Breaking up

[lance gt]

I think dating is a lot like going on a trip. On a trip you pack your baggage and take it with you and have a good time. In a relationship you take your empty baggage and fill it with the moments you share together and have a good time.

Baggage from other trips should be stowed away, so it doesn't fall down and smack you in the head later.

 

[Handley_Page]

I think dating is a lot like going on a trip. On a trip you pack your baggage and take it with you and have a good time. In a relationship you take your empty baggage and fill it with the moments you share together and have a good time.

Baggage from other trips should be stowed away, so it doesn't fall down and smack you in the head later.

What a good analogy.

 

[TE999]

Variety is the spice of life, opposites attract etc etc, I agree there.

But having a basic standard for yourself (which should, in fact, be something you don't compromise on) where your partner takes as active an interest in you as you do in them is sort of essential to any lasting or enjoyable relationship.

Who ever said that expecting someone to take an interest made them a clone of you?

An interest in everything you do? Expecting a dude to go ga-ga over a squidgy romance novel you've written or it's 'no bumpa da uglies' is a bit much wouldn't you say? I'm sure Einstein didn't care if his wife understood his Theory of Relativity or not as long as she was fun and a good companion. When it's 'love me, love my book', it's probably gonna be the book.

 

[AllardChardon]

Thanks for the great responses, especially Doc's insightful commentary on the silent leavers.

I live with two of my grown sons, since my husband died in May of 2010. We all know what we don't like about each other, what is also not going to change due to personality traits, and keep it to ourselves, unless an outbreak occurs. We always attempt to speak in truthful terms rather than mean ones filled with incorrect assumptions.

The men I date are close to my own age, 60, which I prefer due to social similiarities, but are often set in their ways, as I am in mine. This does not always make for a comfortable fit, no matter how wonderful the sex is.

If I just wanted to get fucked, I wouldn't care what they thought of me or my work. But I prefer an intelligent emotional connection, and that gets harder to find, as the years go by. Health issues for most single men my age is the most common reason to avoid dating them in the first place. Finances or lack of them, comes in second. Looks don't matter a lot, but brains and sexual health do. Call me picky, I always have been.

 

[sr71plt]

Yeah, I'll agree with TE999 here. I think in a healthy relationship each has some zones of their own. You can respect that your partner writes without having an iota of interest in the genre they write in. People need some space for their individual likes/dislikes in a relationship. (And, yes, I've been married for nearly 44 years and we're still cooking along nicely.)

 

[beatrice_dreams]

An interest in everything you do? Expecting a dude to go ga-ga over a squidgy romance novel you've written or it's 'no bumpa da uglies' is a bit much wouldn't you say? I'm sure Einstein didn't care if his wife understood his Theory of Relativity or not as long as she was fun and a good companion. When it's 'love me, love my book', it's probably gonna be the book.

You're assuming that I'm saying that the degree/level of interest must be identical for both parties. What the OP was mentioning was an apparent complete lack of interest in her hobbies, while the men she dated were more than happy for her to make the effort towards their interests.

Just sayin'.

 

[lance gt]

Three C's to always keep in mind when dating or being in a relationship.
COMMUNICATION, CO-OPERATION and COMPROMISE. Those 3 have steadied many a relationship through some rough spots.
In all honesty, it starts at the beginning with another 3 things. RESPECT, TRUST and LOVE. Can't have a relationship without them.

*climbs down off his soapbox and wipes off the tomatoes.*

 

[sr71plt]

You're assuming that I'm saying that the degree/level of interest must be identical for both parties. What the OP was mentioning was an apparent complete lack of interest in her hobbies, while the men she dated were more than happy for her to make the effort towards their interests.

Just sayin'.

Not really. Allard made the following blanket statement: "I am not going to date anyone who will not read my first novel."

That's not the same thing as "complete lack of interest in her hobbies." It's going a good bit farther than that.

 

[TE999]

Not really. Allard made the following blanket statement: "I am not going to date anyone who will not read my first novel."

That's not the same thing as "complete lack of interest in her hobbies." It's going a good bit farther than that.

Ya beat me to it, sr. I read the OP the same way. Anyone, man or woman, who's so self absorbed they can only be interested in what interests them is now worth bothering with.

 

[beatrice_dreams]

Not really. Allard made the following blanket statement: "I am not going to date anyone who will not read my first novel."

That's not the same thing as "complete lack of interest in her hobbies." It's going a good bit farther than that.

Ya beat me to it, sr. I read the OP the same way. Anyone, man or woman, who's so self absorbed they can only be interested in what interests them is now worth bothering with.

Funny, but I also read her next sentence:

I spend oodles of time listening to my lovers tell me all about their work, but when it comes to reading my work, they just never have the time.

