Need suggestions and advice: how do you manage a balance between BDSM and normal life

[Writerandartiste]

The key issue is lack of time. I'm going steady with a sub (slave female) for some time and we both are quite compatible to each other and want to take the Master-slave relationship to the next level, I casually asked her to quit her full time job which she readily consented to as she has no aspirations to work or have a career. So, the new arrangement is that I will be the one doing the earning part and work for it, while the sub plays the role of home-maker.

Theoretically, I find it unnecessary as I believe there has to be some formula to balance your work, hobbies and personal lives. Everyone should have hobbies and genuine interests. But, anyone who's worked in a stressful corporate environment knows that it's practically impossible to fulfill your job responsibilities alongside a Gorean lifestyle which requires constant dedication. While Monday -> Friday seems like a non-negotiable time period, working on Saturdays is also quite common.

Of course, all that could be achieved if both partners knew the definition of balance and where to draw the line. I discussed with my sub that she does not have to quit her job and we can both aspire to remain satisfied simply by spending time together on week-ends or whenever there is a day off. She says "Hell No" to it and is adamant to slip into a 24x7 Gorean slave lifestyle and does not want any other arrangement.

Now 24x7 sounds good and arousing for males but it's far too difficult to achieve practically. If I agree to her demands, I'll have to pay her a lot more attention than I do presently. That will affect my own dedication to work, spending time with friends and hobbies like swimming, socializing with people. My sub doesn't want to have any of these interests, she has cut herself off from her friends and family to be with me and I cannot in my right mind ask her to leave. It seems she simply prefers the constant state of arousal she receives in following my orders. But it's more than that, she is really serving with passion and I admire that quality and her sincerity approach.

We had a marathon BDSM session on Saturday and Sunday and it's affected her so deeply that she didn't go to work on Monday and today. She has been repeatedly texting me to come early. There's no good reasoning with her as she constantly needs attention.

My work really suffered this week because of these heightened passions. Luckily, the slackness went unobserved as the boss has been flying out of the country. A few more weeks like this and the decline in productivity will be all the more obvious.

Need tips on how to set the rules clearly so that there is no interference or disturbance in work.

My sub also wants me to quit my job and work from home as I did freelancing in the past and still have some good clients who will give me regular work. I'm sure that plan would be a disaster because I don't want to feed her attention needs.

However, I have to admit I do get a lot of pleasure out of this 24x7 arrangement. It feels divine, it would have been great if either one of us inherited a lot of wealth. But, at the end of day, we really have to work for a living.

 

[innocencebegone]

oh my

that may be why she is clingy. she may have fallen for you on a deeper level and wants that same magic all the time. however it could prove to be the downfall of your relationship having her there all the time having to always top what you di the last time. I recently lost my offline master due to a horrible incident but we are in counseling as we are also married. hope springs eternal! PM me and ewe can cha if you like

 

[seela]

I'm not very familiar with this gorean deal, other than it's based on some books and has poses and different colored silks. But I'm pretty sure standard 24/7 practices apply.

The first and foremost rule to 24/7 D/s stuff is that bills have to be paid, mundane things taken care of. No matter how deep in D/s land you want to dive, certain realities don't really change. Unless you're a Nigerian prince, you have to work and earn money. Oh wait, even the Nigerian prince needs to send tons of emails every day to get a hold of his wealth.

Just because you are the PYL (Pick Your Label = Dom(me), Top, Master, Mistress etc.) and are in a position where you have the possibility to make all decisions, it doesn't mean that you always have to be the one to make them. It's an option which you can use if you wish, not an obligation. Think of yourself as a boss: they make the guidelines that others follow but they don't get hands-on all the time and decide every little detail.

Talk with your pyl (pick your label = sub, bottom, slave, little). You are just as much allowed to have limits as her, and limits don't only apply to sexy fun times. It's not very realistic to expect you to make every decision for her.

Make her meet people, have friends, find things she cares about so that she has other things in life besides you as well. Relationships end, one way or another. She should have friends and family to fall back on, she should have basic lifeskills and she should know how to make herself happy without you. If she has absolutely nothing in life besides you, no wonder she gets really clingy.

Last, and I cannot stress this enough, everyone is responsible for their own happiness. No matter how much a D/s, M/s 24/7 relationship it is, nobody can outsource their happiness. You don't have to jump through hoops to make sure she's happy if she's not willing to do anything for herself.

Besides, if you get fired because your work performance suffers from what's going on with your sub, you two can't do this 24/7 thing at all, in any capacity. She needs to compromise, too.

