BDSM in Real Life

[subwannabe]

I strongly believe the best way is to find a boyfriend first who is interested in going down that road. You may have to date several different guys before finding what you are looking for. Just "feel them out", so to speak and move on if it doesn't look like he is of this mindset or wouldn't want to travel down this road.

Some would disagree with me but I really think it is usually a mistake to find the kink first and then look for the person afterward (as in searching BDSM personals or other online activities). To me that is just more of a shot in the dark. Maybe I'm different than others but I like having a soul mate kind of "marriage" type relationship with someone who is sexually compatible. It would seem to me that going for the kink first and the person later that you would be more apt to find someone who fulfills you sexually but is not your soul mate and there is basically no love in the relationship. If that happens, and you are happy sexually but not spiritually, then what happens when you are in this great BDSM relationship and you meet someone you fall in love with or could fall in love with? Many people wind up in relationships where they love a person but their sex life is unsatisfactory. Are you willing to settle for a sex life where the sex is exactly what you want but there is no love? If you are "owned" by someone how do you ever find the love of your life? Just my two cents.

And, by the way, I truly believe there are a whole lot of kinky people out there and that they are far easier to find than most people realize. It is a stereotype that most everyone is vanilla and the only way to find BDSM is to look only in BDSM venues.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Well, you have two search parameters-- someone who can be your soul mate, and someone who shares your kink.

If the soulmate part is the most important part, then start with that search. If you know that you cannot be happy with anyone who does not share your kink, maybe you should start there. Because living with a soul mate but without your kink is a real unhappy experience.

Nobody said this was easy...

 

[Loverskitten]

Nobody said this was easy...

It's FUCKING impossible! I know, I've been trying, for too long now. /frustrated

 

[njlauren]

SWB makes a very good point, it depends also what you are looking for. If you are looking for people in a kink only relationship then searching websites, groups, etc might work out okay, if this isn't also a soulmate/partner kind of thing. If looking for one that combines the romantic with the kink, it might not work as well if for the fact that the pool of available kink people is a lot smaller then among people as a whole.

I can tell you from experience that 'create a dom/me' out of someone you are linked to romantically/etc is kind of hot and neat, where you grow together, learn together, etc, I have done that and it is a pretty wonderful experience (I was more experienced, in that I had done a lot of scene play with pro dommes, but that is light years different then in a relationship. Greenery press had some books around that topic (www.greenerypress.com) that I think might fit the bill, books like the "Kinky Girl's guide to dating" and another one called 'conquer me' written for female het subs. I haven't read those but greenery press back in the day was known for having some pretty decent, fun books. No guarantees, but I suspect you will find that men you date might be more receptive to exploring kinky stuff, most guys I know if a girl said she wanted to explore kink play, like being tied up, spanked, etc, would not exactly be running away (young guys I mean), I hazard a guess it is prob easier to get a young male you are dating to go kink with you then it may be for a guy to get a woman to top him, if only because dominance is still kind of inherent in M/F couplings in terms of the male role IME in some ways...

Might be good to look at information on how to introduce kink into a relationship while trying to find the guy of your dreams..hint, if he thinks Rick Santorum is an ideal presidential candidate, ya might not want to approach him about this stuff

 

[His_pet_slut]

The flip side of the coin...

I am firmly in the camp of if the kink is that important to you, make sure you are compatible in that arena first. Trust me, there is nothing much worse than loving someone and watching them be miserable as they try to become the Dominant you crave. It hurts both of you and the relationship. I speak from hard learned experience.

 

[Stella_Omega]

I am firmly in the camp of if the kink is that important to you, make sure you are compatible in that arena first. Trust me, there is nothing much worse than loving someone and watching them be miserable as they try to become the Dominant you crave. It hurts both of you and the relationship. I speak from hard learned experience.

Yup. I lived with a soulmate for a long time-- now, I'd rather live without my soulmate, because I need my kink.

 

[Curious_in_Cali]

I am firmly in the camp of if the kink is that important to you, make sure you are compatible in that arena first. Trust me, there is nothing much worse than loving someone and watching them be miserable as they try to become the Dominant you crave. It hurts both of you and the relationship. I speak from hard learned experience.