 

[sr71plt]

Funny, but I also read her next sentence:

So? It's not a healthy relationship, I don't think, to demand that your partner do something just because you bite the bullet and do it yourself. I don't think you get points for being either a martyr or a nag in a relationship. Sounds like the proverbial, "I'll go ahead and take him because I plan to remold him to my wants" relationship, which rarely lasts--as this one apparently didn't. She shouldn't feel expected to salivate over his work either.

Besides, listening to what he's doing in his work and him being expected to read her work aren't the same thing. I agree he should be open to hearing about her work. That isn't the same thing as reading it/becoming himself involved in it.

AND, once he's read it, what's he expected to do? Give her fake strokes about it? Give her honest negative feedback? Yeah, right, that always works a charm with a writer you're having a close relationship with. That's a 75 percent guaranteed knock-down-drag-out fight producer.

 

[AllardChardon]

Lance, I truly appreciate the three Cs and take them very seriously in any relationship I am involved in. Respect, trust and love are equally important.

I suppose I was missing the respect part in the last relationship. Trust went second with the blasting of my very existence and love can't survive under those circumstances.

First, if I fell in love with a writer, I would read his work to get to know him better, even if he didn't ask me to. I like to go the extra mile and would enjoy a partner, who does the same.

Second, I do not require a relationship to be happy. If the partner takes more than he gives, I would rather skip the entire thing, honestly.

Third, partners who have been together for years need separate space, of course. An ideal relationship in my mind features at least separate bedrooms, if not separate homes.

Fourth, I have had four children, brought them to adulthood, buried a husband, and have no intention of marrying, again. Mating with an intelligent, older, healthy gentleman, who likes to read would be nice, but not essential. Men are no longer essential, especially after menstruation ceases, IMO.

Fifth, unlike many writers, I really do want and respect feedback. I am attempting to perfect my art and in order to do that I need feedback. Most men are "too chicken" to tell me what they think and that is as frustrating as not reading it at all. Criticism is not a deal breaker with me.

The thread was started to discover why some people say untrue and hurtful things on their way out of the door? Is it to justify their dumping you, they need a good reason to throw you out with the bathwater? Or is it really that they can see you are unhappy with the way things are going and chose to be the one who breaks up first, as if that matters at this age? This is the reason I started the thread. The statement about not dating a man unless he reads my novel was out of sheet frustration, of course. I did say I was ranting.

But, my devious little mind is working on a solution. How about I ask the next one to lay down on a bed, naked, and listen to me read my sexiest chapter to him and see if it has the desired effect? Of course, this would have to be a prelude to sexual intercourse, like in the movie, "Bull Durham" and Walt Whitman.

 

[lance gt]

Lance, I truly appreciate the three Cs and take them very seriously in any relationship I am involved in. Respect, trust and love are equally important.

I suppose I was missing the respect part in the last relationship. Trust went second with the blasting of my very existence and love can't survive under those circumstances.

First, if I fell in love with a writer, I would read his work to get to know him better, even if he didn't ask me to. I like to go the extra mile and would enjoy a partner, who does the same.

Second, I do not require a relationship to be happy. If the partner takes more than he gives, I would rather skip the entire thing, honestly.

Third, partners who have been together for years need separate space, of course. An ideal relationship in my mind features at least separate bedrooms, if not separate homes.

Fourth, I have had four children, brought them to adulthood, buried a husband, and have no intention of marrying, again. Mating with an intelligent, older, healthy gentleman, who likes to read would be nice, but not essential. Men are no longer essential, especially after menstruation ceases, IMO.

Fifth, unlike many writers, I really do want and respect feedback. I am attempting to perfect my art and in order to do that I need feedback. Most men are "too chicken" to tell me what they think and that is as frustrating as not reading it at all. Criticism is not a deal breaker with me.

The thread was started to discover why some people say untrue and hurtful things on their way out of the door? Is it to justify their dumping you, they need a good reason to throw you out with the bathwater? Or is it really that they can see you are unhappy with the way things are going and chose to be the one who breaks up first, as if that matters at this age? This is the reason I started the thread. The statement about not dating a man unless he reads my novel was out of sheet frustration, of course. I did say I was ranting.

But, my devious little mind is working on a solution. How about I ask the next one to lay down on a bed, naked, and listen to me read my sexiest chapter to him and see if it has the desired effect? Of course, this would have to be a prelude to sexual intercourse, like in the movie, "Bull Durham" and Walt Whitman.

Can I paint your toenails while you read to me?

 

[TE999]

You're assuming that I'm saying that the degree/level of interest must be identical for both parties. What the OP was mentioning was an apparent complete lack of interest in her hobbies, while the men she dated were more than happy for her to make the effort towards their interests.

Just sayin'.

Okay, now I interpreted the OP differently, to wit, no interest in her literary efforts, no interest in the man. I thought that making that criterion a deal breaker was a tad extreme. If writing novels is her only hobby, then I guess it is a deal breaker and also narrow minded.

