Women: Do you have to behave like a lady in public

[Kim_Burly]

Sir treats me like a lady in public, in front of his colleagues and with our family and friends. Holding the door, opening my car door, speaking to me, introducing and so on. What I think of as an old school gentleman. In turn he demands that I behave like a lady in the same company/surroundings.

So last night we were out for dinner with two vanilla couples, I let "bullsh*t" slip during our conversation. He gave me the look and I knew I was in trouble. I immediately apologized to him as Sir, which took the people off-guard and then to everyone at the table. Everyone else laughed as though I were being silly. But they could clearly see that he was not happy and I had a, for the lack of a better term, a scared look about me. We picked up where we left off until we were home alone. Even though I fancy myself as pretty tough, in a very brief time he had reduced me to a sobbing bag of flesh. Begging for mercy. He carried on until he was certain I had learned my lesson. I spent last night, sleeping bound in a cold and uncomfortable place. After I made breakfast, I had to write an essay of how a lady should speak and behave in public. Followed by some more punishment.

As I was trying to sleep, naked, freezing my butt off last night, I was pretty mad at Sir, thinking he had overreacted to a single word. But by the time I finished my essay (written while standing) I saw the wisdom in his decision. As we are getting closer to our wedding date he is tightening up on rules that are important to him. Once we all move in together (us and my children) obviously, there will be huge adjustments and he won't be able to discipline me as easily, so he is using this time to "put his finishing touches on me".

I realize that there are many different relationships, but for women in a real life, 24/7, whatever you want to call it, does your Dom insist that you act like a lady in public?

I will add that I have a wide latitude in language that I can use during sexual situations. Especially when I am topping Lynn. I can say a lot when we are doing light-hearted wrestling/sex. During scenes I can mouth off if I choose to, but there may be a price to pay. When he is really going at me hard and I get into subspace he will let a lot slide, because I pretty much lose control of my mouth.

Sorry for going on. My butt is still aching, so I can't get the whole incident out of my mind.

 

[babyjane20011]

Sir treats me like a lady in public, in front of his colleagues and with our family and friends. Holding the door, opening my car door, speaking to me, introducing and so on. What I think of as an old school gentleman. In turn he demands that I behave like a lady in the same company/surroundings.

So last night we were out for dinner with two vanilla couples, I let "bullsh*t" slip during our conversation. He gave me the look and I knew I was in trouble. I immediately apologized to him as Sir, which took the people off-guard and then to everyone at the table. Everyone else laughed as though I were being silly. But they could clearly see that he was not happy and I had a, for the lack of a better term, a scared look about me. We picked up where we left off until we were home alone. Even though I fancy myself as pretty tough, in a very brief time he had reduced me to a sobbing bag of flesh. Begging for mercy. He carried on until he was certain I had learned my lesson. I spent last night, sleeping bound in a cold and uncomfortable place. After I made breakfast, I had to write an essay of how a lady should speak and behave in public. Followed by some more punishment.

As I was trying to sleep, naked, freezing my butt off last night, I was pretty mad at Sir, thinking he had overreacted to a single word. But by the time I finished my essay (written while standing) I saw the wisdom in his decision. As we are getting closer to our wedding date he is tightening up on rules that are important to him. Once we all move in together (us and my children) obviously, there will be huge adjustments and he won't be able to discipline me as easily, so he is using this time to "put his finishing touches on me".

I realize that there are many different relationships, but for women in a real life, 24/7, whatever you want to call it, does your Dom insist that you act like a lady in public?

I will add that I have a wide latitude in language that I can use during sexual situations. Especially when I am topping Lynn. I can say a lot when we are doing light-hearted wrestling/sex. During scenes I can mouth off if I choose to, but there may be a price to pay. When he is really going at me hard and I get into subspace he will let a lot slide, because I pretty much lose control of my mouth.

Sorry for going on. My butt is still aching, so I can't get the whole incident out of my mind.

you wanted to be in relationship be many men want ladies in pubilc so not suprised at his reaction

 

[Emergingwoman]

I do. My parents raised me southern in the mountains of Colorado-so yes.

