Tell me how you want it? : Dom/sub advice needed.

[kimuk]

I'm sure this is not a problem individual to me. At least I hope not!

In vanilla relationships sex has always been about the man. I'm a pleaser. Have what you want , if I enjoy it, its a bonus , if I cum its fantastic. My conception of being submissive was along the same lines. Take what you want, I'm here to please etc , etc.............

I am 2 years into a LDR with a very caring Dominant. Who rightly says . He cannot read my mind. He is left trying to read my body language and my responses. I am vocal in pleasure , but not coherantly lol. I make a lot of noise during impact play and CP. He stops when he thinks I have reached my limit.

I have safeworded in the past but for the wrong reasons. ( Its taking me too long to get off , the poor sod must be bored as hell waiting for me to get to where he wants me, I can end it by safewording).

We were discussing our last play session and I asked him why he stopped doing something when I didnt safeword. He said because I never give him the verbal feedback he needs . I need to tell him how I want it , be explicit in my needs and let him know if I want more.

Easy?

No. It feels like a brick wall I can't break through. So I wondered If any of you were ever in the same position. If so, how did you break down the barrier? What methods did you use? How do you get a sub who has a mental gag to give you the required feedback ?

I want to do it , for us. But am I scared of letting go? letting him in? or just conditioned ?

Help?

 

[midwestyankee]

One option would be to cooperate to identify your level of pain/discomfort/satisfaction on an ongoing basis during a scene. One way to do this is with the traditional green/yellow/red stoplight system. If your top asks you how you're doing, you reply according to this color code:

Green - I'm doing great... don't you dare stop!
Yellow - I could use a bit of a break or we need to slow down a bit. (calls for a little bit of further explanation)
Red - We need to stop this now. This can be seen as equivalent to using your safeword.

As you go along in the scene, he can ask you periodically how you're doing-are you at green or yellow? He should be able to assume that you'll say something if you're at red.

Does this seem like it might work?

 

[kimuk]

Yes we have discussed this .

To me , I think , him checking in with where I'm at would work well.

But one of the things he wants me to do is guide him to achieve orgasm. Tell him where , how I want to be touched. What I want him to do , harder, softer etc......to be explicit.

He has a scean planned to achieve this .

I just wondered if anyone else had a sub whoes lips become glued togeather when told to ask for what she wants?

 

[twister947]

Not subs, but most of the women I've known were either unwilling or unable to articulate their needs when asked. It must be very difficult, but I don't know why, or how to break through.

 

[kimuk]

Maybe its a female thing then , rather than a submissive one?

 

[twister947]

Yes, based on my limited experience, I think so.

 

[JamieJ424]

It might help if he led by example. Starting the dialogue by being open himself about what he feels and needs might open the door a bit.

J

 

[Stella_Omega]

Yes we have discussed this .

To me , I think , him checking in with where I'm at would work well.

But one of the things he wants me to do is guide him to achieve orgasm. Tell him where , how I want to be touched. What I want him to do , harder, softer etc......to be explicit.

He has a scean planned to achieve this .

I just wondered if anyone else had a sub whoes lips become glued togeather when told to ask for what she wants?

That is really difficult. It really is. You are trying to break through a lifetime of conditioning that Nice Girls Don't.

Being secretive is something that I had to teach myself out of, and it happened when I started topping more, and found out how much better it was with an expressive partner. And it's still a problem, for me, and I still have trouble --worrying that my partner doesn't want to hear about what I want, or if I just wait she'll get it by accident anyway. Or maybe in another minute...

And i consider myself Dominant! And I'm with another woman!

There's a beautiful DVD series, I've just emailed a friend to ask her where she got them. I'll be back with that info. .

 

[knot_sweet]

To be honest, I have this problem.

But it's not a communication issue as much as what works, what I need to get off, changes as often as my clothes.

What works one day does nothing the next.

Yeah, I like to orgasm, but even masturbating is downright hard work to get there some days.

So, like you, I make it more about my partner's pleasure. Sex is mental and sensory stimulating, but rarely orgasmic for me.

I don't know if this has anything to do with maybe why you have problems saying what you want...

If it truly is just that you're clammed up about speaking aloud all the naughty, nasty, dirty, pleasurable bad things that feel so good...try looking at it strictly as a task set for you by your dominant. As his submissive, he has demanded that you do this for him to make him happy. That means whatever you say is within the terms of your submission and about him and really has nothing to do with you in the bigger picture.

It's not necessarily true, if he cares enough to want to make it good for you, then clearly he isn't entirely self focused. But it might help you to frame it that way in your head to get past the block.

Also, often I find it easier to write things down. After a session, a day or two later after the endorphins wear off, write down what felt great and why. Hand it over to your dom when you're finished. Same end state, different medium.

