Bisexuals in relationships

LucyH

Literotica Guru
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So back in November, while discussing bisexual men in Lit stories, Queen Vicki, Candicame, and I had this discussion (edited to remove bits not relevant to this post):

Queen Vicki:

Because by my definition if two people of the same sex dates each other exclusively, and only wants the opposite gender for some sex, and send them else where once they are done, then they are in a gay relationship. The same thing can be said for women too.

and if a bi guy dates a woman, then I guess he is just dating a woman, or he have nothing else better to do.

Candicame:

I had a drunken argument with my boyfriend about this. He's so fucking gay- apparently, despite having dated women exclusively before me- and I can't help but think that that's a load of bullshit. You don't just "go gay" for someone. He says that once he's in a relationship, he stops being attracted to or even noticing other attractive people. I don't. I'm totally still attracted to women, would still sleep with/date women, except for the whole 'relationship' thing I've got going on. I honestly don't think that dating a man, even exclusively, makes me gay.

Me:

Sure, it'd be a gay relationship, but it doesn't suddenly change the sexual orientation of the people involved. Been there, done that, and I'm quite sure that I didn't turn into a lesbian for a year. In fact, there was this guy my girlfriend and I started off just playing with and then sending him away, but then we got attached and next thing you know, we were all living together and thinking it was too bad that a 3-way marriage was probably never gonna be legal in our lifetimes.

and

Well, I even had a bit of that going on with my girlfriend for a couple of months at first. I didn't much notice or think about men. I wondered if I was turning into a lesbian or what. But then I realized I just had an enormous crush on her and I was obsessing about her a ridiculously large fraction of the time. If I took the time to think about it, men were still appealing. I didn't have time to obsess about her AND think about men AND pass all my courses, though. Then the hormonal madness wore off around midterm, and my brain went back to normal.

Anyway, I wanted to resurrect this discussion. My experience has been that when I was a teenager, I was definitely bi. After I dated this girl, I got married to the guy we'd been involved with. For a while I still considered myself bisexual and fantasized about women sometimes, but eventually, I started calling myself straight because I lost interest in women (except in dreams, oddly enough). I never understood why that happened, and I felt like a part of me had gone missing.

I got divorced at the beginning of this year. Now, for the first time in over 10 years, I'm single and not obsessing about a man. Suddenly I'm finding myself noticing women here and there, and spontaneously having sexual thoughts about them that aren't some kind of deliberate mental experiment. I still notice men a lot more, but I feel like I'm going back towards normal.

Anybody else have similar experiences? What do you make of all this?
 
So back in November, while discussing bisexual men in Lit stories, Queen Vicki, Candicame, and I had this discussion (edited to remove bits not relevant to this post):

Queen Vicki:



Candicame:



Me:



and



Anyway, I wanted to resurrect this discussion. My experience has been that when I was a teenager, I was definitely bi. After I dated this girl, I got married to the guy we'd been involved with. For a while I still considered myself bisexual and fantasized about women sometimes, but eventually, I started calling myself straight because I lost interest in women (except in dreams, oddly enough). I never understood why that happened, and I felt like a part of me had gone missing.

I got divorced at the beginning of this year. Now, for the first time in over 10 years, I'm single and not obsessing about a man. Suddenly I'm finding myself noticing women here and there, and spontaneously having sexual thoughts about them that aren't some kind of deliberate mental experiment. I still notice men a lot more, but I feel like I'm going back towards normal.

Anybody else have similar experiences? What do you make of all this?


It's called "Maturity"! (once you get ALL grown up and no longer have sexual thoughts about men any longer we'll let you apply for your Dyke membership card).

JUST KIDDING!!!! (kinda, sorta... ;) )

Actually, it sounds like in your "exuberant youth" you knew who you were, but then tried to be "normal". Your pendelum might be over compensating now (towards women) because it had been "forced" so much to the "man only" side for so long, but I'm guessing that if you let it swing free you'll find an equilibrium of sorts.

'Course that said, a lot of women DO mature into lesbianism even after being in a male/female relationship. Time (and an utter loss of interest in men) will tell.

P.S. The "EVERYBODY is really bi" and the "You can still be a lesbian and like dick occassionally" contingents will be here shortly no doubt to start screaming that I'm completely wrong and should therefore STFU and leave the forum, so you prolly want to get your crash helmet on. :D
 
Since this is about relationships in particular...

