Doms and Subs alike . . opinions seeked

[Bumpkin]

Hello all, I have been a long time reader here on Lit but rarely ever post. I am posting now in hopes of finding some answers to my current situation that I am dealing with. I will lay some ground work information so you can try to understand whats all happening.

About me and my sub. We are in a LDR due to my current deployment. We are not married (I am and its complicated, she is single). I am a very understanding Daddy Dom and she is young and kinda naive with how some people can be and is to trusting with. More on that to come. She is very dependent outside the bedroom (hates to be told what to do) but inside she is fully submissive to me. I am OK with that, I don't need a 24/7 type relationship where I am in full control of her life and daily actions. I feel everyone has the right to pursue dreams, goals, and life interests. Due to our current situation I have permitted her to having a FWB that she has been with for some time before i came along. There is nothing more then that and I believe that maybe over after what happened recently. Also, she is very emotional and reads into words more then needed. At times I feel like I am walking a mine field. She wants me to be happy with her and if I am upset or unhappy it can bring her crashing to the ground. "You disappointed me" is worse then kicking her kitten. I hate to say no but have laid out some guidelines and put out some orders with some people I do not approve of her dealing with.

Now the current situation where I need your help. Today . .in about an hour she shoots with a photographer #2. I do not know him that well, and he refuses to deal with me as her Dom. Basically saying that its a contract between her and him. Agreed but I still wish he would talk to me, especially since he is doing rope bondage/suspension with a very green rope bunny. Monday she had a session with photographer #1 who talked with me before hand. He respected my boundaries and I was very comfortable with that scene. She is not fully sure what all will happen today although she does feel it will be more intense then Mondays shoot. She specifically asked if she had to stop the scene if the photographer wishes to continue things beyond taking pictures. I trust her to make the right decision (not do anything sexually with him) but why ask if she hadn't already been thinking of it? I said that specifically to her and she replied she had been.

Now, I hate to be the stick in the mud and stop the fun. If I was there I know she would turn to me first vs him but I am half way around the world. I tied my answer to the FWB's thing and agreed to letting her continue the scene if she so desired. She knows that I wont be happy though and doesn't want to disappoint me. If something happens, how do I deal with the major amount of disappointment for us both from this distance? She is a cuddlier and needs Daddies strength and comfort when upset. I simply can not give that when I am this far away. Words simply fail when its the physical side that is needed to be felt. Because of a lack of self confidence/depression on her part I hate to show my real feeling with out being able to give the care needed from the hurt that will be caused if this happens. Again, I watch my words carefully as I tread through the mine field.

I know this is dang near a story in its self. I would have asked on Fetlife but she is there also and I care to speak with others about this more quietly first. I respect the views of both the Doms, Domme's, and subs out there. I know this is something that others have dealt with, the letting down and disappointment. I seek advice on how maybe the best approach whether its from the Bottom looking up or Top looking down. Thanks for taking the time to read this clear through and I appreciate the help. Have questions. . ask so I can paint a better picture if needed.

Thanks . . .

 

[DVS]

Hello all, I have been a long time reader here on Lit but rarely ever post. I am posting now in hopes of finding some answers to my current situation that I am dealing with. I will lay some ground work information so you can try to understand whats all happening.

About me and my sub. We are in a LDR due to my current deployment. We are not married (I am and its complicated, she is single). I am a very understanding Daddy Dom and she is young and kinda naive with how some people can be and is to trusting with. More on that to come. She is very dependent outside the bedroom (hates to be told what to do) but inside she is fully submissive to me. I am OK with that, I don't need a 24/7 type relationship where I am in full control of her life and daily actions. I feel everyone has the right to pursue dreams, goals, and life interests. Due to our current situation I have permitted her to having a FWB that she has been with for some time before i came along. There is nothing more then that and I believe that maybe over after what happened recently. Also, she is very emotional and reads into words more then needed. At times I feel like I am walking a mine field. She wants me to be happy with her and if I am upset or unhappy it can bring her crashing to the ground. "You disappointed me" is worse then kicking her kitten. I hate to say no but have laid out some guidelines and put out some orders with some people I do not approve of her dealing with.

