Marriage/BDSM follow up and suggestions?

[Ng1379]

Hi all, I posted quite some time ago about wanting my husband to dominate me but not sure how to go about it. Ill link the original post below... Well anywho, a whole back we were talking and he was talking about his friend who was talking about BDSM and came right out and asked ME if I'd be interested in him dominating me, and said he wanted to. Holy turn on. FINALLY!

http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=881347

^original thread

Question now is, where do we start? He took it upon hiself to do a little research and sent it to me and it all sounds great, but I'd love more ideas. Some of you said you were in similar situations, how did you begin? We are going from straight vanilla sex life to dabbing in BDSM. I just don't want it to feel awkward. I'm so excited though and can't wait! As I said in my original post he's not always the most dominant man in general so I would love suggestions that'll also make him feel in control and confident so it works for us both and continues to grow.

Thanks all!

 

[Ruby_Atom]

My husband and I started dabbling in BDSM very early in our relationship, but we did initially start more or less vanilla, I suppose. When we decided we wanted to get a bit kinky, we basically just went to an adult shop and bought a flogger together. We were both beginners and we didn't have any kind of planned scene. He just flogged me and then we had sex There wasn't an elaborate scene planned out or anything. We also switched often back then, so there was quite a lot of exploration.

What was very awkward was my very first ever attempt with an ex. I was the initiator and wanted to be dominated, and he was vanilla but willing to provide. We ended up doing a bit of role-playing, but it felt too constructed to me, and as result, awkward. In the end, I think it didn't do anything for either of us. (Our relationship broke up for completely unrelated reasons.)

I don't know if this is good advice, but I would say to learn to walk before you can run. Don't try to replicate some kind of elaborate scenario that you found in a story for your first time. It's pretty much like regular sex. If you have super high expectations for your first time, you are probably going to be disappointed, but if you both have an exploratory attitude towards it, you will probably have a good time.

 

[neecygirl]

My (very limited) experience with BDSM has lead me to give the same advice I would about anything else. Talk to each other. What are you interested in trying out? What is he turned on by? Want your hair pulled? Want to be spanked? Talk about it to each other. Now that the door is opened and you know he's also interested, this should be a bit easier.

I kinda feel like if you can't talk to someone about something, you probably shouldn't be participating in the activity with them, but that's me.

 

[MeekMe]

My husband and I are starting slow as well. Since we are both new we have had lots of talks about what we both want. I send him links of things I think he should know and I've also stressed the need for safety.

We actually do lots of bondage and other things but to tell you the truth vanilla sex is pretty amped up as well. Since we don't always "scene" it's nice to have a balance.

My suggestion is to communicate and make sure you're both prepared for the situations you will be in. Safety! I can't stress enough how important this part is.

My husband is incredibly nice and has actually said he isn't comfortable with "hitting" me. I felt a little discouraged by this and wasn't sure about what I wanted. Later I asked him about it and got the details. Turns out he'd be ok with spanking me but didn't want to do it over his knee. Lol, I felt silly and relieved. We haven't worked up to that, as I'm curious but not sure spanking is right for me.

As everyone has been saying, communicate! ^_^

Where to start? It depends on what you want. The easiest thing for us to do was to start with bondage. You can use ties, scarves, rope if you have any. Well, easier than that was just giving him the control. I encouraged him to do as he pleases. That's just a bit to start.

f^_^; ) it'll most likely be awkward. Mister blind folded me a few times at the beginning so I wouldn't be able to see what he was doing. This enhanced my experience and allowed him to fumble without me seeing.

 

[ecstaticsub]

My advice is to be patient with yourself and your partner. Having a few awkward situations is not a big deal. The first time my husband tried a BDSM roleplay type of scene with me was awkward and I am embarrassed to say I was not very supportive. We gave up trying. I ended up going outside of the marriage for my D/s fix. (well..it wasn't purposely to find a D/s relationship, but it's ended up that way and it is with my husband's knowledge and permission)

Anyway, 8 years later I am enjoying some exciting S&M activities with my husband ( with knowledge and permission from my dominant)

My point is not to encourage you to go outside your marriage it is to say that awkwardness happens but don't make a big deal out of it, laugh and try again.