 

[desertslave]

"if I agree to her demands"

Okay, if you do, then who is actually dominating the relationship?

It sounds like you have much more reasonable and realistic concepts to work with. While I'm not dedicated to smashing the 'glass ceiling' in the workplace, I feel the need to question why she has no work aspirations. (Disclaimer, I've been a SAHM for most of the last 14 years, but I work at some income-producing hobbies.) Is it because she feels more fulfilled in the home-maker role or is she hiding out from the world and its responsibilities (or something in between)?

And, realistically, can you provide the income needed to provide for both of you? (none of my biz, just something to consider) Regardless of the dynamics of a relationship, money pressures can be lethal to it.

Can the sex and service compensate for the neediness and manipulation?

Good luck to you

 

[Writerandartiste]

that may be why she is clingy. she may have fallen for you on a deeper level and wants that same magic all the time.

No shit, it's fun constantly experimenting with new ideas but there isn't a lot of leisure time to support this "magic".

PM me and ewe can cha if you like

Sure, we can network. I could count on all the advice I can have from people who have adopted Gorean lifestyle on a regular basis. Thanks.

Just because you are the PYL (Pick Your Label = Dom(me), Top, Master, Mistress etc.) and are in a position where you have the possibility to make all decisions, it doesn't mean that you always have to be the one to make them. It's an option which you can use if you wish, not an obligation.

Indeed, but I'm dealing in an arrangement where I, as Dom, have accepted responsibility for all her decisions. We really meant it literally. There are plenty of marriages where the husband earns and the wife is content being the home-maker. No reason why it shouldn't work.

Make her meet people, have friends, find things she cares about so that she has other things in life besides you as well.

I'm trying hard with no success. She's incredibly shy and doesn't like meeting too many people. She's not comfortable in parties and gatherings. Last time we went to a coworker's birthday party and couldn't even wait till dessert. She was clinging close to me all the while, maybe smiled a bit at people but didn't deign to even talk to them including the ladies. Our "party" was over in 30 minutes!! Some of the guests were clearly offended at her lack of social graces.

I don't want her to be like this but what can I do when she doesn't want to mix with people. I would sincerely like her to open up a bit and lighten up on things, have a sense of humor. It's just not in her nature.

The only hobbies she has in life would be watching Television reality shows and playing with her pet cat. We don't even go to the movies together as she doesn't feel comfortable with so many people around and have to rent everytime.

And I'm in no way responsible for such an obnoxious behavior. She has been like this all along.

"if I agree to her demands"

Okay, if you do, then who is actually dominating the relationship?

You have a valid point there! Well I do wear the pants in this relationship but she does make me bend to her will in some aspects.

 

[wicked woman]

All I hear is topping from the bottom and incompatibility. Oh and a woman with issues that seem to prevent her from dealing with life, who doesn't seem to be getting any help.

 

[MeekMe]

I'm trying hard with no success. She's incredibly shy and doesn't like meeting too many people. She's not comfortable in parties and gatherings. Last time we went to a coworker's birthday party and couldn't even wait till dessert. She was clinging close to me all the while, maybe smiled a bit at people but didn't deign to even talk to them including the ladies. Our "party" was over in 30 minutes!! Some of the guests were clearly offended at her lack of social graces.

I don't want her to be like this but what can I do when she doesn't want to mix with people. I would sincerely like her to open up a bit and lighten up on things, have a sense of humor. It's just not in her nature.

The only hobbies she has in life would be watching Television reality shows and playing with her pet cat. We don't even go to the movies together as she doesn't feel comfortable with so many people around and have to rent everytime.

And I'm in no way responsible for such an obnoxious behavior. She has been like this all along.




You have a valid point there! Well I do wear the pants in this relationship but she does make me bend to her will in some aspects.

Sounds like she has low self esteem and social anxiety. When I met Mister (10 years ago) I was much the same. Our relationship has only just become D/s oriented.

Anyways, she needs encouragement in social situations. After such situations it might be good to point out things she did that were good, like "when you helped Mrs. So-n-so with her drink, I think she really appreciated that." That's a sad example but I'm not great at this.

I'm not in your relationship so I don't know really what's going on. I can only say from my own experience that in order for me to over come my awkward shyness and low self esteem issues, I had to make changes myself. I wanted to make Mister proud that he could show me off in a social situation so I worked hard to be presentable and even good at conversation. This all happened without the D/s aspect so I presume you could use that to your advantage. If she's wants to be a house wife" she needs to be one you can be proud to have by your side.

