The Author's Hangout Vending Machine

[SailorJerry]

it turns out to be scalpel.

I put in a whetstone

Which I use to sharpen my wit.

I put in an annoyingly low ceiling beam, right in front of the self serve bar, down at the local pub.

 

[Handley_Page]

Which I use to sharpen my wit.

I put in an annoyingly low ceiling beam, right in front of the self serve bar, down at the local pub.

The law of diminishing returns is proved when Beer ceases to be an anaesthetic.



I put in a "Stargate Motor"

 

[SailorJerry]

The law of diminishing returns is proved when Beer ceases to be an anaesthetic.

I put in a "Stargate Motor"

Cool! I use it to produce Brown's Gas.

I put in an inquisitive letter from Amelia Earhart's boarding kennel.

 

[Handley_Page]

Cool! I use it to produce Brown's Gas.

I put in an inquisitive letter from Amelia Earhart's boarding kennel.

It's the Bill for the funeral of her late Dog.

I put in a blackbird's nest

 

[SailorJerry]

It's the Bill for the funeral of her late Dog.

I put in a blackbird's nest

but Heckle and Jeckle just stare at the single bed, then each other, and then back at the single bed....

I put in a spare cot.

 

[Handley_Page]

but Heckle and Jeckle just stare at the single bed, then each other, and then back at the single bed....

I put in a spare cot.

And you get a new, rusty, cotter pin

I put in an empty coffee mug

 

[SailorJerry]

And you get a new, rusty, cotter pin

I put in an empty coffee mug

which is quietly filled with Caol Isla.

I put in a kitchen party.

 

[Handley_Page]

which is quietly filled with Caol Isla.

I put in a kitchen party.

and all the decent knives vanish


I put in a damaged hard disk drive

 

[Tio_Narratore]

and all the decent knives vanish


I put in a damaged hard disk drive

and your recovered files are all jumbled together.

I put in a cute filing secretary...

 

[stickygirl]

and your recovered files are all jumbled together.

I put in a cute filing secretary...

and you get acute appendicitis

I put in a pantomime horse

 

[Handley_Page]

and you get acute appendicitis

I put in a pantomime horse

but the arse at the back is absent.


I put in a plastic duck

 

[Tio_Narratore]

but the arse at the back is absent.


I put in a plastic duck

and you get a very tough volaille de l'orange for dinner.

I put in a glass of vintage Thunderbird white wine...

 

[Handley_Page]

and you get a very tough volaille de l'orange for dinner.

I put in a glass of vintage Thunderbird white wine...

But the vinegar fly's got at it!


I put in a tin of English Treacle

 

[Tio_Narratore]

But the vinegar fly's got at it!


I put in a tin of English Treacle

and get a molasses well.

I put in a bottle of rum...

 

[Handley_Page]

and get a molasses well.

I put in a bottle of rum...

and you get a rousing chorus of "15 men on a dead man's chest."


I put in a Black Flag.

 

[Tio_Narratore]

and you get a rousing chorus of "15 men on a dead man's chest."


I put in a Black Flag.

and the bugs all drop dead.

I put in a vegan environmentalist...

 

[stickygirl]

and the bugs all drop dead.

I put in a vegan environmentalist...

and you get a bowl of green porridge

I put in a sporran

 

[Handley_Page]

and you get a bowl of green porridge

I put in a sporran

and you get a Note from the late Badger's lawyers seeking compensation.


I put in a fishing rod

 

[SailorJerry]

and you get a Note from the late Badger's lawyers seeking compensation.

I put in a fishing rod

And you get a copy of The Old Man and the Sea, autographed by Papa posthumously.

I put in a case of Prometheus Syndrone. You know, when you destroy your liver on a Friday night, and it repairs itself by early Saturday afternoon.

 

[Tio_Narratore]

And you get a copy of The Old Man and the Sea, autographed by Papa posthumously.

I put in a case of Prometheus Syndrone. You know, when you destroy your liver on a Friday night, and it repairs itself by early Saturday afternoon.

and you get an ashram specializing in transcendental distillation.

I put in a pint of good drinking whisky...

 

[Handley_Page]

and you get an ashram specializing in transcendental distillation.

I put in a pint of good drinking whisky...

but it evaporates all too quickly


I put in a bottle of real Caribbean White Rum.

 

[desertslave]

but it evaporates all too quickly


I put in a bottle of real Caribbean White Rum.

And you get a vampire bat

I put in a pint of fresh O neg.

 

[mynameisben]

And you get a vampire bat

I put in a pint of fresh O neg.

And you get back a "be positive" attitude.

I put in a hard day's work.

 

[Handley_Page]

And you get back a "be positive" attitude.

I put in a hard day's work.

that is unpaid


I put in a bowl of cold Custard.

 

[SailorJerry]

that is unpaid

I put in a bowl of cold Custard.

but you get a stubborn child that won't eat anything unrelated to dinosaurs or transformers.

I put in an early bedtime.