Now the current situation where I need your help. Today . .in about an hour she shoots with a photographer #2. I do not know him that well, and he refuses to deal with me as her Dom. Basically saying that its a contract between her and him. Agreed but I still wish he would talk to me, especially since he is doing rope bondage/suspension with a very green rope bunny. Monday she had a session with photographer #1 who talked with me before hand. He respected my boundaries and I was very comfortable with that scene. She is not fully sure what all will happen today although she does feel it will be more intense then Mondays shoot. She specifically asked if she had to stop the scene if the photographer wishes to continue things beyond taking pictures. I trust her to make the right decision (not do anything sexually with him) but why ask if she hadn't already been thinking of it? I said that specifically to her and she replied she had been.

Now, I hate to be the stick in the mud and stop the fun. If I was there I know she would turn to me first vs him but I am half way around the world. I tied my answer to the FWB's thing and agreed to letting her continue the scene if she so desired. She knows that I wont be happy though and doesn't want to disappoint me. If something happens, how do I deal with the major amount of disappointment for us both from this distance? She is a cuddlier and needs Daddies strength and comfort when upset. I simply can not give that when I am this far away. Words simply fail when its the physical side that is needed to be felt. Because of a lack of self confidence/depression on her part I hate to show my real feeling with out being able to give the care needed from the hurt that will be caused if this happens. Again, I watch my words carefully as I tread through the mine field.

I know this is dang near a story in its self. I would have asked on Fetlife but she is there also and I care to speak with others about this more quietly first. I respect the views of both the Doms, Domme's, and subs out there. I know this is something that others have dealt with, the letting down and disappointment. I seek advice on how maybe the best approach whether its from the Bottom looking up or Top looking down. Thanks for taking the time to read this clear through and I appreciate the help. Have questions. . ask so I can paint a better picture if needed.

Thanks . . .

First, I want to say thank you for your service to your country. I totally respect someone who signs up for our armed services.

Now, I've read your post and I understand what you must be going through, being so far away and helpless to do much about it. And I also understand how certain things you say might even make the situation worse, without trying.

Really, you can only trust her to do what she feels is right, in any given situation, once she knows how you feel. Like you said, there's nothing you can do about it, where you are. I'd just be truthful with her and tell her how you feel, and hope she understands and abides by your wishes.

As for the photographers, why did she switch from one to the other? If you were both happy with the results of the first guy, why go with a new guy? The first guy seemed like he respected your wishes and I'd guess she was happy with him, too. Photographer #2 seems more like a guy out to have his way, no matter who tries to take charge from him.

Were contracts signed in either case? I'm fully for signing contracts in cases like this, so everybody knows what the deal is, going in. Who will possess the pictures afterwards, who owns the rights to sell or distribute, who decides what poses will be shot and what won't, etc.

You can simulate bondage in a picture. It just takes a little trickery with angles and such in the picture. Any self respecting photographer should abide by set rules of his subject, just like a dom should respect the limits of a sub.

I'd try to change back to the first photographer, if there are any other sessions to be scheduled. That second guy sounds like he could end up as bad news. You have enough to deal with where you are. You don't need any more things on your mind. I hope it all works out for you.

 

[Keroin]

OP, does your wife know about this relationship?

If you were home right now, would this become a RL relationship with all three individuals happy with the arrangement?

 

[Netzach]

There are many layers of confusion.

When I shoot someone I definitely don't want to be bossed around by a third party. But when I shoot someone I'm also not expecting to get in her pants.

 

[Bumpkin]

@ DVS

Thanks for your support. I, like many others, do honestly appreciate it. She works with both photographers actually. Both are slightly different in styles. #1 is more grounded with Midori style. #2 is more about Shibari and suspension rope work. Now both of these have done nothing wrong but I feel a little uneasy with #2 because I gather that he wishes more then just photo's and my Sub is not strong enough probably to say "no" once things start to happen. Hence why she asked ahead of time. I hope she does do the right thing, I simply do not know how it will turn out.