 

[SwtGrnApplCandy]

As a submissive I feel your pain. I also agree it's hard to verbalize what we want. Perhaps if you put your wants/needs into more of a begging situation?

The stories I write typically has a little to do with my own experiences. Not 100% factual situations but the sexual stuffs I liked in the past. I just wrote about a submissive girl who was tease tortured until she learned how to beg for exactly what she wanted. She couldn't just blurt out what she wanted, she had to beg specifically what she wanted. (Yes, I had a Dom do that to me once and it was really hard to do the first time.)

 

[LallyH]

I'm sure this is not a problem individual to me. At least I hope not!

I have safeworded in the past but for the wrong reasons. ( Its taking me too long to get off , the poor sod must be bored as hell waiting for me to get to where he wants me, I can end it by safewording)

Help?

I found this part rang a bell. From what you've said, and apologies if I've got it wrong, your Dom seems to want your pleasure so I can only presume that your concern about how long it's taking is coming just from you, not something he has actually said or done? Has he ever seemed irritated by this, or are you just putting time limits on yourself? If you are, then I think that's something you need to deal with as well. Have you told him that this is why you've safe worded? Personally, it can take me ages some days and not others, but my Dom doesn't allow me to duck out! Like you, I find it difficult to say what I want but he allows me to wear a blindfold which helps me overcome any inhibitions.
I think someone else has suggested that you make talking about what you want as part of a scene. As you like impact play, how about suggesting to Dom that he insists that you tell him 3 things that you like, otherwise it's proper punishment time? I can see a difficulty if you're the sub in 'telling' your Dom because it can shift the power slightly, but this might be a way round it. And then do the same next time, but it has to be 3 different things! If your mouth is glued shut, it might need a proper threat to open up!

 

[ecstaticsub]

You know the saying "Turn on my mind and my body will follow"? That is how I am and my dominant especially as we both get older the verbal back and forth can be a bigger turn on then whatever we are doing physically.

For me using the green, yellow, red signals for feedback is distracting. If I use "yellow" then it is one step from red and is taken very seriously and of course a "red" would be. For use using yellow or even green would cool thing off.

Instead I do somewhat of a running narrative of how I am feeling. He can then tell both from what I am saying and how I am saying it where my mind and body are at. If I am not saying anything then he will ask, but the tone is what makes the difference between just checking in like "Do you like that or Does that hurt too much?"

Instead I will tell him if I am feeling surrendered, or peaceful or I tell him that I am close to needing to orgasm or I beg to be hit harder. Begging is, in my world, a way of asking for something without sounding toppy.

For his part when I am too quiet (maybe because the pain is too light or sometimes too hard) He may say something like "Seeing your ass get so red makes my dick hard". For me right away that brings me back to the present and that my suffering (if it is too hard) is serving it's purpose I can then express that to him.

We both really enjoy a bit of nasty talk both during sex and during impact play. But the talk doesn't have to be nasty or dirty...just flirty and therefor interesting and informative.

If you have a hard time doing this an exercise to help you may be to write a couple of stories of scenes where you can imagine this kind of talk going back and forth. I always had a hard time writing stories like this because I it didn't feel submissive to be putting words in his mouth even if it were just in a story. But he demanded it and we both found the stories quite fun not to mention arousing when I would read them to him over the phone. (the humiliation factor came into play for me doing these readings, too)

 

[blulilacgrl]

Could he perhaps lead you a little bit?Ask yes and no questions and then require you to say it out loud?I am just thinking off the top of my head but something along the lines of:


Him: Does that feel good?

You: Yes.

Him: Then say it. Tell me it feels good

You: It feels good

Later when you grow comfortable with that, he can push you a little further with

Him: How? Tell me how it hurts/feels good

And other probing questions


It would be a gradual process, and would admittedly put a great deal of the initial work on him. But he can incorporate it into a number of instances I should think~ off the top of my head I am thinking of orgasm denial whereby you can't do certain things until you comply, or he doesn't do certain things until you comply. The point is that ultimately he could omit the yes/no and the subsequent probing questions and simply ask you to tell him how you feel.

But I will admit that I have not had this issue as hubby does not require me to be more vocal than a yes or no.

Sorry if this didn't help. Good Luck.

 

[kimuk]

Thankyou for all the feedback. I want to reply to it all but dont have time now. Will return asap.

kim

 

[kimuk]

It might help if he led by example. Starting the dialogue by being open himself about what he feels and needs might open the door a bit.

J

Thankyou

He has no problems expressing his needs and wants . It me with the sealed mouth lol

 

[kimuk]

That is really difficult. It really is. You are trying to break through a lifetime of conditioning that Nice Girls Don't.

Being secretive is something that I had to teach myself out of, and it happened when I started topping more, and found out how much better it was with an expressive partner. And it's still a problem, for me, and I still have trouble --worrying that my partner doesn't want to hear about what I want, or if I just wait she'll get it by accident anyway. Or maybe in another minute...

