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degrepski
Guest
Originally had this in Author's Hangout and somehow managed to not see the "Story Feedback" section. 
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degrepski
Guest
Bumpity-bump-di-bump. BUMP!
Hotcappucino
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- May 5, 2003
- Posts
- 655
Somehow the link to your stories got munched. Here it is again:
http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=1275106&page=submissions
If I have some time, I'll take a look & post my impressions.
http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=1275106&page=submissions
If I have some time, I'll take a look & post my impressions.
_Lynn_
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2006
- Posts
- 49,492
I read chapter 4.
The entire time I read it, I kept searching for the right word or words to describe it. I believe 'dry, slow, and dull' works. You're telling a story. But telling is boring. The sentences have the same tone as something like a phone book or assembly directions. Nothing grabs me as exciting, which I find often happens with 'true' stories. For the most part, fiction is more exciting because we can add details to give it that extra zing.
The comments in parenthesis were annoying. They could have been incorporated into the sentences. I grabbed a few examples from the story and added a version in red without parenthesis.
Just my opinion.
The entire time I read it, I kept searching for the right word or words to describe it. I believe 'dry, slow, and dull' works. You're telling a story. But telling is boring. The sentences have the same tone as something like a phone book or assembly directions. Nothing grabs me as exciting, which I find often happens with 'true' stories. For the most part, fiction is more exciting because we can add details to give it that extra zing.
The comments in parenthesis were annoying. They could have been incorporated into the sentences. I grabbed a few examples from the story and added a version in red without parenthesis.
Just my opinion.
D
degrepski
Guest
Well, a bruised ego is something to be expected in this field.
Thank you for your comment, MistressLynn.
Hotcappucino, Yes, please read the story and let me know what you think.
Thank you for your comment, MistressLynn.
Hotcappucino, Yes, please read the story and let me know what you think.
_Lynn_
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2006
- Posts
- 49,492
Metamorphose
Experienced
- Joined
- Jul 31, 2010
- Posts
- 46
Yep, Show not Tell
Writers 101. The most basic thing you should know.
I'll try and show you the diff.
Writers 101. The most basic thing you should know.
I'll try and show you the diff.
Metamorphose
Experienced
- Joined
- Jul 31, 2010
- Posts
- 46
Your version
<It was a Sunday night in late February of 2010 when I stumbled across Katy's profile almost by accident. She happened to be online, within a short distance from me, and she popped up. I messaged her, expecting to just be ignored. It had happened before, and I was starting to become something of a cynical realist dreamer by that point.
Within two minutes of my writing her, I had a reply.
Back and forth, we wrote each other, all the while I would stare at her picture. There was something about her, something that just...caught with me. Even from a good twenty miles away, I felt the pull.
Finally, I decided to go out on a limb. I asked if I could call her.
Her reply had her phone number.>
My version:
Jack Bauer was saving the world on my TV screen. I was rooting for the other team actually, because, well, come on. This show deserves a mercy killing and frankly the world deserves being blown up. I could use being blown right now. I wouldn’t say no to a hand job, actually.
Saturday night and I’m watching Jack Dummy, alone. And it’s been going like that for, well, I can give you the true number but I don’t feel like being particularly honest. Let’s say Sheldon Cooper has had more sex than me lately which is fucking sad enough.
Being a smart investor of finance I’ve invested just this morning on a couple of Mickey's Big Mouth’s in Pavel’s liquor store. I was about to get myself royalty hammered when the Bip, bip, boop, of the instant message interrupted my quest to shitface-land. I was so sure it was Johnny I was about to tell him to blow me and to unplug when the profile picture of the caller caught my eye.
“Nice eyes.” I wrote.
“Thanks.”
“I like purple, nice job on the Photoshop.”
“Fuck you.”
“I ain’t gay, Johnny.” I wrote.
“Who’s Johnny?”
“You’re a riot, Johnny.” I wrote.
“I’m Katy.”
“Sure, and I’m Barak Obama.”
“Mr. president, I had no idea.”
