Breaking up

[AllardChardon]

When breaking up with a lover, why is it that the 'truth" about what one really thinks about their partner surfaces, often in an ugly manner?

Dating over 60 is a daunting challenge I keep attempting for some unknown reason. The "deal breaker" in this case was my simple comment, "I know." The problem was that I did know, had heard the same stories before, more than once, and was not inclined to hear them, again. Life is too short for drunken repetition. So, I was told off in no uncertain terms and once again realized that mating is a very delicate thing.

Anyone else want to commiserate?

 

[jomar]

Sorry to hear, but if it is any consolation I'd hit it.

ETA: What did you know that set him off?

 

[Handley_Page]

When breaking up with a lover, why is it that the 'truth" about what one really thinks about their partner surfaces, often in an ugly manner?

Dating over 60 is a daunting challenge I keep attempting for some unknown reason. The "deal breaker" in this case was my simple comment, "I know." The problem was that I did know, had heard the same stories before, more than once, and was not inclined to hear them, again. Life is too short for drunken repetition. So, I was told off in no uncertain terms and once again realized that mating is a very delicate thing.

Anyone else want to commiserate?

Sympathy, AC.

 

[YoursSINSerely]

When breaking up with a lover, why is it that the 'truth" about what one really thinks about their partner surfaces, often in an ugly manner?

Dating over 60 is a daunting challenge I keep attempting for some unknown reason. The "deal breaker" in this case was my simple comment, "I know." The problem was that I did know, had heard the same stories before, more than once, and was not inclined to hear them, again. Life is too short for drunken repetition. So, I was told off in no uncertain terms and once again realized that mating is a very delicate thing.

Anyone else want to commiserate?

Maybe I should learn how to fight. Maybe, then, I would understand why they walk away. I'm still not over the "love of my life", and it's been years since it was over, and yet, he still keeps calling to chat and relive how good the sex was. I need another "love of my life" to replace him, like I was replaced.

Allard, at least you know what he didn't like. That's something I don't have a clue about what happened to me.

 

[DehviantGirl]

I hate alcohol. I dislike drunken repetition. I still mourn the loss of "the one" that left without saying why.

Oh my god. I should get a new hobby. I've just depressed myself.

Ms. Alison,

Dating is a big harry scarey thing.

 

[kiwi_submissive]

I remember one guy got to the broken record stage and as far as I as concerned there was nothing left to talk about and had lost interest so I replied to him that I agree everying was my fault including world hunger and global warming. That finished off the discussion quite nicely.

 

[AllardChardon]

I suppose it is better to hear the objections a person has for another, when the relationship is over. But most of what this lover said in criticsm was directed at someone from his past, I guess. Things like my children wanted to love me, but I push them away, and many other erroneous statements. He has never had the opportunity to get close to my grown children, so I knew he was off the deep end in some old pattern of his that had nothing to do with me. That's life.

There is always a chance to connect with another mate in a meaningful way is the carrot in front of my cart. I like sex too much to give up on it entirely. LOL

 

[jomar]

I like your optimism, AC.

 

[AllardChardon]

Thank you, Jomar. The point I was trying to make is why do people wait until they are mad enough to break up with you to tell you thoughts they could have been harboring about you for days, weeks, months, years, decades, etc. Why not say what makes you uncomfportable earlier in the game and see if a solution can be reached. If all the stops come out at the end, it makes one wonder why they hung out with you at all.

 

[mynameisben]

I remember one guy got to the broken record stage and as far as I as concerned there was nothing left to talk about and had lost interest so I replied to him that I agree everying was my fault including world hunger and global warming. That finished off the discussion quite nicely.

So. YOU'RE to blame.

 

[AllardChardon]

To be clear, I am not complaining about the break up in itself. I actually want to know the worst of a person, as quickly as possible, so I can get out, while the getting is good. If only people would be honest and show their "evil twin" lurking inside, instead of saving it until they are ready to show you. Put your worst foot forward should be the rule of thumb in dating. Tell your prospective lover all the horrible things about yourself and see if they still want to make love to you.