And i consider myself Dominant! And I'm with another woman!

There's a beautiful DVD series, I've just emailed a friend to ask her where she got them. I'll be back with that info. .

Oh Stella you do suprise me!
He has let me "top" a few times. I won't go into detail how. But it was wonderful to hear him direct me and give the verbal feedback all the time I was playing with him.

I so want to be able to do the same thing!

I hope you find the vid would love to see it.

 

[kimuk]

If it truly is just that you're clammed up about speaking aloud all the naughty, nasty, dirty, pleasurable bad things that feel so good...try looking at it strictly as a task set for you by your dominant. As his submissive, he has demanded that you do this for him to make him happy. That means whatever you say is within the terms of your submission and about him and really has nothing to do with you in the bigger picture.

This is really helpful. Yep I think I have to get into that frame of mind about it. If I view it as an act of submission. Because Sir wants me to be verbally sexually explicit and tell what I feel when I feel it and how he can make it better( thats the why he wants me to ) then that should loosen my tounge

 

[kimuk]

"Perhaps if you put your wants/needs into more of a begging situation?"

I sugested a scean - pretty low key , to try to reslove the issue. He has morphed it into something much more challenging ( as they do). It will involve me begging and guiding him , otherwise he has warned me, I will be suspended form the door frame for at least an hour until I comply !

 

[kimuk]

You know the saying "Turn on my mind and my body will follow"? That is how I am and my dominant especially as we both get older the verbal back and forth can be a bigger turn on then whatever we are doing physically.

For me using the green, yellow, red signals for feedback is distracting. If I use "yellow" then it is one step from red and is taken very seriously and of course a "red" would be. For use using yellow or even green would cool thing off.

Instead I do somewhat of a running narrative of how I am feeling. He can then tell both from what I am saying and how I am saying it where my mind and body are at. If I am not saying anything then he will ask, but the tone is what makes the difference between just checking in like "Do you like that or Does that hurt too much?"

Instead I will tell him if I am feeling surrendered, or peaceful or I tell him that I am close to needing to orgasm or I beg to be hit harder. Begging is, in my world, a way of asking for something without sounding toppy.

For his part when I am too quiet (maybe because the pain is too light or sometimes too hard) He may say something like "Seeing your ass get so red makes my dick hard". For me right away that brings me back to the present and that my suffering (if it is too hard) is serving it's purpose I can then express that to him.

We both really enjoy a bit of nasty talk both during sex and during impact play. But the talk doesn't have to be nasty or dirty...just flirty and therefor interesting and informative.

If you have a hard time doing this an exercise to help you may be to write a couple of stories of scenes where you can imagine this kind of talk going back and forth. I always had a hard time writing stories like this because I it didn't feel submissive to be putting words in his mouth even if it were just in a story. But he demanded it and we both found the stories quite fun not to mention arousing when I would read them to him over the phone. (the humiliation factor came into play for me doing these readings, too)

This is what I want to achieve - the running narative.

maybe he needs to be more demanding? I know I respond to him very differently when its light play to when hes in full Dom mode.

I think thats what I need that firmness , not being able to wriggel out of it. The "I'm taking no nosense approach!"

Take note Sir ....lol

 

[kimuk]

Could he perhaps lead you a little bit?Ask yes and no questions and then require you to say it out loud?I am just thinking off the top of my head but something along the lines of:


Him: Does that feel good?

You: Yes.

Him: Then say it. Tell me it feels good

You: It feels good

Later when you grow comfortable with that, he can push you a little further with

Him: How? Tell me how it hurts/feels good

And other probing questions


It would be a gradual process, and would admittedly put a great deal of the initial work on him. But he can incorporate it into a number of instances I should think~ off the top of my head I am thinking of orgasm denial whereby you can't do certain things until you comply, or he doesn't do certain things until you comply. The point is that ultimately he could omit the yes/no and the subsequent probing questions and simply ask you to tell him how you feel.

But I will admit that I have not had this issue as hubby does not require me to be more vocal than a yes or no.

Sorry if this didn't help. Good Luck.

It did help .....lots.

He will read this and know I agree whole heartedly!

The trouble even this feels too perscriptive? Why cant I just get over the this is what he wants? I think past experiance where it was a case of just do as your told has conditioned me. Now I have a Dom who relishes my pleasure and wants the verbal feedback to ensure I'm in a good place, I find it so hard to acept?

So I am going to ask him to do this.

Is that putting pressure on your Dom? Asking him to "perform" in the way you want to achieve your own ends? or is it aceptable if it ultimatly gets you to the place where you both want to be?

Yes I know I need to ask him lol.

Just a general question?

 

[kimuk]

Thanks to everyone.

It will help our ongoing discussion about this no end.

I hope he's pleased I'm seeking advice