talikat
Music is my refuge
- Joined
- Oct 14, 2005
- Posts
- 41,098
Laughter is Contagious
- Thread starter techsan
- Start date
- Status
ga400us
Póg mo thóin
- Joined
- Oct 30, 2004
- Posts
- 4,034
Woman stops gator attack with a small Beretta pistol.
This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator. What is the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself?
While out walking along the edge of a bayou just below Houma, Louisiana with my soon to be ex-husband discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator suddenly emerging from the murky water and charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire .25 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today!
One shot to my estranged husband's kneecap was all it took. The gator got him easily and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. It's one of the best pistols in my collection! Plus, the amount I saved in lawyer's fees was more than worth the purchase price of the gun.
This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator. What is the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself?
While out walking along the edge of a bayou just below Houma, Louisiana with my soon to be ex-husband discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator suddenly emerging from the murky water and charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire .25 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today!
One shot to my estranged husband's kneecap was all it took. The gator got him easily and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. It's one of the best pistols in my collection! Plus, the amount I saved in lawyer's fees was more than worth the purchase price of the gun.
ga400us
Póg mo thóin
- Joined
- Oct 30, 2004
- Posts
- 4,034
OWLS (Older Wiser Laughing Souls)
Wisdom from Grandpa...
Whether a man winds up with a nest egg, or a goose egg, depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.
Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin' his salt he forgets his sugar.
Too many couples marry for better, or for worse, but not for good.
When a man marries a woman, they become one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she'll never turn into an old nag.
On anniversaries, the wise husband always forgets the past - but never the present.
A foolish husband says to his wife, "Honey, you stick to the washin', ironin', cookin' and scrubbin'. No wife of mine's gonna ‘work’."
Many girls like to marry a military man - he can cook, sew, and make beds, is in good health, and already used to taking orders.
Eventually you reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?
You know you are getting old, when everything either dries up or leaks.
Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.
Have a GREAT day and keep laughing! It's good for the soul.
Wisdom from Grandpa...
Whether a man winds up with a nest egg, or a goose egg, depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.
Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin' his salt he forgets his sugar.
Too many couples marry for better, or for worse, but not for good.
When a man marries a woman, they become one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she'll never turn into an old nag.
On anniversaries, the wise husband always forgets the past - but never the present.
A foolish husband says to his wife, "Honey, you stick to the washin', ironin', cookin' and scrubbin'. No wife of mine's gonna ‘work’."
Many girls like to marry a military man - he can cook, sew, and make beds, is in good health, and already used to taking orders.
Eventually you reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?
You know you are getting old, when everything either dries up or leaks.
Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.
Have a GREAT day and keep laughing! It's good for the soul.
ga400us
Póg mo thóin
- Joined
- Oct 30, 2004
- Posts
- 4,034
A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful.
She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.
When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"
The blonde said, "No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."
The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"
The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits. I can splash it on my eyes."
She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.
When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"
The blonde said, "No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."
The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"
The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits. I can splash it on my eyes."
ga400us
Póg mo thóin
- Joined
- Oct 30, 2004
- Posts
- 4,034
I'll have a single malt!
smoothdevil
devilishnice
- Joined
- Oct 21, 2004
- Posts
- 14,521
Be neutral, now, there are always two sides ....
Male Vs. Female Logic
Woman:
Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes
Woman:
How many beers a day?
Man:
Usually about 3
Woman:
How much do you pay per beer?
Man: $5.00 which includes a tip
(This is where it gets scary !)
Woman:
And how long have you been drinking?
Man:
About 20 years, I suppose
Woman:
So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending
each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 …correct?
Man:
Correct
Woman:
If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past
20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?
Man:
Correct
Woman:
Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have
been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting
for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a
Ferrari?
Man:
Do you drink beer?
Woman:
No
Man:
Where’s your Ferrari?
Male Vs. Female Logic
Woman:
Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes
Woman:
How many beers a day?
Man:
Usually about 3
Woman:
How much do you pay per beer?
Man: $5.00 which includes a tip
(This is where it gets scary !)
Woman:
And how long have you been drinking?
Man:
About 20 years, I suppose
Woman:
So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending
each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 …correct?
Man:
Correct
Woman:
If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past
20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?
Man:
Correct
Woman:
Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have
been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting
for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a
Ferrari?
Man:
Do you drink beer?
Woman:
No
Man:
Where’s your Ferrari?
kayte
This Was My Favorite Toy
- Joined
- Jan 7, 2002
- Posts
- 135,693
ARE YOU A PILOT? I THOUGHT I WAS ...
You think you have lived to be 80 plus and know who you are, then along comes someone and blows it all to hell!
An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked,
Are you a real pilot?
He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?