 

[KoPilot]

I'd send her to a therapist. The girl has a cornucopia of issues she has every interest in you dealing with for her. Relationships, 24/7 M/s or not, aren't really supposed to be nonstop bliss for one party and resentment-fueling frustration for the other. Unless you're into that sort of thing.

 

[seela]

Indeed, but I'm dealing in an arrangement where I, as Dom, have accepted responsibility for all her decisions. We really meant it literally. There are plenty of marriages where the husband earns and the wife is content being the home-maker. No reason why it shouldn't work.

If you're comfortable making all the decisions for you two, then there isn't much of a problem. You as the dominant make the rules and she abides by them.

I know husband earning and wife being content being the home-maker works. It has worked for limited periods of time for us, too, and that's why I gave the advice to find her something to do. It was very, very easy to get all wrapped around the PYL when there was very little else going on in my life. I moved to be with my PYL and we lived in a town where I knew next to no one, and didn't make too many friends during that 1+ year either, because I'm also a bit reserved and intoverted.

However, you said she had friends before and that she cut contact with them and her family to be with you. Maybe she could reestablish contact with them, even online if in person is not possible because of location or something. Or she could find a hobby, find something she loves doing. Cooking, baking, reading, exercising, painting, writing, anything. As long as she has something else going on in her life besides waiting for you to come home, I'm pretty sure it'll improve things for both of you.

I have a standing order in my relationship to do every day something that makes me proud of myself and him proud of me. It's pushed me beyond my own comfort zone at times and made me see myself in a bit different light. Maybe this could be a good idea for you two as well, seeing as she clearly has trouble making herself be active during the day when you work and appreciate herself.

But the outcome is that when you submit, it means you don't always get what you want. Whining until you get it is not what I imagine when I speak of submission. She needs to learn how to deal with not getting attention all the time.

All I hear is topping from the bottom and incompatibility. Oh and a woman with issues that seem to prevent her from dealing with life, who doesn't seem to be getting any help.

Yes. Yes, unfortunately that's what I see too. Huge red flags for me.

 

[Writerandartiste]

However, you said she had friends before and that she cut contact with them and her family to be with you. Maybe she could reestablish contact with them, even online if in person is not possible because of location or something. Or she could find a hobby, find something she loves doing. Cooking, baking, reading, exercising, painting, writing, anything. As long as she has something else going on in her life besides waiting for you to come home, I'm pretty sure it'll improve things for both of you.

I have a standing order in my relationship to do every day something that makes me proud of myself and him proud of me. It's pushed me beyond my own comfort zone at times and made me see myself in a bit different light. Maybe this could be a good idea for you two as well, seeing as she clearly has trouble making herself be active during the day when you work and appreciate herself.

Hey those are good points, that was the whole purpose of this thread. She doesn't get along with her mother and cousins although I encourage her to build bridges with her mother. It's not working so far. She doesn't even want to talk about them.

Please continue. How do I encourage her to develop a hobby. She doesn't seem to enjoy reading or books and is too lazy to cook, bake or something similar. No aversion to eating or drinking though. But I don't like it when she opens the bottle as booze turns her into an uncontrollable freak.

 

[MeekMe]

Hey those are good points, that was the whole purpose of this thread. She doesn't get along with her mother and cousins although I encourage her to build bridges with her mother. It's not working so far. She doesn't even want to talk about them.

Please continue. How do I encourage her to develop a hobby. She doesn't seem to enjoy reading or books and is too lazy to cook, bake or something similar. No aversion to eating or drinking though. But I don't like it when she opens the bottle as booze turns her into an uncontrollable freak.

I think you two need to talk more. What do you want out of this arrangement?

How well do you know her? She must have some interest other than being your PYL... On the other hand, if she wants you to make all her decisions for her than decide on what she should do. Tell her she has to take a cooking class or join a crafting group, whatever you see fit. I agree with the others in that she needs help outside of the relationship. Hm...

If being Yours is her desire, I assume making you happy would be her goal. If you want her to focus on something other than you, tell her.

 

[CutieMouse]

wow.

Let's break this down, shall we?

is adamant to slip into a 24x7 Gorean slave lifestyle and does not want any other arrangement.

Awesome. Do YOU want a [strict] 24/7 Gorean lifestyle, knowing how it will impact your work, social life, etc? We obviously know where HER priorities are... are they compatible with yours?

That will affect my own dedication to work, spending time with friends and hobbies like swimming, socializing with people

All part of being a balanced, healthy, productive, functioning adult. If you are the master in the relationship, why would you give up any of the things you enjoy (or need), just because your slave wants you to?