I scratched my head, Johnny once he knows he’s caught usually doesn’t persist. He’s a short attention span kind of bastard. “Can we call it a night, Johnny?”
“Yes we can.”
“LoL – Not.”
“Why are you so eager to dump me?”
“Because you’re not really a girl with amazing eyes, a cute butt and tits to die for.”
“Thanks. A bit vulgar, but not parsimonious on the compliments. I like it.”
Vulgar? Parsimonious? What the fuck? Johnny wouldn’t know what Parsimonious is if it bit his skinny ass and offered him a blow job.
Ok, enough. This by no means is me telling you how to write. Everyone have their own style and mine wouldn’t suit you, probably. And looking at it, not one of my best pieces. Oh, and I don’t have a clue what they play on Saturday night in the US or what is Mickey's Big Mouth’s (I just like to listen to Tom Waits)
What I meant to do is to show you the diff between showing and telling. You Tell. Yours is a second hand dry report of important events in this story. I don’t come to Literotica to read a dry newspaper like report about a guy meeting a girl over the web. I want to be drawn into a scene. To be shown events as they unfold. A report keeps a professional like distance between reader and story, Showing involves him. When you tell, your reader is always aware he’s reading a story which gets boring soon enough.
Second trick that was missing on yours is the conflict. Always have a conflict, it’s the fuel for every story and it wont take off without it. She wants to talk, he’s sure it’s his friend trying to sucker him. A dumb conflict, BTW, but its effective. The reader wants to know how this will be resolved, so you keep him interested and reading. Don’t resolve your conflict before you have a new one to throw at your characters.
Last, characterization. A story evolves around interesting character. No fancy plot, no pyrotechnics can overcome dull or flat characters. You chose first voice which is pretty tough. If you keep writing in 1st form you need to give your character a strong unique voice, otherwise the – I did, I fucked, I looked becomes annoying pretty soon.
Hope this helps, cheers
<It was a Sunday night in late February of 2010 when I stumbled across Katy's profile almost by accident. She happened to be online, within a short distance from me, and she popped up. I messaged her, expecting to just be ignored. It had happened before, and I was starting to become something of a cynical realist dreamer by that point.
Within two minutes of my writing her, I had a reply.
Back and forth, we wrote each other, all the while I would stare at her picture. There was something about her, something that just...caught with me. Even from a good twenty miles away, I felt the pull.
Finally, I decided to go out on a limb. I asked if I could call her.
Her reply had her phone number.>
My version:
Jack Bauer was saving the world on my TV screen. I was rooting for the other team actually, because, well, come on. This show deserves a mercy killing and frankly the world deserves being blown up. I could use being blown right now. I wouldn’t say no to a hand job, actually.
Saturday night and I’m watching Jack Dummy, alone. And it’s been going like that for, well, I can give you the true number but I don’t feel like being particularly honest. Let’s say Sheldon Cooper has had more sex than me lately which is fucking sad enough.
Being a smart investor of finance I’ve invested just this morning on a couple of Mickey's Big Mouth’s in Pavel’s liquor store. I was about to get myself royalty hammered when the Bip, bip, boop, of the instant message interrupted my quest to shitface-land. I was so sure it was Johnny I was about to tell him to blow me and to unplug when the profile picture of the caller caught my eye.
“Nice eyes.” I wrote.
“Thanks.”
“I like purple, nice job on the Photoshop.”
“Fuck you.”
“I ain’t gay, Johnny.” I wrote.
“Who’s Johnny?”
“You’re a riot, Johnny.” I wrote.
“I’m Katy.”
“Sure, and I’m Barak Obama.”
“Mr. president, I had no idea.”
I scratched my head, Johnny once he knows he’s caught usually doesn’t persist. He’s a short attention span kind of bastard. “Can we call it a night, Johnny?”
“Yes we can.”
“LoL – Not.”
“Why are you so eager to dump me?”
“Because you’re not really a girl with amazing eyes, a cute butt and tits to die for.”