She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked:
"Are you a real pilot?"
He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'
You think you have lived to be 80 plus and know who you are, then along comes someone and blows it all to hell!
An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked,
Are you a real pilot?
He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?
She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked:
"Are you a real pilot?"
He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'
smotherman
Ass-phyxiation
- Joined
- May 7, 2005
- Posts
- 37,182
"Cowboy and his horse"
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals had a habit of picking on strangers. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar and with a quick move of his hands, he flipped his guns into the air, caught them above his head without even looking and fired at the ceiling. Which one of you sidewinders stole my hoss!?" he yelled. No one answered.
"Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finnish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back! As he swung up into the saddle and started to ride out of town, the bartender ran out of the saloon and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I walked home."
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals had a habit of picking on strangers. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar and with a quick move of his hands, he flipped his guns into the air, caught them above his head without even looking and fired at the ceiling. Which one of you sidewinders stole my hoss!?" he yelled. No one answered.
"Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finnish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back! As he swung up into the saddle and started to ride out of town, the bartender ran out of the saloon and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I walked home."
ga400us
Póg mo thóin
- Joined
- Oct 30, 2004
- Posts
- 4,034
Chuckle
ga400us
Póg mo thóin
- Joined
- Oct 30, 2004
- Posts
- 4,034
ga400us
Póg mo thóin
- Joined
- Oct 30, 2004
- Posts
- 4,034
ga400us
Póg mo thóin
- Joined
- Oct 30, 2004
- Posts
- 4,034
DIVORCE vs. MURDER
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I'd like to buy some cyanide.
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband.
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law. I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide. Just get a divorce!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I'd like to buy some cyanide.
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband.
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law. I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide. Just get a divorce!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
ga400us
Póg mo thóin
- Joined
- Oct 30, 2004
- Posts
- 4,034
Those Fabulous Jewish Comedians
Here are a few examples:
I just got back from a pleasure trip.
I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years!
If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!
What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love?
"Honey, I'm home!"
Someone stole all my credit cards but I won't be reporting it.
The thief spends less than my wife did.
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night;
only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.
She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.
She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
The Doctor gave a man six months to live.
The man couldn't pay his bill so the doctor gave him another six months.
The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back. "
Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"
Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I am 60!"
Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"
Patient:"I have a ringing in my ears."
Doctor: "Don't answer!"
A drunk was in front of a judge.
The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking."
The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."
Why do Jewish divorces cost so much?
They're worth it.
The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much.
The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.
There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins.
In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.
Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
A :Alcohol interferes with their suffering.
Q:Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence!
A man called his mother in Florida ,
"Mom, how are you?"
"Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak."
The son said, "Why are you so weak?"
She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
The son said, "That's terrible.Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"
The mother answered,
"Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."
A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play.
She asks, "What part is it?"
The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband."
"The mother scowls and says,
"Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."
Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: (Sigh)"Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark.
I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody."
Short summary of every Jewish holiday:
They tried to kill us. We won. Let's eat.
Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said,
"Lady, I haven't eaten in three days."
"Force yourself," she replied.
Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler will let go.
Q: Why are Jewish men circumcised?
A: Because Jewish women don't like anything that isn't 20% off.
Here are a few examples:
I just got back from a pleasure trip.
I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years!
If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!
What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love?
"Honey, I'm home!"
Someone stole all my credit cards but I won't be reporting it.
The thief spends less than my wife did.
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night;
only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.
She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.
She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
The Doctor gave a man six months to live.
The man couldn't pay his bill so the doctor gave him another six months.
The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back. "
Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"
Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I am 60!"
Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"
Patient:"I have a ringing in my ears."
Doctor: "Don't answer!"
A drunk was in front of a judge.
The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking."
The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."
Why do Jewish divorces cost so much?
They're worth it.
The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much.
The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.
There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins.
In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.
Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
A :Alcohol interferes with their suffering.
Q:Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence!
A man called his mother in Florida ,
"Mom, how are you?"
"Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak."
The son said, "Why are you so weak?"
She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
The son said, "That's terrible.Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"
The mother answered,
"Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."
A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play.
She asks, "What part is it?"
The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband."
"The mother scowls and says,
"Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."
Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: (Sigh)"Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark.
I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody."
Short summary of every Jewish holiday:
They tried to kill us. We won. Let's eat.
Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said,
"Lady, I haven't eaten in three days."
"Force yourself," she replied.
Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler will let go.
Q: Why are Jewish men circumcised?
A: Because Jewish women don't like anything that isn't 20% off.
done_got_old
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Dec 13, 2003
- Posts
- 269,162
After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.
He looked at her for a while, then said “You’re A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K.”
“What does that mean?” she asks.
He said, “adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, foxy, gorgeous, and hot.”
