Feedback on a Non consent story

[lovecraft68]

I notice that most of the people here looking for feedback are newer authors. I've been here a couple of years now, but would still like to put one up here to see what folks think.

Reason being I used to get a lot of remarks criticizing certain things in my writing. So now that its been awhile I'm looking to see if anything has improved or changed. My grammar is still off-although nowhere near as bad as it was, and I have all but given up looking for an editor at this point so I do what I can.

This is a non-consent piece, but what I would consider a softer one. If you're a fan of a rough rape type scenario, this most likely will not be to your liking. It's more a sleazy "what are you going to do for it" piece.

So far the votes and score are decent, but only a few comments and I'm looking for specifics.

So here's the kink, feel free to tell me what you think, good, bad or indifferent.

http://www.literotica.com/s/sweet-reluctance

 

[MaxSebastian]

It's probably not my usual cup of tea, the guy was pretty creepy though I suppose at the end of the day his partners in each case did consent for their own reasons.

I think this story read well once we got to the start of the actual sex. You give us a disclaimer warning that you usually do a slow build-up, but I like a slow build-up. This beginning was a stodgy swamp to get through before the pace kicked in.

You basically had the two main characters sitting there doing nothing but look at each other as the narrator described the focys of his attention with excessive detail, then flooded us with exposition about his previous encounter with a semi-consensual submissive younger woman.

It really sabotaged the pace, and your even-sized overly long paragraphs other than the dialogue did not help the eye much either.

I'm not sure what the answer is for this story, but you need a little more action early on, and perhaps drop in some brief recalls of the previous encounter as Tammy reminds him of aspects of that occasion as she is interacting with him in the present.

Slow build up for me still means something is happening, not just a load of description and characters looking at each other. For me a slow build-up in a good erotic story just means that it takes a while for the actual sex to get going because the characters take time to get into it first, flirting, kissing, teasing, foreplay, developing the chemistry before the real pay-off comes.

So, I think the first page was the problem, the sex was pretty hot with the assumption that this was essentially consensual when you got down to it (I'm not in to non-con stuff, probably would have given this a miss if you hadn't said it was mild).

A more active start, some easier to read paragraphing, and you might have got through the expositional material a little better, but other than the odd typo your writing is pretty good and I enjoyed the latter three quarters.

Hope that was constructive!

 

[lovecraft68]

Thank you for taking the time. Wordiness has always been my biggest problem. Still there I guess.

I'll go back through the original doc and make an effort to shorten/or spice the start up a little.

 

[estragon]

LC68, as you know NonC/Reluc is not my kind of genre, so I won't comment. All I'll do is ask again (although you did say "no" the first time I asked you) that you write another story as good as "Home is Where the Heart Is". That was a total winner.

 

[lovecraft68]

LC68, as you know NonC/Reluc is not my kind of genre, so I won't comment. All I'll do is ask again (although you did say "no" the first time I asked you) that you write another story as good as "Home is Where the Heart Is". That was a total winner.

Well it might have been had a certain someone not cheated me.

Think he's regretting that yet?

Thank you for the compliment on the story though.

Pretty ironic that you and many others think its me best because I wrote it as a throwaway.

 

[LittleCarol]

Overall, the grammar is OK. In the second sentence, there is no such word as " me's ". Break that up into two parts - she sat in front of me, her heart was pounding.

The moral of your story is, "Men are pigs and women are sluts."

If there isn't supposed to be a moral, if it's just supposed to be porn, then skip the whole opening part. He's horny, she needs money, sex, The End.

But there is a moral. The man is a nasty piece of work, and ultimately, the woman doesn't care. If you want this to be a better piece of literature, maybe work on those characters. Maybe he has a criminal record due to his proclivities. Maybe later she blackmails the guy. Maybe she goes back to her dorm room and says, "Ha, I took the old fart for 1000 bucks!"

I think you tried to flesh out the characters, and you have opportunities for some twists.

 

[lovecraft68]

Thank you for that remark!

I am going to print it and stick it on my wife's forehead!

I had 2 endings to this story. One was the one you read, but the3 second had Tammy starting to laugh at him when she got the money.

When Josh asked her what was so funny, she puts on the pout, makes her lip tremble and starts whimpering "but I've never done that before, oh please sir!"

long story short she knew he was a pig and would offer her the money so she played her part so she used him (although he had a good time regardless but it would have ruined it for him knowing she was not that innocent)

But I was undecided and the other half thought her being okay with it would have ticked off the "reluctance" crowd. Now I wonder.

Thanks again for your comment

 

[elfin_odalisque]

LC, a little bird told me there was a gay pilot out there who thought he was hot stuff as an editor - as long as you agreed with him.

Forget the grammar glitches, you're getting better. I think Max summed things up pretty well, though. The first page is not a slow build-up: just slow with no action. You hit us with a wall of description and recollection set in aspic which, IMO, could be better handled with diffident dialogue with Tammy and I having more general memories of his 'Slow Reluctance' fetish. Susan is a distraction.

A slow build-up is great but that means action (non-sexual) and dialogue.

When you get to the sex, I think you confuse the tempo a tad. There is exciting dialogue and conflict between Tammy and I but which is bogged down by long paragraphs when I wants us to hear his thoughts and destroys the pace of the encounter.

