How do you know?

[champagne2k6]

How do you know if BDSM is right for you? Maybe I should just try it, right? The more I think about it, the more I feel that what I'm missing in my life is a sense of control. Not being the controller, but being the controlled. I feel like I am in disarray, sexually and mentally frustrated. I feel like I need something, or someone, who can provide the discipline and structure that I need in my life. I have, in the past, enjoyed pain and pleasure intermingling. I have enjoyed being with those who take control, who guide me and instruct me and show me what and how to do things, both sexually and not sexually. Maybe I'm not made to be a slave, but perhaps a submissive?

I'm so confused, and I don't know which way to turn, so I'm asking the members of this board for guidance. I've never knowingly participated in BDSM relationship or lifestyle, but I'm starting to think that I should, and that I would like it, and that I would feel more secure and sure of myself in the daily endeavors of my life. Mind you, I'm not depressed or otherwise down in the dumps, I'm just lost.

Can anyone shed some light on this for me? I know it's not much to go on. Should I try it? If so, how do I find someone who can help me and introduce me to this lifestyle? Websites are often misleading, when it comes to finding people who appreciate and participate in this lifestyle.

Thanks in advance.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Unfortunately, Dominance and Submission is not a cure for not having grown up.

Doms are not Prince Charmings, they are just shmoes like the rest of us with a personality quirk.

Don't trust people who tell you they have THE ANSWER-- they are lying to you.

 

[champagne2k6]

Well, that is certainly insightful, and you may be right. But at the very least I'm willing to listen. And did you just indirectly call me a child? Maybe I am, in some ways.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Oh man, don't mind me-- the temperature is over 100 farenheit, and my brain is fried.

Let me try this again; I guess I should ask you; Do you have any particular dominant in mind? One size doesn't fit all. It worries me when people say "I should try submission" because it's such a relational thing. One size doesn't fit all. The discipline and structure especially-- better make sure your person is capable of handling the responsibility, or even wants it. A lot of people think that "Dominance" means "Suck my cock every morning." And, in fact, they wouldn't be wrong, with a partner who agrees with them.

You will find a lot of local resources at fetlife.com, and google for munches in your area.

 

[champagne2k6]

Thanks for the information. I'm not looking for a "suck my cock every morning" kind of thing. In honesty, I don't know what I'm looking for, specifically, but I don't think it's that. Something a bit more meaningful, eh? Nothing to severe or dangerous, perhaps not an extreme Dom. maybe someone who dabbles in it, or has done it before, or knows how to gauge a sub's tolerance level...How should I know? I'm a noob.

Also, it is -very- hot here as well.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Thanks for the information. I'm not looking for a "suck my cock every morning" kind of thing. In honesty, I don't know what I'm looking for, specifically, but I don't think it's that. Something a bit more meaningful, eh? Nothing to severe or dangerous, perhaps not an extreme Dom. maybe someone who dabbles in it, or has done it before, or knows how to gauge a sub's tolerance level...How should I know? I'm a noob.

Also, it is -very- hot here as well.

We should wait for some of the people who do this as a relationship thing.

As far as tolerance levels, that's actually something you may need to gauge for yourself. You're the one inside your skin, after all.

I'm going to throw something at you, which is: maybe, you need a sub. Someone who can understand your needs-- including the need to be scheduled and structured-- as well as your need to hand over the reins in bed, after training to your liking.

Such folk are called "Service Tops," but they don't always know that's what they are. You'll have to gauge that talent through conversation and possibly auditions.

 

[JustaSCOUNDREL]

OFF TOPIC (Sorry)

Stella you have my sympathy. I spent a fair amount up in the bay area and the hottest I remember was in the low 90s. Even that was pretty uncomfortable. It does look like you are heading for cooler temps for the next few day.

I apologize for the hijack. Back to our regularly scheduled discussion.

Mike

 

[JustaSCOUNDREL]

champagne2k6, There is a wealth of knowledge available on this board both from the posters and in the BDSM Library (The sticky at the top)

The only one who can tell what you want and need is you. There can be several ways to find out. I suggest you spend some time in the library to explor the subjects that you may be interested in.

