Beeing Pushed To Far!

[Shyandlusty]

Don't know where else to turn. Really hoping someone can help me!

I'm very submissive...if thats even what i should call it. I can't say no. and i can't lie. I don't know what the fuck i'm supposed to do.
Met a really great guy here and we started chatting, or at least he was in the beginning. Now i feel very taken advantage of. He doesn't respect my boundries.....or i can't make my self to tell him when he's crossing them.
He scares me...yet i don't want to loose him...and yes i know i'm beeing way pathetic. Please don't ridicule me or make fun...if you were in my shoes what would you do.
I know i need to learn to say NO, but i can't...i'm also very shy. I know hat in reality he can't really do aything to me, but i can't seem to really understand that. He makes me do things that humiliates me in my real life.

I know i seem so PATHETIC, please don't judge me...i really need someone to understand and help me!

Other guys pick up on my secret incredibly fast, and i hate it. When there is someone in my real life i really want to meet, but he makes me so nervous i don't want this to happen in the real world!

I just got out of an abusive relationship and scared of it happening again.

In my real life i'm not submissive at all. I'm bossy and don't take bullshit from anyone.....But here i loose my ability to be like that. I FUCKING hate it.

Please any advice would be appreciated I'm not really as stupid and naive as i seem. But this guy brings it out in me.

 

[the captians wench]

Okay, I was like this 5 years ago, only it was in every part of my life.

My advice: Stay away from this lifestyle until you learn to speak up for yourself.

I was lucky that I found people who truly wanted me to be happy, loved, and cared about me. But even though I had these people, I fell prey to some people who didn't nessisarily have my best interests in mind. It was a dark time in my life.

Communication is a huge part of any relationship, if you can not speak up when you are uncomfortable, this lifestyle can be very dangerous.

 

[Shyandlusty]

Thank you
Think i am just going to have to be more firm with myself and not accept bullshit.

 

[His_pet_slut]

If it is spilling over into your everyday life and causing you this much distress, you need to take a huge step back. It may entail not accessing any sites such as this at all, and blocking the individual that you are involved with from your email, phone, etc.

You need to make sure you have dealt with the abusive relationship and know where the boundaries are before you delve into bdsm.

Best of luck.

 

[bhndblueyes88]

What they said. Get out, step back, and take some time for yourself. If anyone has a problem with that, they aren't worth missing

 

[zathras52003]

Dude who doesn't respect your limits isn't worth it. That Viking stuff went away a long time ago.

You shouldn't be afraid of losing him.

 

[Bandit58]

He scares me...yet i don't want to loose him

What are you afraid of losing? An ass hat who doesn't respect you or your limits. And if this is online only, then block and delete is your best friend.

I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for over 20 years. My self esteem took a hiding and I got taken advantage of by someone I met online who professed to love me. So I know what it's like to give everything to someone only to have it abused. My advice - get rid of him. You don't need that in your life

 

[johnjamesg]

I suggest you forget about him and send me a PM. I can make you forget all about him.

 

[CutieMouse]

I'm very submissive...if thats even what i should call it. I can't say no. and i can't lie. .

<snip>

I know i need to learn to say NO, but i can't...i'm also very shy.

<snip>
I just got out of an abusive relationship and scared of it happening again.

In my real life i'm not submissive at all. I'm bossy and don't take bullshit from anyone.....But here i loose my ability to be like that. I FUCKING hate it.

The inability to say no, or lie (I presume about if you did something you were told or not) has zip, zero, nada to do with submission; it's a boundaries issue. If you have a history of abusive relationships, the odds are good that you will continue to have abusive relationships until you learn to break the cycle and set boundaries.

As for "can't say no"? Actually, you CAN say no, you're just choosing not to. It's quite possible you're choosing not to because you lack healthy boundaries (Noticing a pattern here?), but the cold hard truth is that you CAN choose to say no... it's just waaaaaaaaay more uncomfortable right now than it's worth.

Okay, I was like this 5 years ago, only it was in every part of my life.

My advice: Stay away from this lifestyle until you learn to speak up for yourself.

I was lucky that I found people who truly wanted me to be happy, loved, and cared about me. But even though I had these people, I fell prey to some people who didn't necessarily have my best interests in mind. It was a dark time in my life.

