Dear X,

[imemkay]

Dear Intrusive Callers:

I do not want calls from the Democratic National Committee. I do not want calls from the Republican National Committee. Please leave me alone!! I can not wait for this election to be over!!

Pissed Off Citizen.

 

[Lord Pmann]

Dear RS,

Clean out your inbox.

Sincerely,

Addicted

 

[Lord Pmann]

Dear Addicted,

I'm too lazy. You log in and do it for me?

Yours,
RS

Dear Trucker,

Okay.

(ignore, ignore, ignore, ignore)

Sincerely,

Batshit Crazy

 

[MsQuote]

Dear Former Client,

I am perversely amused by the way you tout yourself as an entrepreneurial thought leader on Twitter and Facebook while I have waited for payment for invoices for work I have done for you that are now 114 days past due. Sure, the work I did for you make you and your company look good, but now I'm thinking the people who hang on your every "word of wisdom" need to know what an unscrupulous businessperson you are.

 

[imemkay]

Dear Male Chauvinist Pig Patient:

Oh, you want a male technologist to do your x-ray because "men are just better than women when it comes to jobs involving science"? Sure, I'll get a guy in here for you right away, right after I rip up my voter registration card and grab my parasol. ASSHOLE!!

Angrily,
Supposedly Inferior Female Tech



Dear Male Co-Worker,

Thank you so much for acting completely incompetent and asking my advice during every step of the asshole's exam. You really made my day!!!

Gratefully,
Your Indebted Co-Worker

 

[EbersMoll]

Dear Hi Energy Photon Flinger,

Can the guy still breed?

Yours,

One who is interested in knowing

 

[imemkay]

Dear One Who is Interested in Knowing,

Unfortunately said asshole can still breed. It would have been unethical of me to crank up the voltage. Although, I probably would have been doing the world a favor by destroying his ability to reproduce.

I might have expected that kind of attitude from say, an 80 year old. This guy was 48. Still shocked by the attitude!

Dismayed Technologist

 

[EbersMoll]

Dear Dismayed Technologist,

I understand your predicament.

The dude is probably still a virgin, lives with his mother and has no friends.

You have successfully claimed the moral high ground.

Yours,

Voltage cranker.

 

[imemkay]

Dear Voltage cranker:

I've claimed the moral high ground!? Mission accomplished!!

Smug MK

 

[Lord Pmann]

Dear X,

Blah blah blah.

Sincerely,

Steeeeewwwwwww

 

[Lord Pmann]

Dear X,

That kitsch outfit is dreadful. The more Gucci symbols you have on an outfit is inversely proportional to its class. I realize I'm being petty, but someone has to do it.

Sincerely,

Annoyed By That Outfit

 

[AnnaKen1910]

Dear mr. X,

Please make up your mind about what you want. Your flip-flopping is worse than a politician's and is confusing me to the point of wanting to call the whole thing off.
Sincerely,
Confused female

 

[bigbritish]

Dear cough,

Please go away. I think it's all that city air that made you come around, it's stanky. I promise I'll go spend more time out in the country.

Sincerely,

Smokers are bad people

===========================

Dear education,

Please be over. You've wasted enough of my time.

Sincerely,

Your Debtee

===========================

Dear City,

All your hustle and bustles scare me. Well, not really scared -- er, yea, sometimes scared. How does a guy with half his teeth and a guy with a suit stand on the same corner? Why won't the homeless people accept food? How do the business people get anything done? Please be the blast I know you can be, I don't like a drab montage.

Sincerely,

Your resident

===========================

Dear Hollywood,

I want to come live in you, I think it'd be cool except your air quality sucks. I have a dirty mind and I overvalue what others think of me so I think we'd get along.

Sincerely,

Your best friend

===========================

Dear Tropical Island,

Teach me to surf.

Sincerely,

Thanks

===========================

Dear Money,

Why does the pursuit of you turn other humans into milkduds? I swear it just makes conversation suck and people sour. I sincerely hate interacting with people when I'm pursuing money so I'm sure they feel the same. I equally dislike the idea of isolating certain places like golf courses just for relaxation purposes. You can't cordon off easy-going-ness. The way I earn my money also seems to rub off onto the rest of my day and a Benjamin looks like a Benjamin. Where is the smell of raw meat?

Sincerely,

A confused hunter

===========================

Dear childhood,

Holy crap you were right about most of the adult world being miserable sacks of ****! Go You!

Sincerely,

Superman

===========================

Dear foreign tattooed girl wearing checkered clothing washing a pink bike,

You seem really neat. I place you into the trust fund group, I just don't know how to talk to you. You just seem too novel and I'm only interested because of that. I'll think of something. Do you like water balloons?

Sincerely,

Willing and Hopeful

===========================

Dear responsibility,

I know you're there. I'm just taking a small break right now, or -- you know what I mean. Do you think you could hold the fort for me while I rest my head a little? I'll be back in just a second.

Sincerely,

Hard worker

===========================

Dear meetings,

What the hell!? You are the reason every economy sucks. Can't you at least pretend you aren't serious? Why do you provide gluttonous amounts of food? You aim to torture us and make us unhealthily fat, is that your plan?

Sincerely,

Grass Grazer

 

[EbersMoll]

Dear Messy One,

Question marks? Yes question marks are very appropriate.

Have an excellent, and special, day.

Yours,

Temporarily floored Litster

P.S. Oh, and how are the brains this morning?