 

[beatrice_dreams]

To be clear, I am not complaining about the break up in itself. I actually want to know the worst of a person, as quickly as possible, so I can get out, while the getting is good. If only people would be honest and show their "evil twin" lurking inside, instead of saving it until they are ready to show you. Put your worst foot forward should be the rule of thumb in dating. Tell your prospective lover all the horrible things about yourself and see if they still want to make love to you.

Sounds like an idea? If MrNext isn't willing to put it all out there and risk it, is he worth considering as MrRight?

Write your own dating rules, I say You're worth it.

 

[AllardChardon]

While I am on this rant, I might as well purge it all. I am not going to date anyone who will not read my first novel. I spend oodles of time listening to my lovers tell me all about their work, but when it comes to reading my work, they just never have the time. So I guess, older non-reading males are shit out of luck, here! LOL

 

[TE999]

While I am on this rant, I might as well purge it all. I am not going to date anyone who will not read my first novel. I spend oodles of time listening to my lovers tell me all about their work, but when it comes to reading my work, they just never have the time. So I guess, older non-reading males are shit out of luck, here! LOL

You may have set your acceptance bar a tad too high.

Just because someone won't peruse your magnum opus you consider them not in your league? Well good luck with that. Most men over sixty probably aren't interested in your novels genre and reading it would be tantamount to having to read 'Silas Marner' in high school English class and writing a book report on it. IMO love, sex and companionship would trump any literary preferemces, but that's just me.

 

[mynameisben]

You may have set your acceptance bar a tad too high.

Just because someone won't peruse your magnum opus you consider them not in your league? Well good luck with that. Most men over sixty probably aren't interested in your novels genre and reading it would be tantamount to having to read 'Silas Marner' in high school English class and writing a book report on it.

Hey, if I wanted to date George Eliot I'd just read the Silas Marner CliffsNotes.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

To be clear, I am not complaining about the break up in itself. I actually want to know the worst of a person, as quickly as possible, so I can get out, while the getting is good. If only people would be honest and show their "evil twin" lurking inside, instead of saving it until they are ready to show you. Put your worst foot forward should be the rule of thumb in dating. Tell your prospective lover all the horrible things about yourself and see if they still want to make love to you.

A neighbor picked up a girl who shit on his bed while he was brushing his teeth and slapping on some Old Seaman cologne.

 

[TE999]

A neighbor picked up a girl who shit on his bed while he was brushing his teeth and slapping on some Old Seaman cologne.

Heheheh ... you said 'Seaman' ... Heheheh.

 

[AllardChardon]

How far would I get telling my prospective lover I am not interested in his work? You seem to miss my point. I put in the time and effort to get to know the man and his business and his preferences. Very few men return the favor. Especially in my age group. But who wants a man who doesn't read anyway? And if he does read and he really likes me, why wouldn't he want to know the inner workings of my slutty mind?

The bar stands.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

Heheheh ... you said 'Seaman' ... Heheheh.

Its what LOVE BOAT and PILOT wear.

 

[beatrice_dreams]

You may have set your acceptance bar a tad too high.

Just because someone won't peruse your magnum opus you consider them not in your league? Well good luck with that. Most men over sixty probably aren't interested in your novels genre and reading it would be tantamount to having to read 'Silas Marner' in high school English class and writing a book report on it. IMO love, sex and companionship would trump any literary preferemces, but that's just me.

Confused here.

So it's just okay if someone doesn't care enough to at least take an interest in something you've worked on or are interested in?

You can NEVER set the bar too high. If you have any self respect that is.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

To be clear, I am not complaining about the break up in itself. I actually want to know the worst of a person, as quickly as possible, so I can get out, while the getting is good. If only people would be honest and show their "evil twin" lurking inside, instead of saving it until they are ready to show you. Put your worst foot forward should be the rule of thumb in dating. Tell your prospective lover all the horrible things about yourself and see if they still want to make love to you.

All of us have lists of deficiencies and dislikes about our lovers but we usually keep them to ourselves, because we know they have their lists about us too.

