Starting a new story and need some feedback

[saraslutty1]

Im starting a new story and would like some feed back on where I have come so far and how things can go from here so that its believable and intense. I find that the aspect of a cheating wife comes more from the inner mind and inhibitions instead of a physical rection.


It was a sunny Saturday morning about 1100am, but the weather was still cool. Eric and James were in their apartment not doing a whole lot. Eric was sitting on the couch playing a game on his Playstation. James was in the kitchen area eating a bowl or cereal watching the progress of Eric’s game. Neither one showered and were still in their pajama bottoms and t-shirts. Their hair still in a cow lick. Their apartment was on a second story of the complex that had a balcony that oversaw the pool area.

Eric was a 20 year old student studying computer networking. He was 5’9” with a slender build, black hair and brown eyes. James was also 20 years old studying film and photography. He was 5’8” slightly heavier than Eric with dirty blonde hair and slight growth of a goatee. Both became friends in their earlier years of college and because roommates with their mutual friend Jason.

The door bell range in the lull of their morning.

“Don’t get up man, I’ll get it.” James teased Eric as he got up and walked to the door.

He got to the door and peeked through the wall eye. “Dude” James said with some confusion and excitement. He stepped back and opened the door. On the other side was an older woman in her late 30’s early 40’s who was as tall as James with shoulder length brown hair pulled back to a tail with green eyes wearing blue jeans and a gray sweater with her sunglasses on her head. She had one piece of luggage she was wheeling behind her and a piece of paper in the other hand. “Um, hello is this 3b?” she asked. “Yes, it is” James replied. The sound of a woman’s voice entering the apartment made Eric pause his game and lean his head behind the couch to see what’s going on. “Is Jason here?” She said in a happily expected way. “Jason, um no he left yesterday. Can I help you with anything?” Jason asked out of politeness. “Gone?! Are you kidding me?” she asked. “No he went out to the lake for some gathering with his bio class.” James explained. “I told him I was coming over last month.” She mumbled to her self. She looked up and forgot that she didn’t introduce herself. “Sorry, I’m Sara. I’m Jason’s mom.” She reached her hand out. Jason’s eyes bulged out his head as the realization came to him. Not so much that his friends mom ,who he thought was very attractive for her age, was in front of him but more of not knowing how to fix the problem or how to get in touch with Jason. “Oh I’m Jason, please come inside.” He said while shaking her hand and leading her inside. “Uh just please don’t mind the mess.” He nervously said. Eric looked in confusion as to who this woman was. “Eric this is Jason’s mom, Sara. She came to visit him.” Jason said. Eric got up and scurried to her to shake her hand. “Hello I’m Eric, Um Jason is gone for the weekend I think.” Eric Repeated. “Yea I just found that out.” She said. James started cleaning up the area of some papers and laundry and dishes from all around the apartment. She saw this from the corner of her eye. “I cant believe that he’s living like this.” She said with s smile on her face. The other gently laughed along. “Um do you happen to have a yellow pages I can use?” She asked. “Um yea, I have one here.” Eric said as he went to the kitchen. He grabbed the book and handed it to her. “Do you mind if I sat down?” She asked. “Sure go ahead” both of them said. She sat at the kitchen table where James was eating cereal and wheeled her luggage next to her as she searched for the hotel section. Eric and James nervously started cleaning up some but not doing an entirely great job.

“So um where are you coming from?” Eric asked.

“San Diego.” She replied

“Did you just fly in here?” James asked.

“Yes I just landed.” She said, as she started looking up the few hotels in the book.

“Dude, kinda messed up” James whispered to Eric.

Sara started calling around to the different hotels for an availability, but because of a big football game going on everyone was booked. As a last resort she started calling the airlines for a flight back to San Diego, but again with a weather front and booking there weren’t any availabilities to fly out. While she was trying to call around for what her options were James came over and asked if she wanted something to drink or eat to which he gave her a glass of water. Over hearing the conversation she was having with her phone he stuck around until she was done with talking. “Um if you want you can stay here. Jason’s room is just down the hall and I guarantee that it’s cleaner than the rest of this place.” James asked, not with any intention but out of a polite gesture. “well the way things are going I just may have to.” She said.

The two boys were sitting onthe couch playing their video game, trying to give Sara her space to make some arrangements. A couple minutes passed when she walked up to them and asked if she could sit down. to which they absolutly said ofcourse. She sat down on the other couch that was set up against the wall. She was watching their game and took a deep breath. "Um, it seems that everything is booked, and um if its possible do you guys mind if I can stay here for a day or two until my flight back? I promise I wont get in the way or interupt any plans you guys may have....." She said.

"Oh no please. It's no problem." Eric stammered

"Sure its ok. Anything to help out. It's no problem" James seconded.

"Thanks. This is just such a terrible weekend so far. I won't be in the way. Thanks again guys." Sara said.

She got up and whelled her luggage down the hall.

"Um Jasons room is the last on the right." Jason said as she walked away.

"Thanks" She replied as she made her way to his room.

the sound of teh far bedroom door gently closing echoed down the hallway.

"Dude, this is going to be kinda weird huh?" Eric asked James.