Just sayin'.

 

[lance gt]

I think what all the nastiness in break ups is, are all the things left unsaid that irritate a person, that remain that way, as long as they are getting what they want out of you. Once the well is dry and there's no more chance of getting anything, the unspoken truths come out about what they really thought of you is now said. I found it wasn't so much what was said that hurt, but the fact I was being used all that time and didn't know.

I've been married twice and know how it feels to face that. It left me guarded and jaded, but now I look for those elements I mentioned earlier, before I'll ever invest anything of my heart into it.

I like the idea of separate dwellings, so there's no arguements over decor or lifestyle differences, allowing for the needed space to do your own thing. Sharing in my partner's hobbies or passions, isn't really necessary, but respecting them is. If asked, I would read something, even if it wasn't a genre I particularily cared for and offer my thoughts.

It's just getting harder finding a person who isn't all into themselves and cares about their partner more. I have a simple way of looking at it, in that, the more I do to try and make you happy, the more you're going to try and make me happy in return, if we're working on the same page.

 

[SithSexxGoddess]

Maybe I should learn how to fight. Maybe, then, I would understand why they walk away. I'm still not over the "love of my life", and it's been years since it was over, and yet, he still keeps calling to chat and relive how good the sex was. I need another "love of my life" to replace him, like I was replaced.

Allard, at least you know what he didn't like. That's something I don't have a clue about what happened to me.

Not to get personal but it sounds as if this "love" is stringing you along in order to make himself feel better. And if all he wants to discuss is the sex then maybe he is telling you what he didn't like was the you that had nothing to do with the great sex. I do not say this in an effort to offend or hurt you, it seems as if this person has caused you emotional havoc and it also seems as if you give them power to do so. It might be easier to find a new love if you relinquish the one already occupying your heart and mind.

 

[SithSexxGoddess]

When breaking up with a lover, why is it that the 'truth" about what one really thinks about their partner surfaces, often in an ugly manner?

Dating over 60 is a daunting challenge I keep attempting for some unknown reason. The "deal breaker" in this case was my simple comment, "I know." The problem was that I did know, had heard the same stories before, more than once, and was not inclined to hear them, again. Life is too short for drunken repetition. So, I was told off in no uncertain terms and once again realized that mating is a very delicate thing.

Anyone else want to commiserate?

I think the "truth" comes out ugly in the end because they are attempting to leave and to hurt you. They want to hurt you in order to propel the conflict that will allow them to leave. Humans at best are very emotional creatures.

 

[sr71plt]

Frankly, I don't think "truth" comes out in forum discussions where only one party is represented.

 

[JackLuis]

AC I think it would be the polite thing to do, to read your book, if he's not that interested in literature, he's no fun anyway.

 

[AllardChardon]

Yes, Lance, you can paint my toenails while I read my novel to you, a chapter at a time. hehehe I really liked the "once the well goes dry" statement and the comment about the wrath that comes afterwards. When your lover harbors so many ill thoughts about you and expresses these dislikes while breaking up, it doesn't give a person much of a chance to change or compromise. Early communication is the key. I am a giver like you, and hope that in my giving, I will receive, but that is not always the case.

I agree, SithSexGoddess, they are trying to hurt you. The worst part of this scenario was after he derided me to smithereens, he wanted to make love to me and thought I was wrong for not feeling up to it. How can a man drunkenly criticize a person and then expect them to feel amorous? Oh yeah, he was drunk. That is a major problem. I am a pot smoker, I do not enjoy getting drunk, and am usually much more alert and aware than my drinking partner. This does not make good arguments.

But, once again, I am glad to know the truth early on and be done with it, before I invest any more of my heart. It is difficult not to be jaded out there.

 

[lance gt]

Yes, Lance, you can paint my toenails while I read my novel to you, a chapter at a time. hehehe I really liked the "once the well goes dry" statement and the comment about the wrath that comes afterwards. When your lover harbors so many ill thoughts about you and expresses these dislikes while breaking up, it doesn't give a person much of a chance to change or compromise. Early communication is the key. I am a giver like you, and hope that in my giving, I will receive, but that is not always the case.

I agree, SithSexGoddess, they are trying to hurt you. The worst part of this scenario was after he derided me to smithereens, he wanted to make love to me and thought I was wrong for not feeling up to it. How can a man drunkenly criticize a person and then expect them to feel amorous? Oh yeah, he was drunk. That is a major problem. I am a pot smoker, I do not enjoy getting drunk, and am usually much more alert and aware than my drinking partner. This does not make good arguments.

But, once again, I am glad to know the truth early on and be done with it, before I invest any more of my heart. It is difficult not to be jaded out there.

So what do you say? My bong, or yours? I'm a vapourizor fan myself, lol.