 

[Stella_Omega]

But they could clearly see that he was not happy and I had a, for the lack of a better term, a scared look about me.

If I didn't know you well enough to know your relationship dynamic, I would be calling you the next day to find out if you needed help getting away from an abusive partner. And it would cause me a lot of turmoil knowing that I was going to stick my nose into someone else's business, and I would more likely lose a friendship than anything else.

I would never in a million years demand such stifled, controlled, behavior from anyone, It seems to me that a person would spend more time being utterly stifled and unable to communicate than anything else. I like bondage, but I would never want to tie down someone's mind.

 

[knot_sweet]

If it's part of the power exchange that you modify your behaviour, and you're happy to do so, I shouldn't really judge. And I'm not, but I am slightly worried.

In the same ballpark as Stella here...You are who you are. Being forced to be someone else for the rest of your relationship may become very wearing and even emotionally damaging.

Perhaps an agreement where you get to be yourself around your friends might be a way of maintaining balance and not losing yourself.

But bottom line, if you're ok, then have at it and please feel free to ignore me.

As per your original question...nope, not a lady. Not ever. Not even in high heels on a ballroom floor.

I don't do lady. Not in that sense.

And anyone who tried to force me to be one as part of some sort of permanent behavioural modification would be out the door so fast their head would spin.

 

[KoPilot]

I remember I had a meeting last year with some work colleagues as the company was still in its infancy and had just gotten done hiring most of the team. We met in a hip part of town and had our meetings/get-togethers at places that served alcohol. I was the only female-assigned person in the whole group, and it was a little nerve-wracking.

The advice my grandmother gave me? Ladies don't drink in the company of men.

"Haha, fuck that horseshit," I thought to myself.

No, and thank god. He likes that I've got the mouth of a sailor (I curb it around my parents and family). He likes where my tough spots and soft spots are. He likes that I'm entrepreneurial. That I'll get my hands (and the rest of me) dirty. That I don't get my nails done. That if I can, I like to show submission by carrying the bags while he gets to keep his hands free.

Some people are into the antiquated stuff. And hey, whatever floats your boat.

And yeah, I'm not a lady ever either. Not in a tulle dress with makeup on.

 

[desertslave]

Master likes me to behave in a manner that reflects well on him, but he would never go so far as to become a hypocrite in the process. He cusses like the sailor he is. I'm not usually quite that...vulgar...in public but it's more because I'm just not than it is because of any rules. My zingers in private often make him laugh, at least in part because they're at least a little bit out of character.

 

[MeekMe]

Mister really likes when we talk by ourselves. He says he'd go crazy if I tried to talk like a lady all the time. In different situations, I alter how I talk simply because it's appropriate. I wouldn't curse and say vulgar things in front of his grandmother, for example.

But in no way would he expect me to be a different person in the company of friends.

I don't know your relationship, but to me it seems he overreacted. Especially to be visibly angry in front of other couples like that. If you have to smile and be a lady in public perhaps he should hold himself to a higher standard and stifle his own impulses.

 

[Kim_Burly]

Well, I'm sorry if I startled you people. I don't think that the other two (vanilla) couples were going to call the police to have me put into protective custody from my abusive fiancé. I guess if overwhelming is happiness, joy and giddiness are signs of abuse than color me abused. I guess I need to be careful about what I post here and not just my foul language .

Yes, when I know I'm going to get punished I get scared because I know it's going to go beyond the fun pain that I love so much. But I need those boundaries. I really admire those of you with enough self-control and self-discipline that you don't need external correction. I however do, and at the end of the day, it makes for a much happier Kim.

I'm sorry, I'll choose my words more carefully in the future.

 

[MeekMe]

Well, I'm sorry if I startled you people. I don't think that the other two (vanilla) couples were going to call the police to have me put into protective custody from my abusive fiancé. I guess if overwhelming is happiness, joy and giddiness are signs of abuse than color me abused. I guess I need to be careful about what I post here and not just my foul language .