Why, as master, aren't you saying "Sweetie... I know this is hard for you, but as my slave, I expect you to become a functioning adult re: social situations, time management, hobbies, etc. Consider it a non-negotiable command."

Then break it down. Does she need therapy? What hobbies do YOU want her to have? What skills can she acquire that would benefit YOU? She's uncomfortable? Tough.Shit. Slavery is about being USEFUL - sexually, and not.

It seems she simply prefers the constant state of arousal she receives in following my orders. But it's more than that, she is really serving with passion and I admire that quality and her sincerity approach.

Which tells me that she read some kinky novels, and got the idea in her head that Gorean slave = princess who gets laid a lot, and otherwise has the freedom to never grow up, take on responsibilities, contribute to the relationship, society, etc.

She gives good head (amongst other things, I'm sure) with "great passion and sincerity". Awesome. We cannot survive on sex, alone.

There's no good reasoning with her as she constantly needs attention.

Mmmm... sounds like she has you well trained.

[qoute]My work really suffered this week [/quote]

And again - is sex worth losing your job?

I'm dealing in an arrangement where I, as Dom, have accepted responsibility for all her decisions.

Then MAKE THEM.

She gets X hours of reality TV a day. Period. She must take classes on etiquette, and suck it up/ represent you well in public (especially work functions, for god's sake). She has to have X number of hobbies. Do volunteer work. Learn to cook. Learn domestic skills. Etc.

Last time we went to a coworker's birthday party and couldn't even wait till dessert. She was clinging close to me all the while, maybe smiled a bit at people but didn't deign to even talk to them including the ladies. Our "party" was over in 30 minutes!! Some of the guests were clearly offended at her lack of social graces.

Not acceptable. Period. Attitude like that can (and will) damage your career. Explain that as her master, you will not allow her to ruin your evening, and work out a plan to develop the social graces you want her to have.

I don't want her to be like this but what can I do when she doesn't want to mix with people.

You can tell her that as your slave, she represents you, and she better damn well mix with people when you tell her to.

The only hobbies she has in life would be watching Television reality shows and playing with her pet cat. We don't even go to the movies together as she doesn't feel comfortable with so many people around and have to rent every time.

Wow.

And I'm in no way responsible for such an obnoxious behavior. She has been like this all along.

If these are behaviors you don't like, why did you choose her for a partner?

Well I do wear the pants in this relationship but she does make me bend to her will in some aspects.

I'd say you bend to her will a hell of a lot.

You carry all the relationship weight. She gets to sit around watching TV and playing with her cat. Anytime something "real" (ie: adult life) comes up, she has a ready excuse - she's shy. Socially awkward. NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDS you, her master. She's so overwhelmed with the kinky, that she can't be bothered with hobbies, or friends, or cooking, or business-social functions. Hell, she's so overwhelmed by the kinky she doesn't even want you to go to work.

Please continue. How do I encourage her to develop a hobby. She doesn't seem to enjoy reading or books and is too lazy to cook, bake or something similar. No aversion to eating or drinking though. But I don't like it when she opens the bottle as booze turns her into an uncontrollable freak.

You don't "encourage", you instruct. As in - "pick an interest from this list, and develop it."

If you don't want a lazy slave, don't allow her to be lazy.

 

[KoPilot]

Please continue. How do I encourage her to develop a hobby. She doesn't seem to enjoy reading or books and is too lazy to cook, bake or something similar. No aversion to eating or drinking though. But I don't like it when she opens the bottle as booze turns her into an uncontrollable freak.

This is sounding more and more dysfunctional with every post you make, to be quite honest. The impression I'm starting to get is that she doesn't want to be a slave, she wants to be royalty off in la-la land, with you at her beck and call.

Not once have you made any hint at what you want out of this relationship as the master. This is M/s. You're supposed to be the boss, you're supposed to have a pretty good idea of what you want, and she's supposed to be trying her hardest to do that for you.

It doesn't sound like she wants to do anything for you.

What do you two even have in common if she has no interests? What about her do you find worth going through all this for, other than wanting to be a steward of her personal well-being? You are the one being used and abused, here. This entire thing is currently on her terms. Which is fine, again, if that's what you're into.

It sounds like you guys need to sit down and have a very long, thorough conversation about what the both of you expect to get out of this relationship, otherwise she's going to continue taking advantage of your energy and your money without having to do jack shit in return.

 

[Writerandartiste]

wow.

Let's break this down, shall we?