It's like Italian opera. You start slow - piano - then with accelerando move up to 'forte'. You don't get a pause for someone to explain himself. It chills the passion.

I still wish I could write an NC as well. Congrats.

 

[sr71plt]

And so here's a very good example of what I was posting to the "Scouries is a fake" thread on the AH. For six years I have consistently stood up here for the author's own decisions and voice as possible in the editorial process and stated and restated the editor's motto of "first do no harm"--that the editor's job is do as little as needed to establish a work that flows and doesn't take the reader's attention away from the storyline. I also have had no part in this thread--which, in contrast to what Elfin has posted elsewhere on the "death" of this subforum, is cooking along nicely. I haven't posted to it or about this work of LC's, either on content or technicals.

And so, Elfin opens her post by bringing me into this thread, creating a false foundation for discussion/criticism out of sand, and running nastily away from there. It's toothless. If she'd chosen to attack me on something I'd actually said or done, it might have a bit of bite to it. As it is, it only shows Elfin for what she is.

Back to those who want to help LC on this work and not to tee off irrelevantly (and in crazy obsession) on others?

 

[elfin_odalisque]

sr, you prove the case against you out of your own mouth. I make a gentle tease against you to make LC smile and you bristle like a rabid porcupine.

Whatever the value, at least I gave my 2 ¢ as requested. Something I see you are far too scouries-like to lower yourself to.

 

[lovecraft68]

LC, a little bird told me there was a gay pilot out there who thought he was hot stuff as an editor - as long as you agreed with him.

Forget the grammar glitches, you're getting better. I think Max summed things up pretty well, though. The first page is not a slow build-up: just slow with no action. You hit us with a wall of description and recollection set in aspic which, IMO, could be better handled with diffident dialogue with Tammy and I having more general memories of his 'Slow Reluctance' fetish. Susan is a distraction.

A slow build-up is great but that means action (non-sexual) and dialogue.

When you get to the sex, I think you confuse the tempo a tad. There is exciting dialogue and conflict between Tammy and I but which is bogged down by long paragraphs when I wants us to hear his thoughts and destroys the pace of the encounter.

It's like Italian opera. You start slow - piano - then with accelerando move up to 'forte'. You don't get a pause for someone to explain himself. It chills the passion.

I still wish I could write an NC as well. Congrats.

If you look above I mention I had a different ending for this. I was unsure and turned to the other half for advice.

I had another "crossroads" before this. I was debating the Susan flashback. I even have a draft with it, not in there.

So this thread is serving its purpose for me. The Susan was a mistake(it added to the length and part of why the first part dragged) and I still have a problem with being wordy for lack of a better term.

As for the Pilot remark, that one got past me, I don't think I have ever asked or he has ever offered any editing advice on anything I've written

good thing for him, I'd probably give him a seizure.

 

[nakdsub]

Okay, I'm not getting in the middle of this one...

Back to "Sweet Reluctance." I thought it was done very, very well. The usual problem I see in most non-consent stories is the immediate morph to consent, usually as soon as play time begins. This was very well done. You could feel the young lady's pain as she sat looking at the envelope containing her future. You could feel her insides pulling at her from two different directions.

I felt sorry for her when she makes the self deprecating statement that she is a slut.

Although, most of the time I can take or leave a non-consent story, I enjoyed this.

Good work!

 

[elfin_odalisque]

The sr tease when you said you couldn't find an editor was supposed to make you smile. That failed but the old scaly dragon emerged from his cage, not to give advice but to do a Carly Simon - "You prolly think this thread is about me."

His wise counsel was well worth waiting for !!

To repeat something I said, I do feel in the climax scene with Tammy, you often get us excited with dialogue then slam on the brakes. You need to control the tempo between the two.

 

[desertslave]

I enjoyed it, and I have to say Non-Con isn't usually my thing. Maybe if there were more stories like this one I might reconsider.

Yes, you could use some editing, but most of it is pretty simple stuff. I've read published books with more errors. Maybe I should become an editor (in my vast spare time LOL).

 

[lovecraft68]

I enjoyed it, and I have to say Non-Con isn't usually my thing. Maybe if there were more stories like this one I might reconsider.

Yes, you could use some editing, but most of it is pretty simple stuff. I've read published books with more errors. Maybe I should become an editor (in my vast spare time LOL).

Thank you, glad you enjoyed it. We share the same taste as this is my type of non consent stories, but its hard to find them without stumbling into the more rape related type stories.

Thanks again for the nice comment.

 

[Metamorphose]

Loved it - gave you the 5 stars

The good:

Conflict is there,
The Non Con is hot
Nice descriptive
Tight dialog
Hot - totally hot.

The bad:

Plot seemed a bit contrived in the part where she agreed for the sex, even though you stretched the scene, wasnt believable. And She could probably sue him for a 100k.

Characters - totally flat. Stereotypical characters and arch-typical characters are good for the plot. But a dirty old man and a young innocent Amish like imbecile going over to the cliche side of the fence.

Sum it up - Its a good story compared to most here but you can do better. I'm from the school that believes a story evolves around characters.