could you go vanilla?
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Loverskitten
I bite
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Ya know, probably not because typically the vanilla partner is turned off by the kinky one. Well, that has been my experience.
Now, finding a vanilla who is curious and open, YES! YES! YES!
Well, I ask because of a guy who has 'getting Dominated' as more of a fetish than him being submissive. Thus me wondering if being with a guy who's neither sub or maso could work for me.
So the scared-of-kink issue is a non-issue
Stella_Omega
No Gentleman
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That is a question you will have to answer for yourself.
Do you limit your play to people you are in a relationship with?
D
Daddy2mylilgirl
Guest
Oof. Stella's raised the 50k question.
Vanilla would only work for me as long as I had others as play partners. The hubs would suffer in the closet with a vanilla partner forever. We're both sexually open, kinky individuals; however, bdsm has been an evolutionary process for the both of us. Even before we had a grasp of who we were as individuals, other folks participated in our disjointed lifestlye, and it's taken a very long 15 years to understand who we are as indiviuals muchless as a couple. Still, there are venues to explore.
I doubt everyone would be up for that sort of "sport". A person has to decide what and whom is worth the time and effort. Me? I'm just damned stubborn and determined; had to learn not to transform into stupid.
Or have I? *laughs at self*
The hubs' domination started as fetish/fantasy for him. I'm predisposed to the "position". My thoughts on the subject: oh, won't it be fun to turn his world upside down! I bet he will even see women much differently as the adventure unfolds. He really has been interested in my sexual pleasure over the years--we'll see how it goes.
*shrugs*
Maybe that sounds ridiculous. I took a risk. So has he.
Before you make a solid decision, make sure you balance worth and well-being on the scale.
My guy is a Masosade--very few are capable of pushing his sub button, though.
Vanilla would only work for me as long as I had others as play partners. The hubs would suffer in the closet with a vanilla partner forever. We're both sexually open, kinky individuals; however, bdsm has been an evolutionary process for the both of us. Even before we had a grasp of who we were as individuals, other folks participated in our disjointed lifestlye, and it's taken a very long 15 years to understand who we are as indiviuals muchless as a couple. Still, there are venues to explore.
I doubt everyone would be up for that sort of "sport". A person has to decide what and whom is worth the time and effort. Me? I'm just damned stubborn and determined; had to learn not to transform into stupid.
Or have I? *laughs at self*
The hubs' domination started as fetish/fantasy for him. I'm predisposed to the "position". My thoughts on the subject: oh, won't it be fun to turn his world upside down! I bet he will even see women much differently as the adventure unfolds. He really has been interested in my sexual pleasure over the years--we'll see how it goes.
*shrugs*
Maybe that sounds ridiculous. I took a risk. So has he.
Before you make a solid decision, make sure you balance worth and well-being on the scale.
My guy is a Masosade--very few are capable of pushing his sub button, though.
CutieMouse
Meticulously Flighty
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Define "vanilla".
My relationship look exactly like anyone else's; we don't incorporate floggers, bondage, etc in our sex life; we arent active in "the scene"; we've had people say what we do "isn't D/s" because it doesn't look the way they though it should.
99.9% of the time we are pretty damn "vanilla", but we know it's a power based relationship, so the only thing that we'd have to "give up" is terminology we dont use anyway...
My relationship
99.9% of the time we are pretty damn "vanilla", but we know it's a power based relationship, so the only thing that we'd have to "give up" is terminology we dont use anyway...
It would be false love, though I think it would depend on how vanilla the person was. Some people are just a few sparks away from being non-vanilla.
But a person opposed to D/s would never be able to understand or love me anyway, much less have a genuine relationship or fulfill basic needs.
Shankara20
Well, that is lovely
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15 years ago I was living with a ProDomme (as a partner/lover, not a client) in San Francisco and the BDSM community was my #1 need (a little sex with men included 
)
Now living in the Midwest and about to turn 65 I am married to a devout vanilla and love her and being with her.
I would like it if BDSM were in our life, but I guess I love her more then living BDSM. In any case, in San Francisco it was more about the sensations then the power exchange for me, so I do have some self-play practices that suffice.
Many things have changed much for me. I am now a member of the Church of 80%, so if I have 80% of what I want in my life I'm happy - and I am way past 80% now.
)Now living in the Midwest and about to turn 65 I am married to a devout vanilla and love her and being with her.