There are several posters here who are experienced, smart and are well able to post their thoughts in a coherent and understandable manor. You as I have will fairly quickly figure out who you like reading and who you will pay attention to.

Some of my favorites are:

Stella (even though I don't always agree with her I do respect what she says)

Sir Winston, Bi Bunny, NJLauren et al. There are some more but I'm getting old and my memory is not what it used to be.

There are several more but you will find those who you will like.

You are about to embark on a journey, the road will not always be smooth, but the destination can be one hell of a lot of fun.

Enjoy.

Mike

 

[Sir_Winston54]

How do you know if BDSM is right for you? Maybe I should just try it, right? The more I think about it, the more I feel that what I'm missing in my life is a sense of control. Not being the controller, but being the controlled. I feel like I am in disarray, sexually and mentally frustrated. I feel like I need something, or someone, who can provide the discipline and structure that I need in my life. I have, in the past, enjoyed pain and pleasure intermingling. I have enjoyed being with those who take control, who guide me and instruct me and show me what and how to do things, both sexually and not sexually. Maybe I'm not made to be a slave, but perhaps a submissive?

Champagne, the best way to determine if something is right for you is to take it out on the road, romp on the gas pedal a bit, take a few fairly sharp corners: give it a test drive, so to speak. So since you say above, "what I'm missing... is a sense of control,... being... controlled," the first test drive you take is (to continue the metaphor) a bicycle ride: You begin to control at least some portion of your life that you currently feel is "in disarray." However, you can (if you wish) arrange to have a co-pilot - someone who is willing to help you determine your goal(s) for this test ride, and who is willing to check with you on a regular basis to see if you are actually gaining control over that one (or those two or {at most} three) facet(s) of your life that you're working on. Sort of like an NA/AA sponsor, you know? See the second quote/response section below, also.

I'm so confused, and I don't know which way to turn, so I'm asking the members of this board for guidance. I've never knowingly participated in BDSM relationship or lifestyle, but I'm starting to think that I should, and that I would like it, and that I would feel more secure and sure of myself in the daily endeavors of my life. Mind you, I'm not depressed or otherwise down in the dumps, I'm just lost.

You've actually come to one of the best places in the virtual world I've ever experienced or heard about to seek advice about the BDSM culture. There are some very bright, very intelligent, and wonderful folks here who are quite willing to share their years of experience in this culture (and in life).

Can anyone shed some light on this for me? I know it's not much to go on. Should I try it? If so, how do I find someone who can help me and introduce me to this lifestyle? Websites are often misleading, when it comes to finding people who appreciate and participate in this lifestyle.

Thanks in advance.

There are, perhaps, people here who would be willing to act as your "sponsor" for the bicycle test drive mentioned two responses above; if you're looking for real-world interaction, FetLife has, as a general rule, pretty good coverage particularly of the U.S., and some pretty reliable folks, too (that's because a lot of them are Lit BDSMers ). Stella may have some advice regarding other places where you could find folks to act in this regard.

Thanks for the information. I'm not looking for a "suck my cock every morning" kind of thing. In honesty, I don't know what I'm looking for, specifically, but I don't think it's that. Something a bit more meaningful, eh? Nothing to severe or dangerous, perhaps not an extreme Dom. maybe someone who dabbles in it, or has done it before, or knows how to gauge a sub's tolerance level...How should I know? I'm a noob.

Also, it is -very- hot here as well.

Not looking for "suck my cock every morning?" Well, hell, what good are you? (Just kidding, of course! I'm too grumpy when I first wake up in the morning, even if I wake up to a warm wet mouth around my johnson {though noticeably less grumpy in that circumstance}. ) As for the rest of that paragraph, see my previous response.

The whole weather thing, Stella, Champagne, Scoundrel? It's summer. Deal.

ETA: Oh, yeah. Welcome to Lit, the BDSM Talk and Café fora, blah blah blah. Have fun!

 

[hunnyblonde]

Unfortunately, Dominance and Submission is not a cure for not having grown up.

Doms are not Prince Charmings, they are just shmoes like the rest of us with a personality quirk.

Don't trust people who tell you they have THE ANSWER-- they are lying to you.

Hear, hear.

Not to insult the OP at all... that's not my intention. I just have to love someone who has lived like Stella has and is willing to share wisdom about it. I'm a little too bitter most of the time myself....but I'm getting there.