 

[EbersMoll]

Dear Son of deposed Nigerian President,

I'm sorry to hear of your difficulties liberating your poor Father's estate. Of course I would be delighted to assist. Indeed, rather than going through the trouble of you re-entering my bank account details, name, address, etc. why don't I have my cousins call on you in person?

Dimitri, and Mad Freddy will be in Lagos next week, and we have many ways of shipping items across the globe with the minimum of fuss. Of course, if you are unable to attend, do not fret. Dimitri and Mad Freddy will track you down.

Yours,

Pissed off at using my international data allowance on your emails.

P.S. Best you don't look Mad Freddy in the eye, as he sees it as an invitation to play.

 

[Lord Pmann]

Dear Son of deposed Nigerian President,

I'm sorry to hear of your difficulties liberating your poor Father's estate. Of course I would be delighted to assist. Indeed, rather than going through the trouble of you re-entering my bank account details, name, address, etc. why don't I have my cousins call on you in person?

Dimitri, and Mad Freddy will be in Lagos next week, and we have many ways of shipping items across the globe with the minimum of fuss. Of course, if you are unable to attend, do not fret. Dimitri and Mad Freddy will track you down.

Yours,

Pissed off at using my international data allowance on your emails.

P.S. Best you don't look Mad Freddy in the eye, as he sees it as an invitation to play.

Dude, when the prince of Nigeria emails you, you don't snub him. No sir. You send that Western Union money xfer for that transaction fee and collect those millions ASAP.

 

[imemkay]

Dear Pissed Off International Data User,

Should your cousins Dimitri and Mad Freddy require assistance, I'm sure my Uncles Carmen and Salvatore would be happy to help out. They usually work in the waste management industry, but have been known to branch out into the worlds of retrieval and transportation.

Let me know!

Yours,
A Friend with Good Connections

Dear Son of deposed Nigerian President,

I'm sorry to hear of your difficulties liberating your poor Father's estate. Of course I would be delighted to assist. Indeed, rather than going through the trouble of you re-entering my bank account details, name, address, etc. why don't I have my cousins call on you in person?

Dimitri, and Mad Freddy will be in Lagos next week, and we have many ways of shipping items across the globe with the minimum of fuss. Of course, if you are unable to attend, do not fret. Dimitri and Mad Freddy will track you down.

Yours,

Pissed off at using my international data allowance on your emails.

P.S. Best you don't look Mad Freddy in the eye, as he sees it as an invitation to play.

 

[Lord Pmann]

Dear Pmann,

Make sure your headphones are plugged in all the way when you are listening to music on your phone. Particularly when it comes to playing songs like Closer by NIN.

Sincerely,

Outed Office Rapey Dave

 

[EbersMoll]

Dear Friend with Good Connections,

It's always interesting to hear of potential joint ventures. Waste disposal is such a useful service, especially with relations as messy ours seem to be.

Do you have subsidiaries in West Africa? I have recently become aware of a number of sources of trash there that, frankly, ought to be cleaned up.

Yours,

Let's make the world a cleaner place.


Dear Outed Office Rapey Dave,

Impromptu office raves aren't always fun are they? Especially if one happens to be the unwitting DJ.

Yours,

Been there, done that, know exactly of what you speak.

P.S. I was broadcasting Johnny Mathis to the masses, Rock 'n' Roll cred' lost forever.

 

[imemkay]

Dear World Housekeeper,

I will inquire as to whether the uncles have a subsidiary in West Africa. Either way, they thrive on this sort of stuff.

One caveat though, once they do a favor for you, well, be prepared to offer repayment in kind. Sounds like Dimitri and Mad Freddy should have no problem with that, though.

Yours,
Thanking goodness I'm family and don't have to worry about repaying debts to Carmen and Salvatore!

 

[Lord Pmann]

Dear Outed Office Rapey Dave,

Impromptu office raves aren't always fun are they? Especially if one happens to be the unwitting DJ.

Yours,

Been there, done that, know exactly of what you speak.

P.S. I was broadcasting Johnny Mathis to the masses, Rock 'n' Roll cred' lost forever.

The worst was at my last job... I was listening to the comedy station on my phone. I had my headphones plugged into my phone, but I switched over to my computer and plugged my headphones in. I just hit pause on my phone. Well, I went to lunch. When I came back an hour later, someone had called my phone, something seemingly insignificant. Except for the fact that a phone call overwrites the pause and when the caller hung up, comedy station resumed. When I came back, I was horrified because it was on a Louis CK bit that, while the funniest thing on earth, was totally inappropriate for broadcast to the office. The line that played as I walked in was "cum on my cat's face once, shame on me..."

I remember it well.

 

[vibes]

Dear sleep,

It was so nice to be acquainted with you at 10pm. I wish the CHW had not been channeled to wake me after just 4 hours though.

Come back to me please. Now.

Yours,
SleepyShine

Dear SleepyShine,

maybe switching off any and all devices connecting you with this world would help to keep you in the world of sleep.

Your bro

 

[imemkay]

Dear SleepyShine,

maybe switching off any and all devices connecting you with this world would help to keep you in the world of sleep.

Your bro

Dear Vibes,

You better start running before pmann kicks your ass!!

Your cousin

 

[vibes]

Dear sexy Cousin,

I would like to think that pmann has better things to do, not only with my sister, than kicking my (outstanding) ass

Your fave cousin

 

[Saucyminx]

Dear sexy Cousin,

I would like to think that pmann has better things to do, not only with my sister, than kicking my (outstanding) ass

Your fave cousin

Dear Vibes,

That is an outstanding ass.

A Family Friend