Communication is a huge part of any relationship, if you can not speak up when you are uncomfortable, this lifestyle can be very dangerous.

Wenchie for the win!

I suggest you forget about him and send me a PM. I can make you forget all about him.

Aaaand this would be a prime example of what is commonly known as a Horny Net Geek... trolling BDSM boards, looking for someone vulnerable to use for a cyber-quickie.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Do you have a therapist? Can you get one?

 

[satindesire]

I suggest you forget about him and send me a PM. I can make you forget all about him.

Disgusting fucking creeper. Take your dick elsewhere, no one wants it, not even your hand.

 

[Kurokami]

If I might play devil's advocate for a moment... OP, don't get me wrong, you're definitely right to feel conflicted, ask for help, or break it off with this guy if he's making you feel at all uncomfortable or unhappy. In fact, that's pretty much what I'd suggest you do if this is an issue that's been carried out over a long period of time.

That being said: About being unable to say no... You need to learn to. Because if you're in a D/s relationship and are in any way unwilling to express your own limits in the heat of the moment, you're setting yourself up for some huge, painful misunderstandings down the line. I mean, this could actually put you in some unsafe positions; if you're not going to say "no, I don't want to do that," or "ow, that hurts too much, stop it," or "I'm uncomfortable with this situation, please untie me," then who will? See where I'm going with this?

Yes, a good Dom should be able to see when his sub is in a bad way and move to correct that, but sometimes, especially in these online things, it's not as obvious as we'd like, and we do need our subs to communicate with us. It's a two way street, after all.

Being a submissive in a new relationship does put you at quite a bit of risk, especially if you're new at it yourself, and I'd hate to see you get hurt over that. Maybe it's worth taking Wenchie's advice and staying out of the loop until you've learned to stick up for yourself. Whatever happens, good luck.

 

[Shyandlusty]

Do you have a therapist? Can you get one?

Tried it..don't really have any faith in it.

 

[Shyandlusty]

Thank you for all the helpfull advice,much appreciated
I found a way to protect myself, and i also have a friend that i can talk to who is amacing Kikori you know i appreciate and am thankfull for your patience

Discovered that my biggest mistake was not really realising what was happening until it was happening. I am not that new to this, but i do loose controle of myself at times. If i am shocked or surprised that's when i'm in trouble.
I learned to tell ppl my rules beforehand and the ppl i've talked to since was very accomodating

I do not feel that i need to move away from Lit i think i really just needed to get out of my head, and realise that i am a strong, independant woman who shouldn't take shit from anyone.
In my RL i have no trouble standing up for myself, so why should it be any different in my online life...Guess what it isn't.
I also think drinking beer to give me courage was a terrible idea. nothing good ever comes from that!!!

Looking back now i can't really understand how i could be so weak and stupid. I guess sometimes you really just need to step back and realise things aren't always as they seem.

I feel very fortunat though to have found some very understanding people who can help e explore a little bit more who is more sensitive in reading me.

Anyway thank you guys

 

[YourCaptor]

The submissive partner ultimately has all the power in a relationship. She can say no more anytime she wants and she will have the power of the law behind her.

With a dom that is pushing too far, it may be necessary to remind him that the next time you walk out, you wont be coming back.

And of course you must have the discipline to follow up on that.

 

[His_pet_slut]

Tried it..don't really have any faith in it.

This is probably not what you want to hear. It also should not in any way be interpreted as me blaming the victim as I was in an abusive marriage myself, many years ago. I know how difficult the journey is.

Here's the thing, though. You have to be ready to say that yes, terrible things happened. No, you did not deserve them. However, you are responsible for the aspects of your personality and the actions you take that set the stage to get involved with people like that again. With the assistance of a therapist that has worked with people dealing with the ptsd and other aspects of leaving an abusive relationship, you CAN learn to guard yourself from having it happen again without retreating from ever having another relationship.

Online should not be treated any differently than face to face relationships.

As far as BDSM goes in particular? If you need alcohol to do it, you ought not be doing it. Period.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Tried it..don't really have any faith in it.

Uh huh. But you don't want to lose an abusive dom.

 

[TheLM]

It doesn't sound like you have met him in person yet.