There are certain things two people should agree on, before getting intimate. Putting sex and emotion first, just leads to trouble. Once you're giving, your partner will take and hold onto any negative thoughts, as long as you're willing to keep investing your body and emotions into their pleasure.
Unconditional love isn't a myth, but it's not something easy to find. Being able to put aside your partner's faults and never look at them as nothing more than what makes that person who they are and accept them.
The moment you decide one thing or another will change your love for that person, it becomes conditional.

My dog understands it and gives it. why do people make it so hard?

 

[AllardChardon]

Lance, all smoking aids are welcomed. I still smoke joints, especially at music events. I can roll like a master, after all these years. Even use filters sometimes. LOL I prefer my glass pipe, cleaned often. A nice little bubbler would be good, though.

Unconditional love, except from animals and babies, is a rare thing to find. Even as a mother, I find my love conditional. When my sons do something that is not good for them or anyone else, I certainly set them straight with the conditions society sets for us all.

A case in point; my youngest, before he turned 21, got a fake ID and went to our local bar. The same bar I have been going to for years. When I found out about it, I was very angry. If it had been my son that got caught by the ABC guys and shut the bar down, I would have been mortified, and told him so. We all live under certain conditions, sometimes laws, and must conform to some degree or suffer the consequences.

Does unconditional love really exist among humans? I wonder.

 

[lance gt]

Lance, all smoking aids are welcomed. I still smoke joints, especially at music events. I can roll like a master, after all these years. Even use filters sometimes. LOL I prefer my glass pipe, cleaned often. A nice little bubbler would be good, though.

Unconditional love, except from animals and babies, is a rare thing to find. Even as a mother, I find my love conditional. When my sons do something that is not good for them or anyone else, I certainly set them straight with the conditions society sets for us all.

A case in point; my youngest, before he turned 21, got a fake ID and went to our local bar. The same bar I have been going to for years. When I found out about it, I was very angry. If it had been my son that got caught by the ABC guys and shut the bar down, I would have been mortified, and told him so. We all live under certain conditions, sometimes laws, and must conform to some degree or suffer the consequences.

Does unconditional love really exist among humans? I wonder.

Never AC, it's a fact of our existence. As I said earlier, RTL has to be there for it to happen. Take one, or all away and love is gone or fading fast.

An old chauvenist joke goes like this.

Lock your wife and your dog in the trunk of your car for the day and then open it. Which one is happy to see you?

A sad truth, but a reality. For a person to give that same level of devotion and love, despite the abuse mentioned, they would be thought of less than the dog. People expect some form of self respect from a partner.

IMHO, unconditional love will never be present between people, except in the rarest of instances.

ETA: you should check out smokeless pipes for concerts. Just light the end of the pipe and the smoke is contained inside and only what you exhale hits the air. Not much bigger than a fountain pen and has saved me a few times from losing my herb when I get bumped and drop it. The folks at my compassion club where I buy my meds, tip me off to all kinds of smoker aids. Love their quality selection of herbs too.

 

[AllardChardon]

Still off topic, here.

I grow my own, Lance, which I find most satisying. Yes, those smokeless pipes are great, I guess I just like smoking a doobie and passing it around at the right venue.

I went to see Jethro Tull a few years ago in Anderson, CA. Ian said he wanted to play a town called Anderson, because everyone else in the band had played a town with their last name. Anyway, I took a small cigarette case full of 10 joints and started at the pack of a first come/best spot type of outdoor concert at the fairgrounds. It took 4 joints to get to the front and party down. Every time someone said, "Hey, where do you think you are going?" I replied, "I am trying to find a good place to smoke this killer joint." Instantly, I was one of the gang, until five minutes after it was finished and I was off toward the front, again. Works every time. hehehe

Let's get together for a smoke sometime. I have some great strains I got from the Oakland cloning masters.

 

[lance gt]

Still off topic, here.

I grow my own, Lance, which I find most satisying. Yes, those smokeless pipes are great, I guess I just like smoking a doobie and passing it around at the right venue.

I went to see Jethro Tull a few years ago in Anderson, CA. Ian said he wanted to play a town called Anderson, because everyone else in the band had played a town with their last name. Anyway, I took a small cigarette case full of 10 joints and started at the pack of a first come/best spot type of outdoor concert at the fairgrounds. It took 4 joints to get to the front and party down. Every time someone said, "Hey, where do you think you are going?" I replied, "I am trying to find a good place to smoke this killer joint." Instantly, I was one of the gang, until five minutes after it was finished and I was off toward the front, again. Works every time. hehehe

Let's get together for a smoke sometime. I have some great strains I got from the Oakland cloning masters.

I started a thread in the PG called the 420 Lounge. A place to share experiences and anything related to MJ. Lots of bud pics, some mine, most from sites. Haven't been in for a while but it was great to share things with others and see what happens everywhere else.

Happy 420 AC