A Rant on the Perniciousness of "Damaged" Characters in BDSM Stories

[desertslave]

Gentle (or not) readers,

I've read 50 Shades and many other novels; I've seen The Secretary and several other films. I'm getting profoundly annoyed with the creators' subtext that either the dom, sub, or both are not right in some emotional way, and that they seem to have to be so in order to enjoy a BDSM relationship.

I'm not saying that all media always assert this, or that it's never true in reality, but I'm seeing an annoying trend.

It just pisses me off that the implication the masses are getting is warped in this way. Is it supposed to help them to understand WIITWD? Enable them to parse it better because "poor dears had a rough time that rendered them abnormal." It seems as though the damage is supposed to be an excuse for otherwise-unacceptable or unfathomable behavior. Would it be that scary for a normal, red-blooded guy (maybe even the captain of the football team) to enjoy a full-out spanking (given or received)? Is it that hard to imagine that the soccer mom and PTA president is a slut with a penchant for needleplay when she's not pouring juice at the spring carnival?

Am I the only one seeing this and becoming overly sensitive about it?

I suppose I should wonder if it's even really a problem, but I've already made that decision. I just hate the idea that, should I ever be out (voluntarily or not), someone will inevitably wonder what went so horribly wrong in my childhood to make me "like that." Hrmph!

 

[Stella_Omega]

welcome to the real world, darling. You're a sexual outlaw.

Contrary to your expectations, BDSM is not, and will never be in our lifetime, a readily accepted relationship or sexual preference.

It's just not going to happen.

My advice is: keep it to yourself and don't kneel at your boyfriend's feet in front of your aunt and uncle.

 

[Daddy2mylilgirl]

It's fiction.

 

[TexasWife25]

I would say your average person simply has no way to correlate their personal sex lives with BDSM and so they do have to justify the personal choices of others in attempt to understand them.

Edit

I also think its human nature. When something is so opposite of your personal preferences, the 1st thing you think is "Why would she/he like that?"

 

[TorontoBoyWest]

I don't think the ham & eggers can "see" the equality in a BDSM relationship because it is not their reality of what equal is.

For them then the idea must follow that something is "wrong" with these people.

 

[FurryFury]

There are rules with deviant peoples being allowed to become more tolerated and mainstream.

First they are shown as totally fucked up emotionally usually due to abuse as children and/or murderers or molesters themselves, and/or have tragic endings in media.

Eventually they are shown to be happy and healthy in media but this takes a loooooong damn time. We are not there yet.

It's debatable if we really want to be "there" in media either. Just saying.

I agree it currently sucks and not in a good sensation way.

 

[njlauren]

Debates like this have been going on for a long time, including if BD/SM becoming mainstream would be a good thing or not, since part of the appeal can be it being somewhat outlaw (kind of like when accountants and the like started buying bad ass bikes and parading around in leathers and such, it was kind of pathetic). I remember when Madonna's "Sex" book came out, and you would see these 20 something Madonna-ites when NYC still had more then a few S/M clubs around, hanging out there because "Madonna made them curious", and it wasn't well received because frankly they weren't really interested, they were there to be 'cool' and so forth (I knew S/M was doomed when the Vault moved from the meatpacking district uptown, and they suddenly started having Japanese tourists hanging out there and were selling T shirts, no shit, saying "I survived The Vault" and the like.....).

I understand the sensitivity but quite frankly I don't think books like 50 shades are going to make people less understanding of BD/SM or give them more of a negative perception then they already have; too, I think most people reading it realize it is a book of fiction (my one real hope is if the NY Post is correct and from what I have heard from people who run adult stores and even hardware store owners, they are seeing increases in sales for BD/SM stuff , rope, etc, I mean significant, which means people are actually trying this stuff, which only can be a positive IMO; the movie rights just sold for 3 million bucks, and if the movie does the same thing, it could have the opposite effect, since people trying it are not going to see themselves as abnormal for doing it). It is much like gay and lesbian characters in books, it wasn't so long ago they were all flamboyant hairdressers, the gay women were all bull dykes entrapping young straight girls and so forth. Thing is, there aren't that many mainstream books with S/M in them, and in the adult romance area dedicated to BD/SM related stuff, a lot of the people are pretty normal *shrug*. While I am not happy with the portrayals I sometimes see, I am a lot more concerned about real life stuff with BD/SM, like idiots like Dr. Drew Pinsky or that moron that used to be on Oprah's show (Dr. Phil) and the like, or law enforcement people like Linda Fairstein in NYC, who think BD/SM is always abuse or done by sick people, they are a lot more damaging.