 

[FurryFury]

I'd say find activities under the BDSM umbrella that you are both interested in. Research it, use good safety and experiment. It won't all go perfectly but it can be fun anyway and exciting to try things.

For me, being tied up wasn't a first activity or indeed not something I found very interesting. Turns out he likes to be tied up though.

So we have sort of taken turns at times doing things that interest each other.

 

[Oubliette123]

Myself and my husband to be started out both not realising each other had a leaning towards BDSM. I guess there must have been a mutual attraction and we were drawn to that part of our personalities, because it wasn't long into the relationship we 'outed' ourselves. These days we pretty much know what goes and what doesn't, but back then we talked a lot about our fantasies, and our limits. I used the 'this is not the safe word but its getting close word' quite often.

We also encouraged each other to write stories to each other by email, each of us writing something that we love or would love to try. Finding out and experimenting is exciting, and we still are doing that many years later. Have fun

 

[jeeper4life]

My advice is to be patient with yourself and your partner. Having a few awkward situations is not a big deal. The first time my husband tried a BDSM roleplay type of scene with me was awkward and I am embarrassed to say I was not very supportive. We gave up trying. I ended up going outside of the marriage for my D/s fix. (well..it wasn't purposely to find a D/s relationship, but it's ended up that way and it is with my husband's knowledge and permission)

Anyway, 8 years later I am enjoying some exciting S&M activities with my husband ( with knowledge and permission from my dominant)

My point is not to encourage you to go outside your marriage it is to say that awkwardness happens but don't make a big deal out of it, laugh and try again.

when you say you have your husbands permission to see a dominate, i believe that is a good, thing, i am wondering however what the dominate is allowed to do to you? is it more of an online BF who tells you to take pictures? or a person you meet in person that tells you where to meet, when to be there, what to weare and is then able to touch you and have intercourse with you? is he able to tell you if you are or are not allowed to engage with sexual actions with your husband?

I want to learn more about being a sub but i also dont want to stray from my husband, so i am looking for online advide.

 

[ecstaticsub]

when you say you have your husbands permission to see a dominate, i believe that is a good, thing, i am wondering however what the dominate is allowed to do to you? is it more of an online BF who tells you to take pictures? or a person you meet in person that tells you where to meet, when to be there, what to weare and is then able to touch you and have intercourse with you? is he able to tell you if you are or are not allowed to engage with sexual actions with your husband?

I want to learn more about being a sub but i also dont want to stray from my husband, so i am looking for online advide.

I am poly. My relationship with my dominant is first and foremost a loving D/s relationship. My husband is not submissive to him. At the beginning before I was collared there was a discussion of limits. Mostly there is an expectation that I will do what my dominant asks and if I can not because of family or spousal concerns then we discuss it. My dominant is very supportive of my marriage and my relationship with my children. He owns me, not them.

There are plenty of dominants out there who are respectful of a submissive's other relationships, on the other hand there are those who get off on the humiliation of the spouse. Some submissives get off on this, too. You just have to find someone who has the same expectations that you do.

 

[KoPilot]

Don't have much to add other than take time discovering what BDSM means to you guys. It could mean domestic service, it could mean whips and chains, it could mean humiliation, it could mean a "traditional" 50's-style marriage. And go from there~

 

[amerskia]

I would say that my husband and I are in a similar situation. I'm the one more interested in BDSM per se, but he is interested in other kinky ideas. What has felt most natural for us so far is describing fantasies during sex. Sometimes that sort of melts into a bit of role-playing - nothing as planned out as a structured scene - but just sort of speaking in a voice which comes from the story we had been sharing. Also, trying a bit of bondage has been fairly easy, as someone else mentioned.