Contracts are always involved for her safety and who has control of the pics. She has worked with both before and is aware of what is involved in such a shoot. I wish that #2 would show some mutual respect but as she says "its my photo shoot and my dealings are strictly with you"

NOW . . .the third factor I didn't add to the first part. Tonight after the shoot she will be attending the Indy Rope Munch. There she will come face to face with a man I have ZERO trust or respect for. He is photographer #3 and I refuse to allow her to shoot with him. According to #1 he is a liar, manipulator, and will do what ever it takes to get a chance to shoot with a girl. #1 simply refuses to be in the same room as him at this point. Once #3 has the photos he has not stayed true to his contracts, traded photos with his Perv buddies, released pics to the porn industry and is VERY bad news. Sub says he is harmless and has talked with him. She has no plans to shoot with him though at this time. I view that his presence tonight is simply a way to get his foot in the door, gain some trust, and to get her to agree with a shoot. I am very uneasy at this moment about the entire day. Hell its 0030 hours and I simply cant sleep. The daddy Dom in me wants to protect her obviously.

@Keroin My wife is not aware. I asked for a open relationship a month ago but that resulted in a major fight obviously. I know. . half way around the world is not the best timing but it was fitting due to the emotional state I was in following the loss of 3 men from my unit. There are things in this life I wish to make happen. My wife is vanilla but says she wants to try some of my fetishes. Most she will not be open to, knowing her the way I do. The question there is will I be happy with that or do I be real and honest with what it is that I want and what will make me happy in life from this point on. Once I decide what it is that I want, I will then decide if my sub and I make things a RL situation. Until then. .its all complicated!

 

[Bumpkin]

There are many layers of confusion.

When I shoot someone I definitely don't want to be bossed around by a third party. But when I shoot someone I'm also not expecting to get in her pants.

I never said I was bossing him around. Simple respect for the boundaries like I had with #1 which was no touching of her pussy area. No sexual contact. I let #1 even give her a professional level massage following the shoot to help ease the pain from the bondage poses. Not expecting to get in their pants puts you in the professional side of the house that separates business from pleasure.

 

[Keroin]

@Keroin My wife is not aware. I asked for a open relationship a month ago but that resulted in a major fight obviously. I know. . half way around the world is not the best timing but it was fitting due to the emotional state I was in following the loss of 3 men from my unit. There are things in this life I wish to make happen. My wife is vanilla but says she wants to try some of my fetishes. Most she will not be open to, knowing her the way I do. The question there is will I be happy with that or do I be real and honest with what it is that I want and what will make me happy in life from this point on. Once I decide what it is that I want, I will then decide if my sub and I make things a RL situation. Until then. .its all complicated!

OK, I know you're in a tough place, and I'm not one of those who will tar and feather you for cheating (let's call it what it is), I 'get' complicated, but I'm going to be straight with you.

You're fucking up. You. Right now.

The photo shoot, all of it? Irrelevant.

In your current situation, you can make no demands of this woman and it is not your place to protect her. Your duties lie elsewhere. Get things straight at home - fish or cut bait, to be blunt. I know, I know, being across the world will not make this easier but being forthright and true to yourself and your wife will make you a man. (I'm not saying you have to come clean about this other relationship, only that you need to stop lying, immediately).

And stop wasting this other woman's time on a relationship that may or may not be something someday maybe. That's unfair.

Normally I wouldn't be so in-your-face but if you have the guts to do what you're doing I suspect you're not the type who needs to be coddled or have your advice sugar-coated?

Who's the person you respect most in this world? What would they do in your shoes? What would they think of your behaviour?

Sorry that you have to go through this where you are but make the hard choices, the choices that allow you to look in the mirror with pride, and things will get better.

 

[Licia]

The service and fortitude you deliver to America, standing in the face of death? My greatest respect goes out to you. *hugs* The hubs is a veteran from the Gulf.

Questions I would pose: how do you know that your wife is *definitely* vanilla? Have you asked her about her fantasies? Indulged in a few?

Mountains aren't molehills, and I expect you're already aware.

One must be real and honest about what they want or happiness will be a stranger, and a spouse deserves the same consideration of choices.

Do take care in Afgahanistan.

