Tell a Joke

[BusyAfternoon]

Things Confucius Did Not Say:

Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.

Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets exhausted.

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It takes many nails to build a crib but only one screw to fill it.

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

 

[philos]

These I'm going to steal.

 

[BusyAfternoon]

Blow Dryer Mishap:

A good lesson for all…

http://www.brooklynpaper.com/assets/photos/34/11/wb_bariewythe_2011_3_18_bk02_z.jpg

Bubba's wife caught him blow-drying his pecker this morning and asked him what the hell he was doing?

Apparently, "heating up your breakfast" was not the right answer!

 

[BusyAfternoon]

http://img8.joyreactor.com/pics/post/comics-dog-265808.jpeg

 

[BusyAfternoon]

Just thought you would like to know

(1) Ants don't sleep.

(2) Owls have eyeballs that are tubular in shape, because of this, they cannot move their eyes.

(3) A bird requires more food in proportion to its size than a baby or a cat.

(4) The mouse is the most common mammal in the US.

(5) A newborn kangaroo is about 1 inch in length.

(6) A cow gives nearly 200,000 glasses of milk in her lifetime.

(7) The Canary Islands were not named for a bird called a canary. They were named after a breed of large dogs. The Latin name was Canariae insulae "Island of Dogs."

(8) There are 701 types of pure breed dogs.

(9) A polecat is not a cat. It is a nocturnal European weasel.

(10) The animal responsible for the most human deaths world-wide is the mosquito.

(11) The biggest pig in recorded history was Big Boy of Black Mountain, North Carolina, who was weighed at 1,904 pounds in 1939.

(12) Cats respond most readily to names that end in an "eee" sound.

(13) A cat cannot see directly under its nose. This is why the cat cannot seem to find tidbits on the floor.

(14) Pigs, walruses and light-colored horses can be sunburned.

(15) Snakes are immune to their own poison.

(16) An iguana can stay under water for 28 minutes.

(17) The ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

(18) The electric chair was invented by a dentist.

(19) The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to Squirt blood 30 feet.

(20) Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear By 700 times.

(21) Cats have more than one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only have about ten.

(22) The biggest member of the cat family is the male lion, which weighs 528 pounds (240 kilograms).

(23) Most lipstick contains fish scales.

(24) The only food that doesn't spoil is Honey.

(25) Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over a million descendants.

P.S. Researchers get paid by the government for these stats!

 

[BusyAfternoon]

The Question of the Day is...

Will the Dollar fall or not?

http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-1k8Jpk-CXzQ/TjiAgBmaWNI/AAAAAAAAFCs/e7J-up07d6g/s640/Tight+Ass.jpg

Always remember,


The Key to Financial Survival is to be a Tight Ass!

 

[BusyAfternoon]

The Dawn Keye Diet. This really works.



A friend of mine, who is a nurse, talked to me about the Atkins Diet, Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers & the latest of course, The South Beach Diet.
Since she is a nurse & has done a lot of study & research on dieting,
I truly think she has found the real answer to weight loss:




http://www.toilette-humor.com/images/animals/donkey/refrig_donkey.jpg

 

[BusyAfternoon]

http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Clni2Ea83m4/Tn0ItMadZlI/AAAAAAAAFJI/suuy5LolZic/s1600/Nurse2.jpg

Nurses aren't supposed to laugh...

"Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse. "I'm a professional.
In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," said Fred, and he proceeded to drop his trousers,
revealing the smallest male part the nurse had ever seen.

It's length and width was almost identical to a AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to stop a giggle,
but it just came out. And then she started laughing at the
fact that she was laughing. Feeling very bad that she had
laughed at the man's part, she composed herself as well
as she could.

"I am so sorry," she said. "I don't know what came over me.
On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise that won't
happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Fred replied.

She ran out of the room.

 

[BusyAfternoon]

My 1 day employment at Walmart

So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter,
a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day....

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud,
unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart.
Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say,
'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7.
Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or stupid?'
So I replied,
'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at
Wal-Mart.'
My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.

 

[strapon_tales]

My friends bought me a car for my birthday. It wasn't the car that I wanted, but I had to live with it.

It was a Fiat Accompli.

 

[BusyAfternoon]

I ABSOLUTELY LOVE SOME OF THESE COMMENTS! Southern cops have a way with words!



These are actual comments made by South Carolina Troopers that were taken off their car videos:


1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document." (My Favorite)

4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you." (LOVE IT)

6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." ( National Crime Information Center )

13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."

AND THE WINNER IS....
But officer, I was just “breaking” the car in…

Oh, ‘scuse me. I thought you were driving 135 to get home before that last beer took effect.

