ever pin a partner down, or hold their wrists above their head?
A. You've done mild bondage.

Q. Did you ever express an interest in a particular outfit/ place to eat/ etc on date night, and your partner complied?
A. That could be viewed as a modest power exchange (Top/bottom).

Q. Does one person in the relationship already have the "final say" when a decision needs to be made?
A. Your relationship already has some [theoretical] small degree of power/ control in place.

Yes, it can be scary to label and quantify things, but (at least early on, in my experience) BDSM doesn't have to mean some big huge dramatic CHANGE.

These are all EXTREMELY good points CM has made here. Hopefully it makes your journey a little less nerve wracking. I don't know if you're a writer, but for me, personally, it helps to work a lot of my feelings and insecurities about BDSM out in stories.

 

[FlyAwayFromHere]

the above post was helpful to me.

my answer is yes to all questions so now i feel a little more confident.

thanks

 

[Aurelia_Malys]

My suggestions/ thoughts for someone new to bdsm:
1. There is no "right" way to live your life and what works for one person may not work for you so don't take anything as gospel-truth in how you have to do things.
2. Communication is key. One thing that can help is to read stories here at lit and share those that interest you. Then use that as a launching point to discuss what you liked about the story with your partner.
3. Checklists, sex maps, and surveys are available all over the internet and can be useful in beginning a dialogue about what things you want to try and what things are not of interest to you.
4. Keep in mind that as you and your partner try new things, what had been of interest, or what had been a limit, may change. Never stop reflecting on what is interesting you, and never stop communicating with your partner.

 

[CutieMouse]

Another thing that some "newbies" might find amusing...

I started exploring power dynamics in relationships about 10 years ago. Some relationships have been more involved than others but every [post-divorce] relationship I've had has been somewhere on the D/s spectrum.

My first (only, and last) experience with a flogger was... 6? 7 years ago?

None of my lovers have ever used a cane on me.

I went to a local munch a couple of times, but I didn't really "click" with anyone, so I stopped going.

I've never been to a public dungeon; I have zero desire to watch other people get their kink on.

I did have an arrangement years ago where I slept in bondage every night (wrist & ankle cuffs), but I've never actually done "bondage".

I've expressed a desire to experience a belt in play, but my partners partner at the time considered it a hard limit, so we didn't.

Often, when "newbies" come here, worried about how to "get into BDSM"... they've done more actual, physical, stereotypical "BDSM" already, than I've done in 10 years of exploration. My kinks don't depend on those things; they aren't a high priority [to me], yet I still consider myself a knowledgeable, experienced [in the ways that matter to me] submissive partner.

Now -

Would I suggest one claim themselves a "Master" at XYZ activity, having never done it before?

No.

Would I suggest knowing/ learning the risks of XYZ, and acting accordingly?

Fuck.Yes.

In the end, this isn't rocket surgery... it's a relationship. It might be a little different from Bob and Susie Neighbor's relationship, but then again, it might not.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

.... One thing that can help is to read stories here at lit and share those that interest you....

One caveat regarding this particular bit of advice. Keep it in your mind, and share with your partner when you share the story(ies): These stories are fantasies, and as such, bear little or no resemblance to real-life BDSM (even my own, with the exception of my How-To article {shameless plug}).

Not every pyl is 19, virgin, gorgeous, classically educated, blah, blah, blah. Not every PYL is late-20s, early 30s, outrageously handsome, rich, classically educated, blah, blah, blah. I could go on, but the key is the underscored word above. Keep it, if not in the forefront, at least reasonably prominent in your mind.

 

[FlyAwayFromHere]

That is the main reason i have NEVER let my hubby read the stories that i read. I wouldnt want him to get the wrong idea that what i get turned on by i would actually want to happen in the real world because more often than not i defo wouldnt.

I let him read the stories i write though.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

Agreed....

BDSM doesn't have to mean some big huge dramatic CHANGE.

Another thing that some "newbies" might find amusing....

In the end, this isn't rocket surgery... it's a relationship. It might be a little different from Bob and Susie Neighbor's relationship, but then again, it might not.

These two quotes (and they're just a few posts up, so I'm not going to waste untold pixels quoting them in toto) exemplify why I consider Da Mouse one of the wisest and most helpful posters here. She's always on-point and practical, and for one's first post/thread here to get a CM response (let alone two!) is an indication that one has posted something new and/or important, and done so clearly and concisely.

 

[owenshadbolt]

Thank you

Hi All,

Thank you for all the wonderful posts. I have enjoyed reading all the comments and advice. It has been great to learn. To have some things affirmed for me, some corrected and ideas for some new things, like the reading suggestions and contacting a club.

My wife and I are really enjoying this journey. We are taking it slow and steady which not only helps to keep us safe but also is giving us the time to really savour each new discovery. My biggest surprise though has come from the implications (all good) for the rest of our relationship outside the bedroom! Our communication has deepened and we have rediscovered that wonderful excitement that comes from just being in each others company. I don't recall ever having so much fun together as we are now

 

[Sweetdaisymae]

The thing I would say, is don't set a defined point of destination, ie I am at point a now, and for me to feel that I have sufficiently arrived, I need to be at point x. Somewhere along the journey you may discover that point X is not where you really want to be and you end up feeling more at home down path R or S...
Ok you may have an image of a leather clad, whip swinging Dom in your head, and that image appeals, but you will find that the toys and the clothes are just tools to set a scene, and are not essential. Your mindset and your ability to listen and evolve are more important.

Ok a little fuzzy, what I am saying is don't have set ideas, there is not right or wrong way, just the ways that are right in your own particular dynamic.

Communicate, a lot.
Be more honest than you have ever been in your lives.

Dont go crazy. You have opened the door to a wonderful new world and you want to dive on in. Be risk aware. Be sane. Do not run before you can walk. Use common sense. And Do have fun, if it isn't fun, why do it?