 

[catalina_francisco]

OK, this all sounds way more complicated than necessary, at least from my perspective, which I know may not be yours. Firstly, I am not surprised your wife was upset with you asking for an open relationship while so far away...or even if you were in the same house. If it is not what she feels right with, or wants, it is not surprising. Add to that you have already gone ahead (before even asking and getting her reaction) and formed a relationship with someone else, and it all seems very self serving. OTOH, you profess so much concern for the well being of your sub. Not a problem except your behaviour is not demonstrating for me someone who really cares about the women he is involved with, unless it affects him. At the very least you have shown a very good reason why neither woman are likely to feel they can trust you. And as you know, trust is a big part of the type relationships you are wanting.

As to your sub and her dilemma with all the photographers, I am guessing part of you feels due to your own duplicity, you don't feel totally justified in telling her she is not to be sexually involved with these men if the moment arises. Allowing her to make choices in her life does not have to include sleeping with other men if that is not what you want. But then it comes back to you being married, your wife not knowing you are involved elsewhere, and where that leads in such a situation. Perhaps she enjoys the attention and where it leads you emotionally. Being a cuddler and needing the one you love does not have to translate to sleeping with whoever is available...sort of a íf you can't be with the one you love, love the one your with'. That is just a convenient thought process IMO. And yes, I know what I am talking about as we started as a LDR (opposite sides of the globe), and even after we married that did not change immediately but we both managed to work through it without involving others. I know it is not everyone's choice, but is possible if that is how you want it.

I get the feeling you need to take some time to decide for youself what you want, where you stand, and how you can achieve that with all things considered. As a woman, I don't feel it fair your wife remains in the dark while you have your fun, nor do I think it is a great thing to dump on her while you are so far away...but you have already set the process in motion with both women so not sure how you can handle it with sensitivity, honesty, and integrity right now. Good luck either way.

Catalina

 

[Bumpkin]

OK, I know you're in a tough place, and I'm not one of those who will tar and feather you for cheating (let's call it what it is), I 'get' complicated, but I'm going to be straight with you.

You're fucking up. You. Right now.

The photo shoot, all of it? Irrelevant.

In your current situation, you can make no demands of this woman and it is not your place to protect her. Your duties lie elsewhere. Get things straight at home - fish or cut bait, to be blunt. I know, I know, being across the world will not make this easier but being forthright and true to yourself and your wife will make you a man. (I'm not saying you have to come clean about this other relationship, only that you need to stop lying, immediately).

And stop wasting this other woman's time on a relationship that may or may not be something someday maybe. That's unfair.

Normally I wouldn't be so in-your-face but if you have the guts to do what you're doing I suspect you're not the type who needs to be coddled or have your advice sugar-coated?

Who's the person you respect most in this world? What would they do in your shoes? What would they think of your behaviour?

Sorry that you have to go through this where you are but make the hard choices, the choices that allow you to look in the mirror with pride, and things will get better.

I wont try to justify my actions, not my intent with the post. My actions are my own and take full responsibility for them. My sub is aware of my wife and where I stand in my marriage. You are correct that I dont need anything sugar coated. I have weighed the hard decisions and have expressed them to my spouse. I know where she stands. Where the lines are drawn. From here my hands are simply tied and I can not proceed in any direction till reaching stateside. Thanks for your time.

The service and fortitude you deliver to America, standing in the face of death? My greatest respect goes out to you. *hugs* The hubs is a veteran from the Gulf.

Questions I would pose: how do you know that your wife is *definitely* vanilla? Have you asked her about her fantasies? Indulged in a few?

Mountains aren't molehills, and I expect you're already aware.

One must be real and honest about what they want or happiness will be a stranger, and a spouse deserves the same consideration of choices.

Do take care in Afgahanistan.

My wife in the 12 years we have been together has never expressed any fantasies. I have always been the adventurous one and the one to bring new ideas to the bedroom. I revealed 5 years ago my interest in BDSM n such but it fell on deft ears. I contained my cravings and my personal interests this entire time. It took losing 3 men on April 4th from my unit, men I had personal daily dealings with, to realize I have one chance to live life and to go after what ever it is I want to explore to make me a happy person. To stop hiding what I am and be true with myself. Those men lost that chance that day. I will be making the best of the time I have been given.