So very, very true that this is a tough thing to walk through. *hug*

 

[Jenneva]

Yup. I lived with a soulmate for a long time-- now, I'd rather live without my soulmate, because I need my kink.

that's sad. I hope you find both. I still have hope for me, but who knows?!?

 

[DVS]

that's sad. I hope you find both. I still have hope for me, but who knows?!?

February 20th, 2002. It was a Wednesday.

 

[subwannabe]

Just keep in mind there are four possibilities:

1. not finding anyone - usually this doesn't last "forever"

2. having love but unhappy in sex

3. happy in sex but no love

4. It is possible to have your cake and eat it too! Don't give up on that chance if this is what you really want.

 

[ouchfeelsgood]

I'm afraid I will see someone I know (and the repercussions that would follow from that) And partially because I don't really trust the internet to meet people. Maybe I'm too paranoid, but whatever.

Keep in mind that if you see someone you know sees you at an event, they in turn have been spotted by you! Munches and related events are really the safest venues to get to know people in the scene. Good luck!

 

[smart_and_sexytxgirl]

And from my experience, in not a few cases the BD/SM stuff ends up flowing from a 'vanilla' relationship. I have been into BD/SM a long time, my life partner was not for many years, didn't know it (I used pro dommes), but eventually it ended up being in our relationship in a pretty serious way, hopefully will be again in the not so distant future (hit some bumps in the road, big ones, more like recovering from some wrecks..). Some of the best BD/SM relationships and people kind of self generated that way, they weren't into the serious scene community, had little contact (this was before the Internet became such a rich resource), they just kind of spontaneously generated

Thanks for your advice, and I would like for it to just be there one day....I just don't know if it will

Just keep in mind there are four possibilities:

1. not finding anyone - usually this doesn't last "forever"

2. having love but unhappy in sex

3. happy in sex but no love

4. It is possible to have your cake and eat it too! Don't give up on that chance if this is what you really want.

Thanks for keeping my eyes on the options....and one just might lead into another.

Yup. I lived with a soulmate for a long time-- now, I'd rather live without my soulmate, because I need my kink.

That's sad to me. But I'm a die hard romantic. I wish you both!

 

[njlauren]

Smart and sexy-

There are few guarantees with anything in relationships. People who are sexually compatible often turn out to be bad in bed, etc. On the other hand what we assume often turns out not to be the truth. I have been there, I kept my feelings about bdsm to myself, I did it secretly with pro dommes, because I assumed my spouse would never be interested...and I found out quite differently, to my surprise (and delight).

Especially these days kink doesn't have the stigma it once did and most people seem at least to be curious, especially among younger people. If kink is important to you, then I would advise a)trying to figure out what you need and b) letting anyone you seem to be getting interested in/serious in that that is important to you. Sexual compatibility is important and if kink is that important then it has to be out there IMO. It is hard to find a soulmate who is perfect in all regards, and yes trying to find a soulmate who is into kink makes it a bit harder, but it can be done. One of the reasons you need to figure out what you need is because you may need to educate someone on what this is all about, that it isn't about being into treated like shit, that pain is stubbing your toe at 2am going to the bathroom, not what play is about (I used that one with my wife, it seemed to work *smile*), that it isn't about abuse, about lack of self esteem, but rather about experiencing pleasure and such differently. If you are honest about it up front, you don't have to face seeing what someone else did, someone you already love struggling to be what you want......this way you aren't giving your heart to someone who isn't compatible, assuming kink is important to you.

I am not polyanna, it can be hard enough to find a soulmate who is into this stuff,, and even when you do life can get in the way of that, as it did in my case (long story, though it didn't have to do with bd/sm itself, rather the rest of life overwhelming us to where we didn't have the energy or desire,that seems to be slowly coming back. Heck it is hard to find a soulmate anyway...

And before you find a mate, you still can do kink as a play thing, find dominants simply for play; one of them might turn into a soulmate, but you can look while playing, too

 

[smart_and_sexytxgirl]

Smart and sexy-

I am not polyanna, it can be hard enough to find a soulmate who is into this stuff,, and even when you do life can get in the way of that, as it did in my case (long story, though it didn't have to do with bd/sm itself, rather the rest of life overwhelming us to where we didn't have the energy or desire,that seems to be slowly coming back. Heck it is hard to find a soulmate anyway...