I would like it if BDSM were in our life, but I guess I love her more then living BDSM. In any case, in San Francisco it was more about the sensations then the power exchange for me, so I do have some self-play practices that suffice.
Many things have changed much for me. I am now a member of the Church of 80%, so if I have 80% of what I want in my life I'm happy - and I am way past 80% now.
Netzach
>semiotics?
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The vast majority of my life is completely vanilla.
But if I were with someone and I said "I want to tie you to the radiator and put my fingers in your orifices and call you names" and they said "no"
(versus "why?" "or OK" or "which names?")
that's not a relationship I want to be in.
But if I were with someone and I said "I want to tie you to the radiator and put my fingers in your orifices and call you names" and they said "no"
(versus "why?" "or OK" or "which names?")
that's not a relationship I want to be in.
Brunne
Really Experienced
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I appreciated this. I've come to be rather suspicious of how the term 'vanilla' is used, though I think I understand the question of the OP in terms of compatibility of sexual interests and turn-ons.
In terms of how people interact in the world and in intimate relationships (i.e. elements of natural dominance and submissiveness in core personality) I have started to wonder if 'vanilla' actually exists anywhere in reality, (outside my pot of hagen daz that is). But that's probably a whole other conversation...
This applies to my marriage as well. I tie her up with belts and ties or use duct tape we happen to have lying around. I spank her, sure, but with my belt, her hairbrush, or my hand. I think the wildest thing we've done is when I pushed her over the dining room table and fucked her for talking back while our friend was in the room. Aside from that, our relationship is more or less kept to the bedroom -- we have very traditional roles in the house: she cooks and cleans, she does the laundry, she brings me a beer when I ask for one, she fusses over and then fixes my clothes if I rip or stain something. I own the apartment and pay all the utilities myself, not just because I want to but I also like being able to yell "you live under my roof, you fucking follow my rules!"
But no, I could never be with someone who doesn't want to be held down during sex, doesn't want to be slapped, who expects to be able to say no to me without any sort of repercussions... I couldn't be with someone who doesn't like pain, who thinks blow jobs are an option -- hell, who thinks she's the one in control when sucking me off. I couldn't be with someone who believes that household chores should be shared, or who thinks it's okay to argue with me in front of company. And when I see those things all one after another like that I don't feel as vanilla as I usually do when posting here.
However my posts on this forum are often met with a lot of contempt and so I think as far as defining the sexual relationships we have with our partner(s), I'm less vanilla than average.
I'm not predictable, there isn't a specific set of rules. There are certain things she knows not to do and she does them anyway -- sometimes I don't care. Other times I give her a slap across the face or a swat on the ass. Other times I beat the hell out of her just because I want to and she gave me a reason. And that seems to really freak you guys out.
I've said it before but would like to reiterate: my relationship with my wife is 100% consensual and we communicate in a healthy way and we are both very very happy.
I'm not predictable, there isn't a specific set of rules. There are certain things she knows not to do and she does them anyway -- sometimes I don't care. Other times I give her a slap across the face or a swat on the ass. Other times I beat the hell out of her just because I want to and she gave me a reason. And that seems to really freak you guys out.
I've said it before but would like to reiterate: my relationship with my wife is 100% consensual and we communicate in a healthy way and we are both very very happy.
Stella_Omega
No Gentleman
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And when I see those things all one after another like that I don't feel as vanilla as I usually do when posting here.
BiBunny
Moon Queen & Wanderer
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The older I get, the less interested I become in "BDSM" as an institution. I'm very meh about bondage. I rarely want to be spanked, flogged, caned, whipped, paddled, or otherwise whacked in the ass with things. I tend to laugh at what passes for humiliation among The Community. There are plenty of other super-popular things on the list that I actively dislike. It's all very cold and clinical and boring to me.
I was bitching one day about the assumptions that many "BDSMers" make about me to one of my friends and how I'm not into most of the things that are considered kosher by the masses. Her reply was, "Why don't you tell these people that you're just into some good, old-fashioned domestic violence?"
Un-PC as it was, I nearly fell off the couch laughing because it was such an astute observation. My sexual encounters--back when I still had them--probably looked a lot more like her newly-coined "GOFDV" than like BDSM, regardless of who was the one doing the topping at the time.