OK, this all sounds way more complicated than necessary, at least from my perspective, which I know may not be yours. Firstly, I am not surprised your wife was upset with you asking for an open relationship while so far away...or even if you were in the same house. If it is not what she feels right with, or wants, it is not surprising. Add to that you have already gone ahead (before even asking and getting her reaction) and formed a relationship with someone else, and it all seems very self serving. OTOH, you profess so much concern for the well being of your sub. Not a problem except your behaviour is not demonstrating for me someone who really cares about the women he is involved with, unless it affects him. At the very least you have shown a very good reason why neither woman are likely to feel they can trust you. And as you know, trust is a big part of the type relationships you are wanting.

As to your sub and her dilemma with all the photographers, I am guessing part of you feels due to your own duplicity, you don't feel totally justified in telling her she is not to be sexually involved with these men if the moment arises. Allowing her to make choices in her life does not have to include sleeping with other men if that is not what you want. But then it comes back to you being married, your wife not knowing you are involved elsewhere, and where that leads in such a situation. Perhaps she enjoys the attention and where it leads you emotionally. Being a cuddler and needing the one you love does not have to translate to sleeping with whoever is available...sort of a íf you can't be with the one you love, love the one your with'. That is just a convenient thought process IMO. And yes, I know what I am talking about as we started as a LDR (opposite sides of the globe), and even after we married that did not change immediately but we both managed to work through it without involving others. I know it is not everyone's choice, but is possible if that is how you want it.

I get the feeling you need to take some time to decide for youself what you want, where you stand, and how you can achieve that with all things considered. As a woman, I don't feel it fair your wife remains in the dark while you have your fun, nor do I think it is a great thing to dump on her while you are so far away...but you have already set the process in motion with both women so not sure how you can handle it with sensitivity, honesty, and integrity right now. Good luck either way.

Catalina

I knew the wife's answer before asking it. It was a chance to see if there would be an opportunity to meet my desires for D/S, bondage, etc. with out breaking the marriage. Since an open relationship is not an option I must decide to have my kinks go unfulfilled or get a divorce and move forward. Whether its with my current sub or someone else even.

My dilemma does partially stem from me allowing FWB's while I am gone. I can permit her to play with one but not the photographers. I feel that they should be more professional and keep it all separate. The question still remains . . .how do I deal with the feelings of disappointment or being upset from so far away. Seeing how she is already one anti-depressants I don't see how me telling her "no" and upsetting her will help one bit.

Once again . . I feel like a minefield lays before me. No right answers and everyone seems focused on me vs the question I was seeking to have asked. Sighs . .

 

[Stella_Omega]

Maybe you should ask the sub how she would handle a disappointment with you so far away.

 

[TexasWife25]

I contained my cravings and my personal interests this entire time. It took losing 3 men on April 4th from my unit, men I had personal daily dealings with, to realize I have one chance to live life and to go after what ever it is I want to explore to make me a happy person.

1st, I'm very sorry for your loss.

2nd, this April 4th?


So its been a little over a month,perhaps less,since you met your sub? I know online relationships can grow very quickly, but I have to agree with other posters, if you are already this intense, where the idea of her having sex with someone else is keeping you up? Maybe you need some space to reevaluate things.

 

[Keroin]

No right answers and everyone seems focused on me vs the question I was seeking to have asked. Sighs . .

You know the right answer, and you and the question are inseparable.

You're frustrated because people aren't playing along and giving the answers you want to hear - such are the pitfalls of posting a question on a public forum.

Good luck to you. I won't waste any more advice where it's not wanted.

 

[catalina_francisco]

My wife in the 12 years we have been together has never expressed any fantasies. I have always been the adventurous one and the one to bring new ideas to the bedroom. I revealed 5 years ago my interest in BDSM n such but it fell on deft ears. I contained my cravings and my personal interests this entire time.

This is not that unusual. A lot of people keep their fantasies to themselves, partuicularly if they feel they are wrong on perhaps will not be received well. Did you just come out with it and then not return to the conversation or develop it further? Could be she didn't realise how important it was to you? Could be she doesn't know much about it and feels uncomfortable asking. Perhaps sending her some stories to read might help? Wouldn't be the first time. Maybe she needs you to approach the subject differently. DOwnside for you now is she is not likely to be receptive to anything you say or suggest given you have been cheating...and can't say I blame her.