And before you find a mate, you still can do kink as a play thing, find dominants simply for play; one of them might turn into a soulmate, but you can look while playing, too

My biggest problem right now is finding someone who is into the same things sexually that I am. Would i like it to be something long-term someday? yes. Right now? Not so much.

Thanks for your advice. I think I do just want to try things out and see how they fit.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Keep in mind that if you see someone you know sees you at an event, they in turn have been spotted by you! Munches and related events are really the safest venues to get to know people in the scene. Good luck!

Unless the person who sees you does not have anything to lose through being open/exposed for being there, but you do.

Catalina

 

[Loverskitten]

Unless the person who sees you does not have anything to lose through being open/exposed for being there, but you do.

Catalina

I'm curious through all this talk, what is so wring with people knowing you like rough, kinky sex?
I mean unless you are married, or making videos (available to students, clients, co-workers, etc) or doing something illegal, big fucking deal. I like sex, often kinky sex, so sue me! The world needs more sex.
See I say we need a day, complete with a parade. Get over it
Am I desensitized?

Note: as my friend said the other day "there's a difference between being a slut and being sexual, and you are sexual, big deal" amen girl!

 

[catalina_francisco]

I'm curious through all this talk, what is so wring with people knowing you like rough, kinky sex?
I mean unless you are married, or making videos (available to students, clients, co-workers, etc) or doing something illegal, big fucking deal. I like sex, often kinky sex, so sue me! The world needs more sex.
See I say we need a day, complete with a parade. Get over it
Am I desensitized?

Note: as my friend said the other day "there's a difference between being a slut and being sexual, and you are sexual, big deal" amen girl!

I don't need to get over anything, but I think perhaps you are more than a little naive if you do not understand why some may not want to shout to the rooftops they are living in a kink related relationship. As much as some of us are happy and proud of our relationships, just like the vanilla folk are, there are professions that are not that proud and understanding, and some who even would view you as a risk....and even some regular employers who just do not want staff working for them which they feel do not measure up to their ethics, morals or ideals. If you are someone who is employed by someone like that, or in a profession where it could be seen as a huge liability (and there are many which people invest a lot of money, effort and time into training for and reaching a level of professionalism in their field) that is only safe when dealt with through ending your employment and possibly any chance of working in your profession again, it is smarter to take that into account before exposing yourself and risking your loss of income and financial future. It can also result in the loss of children in custody battles or through governent agencies deeming you a risk to your children's well being because of your kink.

Personally I am not someone who is wishing and hoping for the world to accept my kink and embrace me for it, or kink in general...it would not change anything in my life, nor do I tend to care if others would approve or not....but I do need to be aware of repercussions if it comes to the attention of certain people and act accordingly. And yes, in some places it is illegal, but even in places it is legal, it can still be used against those involved to ruin and end careers and employment so that seems to hold little protection.

Catalina

 

[Loverskitten]

I don't need to get over anything, but I think perhaps you are more than a little naive if you do not understand why some may not want to shout to the rooftops they are living in a kink related relationship. As much as some of us are happy and proud of our relationships, just like the vanilla folk are, there are professions that are not that proud and understanding, and some who even would view you as a risk....and even some regular employers who just do not want staff working for them which they feel do not measure up to their ethics, morals or ideals. If you are someone who is employed by someone like that, or in a profession where it could be seen as a huge liability (and there are many which people invest a lot of money, effort and time into training for and reaching a level of professionalism in their field) that is only safe when dealt with through ending your employment and possibly any chance of working in your profession again, it is smarter to take that into account before exposing yourself and risking your loss of income and financial future. It can also result in the loss of children in custody battles or through governent agencies deeming you a risk to your children's well being because of your kink.

Personally I am not someone who is wishing and hoping for the world to accept my kink and embrace me for it, or kink in general...it would not change anything in my life, nor do I tend to care if others would approve or not....but I do need to be aware of repercussions if it comes to the attention of certain people and act accordingly. And yes, in some places it is illegal, but even in places it is legal, it can still be used against those involved to ruin and end careers and employment so that seems to hold little protection.

Catalina

I wasn't just addressing you, it was society as a whole.