I find it hard to answer since I am currently in no relationship at all. I left my marriage three months ago. I'm trying to get into a relationship with myself, if you know what I mean, and am nobody's prize until I do...

But I've known for years now that should this happen, I would never look for another man-- I can only be happy in a relationship with a woman from now on.
 
I'm sure there are people who, once they feel like they're in a great relationship with the right person, rarely feel a desire to be with someone else. I think that works for any sexuality. I didn't turn straight when I married a woman. I am still bisexual. But I am in a heterosexual relationship. If this relationship ends, I'll certainly be entertaining the thought of (okay, actively pursuing) being with a man.

People change all the time with new knowledge, new experiences, new thought processes and new perspectives. And people do things that don't necessarily match who they are. It's been my observation that people don't really change their sexuality. But they often change the way they look at things. I don't know whether sexuality is a permanent or inborn characteristic... but I do know that we can rationalize a great deal of what we do, and who we do.

I am bisexual. Looking back, I may have always been bisexual. But then, if I hadn't been exposed to male-male sex at an impressionable age, I might not be now. It took me a long time to realize my sexuality, but I don't think it will ever change, no matter what kind of relationship I engage in.
 
Not trying to hijack but - Stella I am sorry for you and happy at the same time. I am literally days away from signing off for the last time and my marriage of 13 years will be over finally. The OP said things that honestly made me think I could have written it. Come to think of it, I have I think. I am glad you are getting into that self relationship. You are indeed a prize now and when you do get to that content place again, someone is going to be even happier than you. Once you find that person. Good luck Lucy and Stella. Been there and lived to tell about it. :)
 
So, Im bisexual. I like men and women but i normally actually persue women while only sleeping with guys. Theres more to that but on topic; I dont see myself drifting one way or another becaise of a relatioship. May e if i was just confused. Sorry, my boyfriend dosent make me gay and my girlfriend doesnt make me straight. Just like listening to rock dosent make me white or want to be.
 
Aww, thank you, BVA!

But i do want to point out that I am, and always have been, poly by nature, meaning that I don't do so well with "that one person." I'd rather date several women, if I meet women who want to date that way.

It's a completely side issue... but it's mine :eek:
 
Actually, it sounds like in your "exuberant youth" you knew who you were, but then tried to be "normal".

That may be it. Heaven knows I did that in enough other ways, like wasting a ton of time and energy trying to convince myself that I wanted a career that I didn't much care about.

I really didn't think I was trying to be straight, though. I thought it just sort of happened, and that it was disappointing, like the year when every time I tried to work up some interest in sex, my libido said, "Go away. I'm sleeping." And it's not like I have any problems with daydreaming about stuff that I don't expect to ever happen - that's pretty much my favourite hobby.

If I was being straight to be normal, it wasn't a conscious choice. If there's anything I learned while getting a degree in psychology, though, it's that people know a lot less than they think they know about how they decide how they feel about stuff, and how to behave. I'm sure I'm no exception.

But i do want to point out that I am, and always have been, poly by nature, meaning that I don't do so well with "that one person." I'd rather date several women, if I meet women who want to date that way.

Well, I might be too. Or at the very least, I need to be with someone who isn't the least bit possessive. But yes, that is a side issue. Did you feel like you were through with being interested in men before deciding to leave your marriage, or did that decision come after?
 
That may be it. Heaven knows I did that in enough other ways, like wasting a ton of time and energy trying to convince myself that I wanted a career that I didn't much care about.

I really didn't think I was trying to be straight, though. I thought it just sort of happened, and that it was disappointing, like the year when every time I tried to work up some interest in sex, my libido said, "Go away. I'm sleeping." And it's not like I have any problems with daydreaming about stuff that I don't expect to ever happen - that's pretty much my favourite hobby.
I hate the way my own libido wanes-- waxing periods of course, I love that!
If I was being straight to be normal, it wasn't a conscious choice. If there's anything I learned while getting a degree in psychology, though, it's that people know a lot less than they think they know about how they decide how they feel about stuff, and how to behave. I'm sure I'm no exception.
which is kinda comforting to the rest of us, if you ask me. ;)
Well, I might be too. Or at the very least, I need to be with someone who isn't the least bit possessive. But yes, that is a side issue. Did you feel like you were through with being interested in men before deciding to leave your marriage, or did that decision come after?
I thought for a long time that I could remain interested in the one guy, regardless of my preferences. But I think-- he saw through that. Feeling that i wasn't interested in other men made him wonder if I could actually be interested in him- he's no dummy. And the minute he thought that, his interest began to wane, and the passive-aggressive turning over to go to sleep thing got going, and although he claimed that I could make the advances -- somehow they were never at the right time for him.