I'm not saying this to make myself sound like a special snowflake, just to say that while I'm far from vanilla, I could live the rest of my life without BDSM. Give me GOFDV and The Fetish Between Consenting Adults That Dare Not Call Its Name Here, and I'll be quite all right. I doubt a vanilla person would be very understanding of these things, but I don't need a "kinkster" to give me what I need, either.
/curmudgeon
I was bitching one day about the assumptions that many "BDSMers" make about me to one of my friends and how I'm not into most of the things that are considered kosher by the masses. Her reply was, "Why don't you tell these people that you're just into some good, old-fashioned domestic violence?"
Un-PC as it was, I nearly fell off the couch laughing because it was such an astute observation. My sexual encounters--back when I still had them--probably looked a lot more like her newly-coined "GOFDV" than like BDSM, regardless of who was the one doing the topping at the time.
I'm not saying this to make myself sound like a special snowflake, just to say that while I'm far from vanilla, I could live the rest of my life without BDSM. Give me GOFDV and The Fetish Between Consenting Adults That Dare Not Call Its Name Here, and I'll be quite all right. I doubt a vanilla person would be very understanding of these things, but I don't need a "kinkster" to give me what I need, either.
/curmudgeon
Frankly I couldn't have said it better myself. That's exactly it. Except, you know, I do respect my wife as a person. I know that she is as smart as, if not smarter, than me. I'm positive she's a stronger person than I am. But she has a fucking place and if she forgets it I will backhand her into oblivion. That's basically it. I want to beat her up. Sometimes, not always. But almost everything is about power to me, and if she disrespects or even so little as doesn't acknowledge my power over her, she's in trouble.
sweepthefloor
see jane nurse
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I love that.
barelytrained
Really Experienced
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Deal Breaker for me.........
It took me so long to figure out that I was sexually submissive that I would not want to go back to a vanilla relationship. I feel like there is still so much more for me to experience and learn that I do not not want to have to change what I want/need by entering into a vanilla relationship. But, that is just me based on my personal choices.
BT
seela
Quark Thief
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BDSM as whips, chains, ropes, leather, latex and weird titles I can definitely do without. Power exchange is where it's at for me, with the occasional proper beating and so on. I can never imagine being in a relationship with someone, who buys tons of props, dresses up in leather and wants me to call them Master or some such.
But I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with anyone, who doesn't want to have the final say in things and exert that power on his whim at times. I need to be pushed to a dark place occasionally for me to stay grounded and I need it to be unpleasant at times, so I guess a completely vanilla person wouldn't do it to me, either.
Good thing I already have a man in my life.
But I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with anyone, who doesn't want to have the final say in things and exert that power on his whim at times. I need to be pushed to a dark place occasionally for me to stay grounded and I need it to be unpleasant at times, so I guess a completely vanilla person wouldn't do it to me, either.
Good thing I already have a man in my life.
Stella_Omega
No Gentleman
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Nope.
Sex has always been about power struggle, power exchange, all my life. Even when it seemed as vanilla as could be, there was arson and pillage going on in my brain.
Now-- I am not particularly interested in a D/s relationship, but for one thing I need rough sex as well as loving sex and I need sensation play, and for another-- my mind goes the the strangest places, and these days I want partners who will go there with me.
Sex has always been about power struggle, power exchange, all my life. Even when it seemed as vanilla as could be, there was arson and pillage going on in my brain.
Now-- I am not particularly interested in a D/s relationship, but for one thing I need rough sex as well as loving sex and I need sensation play, and for another-- my mind goes the the strangest places, and these days I want partners who will go there with me.
Loverskitten
I bite
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ownedsubgal
lost little girl
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with the except of unpredictability (because i thrive off of routine), all you've described is pretty similar to my life as a slave, and any life i could imagine with a partner. i could not imagine being with a man who didn't accept and fully comprehend the power his mere gender allows him over me, and exerted that power at will. i couldn't imagine being with someone who wanted to share in relevant decision-making. i couldn't imagine being with someone who expected me to be independent. so by those standards, no, i could not be with a vanilla person.
SalviaDivinorum
It's not complicated
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Sounds like my grandparent's marriage. Not so much kinky as conventional.
Warning: prone to random streaking.
If vanillia is put into that conventional context, my happy, satisfied ass would land behind bars for life; however, conventional doesn't get me off.
A twisted conventional ending? Fun stuff.
Sorry, OP. I'm dressed and ready for business nao... well, sorta.