Yes, when I know I'm going to get punished I get scared because I know it's going to go beyond the fun pain that I love so much. But I need those boundaries. I really admire those of you with enough self-control and self-discipline that you don't need external correction. I however do, and at the end of the day, it makes for a much happier Kim.

I'm sorry, I'll choose my words more carefully in the future.

Thank you for sharing your experience. I read your post and it didn't sit well with me. :/ I was trying to be open to your experience so I read it, clicked the reply button, typed a response and then canceled it.

I did that several times.

My aversion to your situation answered questions I've had for myself. I realized I simply couldn't do what you do. I don't have that kind of mindset.

I'm happy that you're happy with your relationship. I feel relieved, actually.

If that is what you like, than enjoy it. (#^.^#)

 

[Kim_Burly]

Thank you for sharing your experience. I read your post and it didn't sit well with me. :/ I was trying to be open to your experience so I read it, clicked the reply button, typed a response and then canceled it.

I did that several times.

My aversion to your situation answered questions I've had for myself. I realized I simply couldn't do what you do. I don't have that kind of mindset.

I'm happy that you're happy with your relationship. I feel relieved, actually.

If that is what you like, than enjoy it. (#^.^#)

You know, I've never fit in my whole life and it's no different here. You would think at the age of 40 I would be stronger, but I guess I'm not. I just can't explain things well. Sir loves me for the nerdy misfit that I am. And for you armchair psychologists, he's not taking advantage of me because I'm overly needy. The BDSM community is no different than the rest of the world, so when you don't fit into an accepted paradigm, people look at you funny. Sometimes I think it's the masochist in me that keeps me coming back here, or posting poorly worded or inappropriate stuff. In any case, learning has occurred and I am a little bit wiser than I was this afternoon .

 

[Netzach]

So by "women" we actually mean "sub women in 24/7 with men who have the time and kinklination to police their mouths like a schoolmarm with a bar of soap".

If you SAID submissive women in 24/7 I don't think anyone would really care. Not beyond "well that's not how I play" because it's not for most people, but generally that's for you to figure out with your Authority. As far as I'm concerned, swing from the chandeliers. And he should try the soap thing if you're not allergic or something, it works quite well.

Where it goes off, however, is your manperson thinking it's cool to subject other people to his preferences to that extent, that's really the only part that's anyone's business. But you said "women." Last I checked that's me.

So for the rest of us "women" who are apparently not welcome in the venn diagram of "women" in regard to the question, our visceral and immediate reaction, might be, you know....fuck no, I'd take the gas pipe before I lived like that.

That doesn't mean it's not working for you or can't or whatever. But feeling it applied to me? Not remotely a positive and fuzzy reaction.

 

[Netzach]

If you have to smile and be a lady in public perhaps he should hold himself to a higher standard and stifle his own impulses.

This. You know, as a owner/commander/boss person, if I want a protocol, I'd better model it. I don't think I'd really countenance being with a woman who couldn't keep an f-bomb out of a job interview, but that's not something I want to have to beat into another thinking adult my age.

 

[knot_sweet]

You know, I've never fit in my whole life and it's no different here. You would think at the age of 40 I would be stronger, but I guess I'm not. I just can't explain things well. Sir loves me for the nerdy misfit that I am. And for you armchair psychologists, he's not taking advantage of me because I'm overly needy. The BDSM community is no different than the rest of the world, so when you don't fit into an accepted paradigm, people look at you funny. Sometimes I think it's the masochist in me that keeps me coming back here, or posting poorly worded or inappropriate stuff. In any case, learning has occurred and I am a little bit wiser than I was this afternoon .

Hey, we're all going to be be concerned, but if you bothered to read properly (you've admitted to not reading posts properly before: see the gun play thread were you missed that the op said 'loaded weapon') you would have also seen the "if it works for you, then yay, go for it" theme that went with the concern.

Sheesh, pulling the passive aggressive martyr just because we're not lauding your relationship with roses is kinda juvenile.

We're all happy for you, honest, but yes, for a lot of us this kind of personality / behaviour modification just wouldn't be our thing. A lot of us have spent way too long being not okay with who we are and don't really want other people fucking with our chi now that we are.

