A request for feedback on my first story

[NoCorrelation]

Hi all,

A couple of weeks ago I decided to write my first story, based off a conversation with an old friend. The result was a story in the BDSM category called "Pet's Doorstep Challenge".

In the last 10 days it's done better than I could have imagined (2,000 reads, 14 votes and 4.3 rating) but it's had no comments. I enjoyed writing it, but I really want to write stuff that work for other people as well as amusing my friend and me.

So... do your worst. I want to improve.

http://www.literotica.com/s/pets-doorstep-challenge

I know that the people are very... generic. I did that intentionally, hoping that it would give a relatively blank canvas for the reader to put themselves or someone else onto. Partly because I tend to think about places and people I know, and describing them in a story made me feel creepy.

 

[PennLady]

Hi NoC.

I tried to read your story -- BDSM isn't generally my preference, but I like to help when I can -- but I couldn't. Mostly it was the "you" that put me off. That won't bother everyone, of course, but I don't like it any kind of story. I don't like to be told what's happening to me (since as the reader I'm the "you"), especially in stories like this.

I will say from the few graphs I did read that I thought it was well-written, mechanics were good and the flow seemed good as well.

I'm not sure what kind of improvement you're looking for, but I wondered if you wrote something like this in first person but without the "you," it might be a different challenge. If the "you" was a person the narrator addressed and had to describe and develop for the reader, that might make a difference, both to you and the reader.

But good luck and congrats on your good scores so far.

 

[kuellar]

I just wanted to echo PennLady's suggestion of writing without the "you". This is just my opinion, but I had a look at your story and like PennLady, I had trouble with the "you". It seems to me that this style is really only suitable (in an erotic story; I guess it would be okay if you were writing a cookbook!) if you're writing for a specific person - from your description, it sounds like that's how this story started, and that's fine. But now you say you want to write stuff that works for other people as well, and I think a good first step is to avoid addressing the reader as though he/she is a character in the story. In this case the "you" is a female - how are your male readers going to relate to this? For me at least, it's difficult.

You also say you've intentionally made the characters generic to give your readers a "blank canvas" to put themselves into the story. I have to say I don't think that's the best way to go about this. Again, it's fine if you're writing this for a specific person: your characters will look like blank canvases because everything about them is already known to the intended reader. To a general reader, however... I really don't think you need to expect the reader to "put themselves" into the story in this way. You can relate to someone without imagining that you are that person, if you see what I mean. You can relate to their situation, sympathise with their predicament, understand their actions - that's how you relate to real people in the real world, so why not just make your characters "real people" instead of "blank canvases"?

That's not to say your story is terrible, by any means. It has a decent pacing (given that it's not a very complex plot), and I think your descriptions are good and visceral. And as your say your story has done pretty well, so it's obvious not everyone has difficulty with your style here. So this is just something you might want to think about when writing your next story, I guess!

Oh - and congrats on writing and submitting your first story

 

[elfin_odalisque]

I think PL and kuellar have summed it up well.

Readers are, by definition, voyeurs. We sit on the characters' shoulders - not the writer's - gawping at the action. For me,second person just doesn't work outside IM and chat lines.

I have had run-ins with people here who don't agree that new writers should be very wary before writing their first stories in first person but I suggest you prove the point.

When you say you want the protagonists to be 'generic' you are walking away from all that makes us turn the page. We must want to know what happens to the characters so you need to build empathy and emotion. The bland, two-dimensional scene you create makes me think, "so what?"

As the others have said, your writing and pacing are pretty good but I think you miss the point of why readers get caught up in a story. We are outsiders and need characterization which you choose not to give. Who are 'you' and 'I'? Do I like them? Do I care?

My opinion? Drop the 'generics' and write a story with 3-dimensional characters and I suspect you'll get a better reaction.

 

[sr71plt]

I have had run-ins with people here who don't agree that new writers should be very wary before writing their first stories in first person but I suggest you prove the point.

And you again prove the point about you being half baked. The issue/problem with this piece doesn't have anything to do with it being in the first person. It has to do with the use of directly talking to the reader as "you" as if the reader is a character in the story. There are some who like this technique and some, as expressed here, who are put off by it. It's that techinque that's the issue, though, not that the piece is in first person.

 

[PennLady]

Ha, I almost forgot it was written in first person, which often puts me off. It would seem that the technique of using "you" puts me off even more than first person. So no, I had no qualms about this being written in first person. That wasn't a problem, nor was it "wrong."

Like kuellar, I think you'd have better luck making these characters individuals and not blank canvases. One of the problems is, for example, that not everyone will want to be in this situation. They might not mind reading about it happening to a character they've grown to like or empathize with, but they don't want it happening to them. It's funny, I guess, but by using "you" and trying to make it general, you may have made it too specific to you and your friend.