 

[Netzach]

Sadly, politically empowering portrayals of people having happy shiny good times make for boring reading. Seriously. I've often joked that my sex life at its best would be the shittiest ever tell-all book.

I do want flaws. I just think it's easy to make the flaws a cliche. Which makes for boring reading.

One of the few movies about sexuality that I really like is shortbus. Those people are all pretty fucked up, but in very believable and real ways which evoke identification. It's not about SM, it's about sexuality as a means of communication or lack thereof.

I don't expect to see what I want to see about my desires on screen. I take what I can. A brutal beatdown in a cop show here, a bout of advice from the All Seeing Witch there. I'm surprised when people actually demand that books and movies talk to THEM without having to make up their own counternarratives and hidden narratives. Shit, how does anyone watch any iteration of Star Trek without the pleasure of slash inside your own head?

I don't mind if the mass murderer is gay or an SM pactitioner, but are you doing this in a way that's cheap and stupid or a way that works?

 

[WickedSpitFire]

Evening folks. New to the BDSM boards. Although not necessarily new to Lit. I took a hiatus, during which I found BDSM. Only makes sense I'd find my way to this corner of Lit upon my return, I suppose.

I tried to read 50 Shades of Grey. I really did. I just found it so awful...humorously awful, mind you, but awful to the point where I simply couldn't get through it. Mainstream public doesn't know what to think or what to expect of us, and in my opinion, the LAST thing they need is to expect is that it's anything like that stupid book.

That was my two cents. On to the ranting portion. It really depends on where you look, these days. You don't necessarily always find damaged characters. I remember the show Kink, with subjects and music and whatever else that were mashed together (likely intentionally) in a not so attractive light. I'm interested in the upcoming show Taboo, however, as the subjects are portrayed very attractively. At least in advertisements. I suppose we'll see.

Anyway. Also looking to music...it was disappointing to me that Rihanna came out with that song after having a relationship with an abusive boyfriend. As if the stereotypical image needed any assistance. But..that's not always the case. I just recently watched "Not Myself Tonight," the video by Christina Aguilera...needless to say, I was a little shocked.

Point being...I think it depends on where you look, these days, whether you'll find stories (fictional or otherwised) with "damaged" subjects, participants, characters, etc.

 

[Stella_Omega]

I don't mind if the mass murderer is gay or an SM pactitioner, but are you doing this in a way that's cheap and stupid...?

It's not that the mass murderer is gay,or does SM-- but that the gay guy or the SM practitioner is always the mass murderer.

Unless they are the murder victims, that's another popular fate for the non-normatives.

 

[desertslave]

It's not that the mass murderer is gay,or does SM-- but that the gay guy or the SM practitioner is always the mass murderer.

Unless they are the murder victims, that's another popular fate for the non-normatives.

And yet in reality so many of the murderers are "the quiet person next door, who never bothered anyone."

 

[Netzach]

It's not that the mass murderer is gay,or does SM-- but that the gay guy or the SM practitioner is always the mass murderer.

Unless they are the murder victims, that's another popular fate for the non-normatives.

Pretty much. I just scan the detectives for the homo subtext and it's sometimes still popcorn-able.

Let's face it. Most cultural output is pretty crap. Some of it shows me back to myself in a cartoon positive way that makes me wish me-like-beings could just be the mass murderer again, and sometimes there's every trope in the book there, but it's still art, and I can still stand it - some of it shows me back to myself in a way that inspires me and feels like I'm not the only me-ish being in the galaxy AND it's also art. Every once in a while. And that's awesome.

It's not that she's a cutter in Secretary that bothers me, or that he's an anal retentive weirdo. It's that the way her cutting plays out is so improbable - that's when things fall down for me, not when they're negative, but when I fail to "buy in"

 

[BiBunny]

I think the desire for kinky people to pretend that we're all paragons of mental health is just as annoying and a lot more ignorant.

ETA: Re: what Netz said about Secretary. I agree. I disliked the movie because none of the characters were sympathetic in the least.

 

[Netzach]

I think the desire for kinky people to pretend that we're all paragons of mental health is just as annoying and a lot more ignorant.

I think it's unrealistic also.

I think that there's a price you pay when you're marginalized heavily. I think a lot of people ARE into the things they are into as a way to own trauma or negative shit. I think that a lot of people are marginalized economically by the prospect of the closet. I wish this could be dealt with artistically.