Be thankful no-one jumped on you for pulling your kink out in public in front of non consenting vanilla people.

 

[intothewoods]

So by "women" we actually mean "sub women in 24/7 with men who have the time and kinklination to police their mouths like a schoolmarm with a bar of soap".

If you SAID submissive women in 24/7 I don't think anyone would really care. Beyond your manperson thinking it's cool to subject other people to his preferences to that extent.

So for the rest of us "women" who are apparently not welcome in the venn diagram of "women" in regard to the question, our visceral and immediate reaction, might be, you know....fuck no, I'd take the gas pipe before I lived like that.

That doesn't mean it's not working for you or can't or whatever. But feeling it applied to me? Not remotely a positive and fuzzy reaction.

Kim - this is a welcoming group. There are sub women here who are disciplined in their 24/7 relationship. So you're not alone. But as Netz said it's not all women. Not by a long shot. My anecdotal evidence tells me it's not even all sub women. Most people like the fun sexy times punishment but that's where it ends.

And it's the "scared look" in front of folks who aren't in on the arrangement that's an issue. I just called the cops on a dude the other day and my mind went to this forum and the number of times people have talked about doing this kind of shit in public. I am still so upset about what I saw -- the brutality (his) and the fear (hers) -- if I found out it was consensual kink I would be fucking livid. Like Stella -- if I wasted my time worrying about you and then found out you were kinky, I'd be so pissed off. I'm still really shaken by that whole episode and it's because there wasn't much actual violence. Seeing someone else's fear makes it so much worse because you don't know what you're not seeing.

 

[Kim_Burly]

Hey, we're all going to be be concerned, but if you bothered to read properly (you've admitted to not reading posts properly before: see the gun play thread were you missed that the op said 'loaded weapon') you would have also seen the "if it works for you, then yay, go for it" theme that went with the concern.

Sheesh, pulling the passive aggressive martyr just because we're not lauding your relationship with roses is kinda juvenile.

We're all happy for you, honest, but yes, for a lot of us this kind of personality / behaviour modification just wouldn't be our thing. A lot of us have spent way too long being not okay with who we are and don't really want other people fucking with our chi now that we are.

Be thankful no-one jumped on you for pulling your kink out in public in front of non consenting vanilla people.

Oh, I'm so thankful, because otherwise everyone here is so polite and accepting. I guess I haven't spent as long as you and Neztach being not OK with yourselves. Let me punish myself so I don't mess with your chi. If some anonymous stranger can mess up your chi, that you are probably still not OK. Maybe I'm not either, so what?

 

[KoPilot]

Oh, I'm so thankful, because otherwise everyone here is so polite and accepting. I guess I haven't spent as long as you and Neztach being not OK with yourselves. Let me punish myself so I don't mess with your chi. If some anonymous stranger can mess up your chi, that you are probably still not OK. Maybe I'm not either, so what?

Exasperation =/= insecurity.

 

[wicked woman]

Actually, I'm almost always a lady in public...that's just my public persona. Men apologize to me when they swear in front of me. It makes my kinky behaviour more enjoyable.

That said, I expect men that I'm in a relationship with to be gentlemen in public. I would not expect to be chastised in public, even if it's just with his look. If he thinks I acted inappropriately, he would certainly be entitled to discuss my behaviour with me, in private. For me that would not include being punished.

But that's just how I work and what I expect.

 

[CutieMouse]

Kim, I'm going to attempt to say this as kindly as possible...

I have noticed on repeat occasions that your threads weigh heavily towards a somewhat dramatic opening

So last night we were out for dinner with two vanilla couples, I let "bullsh*t" slip during our conversation. He gave me the look and I knew I was in trouble. I immediately apologized to him as Sir, which took the people off-guard and then to everyone at the table. Everyone else laughed as though I were being silly. But they could clearly see that he was not happy and I had a, for the lack of a better term, a scared look about me. We picked up where we left off until we were home alone. Even though I fancy myself as pretty tough, in a very brief time he had reduced me to a sobbing bag of flesh. Begging for mercy. He carried on until he was certain I had learned my lesson. I spent last night, sleeping bound in a cold and uncomfortable place. After I made breakfast, I had to write an essay of how a lady should speak and behave in public. Followed by some more punishment.