I've been trying to do a bit of reading and research... Most recently I read Sophie Morgan's Diary of a Submissive, and really enjoyed it. I'm guessing a lot of other people here have read it, since I believe it was a bestseller in the UK. It's supposed to be a memoir, a sort of "real life" response to Fifty Shades of Grey. As far as "research" goes, it was a lot of fun to read, since it basically reads as erotica. (It took me awhile to get through it, because I had to keep putting it down to, ahem, pleasure myself.) I'm interested in having my husband read it, and pointing out parts which I found particularly sexy - things I'd like him to do to me.

I wonder if anyone can suggest other reading materials for beginners? Sources which are informative from a real-world perspective are welcome. Sexy reads, particuarly smart, well-written ones, and ones from a woman's point of view, are also welcome.

Does anyone have an opinion on Diary of a Submissive or other representations of BDSM in popular literature? I also recently read Whip Smart by Melissa Febos (a memoir of her career as a professional domme), and have been working on Fifty Shades of Grey (sort of out of a sense of duty to find out what all the fuss is about), though of course I've heard and read lots of mixed reviews of that for all kinds of reasons. I found this article reviewing Fifty Shades quite interesting http://www.blogher.com/troubling-message-fifty-shades-grey?page=full

 

[amerskia]

I would say that my husband and I are in a similar situation - just starting to explore BDSM. I'm the one more interested in BDSM per se, in being dominated, but he is interested in other kinky ideas and interested in getting me off. What has felt most natural for us so far is describing fantasies during sex. Sometimes that sort of melts into a bit of role-playing - nothing as planned out as a structured scene - but just sort of speaking in a voice which comes from the story we had been sharing. Someone mentioned that she and her spouse write erotic stories for one another, which I have also just started trying. One nice consequence of that has bee that I find it easier to talk and describe my fantasies in bed after writing about them. Also, trying a bit of bondage with my husband has been fairly easy, as someone else mentioned.

I've been trying to do a bit of reading and research... Most recently I read Sophie Morgan's Diary of a Submissive, and really enjoyed it. I'm guessing a lot of other people here have read it, since I believe it was a bestseller in the UK. It's supposed to be a memoir, a sort of "real life" response to Fifty Shades of Grey. As far as "research" goes, it was a lot of fun to read, since it basically reads as erotica. (It took me awhile to get through it, because I had to keep putting it down to, ahem, pleasure myself.) I'm interested in having my husband read it, and pointing out parts which I found particularly sexy - things I'd like him to do to me.

I wonder if anyone can suggest other reading materials for beginners? Sources which are informative from a real-world perspective are welcome. Sexy reads, particuarly smart, well-written ones, and ones from a woman's point of view, are also welcome.

Does anyone have an opinion on Diary of a Submissive or other representations of BDSM in popular literature? I also recently read Whip Smart by Melissa Febos (a memoir of her career as a professional domme), and have been working on Fifty Shades of Grey (sort of out of a sense of duty to find out what all the fuss is about), though of course I've heard and read lots of mixed reviews of that for all kinds of reasons. I found this article reviewing Fifty Shades quite interesting http://www.blogher.com/troubling-message-fifty-shades-grey?page=full

 

[FurryFury]

I run two BDSM BOTM groups. One here in the cafe and one at Fetlife in The Kinky Intellectual's Book Club (I did not name the group).

My fav non fiction book about BDSM is: Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism
by Philip Miller.

My fav fiction by bar is: Kushiel's Dart by Jacqueline Carey. It's not a stroke book at all. It's an epic fantasy book with a little bit of BDSM but it's just wonderful. The gods actually will her to be the way she is and to "love as thou wilt" which is great. So many times we hear how "wrong" we are and how we are sick and need therapy. This book was just a great read and had some lovely truths in it for me.

I don't like most BDSM Novels because they are so thin and often focus on murder, "breaking" the submissive and other things that, IMO, have nothing to do with how BDSM works.