Is a certain character element in this extract a little jarring/ridiculous?

[Da1337dude]

Fixed.

...yeah, I'm taking it out...

 

[sr71plt]

No, I don't see whatever you think might be wrong with the description--on the basis of the context (other than the purple-white hair which reminds me of elderly bridge club ladies). You flatly state that Elaine is a ninja at least twice in the first paragraph. I don't see anything (other than the image that goes with purple-white hair) that would suggest otherwise in this extract.

 

[Da1337dude]

That again is straight from the source material, and something else I was considering changing. Edit: Purple hair is gone. She is now white-blonde.

What I worry might be jarring is that at some points, including during the sex scene, I write things along the lines of "...and then the Kunoichi/ninja did this..." and I'm thinking it might be jarring or humourous.

(imagine somebody in a ninja suit having sex! I do describe Elaine as wearing something completely different, but if that's going to be the first association in people's heads...)

 

[Paul_Chance]

Show, don't tell.

Cut out all references to her being a ninja. Reread the story. Show, don't tell.

 

[sr71plt]

That again is straight from the source material, and something else I was considering changing.

What I worry might be jarring is that at some points, including during the sex scene, I write things along the lines of "...and then the Kunoichi/ninja did this..." and I'm thinking it might be jarring or humourous.

(imagine somebody in a ninja suit having sex! I do describe Elaine as wearing something completely different, but if that's going to be the first association in people's heads...)

Well, yes, the flow and intensity of a sex scene would be jarred by a big mouthful term like "Kunoichi/ninja." But the excerpt you gave wasn't a sex scene (didn't even find a hint of erotica in it--no real words or atmosphere of sensuality).

 

[Da1337dude]

All right, I've looked over it again and it's actually fairly easy to remove all references to Kunoichi and ninja. That does leave me overusing Elaine's name, but that's a different issue and easier to solve...