That (to me, and several other people) is not the description of phase two of the majority of your posts

Well, I'm sorry if I startled you people. I don't think that the other two (vanilla) couples were going to call the police to have me put into protective custody from my abusive fiancé. I guess if overwhelming is happiness, joy and giddiness are signs of abuse than color me abused. I guess I need to be careful about what I post here and not just my foul language .

Translated as - OMG, y'all are such prudes! I am so so so SHOCKINGLY KINKY, you just can't understand me! Thanks for the concern, but no need... I am the most blissfully blissful submissive on the planet, and I wouldn't expect you to understand anyway, being the narrow minded prudes that you are.

Phase three tends to be martyrdom, sprinkled with a few passive aggressive personal attacks and ending with "look at meeeeeee! I don't have to own my words!"

You know, I've never fit in my whole life and it's no different here. You would think at the age of 40 I would be stronger, but I guess I'm not. I just can't explain things well. Sir loves me for the nerdy misfit that I am. And for you armchair psychologists, he's not taking advantage of me because I'm overly needy. The BDSM community is no different than the rest of the world, so when you don't fit into an accepted paradigm, people look at you funny. Sometimes I think it's the masochist in me that keeps me coming back here, or posting poorly worded or inappropriate stuff. In any case, learning has occurred and I am a little bit wiser than I was this afternoon.

Aaaaaand realizing what a fool we've made of ourselves, we wrap things up with a splash of extra snark and a few more condescending put downs.

Oh, I'm so thankful, because otherwise everyone here is so polite and accepting. I guess I haven't spent as long as you and Neztach being not OK with yourselves. Let me punish myself so I don't mess with your chi. If some anonymous stranger can mess up your chi, that you are probably still not OK. Maybe I'm not either, so what?

Then, just to make sure everyone knows how butthurt you are, you drag this (self inflicted drama) into other threads-

Favorite things about humiliation?

I'm just an outsider here, so DO NOT go by what I say. I would love to discuss what works and what doesn't, humiliation-wise. I LOVE pain, but humiliation is better, to me. It seems to be OK for people to post pictures about whatever their kink might be, but to discuss it is somehow verboten.

All I can suggest is that you post what it is that you like to do, or have done to you and hope people will reply. I would start, but I've already been chastised once today. That's enough for me .

Your aren't an "outsider"; you gave yourself that title. You are, however, unwilling to accept any other reality other than your own. (I can't begin to count the number of times I've read that German's created kink, your relationship is different/ more blah blah blah that anyone's, XYZ [quite common] activity is somehow too shocking to be discussed here, blah blah blah. It makes productive conversations, difficult.

Am I expected to be a lady in public? I'm expected to behave like a responsible adult, and reflect well upon my lover. In the situation you described, that would mean any reaction causing discomfort to our dinner companions would be a hell of a lot bigger issue than accidentally saying "bullsh*t" - that includes over apologizing (making things awkward), or looking scared. It has little or nothing to do with D/s, and everything to do with being a considerate adult.

My current relationship do not require a strict adherence to things like vocabulary, but I have been involved in arrangements in the past that did. I considered listing off all the sorts of things deviating from my very detailed "ladies do/ ladies don't" list (which, by the way, wasn't dropped in private the way it appears yours does), but there's no point in doing so. But yes, I was once in an arrangement that was even stricter re: ladylike behavior than the one you've described. It wasn't shocking. It wasn't outrageously deviant. It wasn't any more or less kinky than any other relationship. It worked for a while and I enjoyed it, but it eventually became too stifling, and I ended things.

 

[Pachet]

If I didn't know you well enough to know your relationship dynamic, I would be calling you the next day to find out if you needed help getting away from an abusive partner. And it would cause me a lot of turmoil knowing that I was going to stick my nose into someone else's business, and I would more likely lose a friendship than anything else.

I would never in a million years demand such stifled, controlled, behavior from anyone, It seems to me that a person would spend more time being utterly stifled and unable to communicate than anything else. I like bondage, but I would never want to tie down someone's mind.

