Expectations of dominance blog post

[Stella_Omega]

Today's recommended reading for thinky kinksters: Sexgeek

For instance:

Lately, I’ve come across a number of instances that have made it really clear to me that people in the BDSM/leather world have a wide range of completely disparate ideas about what a dominant should or shouldn’t be. For all that dominant kinksters are, well, dominant, that doesn’t mean we’re any less affected by other people’s ideas of “should” and “shouldn’t,” so it feels like it’s worth laying out some of the expectations that are projected upon us by others within the kink world if only to show that there’s no possible way any human being could live up to all of them at once.

Here is part of her list, minus her commentary all of which is worth reading here:


1. Role-play is where it’s at. All dominance is theatre.

2. 24/7 power exchange is where it’s at. All dominance is full-time, and full-time is the only real kind.

3. Extra-curricular power exchange is where it’s at. All dominance is part-time.

4. Playing with power is where it’s at. All dominance is about SM, and all SM is about dominance.

5. Intense sensation is where it’s at. All SM is about sensation; dominance is disturbing.

6. Dominance is where it’s at, and dominance is a public commodity. If you’re a dominant, you should take all comers.


She has anothe half-dozen examples at the far end of her post as well. Lots of good reading!

 

[Licia]

http://sexgeek.wordpress.com/2008/12/16/expectations-of-dominance-picking-through-the-tangle/

6. Dominance is where it’s at, and dominance is a public commodity. If you’re a dominant, you should take all comers.

In an interesting related point, a commenter on a fellow blogger’s site recently likened me to a rapist. The blogger’s post referred to my post entitled “the dominant’s consent” in which I talk about the many facets of meaning, both spoken and unspoken, that can be present in a negotiation. In it, I outlined a number of the questions that have come up for me in past encounters when people have wanted me to take up power beyond my own comfort level, and in which I have refused to do so because something didn’t feel quite right and I wasn’t willing to enter into a power-exchange situation that I felt wasn’t entirely healthy.

A simple gathering of friends morphed into an early morning ... scene? We all were standing around making benign jokes, and the next thing I know "Mike" saunters over and drapes his leather belt over my wrist. I just sorta blinked until my ears stopped ringing.

'Hell, YES! I've wanted to do this for a long time.' What came out? "I'm a sadist, and I'll hurt you."

He grinned at me, turned, and placed his palms against the wall.

Attraction being what it is, it took everything I had to turn the belt over in my hand and pass it to the lady beside me. "Ah, not that I don't *want* to, but I just don't know you well enough for that set of stripes, sorry."

"The crowd" basically booed me, but if I don't know someone -very well- they won't get pain from me.

 

[Stella_Omega]

<snip>

Attraction being what it is, it took everything I had to turn the belt over in my hand and pass it to the lady beside me. "Ah, not that I don't *want* to, but I just don't know you well enough for that set of stripes, sorry."

"The crowd" basically booed me, but if I don't know someone -very well- they won't get pain from me.

Thank you.

I have limited amounts of physical energy at times, and have to pick and choose where I want to put it.

 

[YourCaptor]

This is why I don't do the community thing much. I'm a D/s hermit, these days only connected with the interweb.

The do me like this subs are annoying, sometimes funny. The worst by far are the do it like this doms. Always trying to start shit. If you want to find insecure men, go to a munch.

 

[catalina_francisco]

This is why I don't do the community thing much. I'm a D/s hermit, these days only connected with the interweb.

The do me like this subs are annoying, sometimes funny. The worst by far are the do it like this doms. Always trying to start shit. If you want to find insecure men, go to a munch.

Have to say the idea of the whole community thing, 'must go to munches' messages often posted here and elsewhere, have never appealed to me nor seemed to be a watertight guarantee all would be good as also so often professed by some. I am and always have been a recluse of sorts, and am not attracted to people who just love to be seen or feel at home in a crowd, so it just never made sense to me that this was how it should work if I wanted to find a relationship and/or be into any of the facets of BDSM. If it works for others, fgreat, but for me, I just don't have the energy to waste on public events and all that go with it....that energy is better saved for other things.

Catalina

 

[Yourneighbor]

The only people for whom the public's opinion of their sexual/intimate performance ACTUALLY matters are porn actors/actresses. Outside of that the only enjoyable thing for me about so-called "community expectations" is telling those with their expectations to go fuck themselves.

 

[Stella_Omega]

The only people for whom the public's opinion of their sexual/intimate performance ACTUALLY matters are porn actors/actresses..

Many of us are porn actors then-- unpaid, perhaps, but appreciation matters to many people.