In my personal opinion (stepping out from behind the BDSM pulpit and laying down the 4,300-page D/s Bible....) which is not at all endorsed or supported by any other BDSMer as far as I know...

*stepping up onto my tiny little soapbox*

"Dominance" and "submission" are just loaded words that have become attached to types of behaviors, or tendencies toward behaviors, and the titles and roles and the entire world of D/s itself has taken on way too much pomp and circumstance, not to mention eye-roll-inducing ceremonious bullshit half the time. Some people take themselves a little too seriously... (I'm going to get nasty PMs from Gor people, you just watch..)

But anyway...all I'm getting at is that D/s or any other sexual "toy in the toy box" or "tool in the tool box" shouldn't suddenly be of such a concern to someone that all the other toys and tools get thrown out. I think taking any one element of a person's sexuality and making it the sole critical and defining aspect of who you are invites danger. We aren't - none of us - singularly one thing. And my advice to anyone new to the whole world of power exchange would be to take it easy. Remind yourself that being a submissive (or being a Dom) isn't all that you need; it also isn't all you're capable of. Don't become too married to the glorious idea that it can be.

*stepping down and kicking the annoying little soapbox to the side unceremoniously*

Don't stop having fun at any point, and don't lose who you are to the conceptual idol of perfect Dominance, because it doesn't exist. K?

 

[IrisAlthea]

How do you know if BDSM is right for you? Maybe I should just try it, right? The more I think about it, the more I feel that what I'm missing in my life is a sense of control. Not being the controller, but being the controlled. I feel like I am in disarray, sexually and mentally frustrated. I feel like I need something, or someone, who can provide the discipline and structure that I need in my life. I have, in the past, enjoyed pain and pleasure intermingling. I have enjoyed being with those who take control, who guide me and instruct me and show me what and how to do things, both sexually and not sexually. Maybe I'm not made to be a slave, but perhaps a submissive?

I'm so confused, and I don't know which way to turn, so I'm asking the members of this board for guidance. I've never knowingly participated in BDSM relationship or lifestyle, but I'm starting to think that I should, and that I would like it, and that I would feel more secure and sure of myself in the daily endeavors of my life. Mind you, I'm not depressed or otherwise down in the dumps, I'm just lost.

Can anyone shed some light on this for me? I know it's not much to go on. Should I try it? If so, how do I find someone who can help me and introduce me to this lifestyle? Websites are often misleading, when it comes to finding people who appreciate and participate in this lifestyle.

Thanks in advance.

Some of what you write here does sound like a case of "Life is hard. Would someone please take care of it for me.".
It is a bit much to expect any partner to do that, in my opinion.

The bolded part on the other hand, looks like a pointer on what kind of partner and what kind of relationship you want, so sure, do look into BDSM.
Just don't expect it to be the end all of confusion, frustration, insecurity and disarray.

 

[MadWriter]

Hear, hear.

Not to insult the OP at all... that's not my intention. I just have to love someone who has lived like Stella has and is willing to share wisdom about it. I'm a little too bitter most of the time myself....but I'm getting there.

In my personal opinion (stepping out from behind the BDSM pulpit and laying down the 4,300-page D/s Bible....) which is not at all endorsed or supported by any other BDSMer as far as I know...

*stepping up onto my tiny little soapbox*

"Dominance" and "submission" are just loaded words that have become attached to types of behaviors, or tendencies toward behaviors, and the titles and roles and the entire world of D/s itself has taken on way too much pomp and circumstance, not to mention eye-roll-inducing ceremonious bullshit half the time. Some people take themselves a little too seriously... (I'm going to get nasty PMs from Gor people, you just watch..)

But anyway...all I'm getting at is that D/s or any other sexual "toy in the toy box" or "tool in the tool box" shouldn't suddenly be of such a concern to someone that all the other toys and tools get thrown out. I think taking any one element of a person's sexuality and making it the sole critical and defining aspect of who you are invites danger. We aren't - none of us - singularly one thing. And my advice to anyone new to the whole world of power exchange would be to take it easy. Remind yourself that being a submissive (or being a Dom) isn't all that you need; it also isn't all you're capable of. Don't become too married to the glorious idea that it can be.