 

[BusyAfternoon]

breast implants made in China.

(Be sure to watch the whole thing. Don't worry, it's short.)

Much cheaper than in any other country...and so ample. They're made so well that she can't even feel the implants...note how far in she presses to feel anything.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=iY9pURFLLEA

 

[BusyAfternoon]

Little Irish girl telephoning a Demolition company


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PYGSlIe3_LI&feature=player_detailpage

"Fill your boots man"

 

[BusyAfternoon]

Mom always had several catch phrases that she used when we were kids to warn us of impending danger. I can still hear my Mom now….. I expect your Mom was the same...

"Don't play with those things, you know you could put somebody's eye out!"



http://www.long-nipple.com/MatureNeighbor/3.jpg

DEFINITELY WORTH THE RISK !!!

 

[LiFeNdEaTh]

The Question of the Day is...

Will the Dollar fall or not?

http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-1k8Jpk-CXzQ/TjiAgBmaWNI/AAAAAAAAFCs/e7J-up07d6g/s640/Tight+Ass.jpg

Always remember,


The Key to Financial Survival is to be a Tight Ass!

hell no hahah

 

[BusyAfternoon]

Some Things You Don't Argue With
A while back, I picked up a lovely date at her parents' home.

http://ak3.picdn.net/shutterstock/videos/928153/preview/stock-footage-happy-young-love-couple-holding-hands-and-drinking-wine-on-a-romantic-date-at-the-restaurant.jpg

I'd scraped together some money to take her to a fancy restaurant.

She ordered the most expensive items on the menu. Shrimp cocktail. Lobster Patron. Champagne.

I asked her, "Does your mother feed you like that when you eat at home?"

"No," she replied, "but my mother's not expecting a blow job tonight."

I said, "Would you care for dessert?"

 

[LiFeNdEaTh]

^ Lol

 

[BusyAfternoon]

Extreme Gaming


http://cl.jroo.me/z3/8/s/w/d/a.aaa-gamers-new-joistik.jpg

 

[BusyAfternoon]

The Banana Test

There is a very, very tall coconut tree and there are 4 animals, a Lion, a Chimpanzee, a Giraffe, and a Squirrel, who pass by. They decide to compete to see who is the fastest to get a banana off the tree.

Who do you guess will win?

Your answer will reflect your personality.

So think carefully . . . Try and answer within 30 seconds

Got your answer?

Now scroll down to see the analysis.





If your answer is:


Lion = you're dull.


Chimpanzee = you're a moron.


Giraffe = you're a complete idiot.


Squirrel = you're just hopelessly stupid.


A COCONUT TREE DOESN'T HAVE BANANAS.

Obviously you're stressed and overworked.
You should take some time off and relax!
Try again next year.

 

[BusyAfternoon]

A pumpkin???

Police work must be entertaining as well as dangerous.

Recently, a female police officer arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male, fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of the night. The next day, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency and public intoxication.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, 'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around' he stated.

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need. 'Guess I was really into it, you know?' he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him.

'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Officer Taylor. 'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin.'

Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence . 'I said: 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin??'

He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said:

'A pumpkin? Shit ... is it midnight already?'

The Washington Post wrote an article describing this as "Best come-back line ever."

 

[BusyAfternoon]

The Golfer's Dilemma....

Longtime comedian and frequent "Late Show with David Letterman" guest Gary Mule Deer offers up a difficult scenario for the competitive golfer ...


http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=A0kdBDwNddc

 

[BusyAfternoon]

Cute video by a French water company -- all the incentive these gals need to do a little stationary bike pedaling.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=yEH4Yum4nN4

 

[BusyAfternoon]

Understanding the South

Georgia

The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.


He called her into his office and said, "Y'all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"


The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everthang but my earrings."





Louisiana

A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying ... "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana ."


When asked why, he replied, "I'd rather be in Louisiana 'cause everythang happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the world."



Mississippi

The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"


Bubba replied, "Did y'all see who it was?"


The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."



North Carolina

A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.


A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.


The man replied, "I got a flat tahr."


The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"


The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."




Tennessee

A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"


The driver replied, "Bout whut?"



Texas

The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head."

"Yep," he replied. "That's why I'm dumpin' it here, 'cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage.' "

***

Y'all kin say whut y'all want 'about the South,
but y'all never heard o' nobody retirin' an' movin' North.

 

[Analinterest]

We had organised a suprise birthday for my Nanna, It was for her 100th birthday, But she died.............And we were only half way through giving her the bumps.....

 

[twm2wyat]

Good and amazingly hilarious stuff to read. Thanks for sharing.