Something that the commentors here are missing, is that all of these statements are true for someone. Just-- not for everyone.

 

[Yourneighbor]

Many of us are porn actors then-- unpaid, perhaps, but appreciation matters to many people.

Something that the commentors here are missing, is that all of these statements are true for someone. Just-- not for everyone.

Appreciation is one thing - letting the community determine how you should act is another... and unless your kink is to be a public playtoy - and not too many dominants I know would fall into that category - I stand by the statement.

Yes, those statements are all true for individuals - not every individual. What makes them laughable is the people who don't understand that and approach you with their assertions of how things should be. Of course, that's the point of the blog post.

The one truth to communities, wherever they are, even ones supposedly founded on "alternative" lifestyles or preferences, is that there is always... ALWAYS someone or maybe many folks within them trying to tell everyone else how to behave and what is "proper"...

 

[Stella_Omega]

And another point of the blog is that for every expectation that SOME people hold, there is an equal and opposite expectation.

Vis your own good self, and this:

... and unless your kink is to be a public playtoy - and not too many dominants I know would fall into that category - I stand by the statement.

That would be, actually, one of my kinks on occasion.

And although I call myself a service top in the interests of clarity and ease when negotiating, I am pretty goddamn dominant.
But you're right, not too many dominants do have that kink.

There are other examples,that ididn't copy and paste:

9a. Dominants should hold authority with an iron fist. If they don’t, how can they consider themselves dominant?
9b. Dominants should be flexible and gentle, as the slightest disapproval they show can cause deep self-doubt and self-chastisement in a submissive.

(Personally, I think the answer is something inbetween, and also situational)

Or this one which I am debating elsewhere currently:

12a. Dominants should own their kink, be proud of it, and refuse to apologize for it or explain it to anyone. When you’re right, you’re right, and what you do is nobody’s business but your own.
12b. Dominants have a responsibility to the community to act as honourable representatives of the kink world, to be as outwardly “normal” as possible and to justify their relationship and play choices by all means available.

Again, my feeling is that there's an in-between, and it depends on where you are and who you're dealing with...

 

[Yourneighbor]

The only expectation I have is that there are no expectations placed on me of a "community" nature... setting aside obvious ones like not setting the place on fire and not attempting to kill or rape people with whom you haven't negotiated the wherefores and whithertos and whatnots ... etc.

As for opinions of ones' dominance or submissiveness or their "quality" as a dom/sub/top/bottom - being somehow up for "community" canonization or consensus - well fuck that.

To wit: "Ohh this bitch can't be a good sub, she doesn't know the way on THIS board that we indicate that she's doing an action in typewritten parlance... what a poser!!"

In the face to face world it's no different really, it just usually takes longer to manifest than in the online world heh...

What a dominant is or a submissive is.. how dominant or submissive they are... who the fuck cares except their playmates? Seriously, whose right is it to judge that?

That blog post is spot on about the absurdity of peoples' expectations and how a community warps individuals expectations into some sort of nightmarish conformity campaign where Dominants are only allowed to act one way and subs another.

As far as I'm concerned the only opinions about my "appropriateness" that matter are those of my playmate(s). Frankly, many people could do a lot better to adopt such a perspective as well... and yeah I know I sound like Polly Fuckin' Platitude here with such an obvious statement but it is what it is.



Oh and to add from the article - another point that I find fantastically, perfectly appropo:

Really, the only solution I’ve found to extricating myself from all the tangles these 12 sets of assumptions present is to say, fuck ‘em. I’m going to do this as best I can, based on my own values and my own judgment, and that’s all I can hold myself accountable to at the end of the day. It can get to be a bit tiring to act as a screen upon which others project their expectations, and I know I’m not the only one who feels that way. But regardless of whether other people think I’m the “right” kind of dominant, that doesn’t make me any less committed to exploring my own path in the way that suits me best.

To this I say:

http://assets0.ordienetworks.com/images/GifGuide/clapping/audience.gif

 

[Jenneva]

This is the only thing in the OP I agree with " All SM is about sensation "

But I haven't read the full blog post...

I don't believe in absolutes.

 

[Stella_Omega]

I, too, prefer sensation play to roleplay or D/s.

And i have a hard time imagining how 24/7 D/s can work, because I don't know one single person whom I could trust to lead all the time, including myself. And frankly, the topic just doesn't interest me enough to learn more about it... So that's my own bias, and my own opinion, and anyone for whom it works, I totally accept that-- or anyway, I keep my reservations to myself...

 

[BiBunny]

I, too, prefer sensation play to roleplay or D/s.

