Finally stepping out of the sidelines

[VincentC]

I've lurked around here for a while, thought I would finally step out of the shadows and say hello.

"Hello"

In my signature is my first attempt at an erotic story. I realize my grammar is a bit lacking in places but I hope you enjoy it. I do have a second chapter and few other stories in the works. I hope to get them posted up soon.

I appreciate any feedback.

Thanks for you time.

Regards,
Vincent.

 

[BCarlo]

that was fun. Yes your grammar was rough in some spots but the overall quality of your writing made up for it. It was a fun and entertaining story.

 

[VincentC]

that was fun. Yes your grammar was rough in some spots but the overall quality of your writing made up for it. It was a fun and entertaining story.

Thanks. I am working on a sequel. Also have a few other stories in the works. Can anyone recommend a good editor? The volunteer editor I contacted never replied back.....

 

[albrooks]

Hello Vincent! I am new here as well but for what it's worth I really enjoyed reading your story. Although you gave some forshadowing as to the end, I was honestly so wrapped up in the story that I didn't realize what was going to happen until the characters got off the plane. I hope you continue writing. Good luck with finding an editior and I hope this feedback helps

 

[VincentC]

Thank you very much. Glad you liked it.

Been a crazy couple of weeks, we'll see if I can get something close to completion. I'll try a different volunteer editor.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Vincent, a great start and welcome.

Yes, there are some grammar glitches but I feel you could have proofread your story to correct some glaring typos.

As was said, you telegraph your story by dwelling too much on the 'Smith' connection - who would think that - and the rural towns. The conclusion does not come as the big shock you wanted.

Also, you seem scared of dialogue. The conversation in the airport is good but when you come to the hotel suite and bar you have shrunk back into a litany of 'He said', 'She said' that is far less dynamic and reader-inclusive than if you'd put all that as straight dialogue. We want to be 'there' not 'told'. Even the sex could be more dialogue than anatomical.

Don't get me wrong. I think your story is a great take on the incest theme and I enjoyed it. If I were you, I wouldn't write a second chapter. You have used the surprise story plot and writing these characters again would be a letdown. Best start anew.

A tip well published is that it is good to just jump into the action to capture the readers. You give far too much back-story of the principal players before getting going. All the guff about her ex and his depressing family can come out with dialogue.

My choice would have been to start in the airport where she is crying/shouting and take it from there as he talks to her.

A very good start, IMHO.

Elle

 

[VincentC]

Thanks Elle, points well taken.