How to move forward after an affair

[octobersky]

Long time lurker in need of advice and personal experience.

How do I get past my husband cheating on me? How do I trust him not to do it again? I’m shell-shocked and hurt. It was a woman from his past they went to college together. I found out by finding a text on his phone from her. I confronted him and he denied it at first. He eventually came clean but it was small confessions over many days. It has been several months and I can’t stop thinking about it.

I can’t decide if I want to stay and make it work or kick him out. Do I trust him or do I need to check his phone and email to be sure? How do I track his online activity? Is it trust if I’m checking on him?

How do I get past the hurt and betrayal? He is not same man he used to be to me, will this change or will he always be different to me?

 

[Sweetandsinful]

You can get past it but he will be forever changed in your eyes. You can forgive, truly, but you will never really forget.

 

[RepressedGuy]

As much as I love this forum, you might get a better response at talkaboutmarriage.com. They have a section specifically devoted to coping with infidelity. I wish you courage and luck!

 

[Deleted member 1405174]

I was the offender in the affair, I did not have sex with the "other", just 2 make out sessions and 1 big boobie grope (they were DD's). Anyway, we worked it out and now, 8 years later, we speak openly about it. It has never happened again since, and never will. I know I am forgiven, and I know it is not forgotten, I just have to keep being honest and keep up my promise to not do it again. In the end, it strengthened our marriage. I have no desire to do it again, it was not worh the emotional price we both paid.

 

[silverwhisper]

octobersky queried:
i can’t decide if i want to stay and make it work or kick him out. do i trust him or do i need to check his phone and email to be sure? how do i track his online activity? is it trust if i’m checking on him?

i think you already know that it isn't trust if you check on him. i think you also don't need a complete stranger from the internet to tell you this.

you have some soul-searching to do. i don't know anything about your relationship. at all. and ultimately, it doesn't matter because no one can possibly explain every relevant detail about their relationship in a discussion forum post.

at some point, you'll find an answer to your question. it's going to be the only answer you can have.

all i can tell you, having been a cheater myself, is that:

1) this is part of who he is. it may not be the defining trait about him, but it's there and once there, cannot be forgotten completely.
2) you need to figure out if this relationship--not just him--are worth trying to forgive. once you figure that out, you will have one of two hard roads ahead of you. i wish you luck in figuring out which one you will follow, because this is far from easy.

octobersky queried:
how do i get past the hurt and betrayal? he is not same man he used to be to me, will this change or will he always be different to me?

i think this depends tremendously upon the two of you. as i said above, you have a choice to make. you can tell us more about the relationship, about him, about how you two are together, but ultimately, i don't think it's possible to say everything that's relevant in a post.

but you owe it to yourself and to who he once was to figure out if it's worth getting an answer to that question, because the answer is, i think at least, unique to each situation and couple.

i'm sorry that this happened to you, for whatever that may be worth.

ed

 

[njlauren]

Octobersky-

You may be able to forgive but you won't forget and the hard part is going to be rebuilding trust. A friend of mine went through this, and she said it was horrible, that her husband would be late, he would need to do things and the first thought was he was cheating again. I spent a lot of time talking to her and helping put her back together, and another thing a number of us spent time on her was not blaming herself, that it was about him,not her, and I give you that same thought.

I think the root of the healing is getting him to tell you why he did it, what made him do it. If it is an old acquaintance it could simply be curiousity about someone he always had lusted after, it could very well be a matter of opportunity and prior lust. I don't know how many times this happened, was it a one shot or serial, that makes a big difference, too.

IMO, as with my friend, the key is can you ever get to the point where you don't feel like you need to check on him, make sure he isn't cheating, a relationship where you feel like you have to check on him, do surveillance, isn't worth it, it is jail and it isn't any more fun for the jailer then the jailed...

You mentioned he is changed, the fact is, you both now have, and your relationship will change as well. You cannot rebuild the old relationship, that is gone, and the question going forward is if you stay, what will that new relationship be?To achieve the reconciliation that will take means you and he have to figure out what you want out of the relationship going forward and be willing to throw away that which didn't work. Quite honestly, he is the one with the burden of work here, he has to prove to you that he truly is sorry for what happened and wants to make amends. I can't tell you what that means, everyone is different, it might be a relationship where he has less freedom, where 'nights out with the boys' are lessened or none, where he is on a short leash, it might be where he has to demonstrate to you that he is willing to focus on your needs more, whatever....... A good friend of mine talked about reconciliation at the church I used to belong to, and he told a very moving story about that, that reconciliation is moving forward and it has to be a totally new relationship, build on new foundations and ground, not on the old one.

One of the non negotiable things if I faced this? That the other person has to open up totally, your H in this case, and he has to come clean about what happened and also what he plans on doing to make it better, because again, he has that burden, not you. If he is just like 'let's kiss and make up', it isn't enough.

