Cadence help

[Touched]

So I'm looking to smooth over the ending of a poem I wrote. The last verse doesn't "flow".

Constructive suggestions would be greatly appreciated.



Where was I when our love died?
How could you leave and not try to save it?
Did what we had come to mean so little,
that you could just walk away and watch it go to shit.

 

[ninianne]

Is this just the end of the poem or the whole thing? If it's the end of the poem--I don't know enough about what you're doing to help. So, I'm going to treat this as the whole poem, and try to show you what I see.

First off, the four lines are a fairly simple rhyming structure. Setting aside the question of meter (you aren't following a set rhythmic pattern as far as I can tell) the biggest issue that I can see with this in that the rhymes don't match. In the second line, "it" is an unaccented word, but in the fourth line, you rhyme it with "shit" which is an accented word. It is like trying to rhyme: drinking with sing--there are the same sounds, but the rhyme is slightly off because the strong sounds are "drink" and "sing" or in your poem: "save" and "shit." Of course, rhyming is not necessary in poetry, but in this specific case, because they are so close, it feels off (to me).

Next, think for a moment about why this needs to be a poem. What is the fundemental idea/emotion/image that you are trying to convey to your reader? As it reads right now, it feels like prose--in a poem, every word should move your reader toward the place you want them to be. But in these lines, you use filler words that don't have any real power--words that are necessary if you're writing prose, but distracting if you're writing a poem.

I think the strongest line is probably the first. It's also the shortest (not coincidentally)--you move straight into the question without getting lost in grammar. In the third line, for example, you back off your verbs-- did what we had (which I assume is a synonym for love in context) come to mean so little--in other words "our love meant nothing" or "our love faded" or "our love was murdered by carelessness"--I don't know enough about what you wanted me to feel to know what what idea is right.

The fourth line has a secondary problem (for me)--walking away implies that the actor is looking for a different horizon, which is then undercut by the fact that the "you" is also watching everything blow up into crap.

Finally, remember that this is your poem. I don't know enough about what you needed to say to make a good editor. I just hope I wasn't too unhelpful. Good luck.

 

[Touched]

Is this just the end of the poem or the whole thing? If it's the end of the poem--I don't know enough about what you're doing to help. So, I'm going to treat this as the whole poem, and try to show you what I see.

First off, the four lines are a fairly simple rhyming structure. Setting aside the question of meter (you aren't following a set rhythmic pattern as far as I can tell) the biggest issue that I can see with this in that the rhymes don't match. In the second line, "it" is an unaccented word, but in the fourth line, you rhyme it with "shit" which is an accented word. It is like trying to rhyme: drinking with sing--there are the same sounds, but the rhyme is slightly off because the strong sounds are "drink" and "sing" or in your poem: "save" and "shit." Of course, rhyming is not necessary in poetry, but in this specific case, because they are so close, it feels off (to me).

Next, think for a moment about why this needs to be a poem. What is the fundemental idea/emotion/image that you are trying to convey to your reader? As it reads right now, it feels like prose--in a poem, every word should move your reader toward the place you want them to be. But in these lines, you use filler words that don't have any real power--words that are necessary if you're writing prose, but distracting if you're writing a poem.

I think the strongest line is probably the first. It's also the shortest (not coincidentally)--you move straight into the question without getting lost in grammar. In the third line, for example, you back off your verbs-- did what we had (which I assume is a synonym for love in context) come to mean so little--in other words "our love meant nothing" or "our love faded" or "our love was murdered by carelessness"--I don't know enough about what you wanted me to feel to know what what idea is right.

The fourth line has a secondary problem (for me)--walking away implies that the actor is looking for a different horizon, which is then undercut by the fact that the "you" is also watching everything blow up into crap.

Finally, remember that this is your poem. I don't know enough about what you needed to say to make a good editor. I just hope I wasn't too unhelpful. Good luck.

Very helpful considering what little I gave.

Yes it's the ending. It's also about an ending coincidentally. One of those where one person never see's it coming, and the other treats it with casual indifference.

I had the same problem with it and shit but couldn't place it, which is what I was hoping to correct.

Something more like


Where was I when our love died?
How could you leave and not try to save it?
Did what we had come to mean so little,
that you could just walk away and not dig a grave for it.


A lot of what I write is more contextual, readable but makes more sense if you know the back story.