It should be super easy... Just stop talking to him if he can't respect you boundaries.

 

[kimuk]

Does a "Dom" really Make you do things? Dont we Choose to do them?

 

[His_pet_slut]

Does a "Dom" really Make you do things? Dont we Choose to do them?

DING, DING, DING! I have never encountered or heard of a Dom that could remove a sub's free will. I guess there is a chance that hypnosis could possibly play a role in it, but outside of that, we are the one making the choice to carry out the instructions of the Dom.

 

[Stella_Omega]

DING, DING, DING! I have never encountered or heard of a Dom that could remove a sub's free will. I guess there is a chance that hypnosis could possibly play a role in it, but outside of that, we are the one making the choice to carry out the instructions of the Dom.

NO!!!!1 WE ARE SUBMISSIVE!!!!!1!1!!!

It's not our fault.

...stop looking at me like that....

 

[Dream59]

I hope for the best for you, but the fact is nobody can help you if you can not, or will not help yourself. You have to be the one to speak up and let people know where the lines are drawn, you have to be the one to tell someone to take a hike if they need to be told. If therapy is not an option then I do not know a way that you can be helped. Someone online that does not know you can do no more that offer you advise, this is the same as therapy. I would suggest that you give therapy another try and attempt to raise your selfesteem so that you will stand up for yourself and set limits on other peoples behavior towards you. You are a pretty girl and I wish you luck.

 

[BiBunny]

You know...it's pretty easy to sit back and say, "Well, just say no, you stupid girl," when you haven't walked in her shoes. For some people, it's hard to say no, regardless of whether they're in a D/s relationship or not.

It's hard for me. It's hard as hell for me. Sometimes, I'm still not able to do it, which is why I'm not in a relationship or even looking for one right now. For some people, it's just natural to sacrifice themselves for others, even to the point of it being unhealthy for them.

Now, some of these folks can make peace with this part of themselves. OSG comes to mind as one of these people. Then, some of them (me, for example), realize that if they continue on down this path, they'll remain unhappy and angry and bitter for the rest of their lives. I feel like the OP is probably in the latter category, but she's not really sure what to do next.

But I can tell you that the condescending "Oh, well, you're choosing to act this way," comments are not helping her. She can certainly be empowered to change (and it seems like she wants to), but the self-righteous attitude that some people here are taking toward her are definitely not empowering her.

/rant

 

[Dream59]

You know...it's pretty easy to sit back and say, "Well, just say no, you stupid girl," when you haven't walked in her shoes. For some people, it's hard to say no, regardless of whether they're in a D/s relationship or not.

It's hard for me. It's hard as hell for me. Sometimes, I'm still not able to do it, which is why I'm not in a relationship or even looking for one right now. For some people, it's just natural to sacrifice themselves for others, even to the point of it being unhealthy for them.

Now, some of these folks can make peace with this part of themselves. OSG comes to mind as one of these people. Then, some of them (me, for example), realize that if they continue on down this path, they'll remain unhappy and angry and bitter for the rest of their lives. I feel like the OP is probably in the latter category, but she's not really sure what to do next.

But I can tell you that the condescending "Oh, well, you're choosing to act this way," comments are not helping her. She can certainly be empowered to change (and it seems like she wants to), but the self-righteous attitude that some people here are taking toward her are definitely not empowering her.

/rant

And you can rant all you wish but nobody can do it for her. If she refuses therapy in order to raise her self esteem, and she can not or will not set limits for the way people treat her, then pray tell how the situation is going to change? Would it help if I said that I would call the guy and tell him to back off? I would do it for her if it would help. In any abusive relationship the person that is being abused must take the steps to stop the abuse before anything can change, wether it means telling someone it is over or calling the police or other agencies for help.

 

[BiBunny]

And you can rant all you wish but nobody can do it for her. If she refuses therapy in order to raise her self esteem, and she can not or will not set limits for the way people treat her, then pray tell how the situation is going to change? Would it help if I said that I would call the guy and tell him to back off? I would do it for her if it would help. In any abusive relationship the person that is being abused must take the steps to stop the abuse before anything can change, wether it means telling someone it is over or calling the police or other agencies for help.

Please show me where I said someone else should do it for her.

Go ahead. I'll wait.