I would also suggest counseling, at this point for yourself, to help you figure out what you need. Do you love him enough to want to preserve the relationship? Do you feel he still loves and respects you and the cheating was truly just lust, or do you feel it was a sign of disrespect? I think to make the decision you need to you need to figure out your own feelings, and a therapist can help with that.

Again, this is about him, not you, and make it clear to him he has a hell of a journey to bring you back to him, and don't let him pull the bullshit that you were to blame partially and so forth, it is his and his alone.

 

[SweetErika]

Long time lurker in need of advice and personal experience.

How do I get past my husband cheating on me? How do I trust him not to do it again? I’m shell-shocked and hurt. It was a woman from his past they went to college together. I found out by finding a text on his phone from her. I confronted him and he denied it at first. He eventually came clean but it was small confessions over many days. It has been several months and I can’t stop thinking about it.

I can’t decide if I want to stay and make it work or kick him out. Do I trust him or do I need to check his phone and email to be sure? How do I track his online activity? Is it trust if I’m checking on him?

How do I get past the hurt and betrayal? He is not same man he used to be to me, will this change or will he always be different to me?

You've received excellent advice so far, especially regarding forgiving vs. forgetting, keeping your eyes open, creating a new relationship (if you so choose), NOT blaming yourself/allowing him to blame you (cheaters almost always try to play the blame game, in my experience) and getting help.

Ultimately, I think you just have to summon the strength to move forward. There are probably going to be some specific things you need to do in order to do that, whether you try to rebuild your relationship or decide to leave it. If you decide to give it a go, you may feel the need to monitor your husband, and I think that's OK as long as it's done honestly. For instance, some betrayed partners openly install monitoring and tracking software on their spouse's phone, computer(s) and other devices. It provides them with a measure of comfort, at least for a time. There are ALWAYS going to be ways around stuff like that, but if you feel it'll give you some peace of mind for now, talk to your husband about it.

Another thing you can check into is support groups like the Beyond Affairs Network meetings, which are totally free and ONLY for betrayed spouses, NOT people who have cheated. Again, you might find comfort in talking with others who are/have been in similar situations, hearing how they've dealt with a variety of issues and seeing what resources have been helpful to them (local therapists who deal with a lot of infidelity and related issues, books, articles, etc.).

So, it sounds like your first stop should be getting support from a good therapist and/or support group. From there, you can decide whether you want to try to work on the marriage or leave, and either way, what your current boundaries and requirements are. And through all of this, make sure you're taking good care of yourself so you have the strength to do what you need to do.

 

[octobersky]

Thank you all for your advice. I need to make a list of what I need to do. I can't keep focused to make decisions about all of this.

 

[KierstH12]

......................

 

[subwannabe]

Most guys will do it again, just being more careful next time. Whether your guy is most guys I don't know but you can't move on until you find the answer to that question.

 

[pfflyerhot]

...Moving forward after an affair

Thank you all for your advice. I need to make a list of what I need to do. I can't keep focused to make decisions about all of this.

Start with making that to do list. It'll free your mind from the endless process of trying to remember "... gotta remember this, gotta remember that", just write it down, check your list daily, and then—hooray—cross that crap off there (very satisfying, in a mundane sorta way). Perhaps then you can put more focus on those feelings, the questions (ask them), how all the deception, denial, broken trust, the flattened aftermath of a relationship once solid... the entire impact this affair has taken (or will continue to take?) on your soul, your spirit, your heart and mind. Therapy can be very helpful. Having a safe place to talk and figure it all out can work wonders... I know from my own experience.

How do I get past the hurt and betrayal? He is not same man he used to be to me, will this change or will he always be different to me?

You will get through this, and eventually passed it, but it'll take time. Time to reflect on it all, on yourself, what you feel, what you really feel, what works for you, what doesn't, what you can live with, and live without... You'll need time to think, feel and above all else, time to be nice to yourself. Don't forget to be nice to yourself! Were I in your shoes, I'd need some time away from this man, this person, husband, who is sooo different in your eyes now. Do you even like this new guy? Can you discuss this situation with him, the aftermath, the future, at all? If not, then for me, the answer'd be easy: "I'm done." People who love each other, heck just people, ought to be able to talk about anything. It's just talking—not like you're kicking each other or anything. You can always agree to disagree in the end. Sorry, blathering now...
I'd also feel out hubby on therapy for himself, and, with you as a couple. His response would most def influence my decision .. to stay or go.
Wishing you comfort and clarity in your journey. Hang in.

 

[octobersky]

Rainshine[/B];42114206]
Does this mean you were going through his phone, and had some trust issues already?

He is different in your eyes now, of course, but he's probably still fundamentally the same man you married.