Then other stuff started happening at the wrong time too, in day-to-day dealings. It got to where I couldn't even finish asking a question before he'd say "No."

So, I walked. I probably should have done it much earlier.

Now I have my eyes peeled for a REALLY great woman to introduce to him, because he is a good man despite it all. Just not for me.
 
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If you look at sex as an intimate extension of communication then the actual sex of the person is not relevant as long as you both agree to communicate on a sexually intimate level.
Maybe I am strange but I have never looked at a person I didn't know anything about and wanted to date them based on their sex. I also tend to look at people I am not interested in as eunuchs, yes I am probably strange. :D
 
If you look at sex as an intimate extension of communication then the actual sex of the person is not relevant as long as you both agree to communicate on a sexually intimate level.
Maybe I am strange but I have never looked at a person I didn't know anything about and wanted to date them based on their sex. I also tend to look at people I am not interested in as eunuchs, yes I am probably strange. :D
how much do you need to know before you consider you know enough?

I have um... personal reasons for asking...

:cattail:
 
how much do you need to know before you consider you know enough?

I have um... personal reasons for asking...

:cattail:


Not sure their is a definite quantity, and sometimes smelling them helps.

what do you mean know enough?
 
Not sure their is a definite quantity, and sometimes smelling them helps.

what do you mean know enough?
All flirting aside, *cough* it's so interesting that you say smell, because that's really important to me too. Flowery, powdery perfumes make me turn away as if avoiding a slap. I need to smell a woman's real scent-- her pheromones. I've followed women down a sidewalk, I kid you not. Not to harrass her in any way, never touching or speaking to her or making myself conspicuous-- just... breathing. :eek:

Same with men, for that matter.
 
All flirting aside, *cough* it's so interesting that you say smell, because that's really important to me too. Flowery, powdery perfumes make me turn away as if avoiding a slap. I need to smell a woman's real scent-- her pheromones. I've followed women down a sidewalk, I kid you not. Not to harrass her in any way, never touching or speaking to her or making myself conspicuous-- just... breathing. :eek:

Same with men, for that matter.

I understand the sidewalk following. I almost followed a pro figure skater onto the ice once. They were very nice and made me laugh, and then they smelled divine.
I have a very sensitive nose, and most perfumes I prefer are from before 1960, although now with the whacko reformulations....
 
If you look at sex as an intimate extension of communication then the actual sex of the person is not relevant as long as you both agree to communicate on a sexually intimate level.
Maybe I am strange but I have never looked at a person I didn't know anything about and wanted to date them based on their sex. I also tend to look at people I am not interested in as eunuchs, yes I am probably strange. :D


I was beginning to think that I was the only one, who had to know a person in order to become attracted to them :cattail:
 
The only way out is in

Since this is about relationships in particular...

I find it hard to answer since I am currently in no relationship at all. I left my marriage three months ago. I'm trying to get into a relationship with myself, if you know what I mean, and am nobody's prize until I do...

But I've known for years now that should this happen, I would never look for another man-- I can only be happy in a relationship with a woman from now on.

Stella - I haven't been on for a while and here I find you free at last. I am sorry for your pain and delighted that you are free. "If I am not for myself....." Of all the people on Lit you alone have been open and forthright with me in my quest to understand. I am grateful.

For those of us who are poly I think that making an unequivocal decision, though comforting, is also giving up a part of our freedom that defines us.

All my love to you. Seekers seek. The only way out is in.:heart:
 
The other night I was out at a restaurant and bored with the conversation at my table. The girl who was showing people to their tables and bringing them drinks was wearing the tiniest skirt that she could wear without flashing her underwear, and pretty black shoes with a bit of a heel. I guess she knew how good her legs looked. She kept going to a cupboard/sink setup near our table to get drinks, bending down to get stuff from the cupboard, then closing it with her foot because her hands were full. Watching her made me all kinds of happy. It sure is nice when my brain works the way I feel like it's supposed to.
 
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