She smiled happily and said, “Oh, that’s lovely. What about I, J, K?”
He said “I’m Just Kidding!”
The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his family jewels.
He looked at her for a while, then said “You’re A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K.”
“What does that mean?” she asks.
He said, “adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, foxy, gorgeous, and hot.”
She smiled happily and said, “Oh, that’s lovely. What about I, J, K?”
He said “I’m Just Kidding!”
The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his family jewels.
ga400us
Póg mo thóin
- Joined
- Oct 30, 2004
- Posts
- 4,034
ga400us
Póg mo thóin
- Joined
- Oct 30, 2004
- Posts
- 4,034
Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out.
Both were very faithful and loving wives; however, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.
Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.
One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.
Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.
She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.
After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.
The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said: 'These girls nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!'
'That's nothing!' said the other husband, 'Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said....
"From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you."
Both were very faithful and loving wives; however, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.
Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.
One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.
Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.
She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.
After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.
The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said: 'These girls nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!'
'That's nothing!' said the other husband, 'Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said....
"From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you."
ga400us
Póg mo thóin
- Joined
- Oct 30, 2004
- Posts
- 4,034
Chinese Sex ....
Whilst in China, an American man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.
A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.
Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, “I’ve got bad news for you, you’ve contracted Mongolian VD. It’s very rare and almost unheard of here in the US, we know very little about it.”
The man looks a little perplexed and says, “Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.”
The doctor answers, “I’m sorry, there's no known cure. We’re going to have to amputate your penis.”
The man screams in horror, “Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!!!”
The doctor replies, “Well, it’s your choice. Go ahead, if you want, but surgery is your only option.”
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he’ll know more about the disease.
The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, “Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease.”
The guy says to the doctor, “Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to cut off my penis!”
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. “Stupid American docttah, always want opawate.
Make more money dat way.... No need amputate!”
“Oh, thank God!” the man exclaims.
“Yes,” says the Chinese doctor, “Wait two week... Fall off by itself!”
Whilst in China, an American man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.
A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.
Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, “I’ve got bad news for you, you’ve contracted Mongolian VD. It’s very rare and almost unheard of here in the US, we know very little about it.”
The man looks a little perplexed and says, “Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.”
The doctor answers, “I’m sorry, there's no known cure. We’re going to have to amputate your penis.”
The man screams in horror, “Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!!!”
The doctor replies, “Well, it’s your choice. Go ahead, if you want, but surgery is your only option.”
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he’ll know more about the disease.
The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, “Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease.”
The guy says to the doctor, “Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to cut off my penis!”
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. “Stupid American docttah, always want opawate.
Make more money dat way.... No need amputate!”
“Oh, thank God!” the man exclaims.
“Yes,” says the Chinese doctor, “Wait two week... Fall off by itself!”
ga400us
Póg mo thóin
- Joined
- Oct 30, 2004
- Posts
- 4,034
A young Navy Pilot was severely injured while ejecting from his A-4 Skyhawk due to engine failure during a catapult shot from the aircraft carrier, but due to the heroics of rescue helicopter and the ship's hospital staff, the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear.
Since he was now physically impaired he did not remain on flight status but eventually became an Admiral. However, during his career, he was always sensitive about his appearance.
One day, the Admiral was interviewing two Navy Master Chiefs and a Marine Sergeant Major for his personal staff.
The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy-type, and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview, the Admiral asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"
The Master Chief answered, "Why, yes, Admiral. I couldn't help but notice that you're missing your starboard ear, and I don't know whether this impacts your hearing on that side.
The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact, and threw him out of his office. The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same question, answered, "Well, yes, Sir. You seem to be short one ear." The Admiral threw him out, as well.
The third interview was with the Marine Sergeant Major. He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the two Master Chiefs put together. The Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead with the same question. "Do you notice anything different about me?"
To his surprise, the Sergeant Major said, "Yes, Sir. You wear contact lenses."
The Admiral was impressed, and thought to himself, 'What an incredibly tactful Marine'. "And how would you know that?", the Admiral asked.
The Sergeant Major replied: "Well, Sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with only one fuckin' ear!"
Since he was now physically impaired he did not remain on flight status but eventually became an Admiral. However, during his career, he was always sensitive about his appearance.
One day, the Admiral was interviewing two Navy Master Chiefs and a Marine Sergeant Major for his personal staff.
The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy-type, and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview, the Admiral asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"
The Master Chief answered, "Why, yes, Admiral. I couldn't help but notice that you're missing your starboard ear, and I don't know whether this impacts your hearing on that side.
The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact, and threw him out of his office. The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same question, answered, "Well, yes, Sir. You seem to be short one ear." The Admiral threw him out, as well.
The third interview was with the Marine Sergeant Major. He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the two Master Chiefs put together. The Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead with the same question. "Do you notice anything different about me?"
