When things go wrong

[SpiritRider]

Very recently my M/s relationship ended, and not pleasantly. Mistakes were made and I've claimed all responsibilty.
What has happened in the last few days is tearing me apart. The people she has surrounded herself with now have her believing that I was not her Master but an abuser. A few of her so-called friends feel I need to be informed of what's going on and I've asked that they please stop. I refuse to get in a flame war of "he said, she said". Long before the collar, I made a promise to her that I would always be there if she needed me and that still holds true if she ever decides to contact me.
This is all playing out on everybodies favorite site...FetLife.

Not exactly sure why I'm writing this. I don't need or want validation. I'm not looking for pity or scorn.
But when you have nowhere else to turn...

EDIT...
After reading my post I felt I needed to explain something. This was NOT an online relationship. We live 6 hours apart and I made frequent trips to see her.

 

[CutieMouse]

The most common phrases on some boards at Fet are "fake", "red flag", and "abuse"...

 

[SpiritRider]

The most common phrases on some boards at Fet are "fake", "red flag", and "abuse"...

And I was foolish enough to toss aside one of those that screamed before my eyes. The flags weren't red, they were a blazing inferno.

 

[submissive_fire]

Unfortunately, some people thrive on the "poor, pitiful me" attention they receive when something goes wrong (and sometimes when it doesn't). I know it must hurt to be labeled an abuser, especially by someone you cared for. Just be thankful you are out of the situation now, rather than later.

For what it is worth, I believe you are doing the right thing by not starting the "he said/she said" war. Hold your head high and move on, it really is about all you can do.

 

[seela]

In my pretty limited experience of BDSM communities a lot of submissive women there are sort of prone to drama. I'm not saying all of them are, or even most, but a lot of those that I've met certainly have been.

That's also one reason I retired very early from my local community. I just don't want to deal with constant rumors about this and that and he said she said pissing contests. When some helpful people in my community found out who I'm dating, or whatever, I got subjected to a ton of rumors how he's an evil abuser and I should run like the wind while I still can. After six years I'm still happy that I trusted my own gut and left the community as soon as I did.

But yeah, I don't think there's much you can do about it. If someone rather listens to rumors than actually gets to know you and trusts their gut feeling about your claimed abuser-ness, I don't know if they were worth the trouble to begin with.

 

[eastern sun]

This happened to a friend of mine on fetlife. He got caught up in the drama, and pursued another relationship publicly which ended up fueling the flame war as everyone sought to warn her of his abusiveness. His new friend came under the protection of another dom who called him out and it got pretty ugly in the forum while nothing was happening in real life at all.

Anyway, after that he laid low, kept his life private, and is now back together with the two women (it was a poly arrangement) who originally called him abuser and now consider him their lifelong partner.

 

[eastern sun]

I don't mean to be insensitive to your situation, but it can be a problem when mistakes are made in an M/s relationship.

It's one reason why you've got to find or build a reasonable community who can help both M and s "recover" from a difficult situation they willingly walked into.

I don't think that community can be found online.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Fetlife has been great for some things: arranging meetups, making contact with my local community, coordinating potlucks.

It's been totally a piece of shit for social interactions.

 

[loquere]

If I’ve learned anything from law school it’s DENY EVERYTHING!

 

[desertslave]

First, my condolences on the unfortunate end of your relationship. Regardless of the circumstances, it almost always hurts in one way or another.

Second, IMO you're taking the very sensible high ground by not participating in the public autopsy of your relationship.

Third, small comfort, this kind of stuff plays out on many forums, not just BDSM. I'm involved with an artist's forum where many folks have become good online friends. Whenever someone voices a doubt/dissatisfaction/concern about a relationship, all of the experts come out and voice their opinions, which WILL, each and every time, range from 'divorce the SOB now' to 'poor darling, he's misunderstood and you're being a bitch.' I swear, whatever piece of information is proffered, these will be the guaranteed responses.

 

[SpiritRider]

Figured I better hop back in here and comment.

First, this was never an online only relationship. Main reason we spent online was because we live 6 hours apart.
Second, I still refuse to jump into the bullshit.
Third...and this is the really fun part...over the last day and a half I've received 2 death threats on my cellphone and someone contacted my employer, which for right now has cost me my job.
The cellphone messages have been turned over to the proper authorities and the union I belong to has filed a grievance on my behalf for my job.

Lucky for me, I already had a concealed weapon license. Now the 9mm goes everywhere.

 

[SpiritRider]

If I’ve learned anything from law school it’s DENY EVERYTHING!

If there was anything to deny then I'd face the consequences, but since there isn't how about not making stupid ass comments.

 

[missgiter]

So sorry..

