Newbie

[passionatesub]

Hi everyone, I'm very, very new to the bdsm lifestyle, although I've had feelings before I even knew what sex was (playing games with my friends where we would tie each other up, fantasizing about being held down or kidnapped etc) MY foray into actually exploring this side of my sexuality has been very bumpy. I knew several years ago what I wanted, but was always in very "vanilla" relationships, I guess I didn't realize there was a whole community out there for it, and that it takes a different type of person to be into what I am. Needless to say my vanilla relationships didn't work out for many reasons, but part of it was I couldn't "make" them want to hurt me, it just wasn't going to happen, which is fine. I've recently gotten into my first relationship that even closely resembles a D/s relationship, I won't go into a lot of details here, because of the nature of our relationship, no one can know about it, he is also my boss irl, which makes things extremely complicated and difficult. Because my only friends are through work or church, I don't have anyone who I can talk to to help me process all these new experiences. After our last two sessions I have been experiencing a lot of what I've learned is called "sub-drop" and my Dom is not very concerned with aftercare so I'm usually left alone at home or at work (with him, but not with him because he distances himself physically and emotionally while we are working) trying to work through all these conflicting feelings I'm having. So I guess my main purpose for posting here is hoping to make some other friends in the lifestyle and have an outlet for all of this. So hi! Thanks for listening

 

[elocin13]

Hi. So is he a play partner or a partner partner? As in, is this a committed relationship or is he playing with you for fun? I'm thinking that makes a huge difference in the after care experience.

 

[Loverskitten]

Sounds like he's emotionally unavailable, something you'll find in kink related relationships as well as vanilla. Don't expect that to change either. You are in a precarious situation already with him being your boss.
I'd look elsewhere for someone to give you what you need.

 

[TwoShades]

Sounds like he's emotionally unavailable, something you'll find in kink related relationships as well as vanilla. Don't expect that to change either. You are in a precarious situation already with him being your boss.
I'd look elsewhere for someone to give you what you need.

I agree.

 

[KlaytonFrost]

He may be emotionally unavailable or he may not be - but strangers on an internet forum with only one brief paragraph to go on are not going to be able to tell you that for sure. It's something to be aware of, but make your own decisions about.

Importantly - have you communicated your need for aftercare to him? Does he know that you want more attention after playing? Please don't expect him to guess, or think that he should "just know".

 

[Allyourbase]

Importantly - have you communicated your need for aftercare to him? Does he know that you want more attention after playing? Please don't expect him to guess, or think that he should "just know".

This.

I'd say that he needs to know you're experiencing sub-drop.

And let me go out on a limb here and express a personal opinion: I think aftercare is an essential part of D/s or any kind of kinky play. He might or might not know how to deal with that adequately, in general or for your situation specifically. It can be a process to learn these things. But if your D is not interested in that part of play, while it is something you encounter in a serious manner, then you two might not be a good match. He might just not be a good match with a lot of people, probably. But, like I said, personal opinion.

 

[passionatesub]

Thank you everyone for the responses, sorry it has taken me so long to get back.

To answer a few questions, we are in something of a middle ground, we are not in a committed relationship, but have been friends both at work and outside of work for a long time before entering into a sexual relationship, so there is more of a connection than just for play. He is less than emotionally available, especially at work, and I was aware of that before entering into the relationship, that's not so much the issue. He has a lot going on in his life that contributes to that, and at work especially he becomes withdrawn because he doesn't want it to seem like we are too friendly. But I did have a conversation with him the other day and told him what was going on, I had mentioned things before but I really spelled it out for him this time. We agreed that playing before work wasn't a good idea anymore because there is no feasible way for us to do any type of aftercare, and there's no way I can even do some self-aftercare. Our job is both mentally and physically very taxing so it's not a good time to be in a bad place emotionally (or trying to recover physically from a session).

Thank you again for taking time to read and respond, I look forward to getting to know all of you and maybe making some more friends in this community!