*stepping down and kicking the annoying little soapbox to the side unceremoniously*

Don't stop having fun at any point, and don't lose who you are to the conceptual idol of perfect Dominance, because it doesn't exist. K?

I agree with all of this. You're a smart one, Hunny. ~smile~

All that said, submission can sometimes fit nicely into a person's sexuality. Letting go of control ... allowing yourself to be guided ... taught ... led ... giving yourself to someone else's pleasure ... all of that can really hit the spot, if the situation is right. I don't think you're in the position right now to commit yourself to one Dom, but perhaps a little time online with a Dominant type would allow you a nice taste without much emotional danger. More than a one-time encounter but less than a committed D/s relationship ... maybe even with a guy who already has a submissive lover, and whose wouldn't mind sharing a little of his time for your benefit ... she may even be able to help guide you a bit. Just some thoughts. ~smile~ Hope you find something fulfilling ...

 

[Desiremakesmeweak]

Had to think a bit

I had to think a little about commenting at all because I don't really have the need to continually cut across a common and popular style of 'Dominance' that is expressed almost everywhere these days.

And then I thought, 'well, this person asked, and maybe they would like to see all perspectives or at least several.'

In my world of my own personal experience, dominants and submissives are equal. They have equal rights and equal powers. I cannot personally take on someone who is in some way going to be at a genuine disadvantage to me, within a real relationship that might go on for some time.

"Discipline and structure" unfortunately for me, have echoes of a style that I have little to do with. I just get this feeling that far too many 'Doms' come across as simply arrogant, aggressive, maybe angry, definitely self-opinionated or opinionated, people who try to make out that this entitles them to the world of BDSM. It might entitle them to part of the world of BDSM. But not the part in which I spend much time.

Here is an example of something from my own personal experience that goes some way to explaining my own take:

For a few years someone who was one of the inheritors of a rather large Scandinavian ocean vessel line (company) lived in the same area in which I was living. She participates on the board of directors because of ownership rights but did not have an executive role at that time. She, had been to some of the most expensive and well-regarded schools and educational institutions in Europe. And, she was far far more worldly and text-book knowledgeable than many local people here, at her (then) age of 24. She was very close to six feet in height without shoes. She played hockey at elite levels and was also able to distinguish Mumm champagne from Veuve in a blind tasting - which I'm not sure that I can do! ...Although maybe I can.

I met her - and you should understand that this is completely true - at a thing called Benoni Day in Durban, South Africa, which is essentially an inter-school 'day' of athletic competition finishing with a Scottish Highland pipes and drum march which is also some kind of competitive event that I can't comprehend - but it's really arousing anyway. Benoni, as if you don't know, is the farming area/location from which the actress Charlize Thieron hails. A lot of the women there at the college carnival, virtually at every age, were wearing short tartan school skirts.

That evening, I went to a pub with about four girls from Benoni and (I forget the name of the other college) and two guys and the same highland bands were there and everyone carried on noisily till morning.

Next night, I went to dinner downstairs at the Butcher Restaurant in the middle of Nelson Mandela Square and Robert De Niro and his wife and agent and someone else were at the table next to us.

Someone I knew from Benoni College invited this 24-year old along and the several of us had thick dry aged steaks and Thelema Estate red wine and crawled under the tables looking for a ring that someone at De Niro's table had dropped onto the sawdust covered floor. So, De Niro can attest to this part of the story, at least.

Later on, when I went up to my room in the condominium complex very nearby, the six foot Benoni girl came back with me because we found ourselves talking about some subject of extreme common interest, probably something contained in a rare book I owned and had with me upstairs there at the time. It might have been a Basil Watermeyer diamond cutting text (original). I think that was it, from memory. I don't think Charlize Thieron had taken her panties off in Bagger Vance yet, from memory, at that time, but I don't know off the top of my head now.

I dunno, maybe it was the fact that De Niro smiled over at me in a really friendly way - he seems like an incredibly nice guy, by the way, from what I could tell - that impressed this girl and perhaps gave me some aura of credibility or significance or something, but you know how it is, you get this 'attraction' thing happening; this obvious physical attraction and then one side or the other steps over from the sensual to test the sexual...

