Feedback on my first story please? =)

[sdnt]

It's under the name of smfc.
It's called Grievance and under the genre of Erotic Couplings.
http://www.literotica.com/s/grievance

I hope you guys like it. PM or comment on the page,
If the reply is on here, I won't be fast in getting to read it =\

Anyways, please and thank you!

 

[Innuendos]

Enjoyable story, though it feels slightly run on by commas in places.

The only real problem with it is the mechanics of a scene where he has her over a table from behind, kissing her shoulders, etc, yet she is apparently kissing his body at the same time. Exorcist head spin + rotation? Yikes.

 

[sdnt]

Enjoyable story, though it feels slightly run on by commas in places.

The only real problem with it is the mechanics of a scene where he has her over a table from behind, kissing her shoulders, etc, yet she is apparently kissing his body at the same time. Exorcist head spin + rotation? Yikes.

She's kissing the part of his arm that she can get.

 

[sethp]

It was good. Feedback would be: too short. I didn't like the last sentence in the first paragraph...it was about her and then about them. When he said "fuckk...". At first I hated that you used the extra k...but then ...the more I thought about it, the more it started working on me. That word took on a life of it's own and it defined his voice and personality for me.

Keep writing.

 

[sdnt]

It was good. Feedback would be: too short. I didn't like the last sentence in the first paragraph...it was about her and then about them. When he said "fuckk...". At first I hated that you used the extra k...but then ...the more I thought about it, the more it started working on me. That word took on a life of it's own and it defined his voice and personality for me.

Keep writing.

What sentence exactly? And I added the extra k because I wanted it to come across that he was drawing out the word in a groan, or something, of pleasure.

^_^ Thank you.

 

[sethp]

They slammed into walls, her nails scraping against the paint.

It's a good story and I'm not picking it apart. Just sayin that sentence didn't seem to work, but maybe it's just me.

 

[Island_Barbarian]

Hey, congrats on posting your story!

To add to what others said...I like a bit of intro first...to get to know the characters...what they look like...are they shy or extrovert...even just a few sentences. I know lots of stories jump into the action though...so maybe many like that...

Edit: Oh, meant to say excellent structure and writing.

 

[sdnt]

They slammed into walls, her nails scraping against the paint.

It's a good story and I'm not picking it apart. Just sayin that sentence didn't seem to work, but maybe it's just me.

Oh.. Okay, okay. I guess I really did just go right into it. -Nod-

Hey, congrats on posting your story!

To add to what others said...I like a bit of intro first...to get to know the characters...what they look like...are they shy or extrovert...even just a few sentences. I know lots of stories jump into the action though...so maybe many like that...

Edit: Oh, meant to say excellent structure and writing.

Thank you! I totally agree with the introduction part, but I didn't make this story out to be a serious piece, ya know?

 

[Tyro999]

What sentence exactly? And I added the extra k because I wanted it to come across that he was drawing out the word in a groan, or something, of pleasure.

^_^ Thank you.

Were it me [and IANALW {I am not a Lit writer}] I would gone on the theory that anything worth doing is worth overdoing, and rendered it Fuuccckkkk, or something like that. I guess that's why you real Lit writers get the big money.

 

[sr71plt]

I would gone on the theory that anything worth doing is worth overdoing, and rendered it Fuuccckkkk, or something like that.

I think there's a place for that too.

 

[Innuendos]

What sentence exactly? And I added the extra k because I wanted it to come across that he was drawing out the word in a groan, or something, of pleasure.

Altered spelling makes perfect sense in context and I find it helps to make it a point to match my spelling to the indicated action. Moaning and groaning would likely result in extended vowel sounds (uu), while hissing and short-breathing noises would generally result in extended consonants like (ff) or (kk). In my case, I've only used it with drunkenness, but the option is there.

It's a minor nitpick, though, and doesn't seem likely to lose you any points with anyone other than the pickiest of readers.

 

[sdnt]

Altered spelling makes perfect sense in context and I find it helps to make it a point to match my spelling to the indicated action. Moaning and groaning would likely result in extended vowel sounds (uu), while hissing and short-breathing noises would generally result in extended consonants like (ff) or (kk). In my case, I've only used it with drunkenness, but the option is there.

It's a minor nitpick, though, and doesn't seem likely to lose you any points with anyone other than the pickiest of readers.

Thank you for your time!

 

[sdnt]

Badoop.

 

[sdnt]

One more bump before I go to sleep =)

 

[inflagranteloti]

One thing I noticed is that there aren't commas after speech tags. Most speech tags, such as "he said" or "she moaned," that come after quoted text require a comma to set them off from the remainder of the sentence. There are a few instances where that doesn't hold true, but for the most part, a comma should be used.

There are a lot of comma splices throughout the text as well. A comma splice is when you join two independent clauses with just a comma. Here's an example:

"He watched her, he spread her arms above her head, he pushed her leg aside, and she let him."

The middle two clauses are comma splices. Two independent clauses can be joined with a comma and a coordinating conjunction, but not with just a comma alone. I'd suggest rephrasing.

With regards to spelling out "fuckkk" to indicate drawn out speech, you could just specify this with a speech tag. I automatically assume when someone says "she moaned" that the speech is drawn out.

There's a lot of good imagery in the piece, and I liked the urgency of their actions. For a first story, this was very well done. Keep it up!

 

[sr71plt]

I've seen story after story recently with misused dialogue punctuation. They don't teach this in school anymore? People don't notice what they are reading when they read books?

 

[IsabellaKing]

They slammed into walls, her nails scraping against the paint.

It's a good story and I'm not picking it apart. Just sayin that sentence didn't seem to work, but maybe it's just me.

I liked that sentence.

 

[sdnt]

One thing I noticed is that there aren't commas after speech tags. Most speech tags, such as "he said" or "she moaned," that come after quoted text require a comma to set them off from the remainder of the sentence. There are a few instances where that doesn't hold true, but for the most part, a comma should be used.

There are a lot of comma splices throughout the text as well. A comma splice is when you join two independent clauses with just a comma. Here's an example:

"He watched her, he spread her arms above her head, he pushed her leg aside, and she let him."

The middle two clauses are comma splices. Two independent clauses can be joined with a comma and a coordinating conjunction, but not with just a comma alone. I'd suggest rephrasing.

With regards to spelling out "fuckkk" to indicate drawn out speech, you could just specify this with a speech tag. I automatically assume when someone says "she moaned" that the speech is drawn out.

There's a lot of good imagery in the piece, and I liked the urgency of their actions. For a first story, this was very well done. Keep it up!

Thanks!

I've seen story after story recently with misused dialogue punctuation. They don't teach this in school anymore? People don't notice what they are reading when they read books?

Sorry.

I liked that sentence.

Thanks~

 

[sdnt]

Bump =)

 

[sdnt]

Badoop?

 

[sdnt]

-yawn-

 

[sdnt]

 

[sdnt]

Badoop.

 

[sdnt]

Bump!

 

[sdnt]

Boop!