And i have a hard time imagining how 24/7 D/s can work, because I don't know one single person whom I could trust to lead all the time, including myself. And frankly, the topic just doesn't interest me enough to learn more about it... So that's my own bias, and my own opinion, and anyone for whom it works, I totally accept that-- or anyway, I keep my reservations to myself...

I have gotten to that point myself.

 

[eastern sun]

And i have a hard time imagining how 24/7 D/s can work, because I don't know one single person whom I could trust to lead all the time, including myself.

Forgive me for pointing out that you almost answered your own question here.

Imagine for a moment that you're the dominant party in a formalized relationship, and you think someone else might have a better idea or more information than you have. Or, imagine that you just don't want to be the leader in any given moment.

What would you do?

As a 24/7 slave, I wouldn't want to enter into a relationship with someone who wasn't able to give up control as needed.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Forgive me for pointing out that you almost answered your own question here.

I was thinking that as I wrote it.

But yanno, there's one of them assumptions again! Number 9a I think, or a variant thereof.

 

[eastern sun]

But yanno, there's one of them assumptions again! Number 9a I think, or a variant thereof.

Yeah, I was thinking that while I was writing!

 

[Netzach]

Forgive me for pointing out that you almost answered your own question here.

Imagine for a moment that you're the dominant party in a formalized relationship, and you think someone else might have a better idea or more information than you have. Or, imagine that you just don't want to be the leader in any given moment.

What would you do?

As a 24/7 slave, I wouldn't want to enter into a relationship with someone who wasn't able to give up control as needed.

A lot of "24/7 slaves" do not come in the deluxe version that would ever figure this out.

 

[Netzach]

I totally understand the desire to not conform to the community and blah, and I'm at this point where anyone can shove their opinions readily, but I also play with humiliation.

And not just that personal intense humiliation of taking someone past their whatever privately which is hot. I admit it. I like circus like humiliation around others or at least around their energies and it's a "tree falls in the forest" without people about kind of thing.

Since I don't believe in traumatizing people's kiddies - too much - I still believe there's a place for public play in a leather context. Non mandatory, sure.

 

[Stella_Omega]

I totally understand the desire to not conform to the community and blah, and I'm at this point where anyone can shove their opinions readily, but I also play with humiliation.

And not just that personal intense humiliation of taking someone past their whatever privately which is hot. I admit it. I like circus like humiliation around others or at least around their energies and it's a "tree falls in the forest" without people about kind of thing.

Since I don't believe in traumatizing people's kiddies - too much - I still believe there's a place for public play in a leather context. Non mandatory, sure.

And since I have an exhibitionism kink, and an objectification kink, and a voyeurism kink-- in short, a love of public play-- I play at parties.

Because I like it that way. Fuck yeah.

 

[His_pet_slut]

ooops, wrong thread.

 

[ultramarineblue]

As a 24/7 slave, I wouldn't want to enter into a relationship with someone who wasn't able to give up control as needed.

es, you have such a way with words.

-----

I was discussing something along these lines with a friend yesterday. I don't always see him as being very dominant because most of the time he wants me to decide what we do, where we go out to eat, etc. The fact of it is he doesn't want to be bothered with those details or just simply could care less. I guess for him dominance is having someone that wants to please him.

 

[YourCaptor]

I feel like doms have some kind of secret prereq reading of leviathan that I was never told about. I use to be like, "you're wrong man", but then I realized I didn't understand my own philosophy.

These days I just ignore tightly wound people. I figure they will learn eventually when they have alienated everyone. It's so much nicer. Subs always get a kick out of my dom meets dom stories. They expect some epic clash. Nope, it's more like, "Good morning, nice weather today."

I think recognizing "no man is an island entire of itself", is hugely important in dom land.

Oh and just for fun. The most domly person I've seen on TV is a woman. A role model for doms, a woman, gaspers.

 

[ownedsubgal]

As a 24/7 slave, I wouldn't want to enter into a relationship with someone who wasn't able to give up control as needed.

give up control...when the moment calls for it, when it's the most logical and sensible thing to do, yes. give up control to ME, never. even in the most everyday of contexts, i could not handle that.

 

[eastern sun]

give up control...when the moment calls for it, when it's the most logical and sensible thing to do, yes. give up control to ME, never. even in the most everyday of contexts, i could not handle that.

Aren't you in control at the stove?

 

[ownedsubgal]

Aren't you in control at the stove?

interesting thought. do i control what i prepare or how i prepare it? no. whether or not it's done properly? yes, pretty much. but then i know if the steak is overdone or the asparagus is limp there will be consequences, so i'm always careful. or maybe you meant something different?