Awesome. Do YOU want a [strict] 24/7 Gorean lifestyle, knowing how it will impact your work, social life, etc? We obviously know where HER priorities are... are they compatible with yours?

Which tells me that she read some kinky novels, and got the idea in her head that Gorean slave = princess who gets laid a lot, and otherwise has the freedom to never grow up, take on responsibilities, contribute to the relationship, society, etc.

Not acceptable. Period. Attitude like that can (and will) damage your career. Explain that as her master, you will not allow her to ruin your evening, and work out a plan to develop the social graces you want her to have.

If these are behaviors you don't like, why did you choose her for a partner?

I'd say you bend to her will a hell of a lot.

You carry all the relationship weight. She gets to sit around watching TV and playing with her cat. Anytime something "real" (ie: adult life) comes up, she has a ready excuse - she's shy. Socially awkward. NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDS you, her master. She's so overwhelmed with the kinky, that she can't be bothered with hobbies, or friends, or cooking, or business-social functions. Hell, she's so overwhelmed by the kinky she doesn't even want you to go to work.

Spot on, and I know I may be coming across as a doormat instead of a Dom. But, fact remains she has cut herself off from all her family and friends (not that she had many), relocated to where I am and the rest is history.

But I cannot in my right mind ask her to go away. For example, assuming we were married, on what grounds would the judge grant a divorce? Infidelity? No. Domestic violence? No. Being socially awkward and having attachment issues is not yet a crime.

Moreover, I had been single for over four years and I don't want to return to that stage again. This relationship may appear dysfunctional but at least, I have someone to look forward to at the end of the day.

However I appreciate your sincere advice, I've not been strict enough and need to lay down a few golden rules at the outset. It requires a lot of homework and burns my energy but I won't be able to justify myself later if I throw her out.

 

[KoPilot]

Your reasons for staying with her sound really, really flimsy, and not at all like something that is going to survive for the years, let alone decades, ahead.

You basically adopted 50 dogs is what you did. Not cause you really love dogs, but because you were lonely and one dog just wouldn't quite cut it.

Good luck... you're gonna need it.

 

[CutieMouse]

Spot on, and I know I may be coming across as a doormat instead of a Dom. But, fact remains she has cut herself off from all her family and friends (not that she had many), relocated to where I am and the rest is history.

But I cannot in my right mind ask her to go away. For example, assuming we were married, on what grounds would the judge grant a divorce? Infidelity? No. Domestic violence? No. Being socially awkward and having attachment issues is not yet a crime.

Moreover, I had been single for over four years and I don't want to return to that stage again. This relationship may appear dysfunctional but at least, I have someone to look forward to at the end of the day.

However I appreciate your sincere advice, I've not been strict enough and need to lay down a few golden rules at the outset. It requires a lot of homework and burns my energy but I won't be able to justify myself later if I throw her out.

If it's working for you, then it's working for you. However, there are a hell of a lot of red flags in your posts that imply (on some level) this is really really really NOT working for you.

I'd suggest you do some serious soul searching and figure out what YOU want the relationship to look like. What do YOU need, for things to feel balanced and functional? I don't give a rat's ass if she's "shy" or "lazy" or "socially awkward". She relocated under the guise of being your submissive [now slave]. She needs to put on her big girl panties and be one.

And guess what? If that means you say "I expect you do develop XYZ life skills, social activities, creative pursuits, helpful abilities, etc - *IN SERVICE TO ME*" She gets to do it, or leave of her own free will. Because (forgive the bluntness), you're thinking "ZOMG I can't *ABANDON*her!!!", when in reality, there's an equal possibility that once she realizes life isn't all bonbons and hawt kinky sexiness... she very well may bounce of her own accord. [And move onto the next guy willing to tolerate her selfish, immature attitude.]

Slavery (hell, submission) isn't a kinky sci-fi novel. It's compatibility, and based upon said compatibility, putting someone else first. My personal opinion is that you were sold a bill of goods [happens pretty easily when one gets lonely], and now you're dealing with the consequences. I know it feels like an overwhelming amount of energy to expel up front, but you're either going to spend the time now [and nip things in the bud], or spend it later [over. and over. and over again].

 

[RJMasters]

Spew Alert

~CM Wrote:
"She's uncomfortable? Tough.Shit. Slavery is about being USEFUL - sexually, and not."

A liquid out the nostril moment.

 

[MeekMe]

I love you CutieMouse ☆*:.｡. o(≧▽≦)o .｡.:*☆
You said exactly what I thought. I should work on being more straight forward.