I'm so glad someone respected on the forum said what I was thinking.

 

[dexwebster]

No.

Like some other people have alluded to, I think you're referring to a much smaller group than you realize, because you said Women, but you're looking for answers from submissive women in het relationships adhering to traditional gender roles.

I'm female and a pyl in a 24/7 het relationship, but I'm a lot closer to a gentleman than to anything very, uh, lady-identified. A lot of it's taken a backseat thanks to some medical problems of mine, but when I was able I carried his bags and opened doors and fetched drinks and the like; I always say I'm the knight to his lady. And I'm expected to behave like a polite, audience-appropriate adult, sure, but one has nothing to do with the other, and it wouldn't involve any kind of correction in public (which I don't think is audience approrpriate).

 

[Primalex]

Like Stella -- if I wasted my time worrying about you and then found out you were kinky, I'd be so pissed off.

Other people are not responsible for your mindset though. It's your choice and if you made a bad call, it's your problem and the history of your life why you have this mindset is also your problem.

If you see smoke, it's your choice to call the firefighters or not and you have to live with the choice you make. Being pissed off because it was just the smoker for the BBQ is your problem, too. And if it's a nice sunny Saturday evening and the firefighters crash the party, it's actually quite acceptable for the host to be pissed off.

And I reserve the right to frown whenever and wherever I like. It's called being a human, which has nothing to do with making people part of your kink. People who meet other people will have to deal with people stuff - that's called life. He didn't fuck her in the ass on the dinner table as punishment.

 

[unicorn64]

Just for saying bull sh*t. By having to sleep in a cold place does he not realize you could get pnemonia and die. I have even let the word fly in church when we were talking about certain things going on in the world. I think he overdid it.

 

[MeekMe]

Other people are not responsible for your mindset though. It's your choice and if you made a bad call, it's your problem and the history of your life why you have this mindset is also your problem.

If you see smoke, it's your choice to call the firefighters or not and you have to live with the choice you make. Being pissed off because it was just the smoker for the BBQ is your problem, too. And if it's a nice sunny Saturday evening and the firefighters crash the party, it's actually quite acceptable for the host to be pissed off.

And I reserve the right to frown whenever and wherever I like. It's called being a human, which has nothing to do with making people part of your kink. People who meet other people will have to deal with people stuff - that's called life. He didn't fuck her in the ass on the dinner table as punishment.

This is completely off topic but relates to calling the fire department. I was home alone one evening (an evening that I actually should have been out) and I noticed an odd smokey smell starting to creep in. I looked around in the different rooms and found that my kitchen and bathrooms smelled strongly of smoke.

I got really worried and started to hear a very faint alarm like noise. I immediately grabbed my cell phone and headed out the door, I looked around at the other apartments and noticed that nothing was going on. I headed down stairs and could see the hall was veiled in a tint of smoke. The apartment directly below me seemed to be smoking. I panicked a little and knocked on all 3 doors in the hall. No one else was home.

I called 911 and had the fire department arrive. Because it was an apartment complex they had a huge amount of trucks arrive and block off the road and everything.

I felt so silly standing there when they arrived. I felt worse when they opened the apartment and found a large cooking pot burning. My downstairs neighbor had been cooking and had to leave. She thought she turned the stove off but actually put it on high heat.

It was a long time before the smell of smoke went away. On one hand I was relieved that there wasn't actually a fire. On the other I was embarrassed that a smoking pot made several teams of firefighters arrive and even block off our street. :/ It's sometimes a tough call to make.

 

[CutieMouse]

Just for saying bull sh*t. By having to sleep in a cold place does he not realize you could get pnemonia and die. I have even let the word fly in church when we were talking about certain things going on in the world. I think he overdid it.

"Cold place" could mean anything from sleeping on the floor beside his bed with no blanket, to a 10 minute cold shower before being leashed & led to sleep naked inthe doghouse in the back yard.

The former situation has a very low risk of pneumonia (in an average healthy adult); odds of developing pneumonia go up in the latter.