And I get the professionalism thing. I even get the parenting thing.
I'm not saying we should practice our kink in front of the world, there's a time and place for that (just like vanilla sex) it's common sense :/
But who cares if someone sees you at a munch? Is it so awful to be curious or sexual? You aren't fucking everyone right there at the restaurant.
I guess I am desensitized but I'm also somewhat private.

 

[Loverskitten]

BTW I've been in one of those "ahhh fuck it" moods lately

 

[catalina_francisco]

I wasn't just addressing you, it was society as a whole.

And I get the professionalism thing. I even get the parenting thing.
I'm not saying we should practice our kink in front of the world, there's a time and place for that (just like vanilla sex) it's common sense :/
But who cares if someone sees you at a munch? Is it so awful to be curious or sexual? You aren't fucking everyone right there at the restaurant.
I guess I am desensitized but I'm also somewhat private.

No problem. I guess the concern for being seen at a munch comes back to the risk factor of being outed and suffering the consequences. The person who sees you may not have a reason to keep their kink quiet, but may not respect your need to do so, or might even take pleasure in creating an issue for you. Wish it were otherwise.

Catalina

 

[catalina_francisco]

BTW I've been in one of those "ahhh fuck it" moods lately

Been there, done that...comes and goes.

Catalina

 

[Curious_in_Cali]

No problem. I guess the concern for being seen at a munch comes back to the risk factor of being outed and suffering the consequences. The person who sees you may not have a reason to keep their kink quiet, but may not respect your need to do so, or might even take pleasure in creating an issue for you. Wish it were otherwise.

Catalina

I agree. I wish people could be more tolerant and compassionate of one another as a whole... it is such a nice thought. Reality is where we live, though.

Everything we do and every choice we make has risk, and only the person/people involved knows their situation(s) well enough to weigh the risks and decide what they can afford.

 

[DVS]

Many jobs in the U.S. (and probably in other countries) are scrutinized by what you do and are in your personal life. If you've claimed bankruptcy, if you have a history of not paying your bills on time and if you're 6 months late paying some, you might not get that job you want. They now consider a good employee should be a good person in every way.

Many jobs have an outward appearance to the public as a professional position and if someone is openly being sexual in their personal life, it might not look good to the employer. Like in my state and the state beside it, you can be fired for no reason what so ever. That's the law. Also, you can quit at any time you want, for no reason, too. Give no notice, just don't show up any more. It's called "an employment at will state". That means as long as you outwardly live your life as they feel you should, you are a good candidate to represent their company. But, if you get vocal, get flashy, get noticed doing something they don't care to be associated with, you could be politely fired.

I work in such an industry. You must appear professional on the job. Sure, they don't care what you do in your private life, as long as it stays in your private life. But, if you see someone at a munch and for some reason they don't like you, or maybe they have a vendetta for some reason, they can damage your job. And if they have no reason to fear being outed themselves, they don't have the same fear as you do.

I have the pleasure to live close to Fred Phelps and family. Years ago, before they made a name for themselves in the big time, they were harassing the local scene and would picket restaurants where munches were held. At the time, they were just against gays and lesbians, but they knew they could make an impact if they brought attention to the restaurant. Most restaurant owners didn't like being in the media allowing heathens to gather in their establishment. It might not have meant anything to them, but they had to think about their other customers.

Why do you think we have avatars and fake names on this forum? Why do you think any forum has this kind of format? It's just a basic format for most any forum, but it allows you to be who you want to be, without any repercussions from society. It's also against the rules here to "out" somebody. See? There's even a word for it.

No, not everybody has this fear. I wish I didn't. I'd love to tell certain people to know this side of me. I'd like to show my real face on this forum, and not be fearful of what it might bring my way, if I did. For people to know that I like to tie women up and beat them? There are still a lot of uptight people out there who don't understand BDSM. They think we are mentally sick and need to be cured, or we're criminals and should be locked up for beating on defenseless women. Some of them are employers.

But, it's just a fact of life for me, and I'm OK with that. We have some stupid rules in this world. I don't like how they've encroached into our personal lives, but they have. It's just something some of us have to deal with. The plus is, you don't have to see a picture of the real me. It's FRIGHTENING, and not in a good way.

 

[DVS]

BTW I've been in one of those "ahhh fuck it" moods lately

Try chewing some gum. It's good for what ails ya'.

 

[keenwhizz1]

http://*****/aA3Zy