Okay, I'm not going into all of it, but here's the essential point. She was at some point, tied up, with hands and arms high over her head. She still had expensive and glamorous glossy red lipstick on, and eyeshadow and mascara on and with her high cheekbones she looked a lot more mature than she was by actual years. I had a TENS machine's stickers on the backs of her thighs and was whispering 'come on, come on, come...' between bolts of tiny electric shocks, and 'stop, stop...' and then 'come on, come on, come on,' again, after she relaxed for a few seconds. I had claimed that if she pee-d and the fluid touched the electrodes there would be a god-almighty gigantic electric shock and she would not like it at all. The effect of that was that she didn't pee at all despite trying hard. She still had her full-cut black lace panties on and sometimes this too just creates a psychological hindrance.

When I took the TENS electrodes off, and started to smell her up, she sort of came in a way, because her eyelids shut and looked as if her eyes were drifting up heavenwards beneath them, and she half-smiled, and then frowned, and took on an expression of real self-satisfaction, and emoting within her own world too, clearly, and excluding me.

And the point is that we are talking about someone who is very strong, very physically capable, very intelligent, very educated, almost austerely well-mannered and highbrow in public - certainly able to meet me in conversation on subjects that are obscure even to me and that I pretend to others I know about well... And financially independent...

"Are you going to be submissive for me, this evening?"

Was all I had asked, earlier. Once I realised that this was one 24-year old, who had read a lot of novels and listened to a lot of other girl's talk about what they said they knew.

 

[Madraykin]

How do you know BDSM or D/s is right for you? The simple answer is in fact to try it...

But! How do you know any relationship is right for you? And should any relationship be the sole thing that makes your life a happy one?

I guess I should clarify what I mean by telling you how I got into D/s (and I apologize that all of the few posts I've made on this forum seem centered around my own (admittedly limited) experience, but it seems to be the easiest way for me to relate to whatever's being discussed.)

Anyway, about three years ago I was in kind of a rut, to put it mildly. I'd just ended yet another not-quite-relationship with yet another guy who I found to be weak, indecisive, a bit of a coward... Meanwhile I was lonely, a bit depressed, not really sure what I wanted from my life or my career. At the same time I found myself losing interest in sex. I liked it, I had a more than sufficient sex drive (like, horny all the fucking time sufficient) but I couldn't help thinking, is this it? Shouldn't it be more, oh, I don't know, hot?

And yes, there was a part of me that wanted someone to come and save me from all of it and take care of me and tell me what to do. Not a Dom, necessarily, it hadn't even occurred to me to want such a thing then (though it seems stupidly obvious in retrospect). But, perhaps fortunately, no one did. So there I was, in my mid-twenties and I'd never had a real boyfriend and was totally bored of sex.

So I took a break. From dating, sex, all of it. I took time to figure out who the hell I was and what I really wanted and got my life back on track. And then a little over a year ago I befriended a really awesome guy who just so happened to be a Dom. We started dating a few months later and now I couldn't be happier. Not just because I have a great boyfriend and we have great sex, but because my life is what I want it to be. Or at least, it's headed in the right direction .


Anyway, the point of all this isn't to tell you to not to go experiment and play and learn because I encourage you to do all those things, but BDSM won't, and shouldn't, act as a crutch when you feel like your life is out of control.

Can having a dominant person in your life help guide you and encourage you and keep you on track? Absolutely. But should he/she be responsible for you and your life and your happiness? Should any person other than yourself be? In my humble opinion, no.

 

[AdjectiveNounVerb]

In my personal opinion (stepping out from behind the BDSM pulpit and laying down the 4,300-page D/s Bible....) which is not at all endorsed or supported by any other BDSMer as far as I know...

*stepping up onto my tiny little soapbox*

"Dominance" and "submission" are just loaded words that have become attached to types of behaviors, or tendencies toward behaviors, and the titles and roles and the entire world of D/s itself has taken on way too much pomp and circumstance, not to mention eye-roll-inducing ceremonious bullshit half the time. Some people take themselves a little too seriously... (I'm going to get nasty PMs from Gor people, you just watch..)