I knew the wife's answer before asking it. It was a chance to see if there would be an opportunity to meet my desires for D/S, bondage, etc. with out breaking the marriage. Since an open relationship is not an option I must decide to have my kinks go unfulfilled or get a divorce and move forward. Whether its with my current sub or someone else even.

It is a decision you have to make, but it is also a decision she has to make. If you are not honest with her, she is not able to make any decisions based on all the information. It may be just the way you are wording this here, and it is difficult to accurately portray your POV on a screen, but you still come across as being only concerned about where you are at, how the situation is affecting you and will continue to do so, with little or no consideration for anyone else's feelings, especially your wife.

My dilemma does partially stem from me allowing FWB's while I am gone. I can permit her to play with one but not the photographers. I feel that they should be more professional and keep it all separate. The question still remains . . .how do I deal with the feelings of disappointment or being upset from so far away. Seeing how she is already one anti-depressants I don't see how me telling her "no" and upsetting her will help one bit.

Once again . . I feel like a minefield lays before me. No right answers and everyone seems focused on me vs the question I was seeking to have asked. Sighs . .

Yes, it is a minefield, and a lot of those mines have been laid by you. Depression is not a licence to manipulate. Sounds like she is the one controlling the situation because you are scared to say or do anything which will upset her. I have depression and have had it most of my life (several decades), so I am not talking from a position of ignorance. Does she go for therapy? It could be a good idea for her so she can learn to deal with her depression, perhaps find out if there are triggers for it and if so how to cope with them. Regardless, depression is not an excuse to have sex with other people, and perhaps your reaction by allowing it and other liberties could even cause her to question your dominance. And still, at the end of the day, before anything, you need to deal with your marriage before trying to build a relationship with anyone. It is all part of the control thing, if you are not in control of your own life, how can you hope to control someone else?

No right answers and everyone seems focused on me vs the question I was seeking to have asked. Sighs . .

And that is because you are the one person who has set all this in motion. Your wife is unaware of your affair, your sub either became that by you responding to her or her responding to an advert you placed...it all comes back to you and your responsibility. Being in denial about it won't help you out of the mess you have created one bit.

Catalina

 

[JMohegan]

I don't care if he's Christ with a Canon, there's no fucking way I'd allow a partner of mine to pose for bondage, suspension, or any other type of erotic shot.

And this is not a decision about which I'd be second-guessing myself or worrying.

So that's my opinion. If it bothers you, tell her no, end of story. If you're afraid she'll fall apart because she can't take honest feedback long distance, no matter how gently put, well maybe long distance D/s isn't such a great plan for this person.

Question. Where did you "meet" this alleged s-type female, and how do you know she is who she claims to be?

 

[ecstaticsub]

My husband was deployed twice. I know what it is like to be the wife at home and I know from him the difficulties of being deployed.

Please, for your safety and the safety of those deployed with you concentrate on your job. Now is not the time to be trying to protect a submissive back home. Let her be the adult that she is and take care of herself while you take care of yourself. You need your sleep and you need not to be distracted.

To tell your wife you wanted an open relationship from overseas was cruel.

Put everything at home on hold, including your submissive, and just concentrate on getting home safe.

Thank you for your service

 

[DVS]

I don't know when your tour is over, so this might not make a lot of sense to you. If you're deployment has just begun, my suggestion might not be easy to do. But, I'd communicate to your wife that you enjoy BDSM activities and let her think about this for when you get back home. Of course, let her ask questions, but don't either of you make set decisions until you can talk face to face. The distance between you can hurt making the correct choices.

Both of you should think about what you really want to happen...sexually and marriage wise. Explain to her what you've decided after your friends have died, and I hope she understands. Sometimes it's difficult for someone to understand another's situation if they haven't experienced something similar. Explain to her you want to explore this BDSM sex and would prefer to do that with her, but that's a two way street. If the marriage is going to work, you're both going to have to do some give and take.

As for the sub, if you want to try and save your marriage, she should be told. If you decide to let your marriage desolve, I hope this sub is the one you want. Have you even met her face to face? If not, I'd think about saving the marriage, first. A bird in the hand, so to speak.

And you're not the first to have marriage troubles while overseas. It's a sad reality with servicemen. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder, but when you're in a strange land and a hostile environment, you can sometimes make some hard life changing decisions. Priority one, if you ask me...keep your mind clear and your head down!