I want to read Anna Karenina. I want to live Rubber Sluts 3.

 

[Netzach]

I think the desire for kinky people to pretend that we're all paragons of mental health is just as annoying and a lot more ignorant.

ETA: Re: what Netz said about Secretary. I agree. I disliked the movie because none of the characters were sympathetic in the least.

Really?

I actually liked that movie. I thought the moment when she yells "because I don't WANT to!" to be really missing from a lot of internal discussions about kink, and really kind of arresting.

 

[BiBunny]

I think it's unrealistic also.

I think that there's a price you pay when you're marginalized heavily. I think a lot of people ARE into the things they are into as a way to own trauma or negative shit. I think that a lot of people are marginalized economically by the prospect of the closet. I wish this could be dealt with artistically.

I want to read Anna Karenina. I want to live Rubber Sluts 3.

I'm ok with being abnormal. I wish other people could be, too.

Really?

I actually liked that movie. I thought the moment when she yells "because I don't WANT to!" to be really missing from a lot of internal discussions about kink, and really kind of arresting.

Disclaimer: It's been awhile since I watched it, and a lot of my memory about the past several years is just flat out gone.

But I remember thinking they were both kind of whiny and annoying. Any further analysis I could give you would require watching the movie again, LOL.

 

[Licia]

I have yet to hear novel tale of a dominant woman who is not submissive to at least one other person: those gals usually hang in fantasy monster genre. And that spells irony, methinks. Or I haven't read enough.

Besides, who in the world would be interested in a Lilith Fair?

I doubt my proclivities will ever be judged normal by society.

I have enough of my own business to worry about.

 

[Stella_Omega]

I have yet to hear novel tale of a dominant woman who is not submissive to at least one other person: those gals usually hang in fantasy monster genre. And that spells irony, methinks. Or I haven't read enough.
...

Now I feel bad-- pretty much all of my women switch at least once. Flipping the top onto her back is a favorite trope of mine.
Although, Despina is never, ever, submissive now that I think of it.

I doubt my proclivities will ever be judged normal by society.

I have enough of my own business to worry about.

Not in your lifetime, anyway.

 

[Licia]

Now I feel bad-- pretty much all of my women switch at least once. Flipping the top onto her back is a favorite trope of mine.
Although, Despina is never, ever, submissive now that I think of it.

Aww, nothing to feel bad about. Most dominant woman probably try to fit into a conventional role. If switching is your type of sex fantasy and action that makes you purr, definitely don't feel guilt via projection?

Not in your lifetime, anyway.

Hell, no. People are still fighting for their basic human rights, and that's a truer tragedy.

 

[Desiremakesmeweak]

fashions stay the same, more or less

Hi there.

Yes I have to agree with the thread originator, although knowing just a tiny little about film production, I accept that to get anything 'up' into the mainstream releases these days is a minor miracle because of the committees of facile accountants that preside on every 'go' decision. The problem being of course though, in this particular matter, the broader public may get the notion into their heads that 'this world/lifestyle/sexual lifestyle' immediately implies 'damaged person.'

Frankly, in all the years I've seen this and/or that, what has truly irritated me most of all are the significant numbers of ordinary/'normal' and definitely NOT scene people who enter or try to enter or act as if they are really into this stuff - either for sex or attention (valid enough I guess too because humans do this) - and THOSE 'NORMAL' PEOPLE ARE TOTALLY DAMAGED/FLAWED/WHATEVER from what I have been able to observe.

Style is different from fashion however; it's always the fashion that the majority are conservative and boring. And it's always 'fashion' that tries to imitate or follow style.

 

[Primalex]

And yet in reality so many of the murderers are "the quiet person next door, who never bothered anyone."

and posted on Lit instead.

 

[Primalex]

I think the desire for kinky people to pretend that we're all paragons of mental health is just as annoying and a lot more ignorant.

Amen.

 

[His_pet_slut]

I wanted to read Fifty Shades, but I couldn't get past the really bad Harlequin Romance with some kink thrown in. It was truly painful and I gave up after 3 chapters. I have never watched a movie I felt was better than the book. Perhaps this will prove the exception.

S~

 

[Stella_Omega]

The one movie I can think of that was better than the book, more literate, more nuanced-- funnier-- was "Babe."

 

[His_pet_slut]

The one movie I can think of that was better than the book, more literate, more nuanced-- funnier-- was "Babe."

hmmm, seems like I watched that with a lot of other people present. I'll have to watch it again and see what I think.