To his surprise, the Sergeant Major said, "Yes, Sir. You wear contact lenses."
The Admiral was impressed, and thought to himself, 'What an incredibly tactful Marine'. "And how would you know that?", the Admiral asked.
The Sergeant Major replied: "Well, Sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with only one fuckin' ear!"
talikat
Music is my refuge
- Joined
- Oct 14, 2005
- Posts
- 41,098
LMAO!!
ga400us
Póg mo thóin
- Joined
- Oct 30, 2004
- Posts
- 4,034
The 11th Husband...
A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a Virgin".
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
"Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
"Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
"Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
"Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.
"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
"Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it...
"Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.
"Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
"Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was 'lick it'... God I miss him!
"But now that I've married you, I'm so excited".
"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?
"You're with the "GOVERNMENT" this time I KNOW I'M gonna get "fucked".
A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a Virgin".
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
"Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
"Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
"Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
"Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.
"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
"Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it...
"Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.
"Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
"Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was 'lick it'... God I miss him!
"But now that I've married you, I'm so excited".
"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?
"You're with the "GOVERNMENT" this time I KNOW I'M gonna get "fucked".
smoothdevil
devilishnice
- Joined
- Oct 21, 2004
- Posts
- 14,521
Deep Thinkers
Men are deep thinkers
I had just mowed the lawn, so I sat down to have a cold beer.
The day was beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said 'nothing'. The reason I said that instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she would have asked 'about'.
At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would bead to other questions.
Finally I though about the age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts ?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
Well after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer.
Getting kicked in the nuts is much more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child"
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts"
I rest my case. Time for another beer.
Men are deep thinkers
I had just mowed the lawn, so I sat down to have a cold beer.
The day was beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said 'nothing'. The reason I said that instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she would have asked 'about'.
At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would bead to other questions.
Finally I though about the age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts ?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
Well after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer.
Getting kicked in the nuts is much more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child"
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts"
I rest my case. Time for another beer.
smoothdevil
devilishnice
- Joined
- Oct 21, 2004
- Posts
- 14,521
smoothdevil
devilishnice
- Joined
- Oct 21, 2004
- Posts
- 14,521
Sociology Lesson
These folks were shipwrecked:
Two Italian men one woman.
Two French men and one French woman.
Two German men and one German woman.
Two Greek men and one Greek woman.
Two British men and one British woman.
Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman.
Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman.
Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman.
Two Irish men and one Irish woman.
Two American men and one American woman.
A month later, on the absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following has occurred:
One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a ménage a trois.
The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.
The two Greek men are sleeping together and the Greek woman is cooking and cleaning for them.
The two British men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the British woman.
The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming to another island.
The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions on what to do.
The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, liquor store, restaurant, and laundry, and have made the woman pregnant in order to supply more employees for their stores.
The two Irish men divided the island into north and south and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets somewhat foggy after a few pints of coconut whiskey. However, they are quite fulfilled, because the Brits are not having any fun.
The two American men are contemplating suicide, because the American woman will not shut up. She complains relentlessly about her body, the true nature of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin, how she can do anything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, and how her relationship with her mother is the root cause of all her problems, and why didn't they bring a damn cell phone so they could call 911 and get themselves all rescued from this forsaken deserted island in the middle of freaking nowhere so she can get her nails done and go shopping.
These folks were shipwrecked:
Two Italian men one woman.
Two French men and one French woman.
Two German men and one German woman.
Two Greek men and one Greek woman.
Two British men and one British woman.
Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman.
Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman.
Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman.
Two Irish men and one Irish woman.
Two American men and one American woman.
A month later, on the absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following has occurred:
One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a ménage a trois.
The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.
The two Greek men are sleeping together and the Greek woman is cooking and cleaning for them.
The two British men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the British woman.
The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming to another island.
The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions on what to do.
The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, liquor store, restaurant, and laundry, and have made the woman pregnant in order to supply more employees for their stores.
The two Irish men divided the island into north and south and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets somewhat foggy after a few pints of coconut whiskey. However, they are quite fulfilled, because the Brits are not having any fun.
The two American men are contemplating suicide, because the American woman will not shut up. She complains relentlessly about her body, the true nature of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin, how she can do anything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, and how her relationship with her mother is the root cause of all her problems, and why didn't they bring a damn cell phone so they could call 911 and get themselves all rescued from this forsaken deserted island in the middle of freaking nowhere so she can get her nails done and go shopping.
Slow Ride469
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Nov 28, 2003
- Posts
- 49,419
And the Redneck word of the day is "FASCINATE"
That girl's sweater has nine buttons,but her tits are so big she can only fascinate.
That girl's sweater has nine buttons,but her tits are so big she can only fascinate.
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