But anyway...all I'm getting at is that D/s or any other sexual "toy in the toy box" or "tool in the tool box" shouldn't suddenly be of such a concern to someone that all the other toys and tools get thrown out. I think taking any one element of a person's sexuality and making it the sole critical and defining aspect of who you are invites danger. We aren't - none of us - singularly one thing. And my advice to anyone new to the whole world of power exchange would be to take it easy. Remind yourself that being a submissive (or being a Dom) isn't all that you need; it also isn't all you're capable of. Don't become too married to the glorious idea that it can be.

*stepping down and kicking the annoying little soapbox to the side unceremoniously*

Don't stop having fun at any point, and don't lose who you are to the conceptual idol of perfect Dominance, because it doesn't exist. K?

Can't speak for any BDSMers, since I'm not one, but this presumably vanilla guy likes that demystifying explanation of yours. If I'm understanding you correctly, you're essentially saying "Figure out what you like to do, find someone who likes doing it with you, do it with them, and don't worry about what to call yourselves", yes?

 

[Stella_Omega]

Can't speak for any BDSMers, since I'm not one, but this presumably vanilla guy likes that demystifying explanation of yours. If I'm understanding you correctly, you're essentially saying "Figure out what you like to do, find someone who likes doing it with you, do it with them, and don't worry about what to call yourselves", yes?

Pretty much, yes. Although-- knowing a word or two to signify the behaviors in question is really handy while you're looking for your partner in crime. And knowing that many people are prone to a different definition than yours can keep a searcher out of trouble to a certain extent.

 

[hunnyblonde]

Pretty much, yes. Although-- knowing a word or two to signify the behaviors in question is really handy while you're looking for your partner in crime. And knowing that many people are prone to a different definition than yours can keep a searcher out of trouble to a certain extent.

You know, I'm so glad I got a PM that made me come back to revisit that post of mine... I wouldn't have seen that there were responses to it, but reading your reply (Stella) has me thinking that you've made an extremely good point that I've been missing. I've been so decidedly frustrated with the limitations of the labels that I forgot to consider the advantages to them. Like with anything, you have to have a starting point.

I wonder what my jumping off point would be - if I ever needed one, that is - because I certainly won't ever be spotted posting an ad for a "Dom".

 

[Que]

Not to offer unsolicited wordsmithing or anything but shouldn't that be work-softened tool belt not toolbox?

Hear, hear.

Not to insult the OP at all... that's not my intention. I just have to love someone who has lived like Stella has and is willing to share wisdom about it. I'm a little too bitter most of the time myself....but I'm getting there.

In my personal opinion (stepping out from behind the BDSM pulpit and laying down the 4,300-page D/s Bible....) which is not at all endorsed or supported by any other BDSMer as far as I know...

*stepping up onto my tiny little soapbox*

"Dominance" and "submission" are just loaded words that have become attached to types of behaviors, or tendencies toward behaviors, and the titles and roles and the entire world of D/s itself has taken on way too much pomp and circumstance, not to mention eye-roll-inducing ceremonious bullshit half the time. Some people take themselves a little too seriously... (I'm going to get nasty PMs from Gor people, you just watch..)

But anyway...all I'm getting at is that D/s or any other sexual "toy in the toy box" or "tool in the tool box" shouldn't suddenly be of such a concern to someone that all the other toys and tools get thrown out. I think taking any one element of a person's sexuality and making it the sole critical and defining aspect of who you are invites danger. We aren't - none of us - singularly one thing. And my advice to anyone new to the whole world of power exchange would be to take it easy. Remind yourself that being a submissive (or being a Dom) isn't all that you need; it also isn't all you're capable of. Don't become too married to the glorious idea that it can be.

*stepping down and kicking the annoying little soapbox to the side unceremoniously*

Don't stop having fun at any point, and don't lose who you are to the conceptual idol of perfect Dominance, because it doesn't exist. K?

 

[VladHarkonnen]

How to know if bdsm is right for you? Easy. Does thinking about it turn you on?

(once again I've responded to a question that's months old. Yay me. )

 

[hunnyblonde]

Not to offer unsolicited wordsmithing or anything but shouldn't that be work-softened tool belt not toolbox?

Ah... I getchya. Yea, alright. Tool belt, it is. *little laugh*