He was busy and a text came in. I thought it was a friend letting us know about plans for that night, so I looked. He denied it. I had the proof looking at him and he tried to make excuses. When he knew he was cornered he admitted a little at a time. I can't know if I have the whole truth.

He is not fundamentally the same person. To me this changes who he is in every way. I did not know I married a man that would destroy my trust and willingly break my heart. He is not the same fundamentally.

Kiersth12, thanks for the questions. I will print them up and see if I can find the answers. Why does it matter if it was a one time thing or ongoing? Isn't cheating, cheating?

He is trying to make parts of it my fault. I didn't do this enough or I should have been more like that. If he had been happy and well taken care of he wouldn't have looked elsewhere. The rub is I had been here reading and learning how to be better for him. I guess it wasn't enough.

I don't know how long I should hang on before I decide I can't get through it, that there is nothing left to salvage. How many months is enough before I stop torturing myself.

Thank you all for answering I'm trying to take everything in.

 

[KierstH12]

.......................

 

[Eilan]

He is not fundamentally the same person. To me this changes who he is in every way. I did not know I married a man that would destroy my trust and willingly break my heart. He is not the same fundamentally.

Oh, but he is fundamentally the same person. It's just that he's not who you thought he was.

Been there, done that, and it sucks. I'm so sorry. You've gotten a lot of good advice already.

 

[Fraulein_S]

Simple

Divorce

 

[KierstH12]

........................

 

[SweetErika]

He is not fundamentally the same person. To me this changes who he is in every way. I did not know I married a man that would destroy my trust and willingly break my heart. He is not the same fundamentally.

Eilan already said that he IS the same person, you just didn't realize it. Or maybe you did, deep down. When you look back at everything, is there a history of him acting unethically by lying or not telling whole truths, cheating in other ways, just not doing the right thing, etc.? Is there a history of selfishness, making excuses, not following through, not communicating, or anything else that typically makes a cheater a cheater?

The next question you need to ask him and yourself is whether or not he has the strong desire and intention to change.

He is trying to make parts of it my fault. I didn't do this enough or I should have been more like that. If he had been happy and well taken care of he wouldn't have looked elsewhere. The rub is I had been here reading and learning how to be better for him. I guess it wasn't enough.

Don't let him get away with that, or allow yourself to belief he cheated because you weren't enough. Cheater often rewrite history and build whole stories filled with justifications for their actions. When confronted, they usually take a very defensive position, blaming, making excuses, justifying and sweeping the whole mess under the rug. If you talk to a bunch of people who have been cheated on, you hear that same story over and over. What you almost never hear about is a cheater who takes full responsibility for their actions and does their very best to fix whatever is wrong from the start.

I don't know how long I should hang on before I decide I can't get through it, that there is nothing left to salvage. How many months is enough before I stop torturing myself.

Let go of your guilt, and you'll stop torturing yourself. Nothing you did or didn't do caused him to cheat. He could have chosen to communicate and work with you on anything he wasn't happy with, let you know he wanted to see someone else, get into therapy himself, or left your marriage. He had other choices.

What's been making you stay this long? Have you made a list of pros and cons for staying vs. leaving? Do you believe there's enough to make a go of trying to build a new relationship with your husband? Does he? Is he willing to take full responsibility, apologize sincerely and do whatever it takes to try to make it work?

Again, I'd strongly suggest getting some support from a therapist and support group. Next to that, do whatever it is you need to do to position yourself to leave if that's what you choose to do.

 

[Lost_Yonder]

Wow, so many issues here, interesting and engaging feedback. I don't even know where to begin. While I can only imagine how difficult it is for you, I think your experience, so personal yet so universal, raises some important issues, for the sake of discussion. Thus, my apologies, as what I write doesn't reflect solely on your situation.

First, for those who argue that he has shown his true self, that you just never realized before - maybe, maybe not. People do change. Circumstances arise, shit happens - we can't condemn a person for being an inherent cheater, that takes us no where.

Second, as for him trying to blame you - now that is outright bs! That exposes a lot about him, more so, in my mind, than having sex with another.

Now, as for how to deal with it - only you can decide that, and anyone who tries to standardize some moralistic response is clueless about human behavior, relationships, and sexuality. Each relationship we enter into is so radically different - and they change over time. My wife, early on, cheated on me, at first it hurt, but then on reflecting on it, I realized it wasn't that big of a deal - she was with me, we loved each other, her having a drunken fling with someone wasn't a big deal. Now I'm at the point I wish she would have an affair (but that is another story). The point being, one can't assume all cheating in all relationships should be dealt with the same.