Sometimes they fester till they cause a major explosion, but I agree that the hurtful exit is more of a male thing than female. Same for the silent, no phone-call fade-away. And I think the reasons for both are similar.

Men pretty much know that in any honest discussion of feelings and needs, women are going to kick their asses. Men just aren't as aware and certain about their feelings as women, and certainly nowhere near as articulate, and the ability of a woman to argue rings around a man when it comes to relationship issues leaves us frustrated, confused, and angry. And this last one is the one emotion we do understand, and the one we often call on to give us strength of purpose. I guess it's a testosterone thing.

So a guy's in a relationship and maybe he's not entirely happy but doesn't even know it, or doesn't know why he's unhappy. His partner feels it, though, and she tries to have a talk with him and he finds himself fumbling for words and saying dumb things and the next thing you know he's yelling about not getting enough head or the time you danced with a friend of his at a Christmas party two years ago.

Guys who do the silent fade already know they don't have a chance of explaining why, and they're terrified of a woman's tears. Or maybe of hearing what dickwads they are, and so they just creep away and vanish.

 

[lovecraft68]

Its what LOVE BOAT and PILOT wear.

ha-ha-ha, I thought it was what you gargled with.

 

[TE999]

How far would I get telling my prospective lover I am not interested in his work? You seem to miss my point. I put in the time and effort to get to know the man and his business and his preferences. Very few men return the favor. Especially in my age group. But who wants a man who doesn't read anyway? And if he does read and he really likes me, why wouldn't he want to know the inner workings of my slutty mind?

The bar stands.

Confused here.

So it's just okay if someone doesn't care enough to at least take an interest in something you've worked on or are interested in?

You can NEVER set the bar too high. If you have any self respect that is.

All I'm saying is setting uncompromising standards for any person you are seeking to have a relationship with is naively unrealistic. If a person has the same likes and dislikes as you and thinks as you do then they in a sense are you and that borders on the egotistical. It's also boring.Vive la difference'.

 

[beatrice_dreams]

All I'm saying is setting uncompromising standards for any person you are seeking to have a relationship with is naively unrealistic. If a person has the same likes and dislikes as you and thinks as you do then they in a sense are you and that borders on the egotistical. It's also boring.Vive la difference'.

Variety is the spice of life, opposites attract etc etc, I agree there.

But having a basic standard for yourself (which should, in fact, be something you don't compromise on) where your partner takes as active an interest in you as you do in them is sort of essential to any lasting or enjoyable relationship.

Who ever said that expecting someone to take an interest made them a clone of you?

 

[PolyLvr]

All of us have lists of deficiencies and dislikes about our lovers but we usually keep them to ourselves, because we know they have their lists about us too.

Sometimes they fester till they cause a major explosion, but I agree that the hurtful exit is more of a male thing than female. Same for the silent, no phone-call fade-away. And I think the reasons for both are similar.

Men pretty much know that in any honest discussion of feelings and needs, women are going to kick their asses. Men just aren't as aware and certain about their feelings as women, and certainly nowhere near as articulate, and the ability of a woman to argue rings around a man when it comes to relationship issues leaves us frustrated, confused, and angry. And this last one is the one emotion we do understand, and the one we often call on to give us strength of purpose. I guess it's a testosterone thing.

So a guy's in a relationship and maybe he's not entirely happy but doesn't even know it, or doesn't know why he's unhappy. His partner feels it, though, and she tries to have a talk with him and he finds himself fumbling for words and saying dumb things and the next thing you know he's yelling about not getting enough head or the time you danced with a friend of his at a Christmas party two years ago.

Guys who do the silent fade already know they don't have a chance of explaining why, and they're terrified of a woman's tears. Or maybe of hearing what dickwads they are, and so they just creep away and vanish.

Wow. I like that response. Very perceptive.

FWIW, AC I think guys wouldn't want to lay it all out at the start because they're afraid of the rejection. Like anyone, they want to sell themselves first, then let their deficiencies emerg slowly.
Besides, woman can afford to be more selective.