“Thanks. A bit vulgar, but not parsimonious on the compliments. I like it.”
Vulgar? Parsimonious? What the fuck? Johnny wouldn’t know what Parsimonious is if it bit his skinny ass and offered him a blow job.
Ok, enough. This by no means is me telling you how to write. Everyone have their own style and mine wouldn’t suit you, probably. And looking at it, not one of my best pieces. Oh, and I don’t have a clue what they play on Saturday night in the US or what is Mickey's Big Mouth’s (I just like to listen to Tom Waits)
What I meant to do is to show you the diff between showing and telling. You Tell. Yours is a second hand dry report of important events in this story. I don’t come to Literotica to read a dry newspaper like report about a guy meeting a girl over the web. I want to be drawn into a scene. To be shown events as they unfold. A report keeps a professional like distance between reader and story, Showing involves him. When you tell, your reader is always aware he’s reading a story which gets boring soon enough.
Second trick that was missing on yours is the conflict. Always have a conflict, it’s the fuel for every story and it wont take off without it. She wants to talk, he’s sure it’s his friend trying to sucker him. A dumb conflict, BTW, but its effective. The reader wants to know how this will be resolved, so you keep him interested and reading. Don’t resolve your conflict before you have a new one to throw at your characters.
Last, characterization. A story evolves around interesting character. No fancy plot, no pyrotechnics can overcome dull or flat characters. You chose first voice which is pretty tough. If you keep writing in 1st form you need to give your character a strong unique voice, otherwise the – I did, I fucked, I looked becomes annoying pretty soon.
Hope this helps, cheers
Last edited:
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degrepski
Guest
I thank everyone who has taken the time to read my work. One of the questions I keep noticing is "Why did you write it THAT way."
True, it's in first person and it is merely a recounting of events. And, yes, I agree with Metamorphose and MistressLynn that a recounting is just that; a boring recounting.
To be honest, the main reason it was so...well, boring, is because a lot of the memories tend to...not just fade but erase. If I'd had all the details as clear as the day they happened, I would have written it third person, and it would have been a story. Personally, I always hated reading the kind of writing that I used.
The good news is that Lost Lovers was meant to be a recounting. As far as Literature, particularly the erotic, my point wasn't to entice anyway. It was meant to share who I was with the world.
And, yes, most people do find me boring. Ha ha ha.
What I may end up doing is making a rewritten version of Chapter 4. Something that is more along the lines of how I would normally write. Though, more than likely, it would actually be Chapter 4.1, the ending. Or at least what I hope the ending would be.
I'd love to have your thoughts on the project/concept. I apologize that you had to read through something that was definitely not your cup of tea. But I am glad that you at least read it.
Anyway, not so worried about feedback at this point. Figure I'll start working on the next story.
Sincerely,
D
True, it's in first person and it is merely a recounting of events. And, yes, I agree with Metamorphose and MistressLynn that a recounting is just that; a boring recounting.
To be honest, the main reason it was so...well, boring, is because a lot of the memories tend to...not just fade but erase. If I'd had all the details as clear as the day they happened, I would have written it third person, and it would have been a story. Personally, I always hated reading the kind of writing that I used.
The good news is that Lost Lovers was meant to be a recounting. As far as Literature, particularly the erotic, my point wasn't to entice anyway. It was meant to share who I was with the world.
And, yes, most people do find me boring. Ha ha ha.
What I may end up doing is making a rewritten version of Chapter 4. Something that is more along the lines of how I would normally write. Though, more than likely, it would actually be Chapter 4.1, the ending. Or at least what I hope the ending would be.
I'd love to have your thoughts on the project/concept. I apologize that you had to read through something that was definitely not your cup of tea. But I am glad that you at least read it.
Anyway, not so worried about feedback at this point. Figure I'll start working on the next story.
Sincerely,
D
sr71plt
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jul 18, 2006
- Posts
- 51,872
Yep, I don't think the opening sentence of your version qualifies as telling anyone how to write, M. Is there an English translation for this?
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