Possible responses:
1) Invite her over and have a 3some!
2) Let go of your own constructed assumption that his sexuality is intricately linked to your love/relationship with him.
3) Go online together and find other dates/sex partners for him - and you (I once had a friend when we were quite young who stole a few cigarettes from his mom and smoked them. His dad found out and fourced him to smoke a whole pack - he got really sick and never smoked again! - not saying that will work with sex, but hey, worth a shot! I do know of a case where he was a serial cheater, for the sake of the kids she didn't divorce him, they fought regularly, making the whole thing worse. They finally sat down and came to an agreement - they could have sex with other people. She tried it, wasn't really into it. Since he got the "green light" to fuck others, he hasn't been with another.)

OK, pounce away...

 

[imemkay]

You've been given a ton of great advice already, but I'm got to throw in my two cents.

1. The fact that you confronted him with the evidence, literally in hand, and he still didn't fess up right away, I think speaks volumes. I mean at that point what did he have to lose? You should not have had to needle the information out of him a little at a time. Does he feel bad he cheated or bad that he got caught?

2. I would not suggest tracking his online activity/texts. It's easy enough to for him to hide things that way anyway. In the end, you'll have spent an enormous amount of time and emotional energy to check up on him and you'd probably come up empty handed anyway. With it constantly in the front of your mind, you'll drive yourself insane and never have any hope of getting over this.

3. Have either of you suggested counselling? Either couple or at the very least for yourself alone? That could really help you sort out your thoughts and feelings and give you a little clarity.

4. Kiersth's questions were all great questions to ask yourself.

5. Don't blame yourself for what he did. And don't let him try to blame you either. He is responsible for his own actions.

Whatever you decide, I hope you end up happy and at peace with your decision!

 

[octobersky]

Eilan already said that he IS the same person, you just didn't realize it. Or maybe you did, deep down. When you look back at everything, is there a history of him acting unethically by lying or not telling whole truths, cheating in other ways, just not doing the right thing, etc.? Is there a history of selfishness, making excuses, not following through, not communicating, or anything else that typically makes a cheater a cheater?

The next question you need to ask him and yourself is whether or not he has the strong desire and intention to change.

What's been making you stay this long? Have you made a list of pros and cons for staying vs. leaving? Do you believe there's enough to make a go of trying to build a new relationship with your husband? Does he? Is he willing to take full responsibility, apologize sincerely and do whatever it takes to try to make it work?

He can be selfish and makes excuses to get out of dealing with his behavior or at times he will turn it around on me. He isn’t the best communicator and he can be critical of me. Not always overtly critical, but small things here and there. Suggesting I exercise more or dress sexier. Discussing sex leads to me not being interested or willing often enough.

I can’t know if he does or not because I don’t know if he is remorseful for doing it or sorry he got caught. He says he is sorry and does nice things for me, but there is always this underlying sense of frustration from him towards me.

We have children and it complicates the situation. I feel stuck and as much as I would like to believe it could be repaired I worry if it happens again it will destroy me.

 

[octobersky]

2. I would not suggest tracking his online activity/texts. It's easy enough to for him to hide things that way anyway. In the end, you'll have spent an enormous amount of time and emotional energy to check up on him and you'd probably come up empty handed anyway. With it constantly in the front of your mind, you'll drive yourself insane and never have any hope of getting over this.

3. Have either of you suggested counselling? Either couple or at the very least for yourself alone? That could really help you sort out your thoughts and feelings and give you a little clarity.

5. Don't blame yourself for what he did. And don't let him try to blame you either. He is responsible for his own actions.

I have checked his phone for texts and our online bill. In the end most people tell me it is too easy for him to cover his tracks and it would be almost impossible to catch him if he doesn't want to be caught. I have a nagging suspicion he continues to talk to her, but I have no proof and it appears no way of getting proof.

We are in counseling but the progress is slow.

It's hard not to blame myself knowing he wanted me to change and I had been trying to make changes to keep him content.

 

[KierstH12]

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[Lost_Yonder]

Betrayal is in your mind! time for a little Zen break from our destructive ego-centric world...

The "cheating" aside, everything else that has been shared about this guy does not bode well for a healthy relationship, no matter what the expectations are - and even worse for the kids involved. The worst thing to do to kids is stay in a destructive relationship...

 

[KierstH12]

........................

 

[imemkay]

We are in counseling but the progress is slow.

It's hard not to blame myself knowing he wanted me to change and I had been trying to make changes to keep him content.

Progress can be slow, but nothing in this situation is easy. Make sure you've given it your all before you make any decisions. You don't want to end up thinking "what if" down the line.

He wanted you to change? Why should you be the only one to have to change? What makes his needs and desires more important than yours? He needs to compromise, too. If he's not willing to do that, or wait patiently while you implement the changes he deems necessary, there are other ways to handle things. If he was that miserable he should have suggested therapy before it got to this point.

Do not take the blame for this!!