"Kinda. I mean what else were we supposed to do? It seemed kinda messed up and I figured we should help her out. She looked pretty desperate and in need of some help. I just wish the place was a bit more cleaner." James chuckled.

"Wait a second.....man I thought we were gonna go chek out Iron Man?", Eric asked James.

"Dude, that's right. do you still want to go? Do you think we should ask her to go with us? James replied.

"Do you think shes into stuff like that?" Eric said.

"It might be rude not to ask her to go or even to just leave her here. I'll go ask her." James said as he put down his controller and walked down the hall way.

James walked down the hall slowly starting to peak in the doorway. He saw Sara standing over her luggage which waas on the bed. She was unpacking some items. James gently knocked.

"Um Sara, can I come in?" James gently whispered.

She looked up at the door. "Yes. Come in." She replied.

James opened hte door and stood at the threshold.

"Um me and Eric were planing on going to the movies pretty soon. If you want to come so your not alone it's ok?" James asked.

"Well thanks, but I'm a bit tired from the flight and I was lokng to take a nap for a bit if you dont mind?" she said as she was continuing to unpack.

"Oh no no problem. It will at least give you some quiet time and not be disturbed.

She smiled "thanks"

James went back to tell Eric that the movies was still on. After a quick shower from they got dressed and started making their way out the door. James went to find Sara to tell her that athey were leaving. He went to the kitchen where she was drinking a glass of water.

"Um were gonna go now but if you need anything please make your self at home and if you need to contact us here is our cell phone numbers." James said.

"thanks." Sara said as she took the piece of paper.

James turned and exited the apartment. Sara walkd around a bit and turned on the tv for osme background noise. she was impressed that he son was now living on his own, but not to pleased with the state of it's cleanliness. She decieded to do something about that right after seh took a shower. She went to her sons room and started undressing and preparing to use the shower. she placed her used clothing on top the bed next to her luggage and took out some fresh newer ones. she made her way down the hall way to the only bathroom and shut the door. As she was in there with the water running and enjoying the feeling of fnally having a shower from thata flight, Eric came inteh apartment forgetting his student ID which gives him a discount on the movie ticket. He heard teh shower going and stoped for a second. He saw the bathroom light coming from below the door. He snuck past as not to let on that hes home and went tot his room to retrieve his ID. As he got it and started making his way down the hall he saw Jasons room was open and a pile of neatly folded luggage on the bed. He made sure that he cold still hear the shower running as he crept in the room. he moved aside some clothing as not to leave a trace that anyone was going thorugh. He suddenly found to his suprise a collection of panties. Excited he was about to grab a pair when he heard the shower turn off. He quickly grabbed a pair withought seeing it and gently made his way outside to the car where James was waiting. Nervous Eric got inthe car and carefully slide a ball of material in his pocket not knowing if he should tell James..............

 

[Boxlicker101]

It has some possibilities, from what I have read, but needs extensive editing. You seem to have no grasp of paragraphing or sentence structure or spelling or punctuation.

I'm going to assume Sara stays with the two young me and they get it on and everybody has a great time. This would probably fit best into Group Sex, unless you want to throw it to the wolves of Loving Wives, assuminging she is married. The premise sounds okay, assuming the two men are close enough friends with Sara's son to be willing to give her a place to crash for a few days.

ETA: Having said that, I think you might be putting in too many details, and I can't help wondering why somebody would be surprised that a woman would have clean panties in her suitcase.

 

[CharlieGG]

Sara...

To take Box's thoughts further... take a look at your first two paragraphs (this is all that I've read so far and fully understand what Box is saying...)

It was a sunny Saturday morning about 1100am, but the weather was still cool. Eric and James were in their apartment not doing a whole lot. Eric was sitting on the couch playing a game on his Playstation. James was in the kitchen area eating a bowl or cereal watching the progress of Eric’s game. Neither one showered and were still in their pajama bottoms and t-shirts. Their hair still in a cow lick. Their apartment was on a second story of the complex that had a balcony that oversaw the pool area.

Eric was a 20 year old student studying computer networking. He was 5’9” with a slender build, black hair and brown eyes. James was also 20 years old studying film and photography. He was 5’8” slightly heavier than Eric with dirty blonde hair and slight growth of a goatee. Both became friends in their earlier years of college and because roommates with their mutual friend Jason.​

Just read them to yourself. ba dum ba dum stop. ba dum ba dum stop.

There has to be a flow that makes people want to keep reading.

Let's try the first paragraph again:

It was a pretty standard Saturday morning for Eric and James in their apartment. Despite the fact it was past 11:00 a.m., neither of them had so much as showered and, while Eric zoned out in front of the Playstation, James slowly munched on a bowl of cereal, watching his roommate blast away at virtual zombies.​

Now, don't get me wrong, the above paragraph isn't winning any Lit prizes either, but it flows a little bit more and gets across everything you want to say.

As for the second paragraph, try and avoid these "describing for the sake of describing" paragraphs. There will be plenty of time to get details like this out there if you need to and often you don't have to at all.