 

[NoCorrelation]

Thank you!

A consensus like that can't be ignored. I'll try padding my characters out and a more traditional perspective.

It's odd, but it hadn't occurred to me that it read a little like a glorified IM cybersex until PennLady suggested it was written for my friend. In my head it was one party reminiscing rather than telling a story.

I'll post again sometime soon - but maybe this time I'll try using an editor...

 

[ituri]

feedback

hi, am writing here because i want to ask u a question. The security code asked when you want to comment is the same of that one given when becaming a member? If yes, i don't remember it. What can i do? Please email me if u have an answer. Peace.

 

[ituri]

I forget to give my email address:canossa13@gmail.com

 

[sr71plt]

I forget to give my email address

It's against the forum rules to give an e-mail address on the forum. So, don't be surprised if it gets erased. (Probably should erase it yourself if you see this.)

As far as your question, I think you can only get an answer by sending a PM (private message--upper right of this screen) to the website owners, Laurel or Manu (using those address names). Send try to reach them through any of the e-mail buttons on this site. They apparently are much too busy to check e-mails. They do respond to PMs, though.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

And you again prove the point about you being half baked. The issue/problem with this piece doesn't have anything to do with it being in the first person. It has to do with the use of directly talking to the reader as "you" as if the reader is a character in the story. There are some who like this technique and some, as expressed here, who are put off by it. It's that techinque that's the issue, though, not that the piece is in first person.

Again, you prove my point. The author says he wants generic characters - which is silly. No, as often, you miss the argument that the the author expressed

By playing with second person without deveveloping emotion destroys the story.Almost all stories here that address the reader as 'you' get panned, as you know well.

Again, this was written in IM speak which proved my point. 'You look to find fault where there is none as you are a cancer on all that is good'. Look that up in your third rate book you keep inflicting us with.

 

[Goey]

As my stories are written from actual experiences I tend to use "I"

But yeah, I find "you" annoying. It's off putting enough when I get PMs telling me how much I'm enjoying what someone is doing to me, never mind a whole story.

"You" is fine if your having an IM roleplay or something with someone but with stories I'd stay far away from it. It's incredibly hard to give "you" a character as it becomes the person reading it, no matter how well you might establish how "you" is.

Though not all stories need to spend loads of time building up character. It depends on the tale. It's fine to have characters whose emotional background hasn't been padded out if the story doesn't require it. How someone speaks and responds in a story are also great ways of getting character across without needing too much bulk. It depends on the story and what audience your after. Do you want people to care about the characters emotionally, or do you want to just let people enjoy what happened? Longer stories obviously need to establish characters well.

 

[PennLady]

Again, you prove my point. The author says he wants generic characters - which is silly. No, as often, you miss the argument that the the author expressed

Well the author asked for feedback in general and in my first post, I neglected to address the "generic character" issue. I still don't think this has anything to do with having written in first person.

I see two main problems that those who have posted seem to agree on: 1) that the "you" is off-putting and does not allow for much character development and 2) that the generic characters make for a boring story.

So you can see, no one had a problem with the first person narration. And the narration is not the issue, the generic characters are, and you can have that no matter if you use 1st or 3d person POV.

 

[sr71plt]

Again, you prove my point. The author says he wants generic characters - which is silly. No, as often, you miss the argument that the the author expressed

By playing with second person without deveveloping emotion destroys the story.Almost all stories here that address the reader as 'you' get panned, as you know well.

Again, this was written in IM speak which proved my point. 'You look to find fault where there is none as you are a cancer on all that is good'. Look that up in your third rate book you keep inflicting us with.

No, I only commented on your silly "first person" comment, which you now have compounded by referring to "playing with second person." Just because you use the word "you" doesn' t mean you are in second person. There was no playing with "second person" in this work. The technique being tried here was the narrator talking to the reader; that's a separate technique than second person. Even while taking to the reader, the perspective remained first person.

As I noted, you just are half-baked in your knowledge of writing. You are so much in a fog that most of the time you think you have a point, your point is irrelevant, if not flatly off in woowoo land.

I didn't find fault in the requested story. I didn't deal with character development at all. I found fault in one half-baked aspect of your critique. I don't have to do a full critique of the piece to see and comment on one of your half-baked comments about the piece.

 

[dfgcv]

Well the author asked for feedback in general and in my first post, I neglected to address the "generic character" issue. I still don't think this has anything to do with having written in first person.

I see two main problems that those who have posted seem to agree on: 1) that the "you" is off-putting and does not allow for much character development and 2) that the generic characters make for a boring story.