Sorry for what you're going through. What a terrible way to end things. I hope you can find some reprieve for all the crap that's going on, and hopefully she'll find a new life soon and leave yours be. Sorry I don't have any other advice. Have a good day ~

-a

 

[SpiritRider]

Sorry for what you're going through. What a terrible way to end things. I hope you can find some reprieve for all the crap that's going on, and hopefully she'll find a new life soon and leave yours be. Sorry I don't have any other advice. Have a good day ~

-a

Thank you.

All I can really say is it doesn't have to be true, the accusation is enough.

 

[missgiter]

I've been on the accused side of a bad situation, and it's never a good place to be. Hope it gets better soon.

 

[SpiritRider]

It's one reason why you've got to find or build a reasonable community who can help both M and s "recover" from a difficult situation they willingly walked into.

Yep, she offered someone local as a mediator and I was leary of him even before. Now...he's her "protector" and has done rope and spanking scenes with her.
Some mediator, huh?

 

[SpiritRider]

By the way, If anyone here wants, I'm HarleyWolf on Fet. If you do contact me please mention you're from here as I'm leary of talking to or adding people at the moment.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Yep, she offered someone local as a mediator and I was leary of him even before. Now...he's her "protector" and has done rope and spanking scenes with her.
Some mediator, huh?

Crappy boundaries, this dude. Shame on him. An amateur mediator has no training to be aware of things like transference and suchlike.

 

[MoonlessNight]

I'm so sorry you have to go through this situation. Continue to keep your head up. I hope everything works out just fine for you.

P.s. I can not believe it's escalated to the point of death threats and you losing your job...

 

[SpiritRider]

I'm so sorry you have to go through this situation. Continue to keep your head up. I hope everything works out just fine for you.

P.s. I can not believe it's escalated to the point of death threats and you losing your job...

Thank you
I've got a few close friends, both local and online, that are helping with the heads up and keeping me level.

I've never hidden my life from anyone, including family, so it wasn't hard to find things out.
The death threats aren't a problem. I had stopped answering my cell so the voice mails were turned over to authorities, besides the fact that I already had a concealed weapons permit. Now the 9mm just stays a bit closer.
As far as the job goes, yes, calling them went way beyond sanity, but as far as the union can find there's no morality clause in the contract. lol

 

[MoonlessNight]

Thank you
I've got a few close friends, both local and online, that are helping with the heads up and keeping me level.

I've never hidden my life from anyone, including family, so it wasn't hard to find things out.
The death threats aren't a problem. I had stopped answering my cell so the voice mails were turned over to authorities, besides the fact that I already had a concealed weapons permit. Now the 9mm just stays a bit closer.
As far as the job goes, yes, calling them went way beyond sanity, but as far as the union can find there's no morality clause in the contract. lol

That's good to hear. You need good friends at a time like this. Calling your job was wayyy over the line. I'm not sure what to think about that one. Where they just trying to screw you over any way they could?

 

[SpiritRider]

That's good to hear. You need good friends at a time like this. Calling your job was wayyy over the line. I'm not sure what to think about that one. Where they just trying to screw you over any way they could?

I'm the anti-christ at the moment. lol
Seriously, I don't think she put anybody up to it. From what I can tell it's just the frickin idiots thinking they're protecting her honor or some other crap. Not that that makes her less responsible, because posting things like that will definitely bring out the crazies.

Live and learn...but it still won't make me hide myself.

 

[SpiritRider]

After 30 something years in and out of this lifestyle can someone please explain something. Maybe I've been confused all this time but what does "Protector" mean to you?
Do they watch over someone or is it a physical relationship?

Yep, the shit just keeps rolling in.

 

[eastern sun]

My understanding of "protector" as it plays out on fetlife has been that it is a mentor-like position with a bit of bouncer thrown in. Usually, but not necessarily, an experienced dominant who is watching out for a new submissive as they enter the lifestyle. Primarily to make sure that predators know someone's got their back, so to speak.

But I'll be honest. I've always been suspect of "protectors" who become play partners, though I can understand how it happens.

 

[Yourneighbor]

Subscribing to this thread.

Back in the mid 1990s I was fairly heavily involved in the "online" BDSM community (IRC and Yahoo). It was for me, a nice source of a number of meetups and munches (back when people understood the term "munch" to be not a meet and greet dinner at some restaurant, but a "play party") including one connection that became a full fledged live-in relationship (with D/s) that lasted nearly 10 years.

The "online" community back then was ALSO a huge source of drama with the unemployed and SAHMs having little else to do but chitchat away every day and stoke up drama.

All of the things said here about FetLife were true of the online community I knew of years ago, and that saddens me. I only recently became active in the online world again and thus only recently found FetLife. I was hoping it would be a good way to find out about the local scene and possibly connect with some people who had creative ideas and such - the only thing it seems that surpasses humanity's ability to think up creative ways to kill each other is our ability to think up creative ways to fuck each other.

To the OP, sorry to hear that this all went pear shaped on you, that sucks. Sounds like a raw deal.