 

[Netzach]

Put everything at home on hold, including your submissive, and just concentrate on getting home safe.

Thank you for your service

This seems like the soundest bit of response. I mean you needs, you REAL needs right now are probably pretty intense and pretty simple, and worrying about other people's jealousy or other people's depression probably isn't really fair to yourself if you prod it a bit.

 

[DVS]

Also, although your wife maybe hasn't told you of any fantasies, I'm sure she has them. They are probably deep within her subconscious and it would take time to draw them out. Keep that in mind for when you get back home. It might still be possible to fix your marriage. But, don't let all of this cloud your mind, while you're over there getting shot at. And she should understand this situation, too and not make it worse, herself. Both of you take some time and let it simmer in the back of your mind. Then, once you're home, you can deal with it. That sub might be better off connecting with one of those photographers...at least for now.

 

[KoPilot]

I haven't been around the block too many times, but if there is something I know from experience, is that you'd do well to seriously listen to the advice given here. These guys know their shit.

 

[Bumpkin]

Well damn any way. My words are failing to portray the entire situation and all the complexities of it. I thank all for the advice and well wishes from those that sent them.

To hit a few key points though from what others have talked about. My mission always comes first and I do not allow my dealings during my off time interfere with that. In three deployments across 7 years this will always be a rule I follow, always has and always will.

My intentions are to allow time for my wife and I to explore things before making any decisions. We are both on the same page in this regard. However, if it doesn't work out then it doesn't. We mutually want both of us to be happy.

Again, thanks.

 

[DVS]

Well damn any way. My words are failing to portray the entire situation and all the complexities of it. I thank all for the advice and well wishes from those that sent them.

To hit a few key points though from what others have talked about. My mission always comes first and I do not allow my dealings during my off time interfere with that. In three deployments across 7 years this will always be a rule I follow, always has and always will.

My intentions are to allow time for my wife and I to explore things before making any decisions. We are both on the same page in this regard. However, if it doesn't work out then it doesn't. We mutually want both of us to be happy.

Again, thanks.

You can't ask for any more than that. Good luck.

 

[BiBunny]

You're fucking up. You. Right now.

Yep. Take it from somebody who knows.

 

[CutieMouse]

Cluster.
Fuck.

You don't trust the girl to own her own shit and stand up for herself, and have worked yourself into a tizzy over things that *might* occur, based on second [third? fourth? fifth?] hand knowledge about XYZ photographers, fuck buddies, etc, because the poor little fragile [presumably young and hot] submissive pushes every freaking white knight [Daddy Dom to the rescue] button in your body.

[Side tangent - what exactly is so freaking valuable, desirable, whatever about having a submissive in your life that can't maintain her own (or your) boundaries? Really? You're all worked up over a girl who you worry won't be able to say "Thanks for the photo shoot; no I won't suck you off now."? Serious question - Why is that drama worthwhile to you? What attracts you to the angst of not knowing she can control herself, even against your wishes?]

Have you considered the fact that all this drama might actually be a very effective mid fuck? You sure are expending a hell of a lot of energy on someone half way around the world, that you aren't legally, morally or ethically tied to...

As for this bit...

My intentions are to allow time for my wife and I to explore things before making any decisions.

If your intentions were for *both* of you to explore things before making any decisions, you wouldn't be involved with, much less tied up in knots over, little miss photo shoot. I presume that since you want both of you [yourself/your wife] to "explore things" before making any decisions, you would be okay with her having an affair [cyber or otherwise] while you are deployed?

We are both on the same page in this regard. However, if it doesn't work out then it doesn't. We mutually want both of us to be happy.

Again, thanks.

You aren't on the same page. If you were on the same page, she would know that you're involved with the submissive chick. You've decided that you are sexually incompatible, and your need for kink supersedes her need for monogamy. There's nothing wrong with that. But by keeping information from her, you are robbing her of the opportunity to make fully informed decisions about her place in your life.

End the affair. Let someone else take care of the submissive chick. Deal with your marriage [whatever that means].

 

[Stella_Omega]

Because when you are in the middle of Afghanistan, a sweet little girl is a far far more enticing thing to worry about than getting dead.

I totally get this.