 

[Sluts4Skanks]

You did what you needed to do, which is get the story down on paper. Now you need to think about style, about prose, and about how the story needs to look and flow. Read some articles on writing style and prose if they aren't the same thing and I bet you'll begin crafting your story and it will become polished.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

It sux.

 

[Boxlicker101]

It sux.

Don't take JBJ too serously; he is oe of the resident trolls.

As I said, your story has possibilities, but you have to learn the mechanics of writing better to actually post it anywhere. There are a multitude of spelling and grammatical and punctuation errors and, during a coversation, every time a new speaker is heard from, there has to be a new paragraph. You also have a lot of uncorrected typos, which makes your work look sloppy.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

Don't take JBJ too serously; he is oe of the resident trolls.

As I said, your story has possibilities, but you have to learn the mechanics of writing better to actually post it anywhere. There are a multitude of spelling and grammatical and punctuation errors and, during a coversation, every time a new speaker is heard from, there has to be a new paragraph. You also have a lot of uncorrected typos, which makes your work look sloppy.

And the story still sux. You say so yourself but use more words to say it.

 

[_Lynn_]

Don't take JBJ too serously; he is oe of the resident trolls.

As I said, your story has possibilities, but you have to learn the mechanics of writing better to actually post it anywhere. There are a multitude of spelling and grammatical and punctuation errors and, during a coversation, every time a new speaker is heard from, there has to be a new paragraph. You also have a lot of uncorrected typos, which makes your work look sloppy.

And the story still sux. You say so yourself but use more words to say it.

Box is right about the errors, but I have to agree with JBJ as well.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

Box is right about the errors, but I have to agree with JBJ as well.

Whats so amazing is how all of us are raised on fairy tales and tv and movies, and we cant figure out what a story is.

 

[sr71plt]

Whats so amazing is how all of us are raised on fairy tales and tv and movies, and we cant figure out what a story is.

What amazes me is that everyone supposedly took English classes in school and some do enough reading to think they'd like to write too--but then show they couldn't possibly have been awake in English class or taken notice of what they'd ever read by the mess they produce when they write.

 

[TE999]

I could not cut my way through that bramble choked thicket of literary errors. Suffice to say get thee to an editor or better still, to a creative writing class.

 

[Boxlicker101]

What amazes me is that everyone supposedly took English classes in school and some do enough reading to think they'd like to write too--but then show they couldn't possibly have been awake in English class or taken notice of what they'd ever read by the mess they produce when they write.

It has been many years since I graduated from high school and, as I remember, we spent all our time on literature. I learned things such as grammar, punctuation, spelling, etc. in elementary school. If the original poster has not been to college, she may not have been exposed to much of that.

 

[sr71plt]

Then a wake-up call is a good response, right?

 

[Boxlicker101]

Then a wake-up call is a good response, right?

Yes, although I would not want to scare her off.

 

[lance gt]

After reading your profile, Sara, stick to RP, more your forte.

 

[sr71plt]

Yes, although I would not want to scare her off.

If it's a matter of scaring her off until she learns the basics, that's actually a blessing for all, including her. But I was trying to comment in the general, not the specific. And my English teachers plugged away at grammar, punctuation, and spelling all the way through high school and into the first year of college (sorry yours didn't). If someone has no hold on the basics in any line of endeavor, I think it's best they are told that right off the bat--best, even, for them. And if it makes them back off until they do learn the basics, that's good too.

Not told as bluntly at JBJ did/does, of course. Especially since JBJ hasn't exhibited any writing prowess worth spit either--and because there's no indication that he's trying to be helpful when he does it.

 

[SEVERUSMAX]

You did what you needed to do, which is get the story down on paper. Now you need to think about style, about prose, and about how the story needs to look and flow. Read some articles on writing style and prose if they aren't the same thing and I bet you'll begin crafting your story and it will become polished.

I concur. A good Volunteer Editor and some streamlining would help. Trust me, Sara, I was like this in many ways when I started. You need only look at some of my older tales to see that. Don't let them get you down. Just take the constructive criticism and use it to improve your style, so people can read and enjoy your story on its own merits.

 

[Boxlicker101]

I concur. A good Volunteer Editor and some streamlining would help. Trust me, Sara, I was like this in many ways when I started. You need only look at some of my older tales to see that. Don't let them get you down. Just take the constructive criticism and use it to improve your style, so people can read and enjoy your story on its own merits.

A volunteer editor with the patience of Job, you mean. I do some editing, but I would refuse to touch that one until the author fixed some of the more egregious errors, such as spelling ad paragraphing.

The story line looks quite good for a stroke story, and a lot could be made of it, but only after a lot of errors were cleaned up.

 

[SEVERUSMAX]

A volunteer editor with the patience of Job, you mean. I do some editing, but I would refuse to touch that one until the author fixed some of the more egregious errors, such as spelling ad paragraphing.

The story line looks quite good for a stroke story, and a lot could be made of it, but only after a lot of errors were cleaned up.

Point taken. There's a lot of the newbie mistakes to correct first, and then the VE would have less stressful work.

There's some potential, as you said, and I'd hate to see the writer give up. She just needs to work harder on refining her craft.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

Yes, although I would not want to scare her off.

Maybe she needs scaring off.