D/s Online relationship success

[Lisie]

Ok, so I admit I have not been "living" the lifestyle in r/l, but I have been trying to explore the best way I know how to online.
As an "online" sub I have found it very difficult to find someone who shares my interests and who is willing or able to work on an online relationship.
I have found that the online world is no different than r/l where we see "players" who take advantage of those less informed and less experienced. Since beginning this journey I have learned how to be more cautious, less gullible and ask more questions. Still I do fall victim to the wrong sort, but less frequently.
There is a wealth of experience here on these boards and I hope to tap into that to help me as I learn and grow.

My questions are...

Is there anyone out there who has a long term (a year or better) online D/s relationship and if so how do you make it work for you?
What were your greatest challenges and how did you address them?
How often do you communicate and what forms of communication work for you?
What suggestions do you have for a late bloomer who is trying to find her way in the labyrinth of this lifestyle?

In real life I don't know of anyone who could help me answer these questions so if you would answer one or more I would be so grateful.

lisie

 

[the captians wench]

Ok, so I admit I have not been "living" the lifestyle in r/l, but I have been trying to explore the best way I know how to online.
As an "online" sub I have found it very difficult to find someone who shares my interests and who is willing or able to work on an online relationship.
I have found that the online world is no different than r/l where we see "players" who take advantage of those less informed and less experienced. Since beginning this journey I have learned how to be more cautious, less gullible and ask more questions. Still I do fall victim to the wrong sort, but less frequently.
There is a wealth of experience here on these boards and I hope to tap into that to help me as I learn and grow.

My questions are...

Is there anyone out there who has a long term (a year or better) online D/s relationship and if so how do you make it work for you?
What were your greatest challenges and how did you address them?
How often do you communicate and what forms of communication work for you?
What suggestions do you have for a late bloomer who is trying to find her way in the labyrinth of this lifestyle?

In real life I don't know of anyone who could help me answer these questions so if you would answer one or more I would be so grateful.

lisie

Hi.

There are many of us here who have had/ have long term long distance relationships (we do distinguish this from online only relationships). Here is a good place for most of your questions.

My question to you would be what type of relationship are you looking for? Or to ask another way, what are you looking to get out of an online relationship?

To answer your questions:

Is there anyone out there who has a long term (a year or better) online D/s relationship and if so how do you make it work for you? 6 years and counting. I'm not sure how to answer "how do you make it work" It's like any relationship, you just keep at it, remain flexible and willing to work with each other.
What were your greatest challenges and how did you address them?Probably getting over the desire to "talk" to him every day. With a 5 hour time difference, and my crazy work schedule, in addition to normal life, it's just not realistic to expect to get time every day. I think that and being able to visit in the flesh are probably the only disagreements we have ever had.
How often do you communicate and what forms of communication work for you?In good times we have some form of communication every day, in off times we have gone as long as 4 weeks with out a word, but on average, I'd say some form every other day or every 3rd day. We do everything from IM and email to text to phone calls, even regular postage.
What suggestions do you have for a late bloomer who is trying to find her way in the labyrinth of this lifestyle? Not sure I have one other than communicate. And by that I don't mean frequency, I mean substance. Jounar and I don't get to talk often, but when we do we talk about everything. Also, know what you want, what you need, what you are willing to give up, and what you can live with out. You really have to know yourself before you can expect to have a successful relationship. And lastly, treat it like any other relationship you might have. They really are the same.

 

[Lisie]

Hi.

There are many of us here who have had/ have long term long distance relationships (we do distinguish this from online only relationships). Here is a good place for most of your questions.

My question to you would be what type of relationship are you looking for? Or to ask another way, what are you looking to get out of an online relationship?

In answer to your question I hope to have a relationship built from trust, respect and a healthy dose of lust with a Dom who is firm but caring.
Thank you for your sound advice and the link. Your success gives me hope that it is a possibility for me one day.

lisie

 

[ecstaticsub]

Hi Lisie. I second Wenchie's recommendation for you to check out the Distance Domination thread that she linked. I'm in a long-distance relationship not strictly an on-line one. We've been together almost 7 years and counting.

What do you want from this on-line relationship? Will it be more role-play then something that will go on after the computer gets turned off? There is nothing wrong with it being role-play. It can be fun, exciting and you can build strong relationships that way. But both of you will need to be on the same page with what it really is.

Also be well aware of the possibility of falling in love or developing very real, emotional connections that will continue to effect you when you are off-line. If anyone had told me 7 years that I would be where I am now with someone I was just flirting with and sharing hot phone sex with back then I would have told them they were out of their mind.

But sometimes strong relationships form whether we are looking for that sort of relationship or not.

I wish you luck and I'll see you over at the Distance Domination thread.

 

[Lisie]

No I am not looking for role playing, although it can be fun from time to time. I hope to have a deeper connection that filters and merges with other aspects of my life. Something long term and meaningful. Thank you for the suggestion on that thread it has been very interesting to read.

 

[kimuk]

Ok, so I admit I have not been "living" the lifestyle in r/l, but I have been trying to explore the best way I know how to online.
As an "online" sub I have found it very difficult to find someone who shares my interests and who is willing or able to work on an online relationship.
I have found that the online world is no different than r/l where we see "players" who take advantage of those less informed and less experienced. Since beginning this journey I have learned how to be more cautious, less gullible and ask more questions. Still I do fall victim to the wrong sort, but less frequently.
There is a wealth of experience here on these boards and I hope to tap into that to help me as I learn and grow.

My questions are...

Is there anyone out there who has a long term (a year or better) online D/s relationship and if so how do you make it work for you?
What were your greatest challenges and how did you address them?
How often do you communicate and what forms of communication work for you?
What suggestions do you have for a late bloomer who is trying to find her way in the labyrinth of this lifestyle?

In real life I don't know of anyone who could help me answer these questions so if you would answer one or more I would be so grateful.

lisie

Hi hunnie

My Dom and I have had an on line realationship for a almost year ( anni on the 14th of Feb)
I know I;m very lucky to have found someone who i like as a person, respect as a man and who makes me smile every day. As well as all the other stuff lol
We emailed a lot to start off and still do now. But we IM about 5 times a week, One nite is scheduled as a play nite. We text everyday. And we try to make time for a phone call at least every week or two.
We invest a lot of time in it and its works for us. I know that others arnt so fortunate so I thank my lucky stars that our paths crossed.
We talked for a long time and became friends before we crossed over to a D/s relationship. So dont jump in blindly with 2 feet.
our biggest challenge is that text and Im and mails are not exactly like haveing a conversation and sometimes we misinterperate what the other means. Or in my case I try to guess what he means and then make assumptions which are usually wrong. lol
But we always manage to sort it out in the end.
Good luck
Kim

 

[Lisie]

Hi hunnie

My Dom and I have had an on line realationship for a almost year ( anni on the 14th of Feb)
I know I;m very lucky to have found someone who i like as a person, respect as a man and who makes me smile every day. As well as all the other stuff lol
We emailed a lot to start off and still do now. But we IM about 5 times a week, One nite is scheduled as a play nite. We text everyday. And we try to make time for a phone call at least every week or two.
We invest a lot of time in it and its works for us. I know that others arnt so fortunate so I thank my lucky stars that our paths crossed.
We talked for a long time and became friends before we crossed over to a D/s relationship. So dont jump in blindly with 2 feet.
our biggest challenge is that text and Im and mails are not exactly like haveing a conversation and sometimes we misinterperate what the other means. Or in my case I try to guess what he means and then make assumptions which are usually wrong. lol
But we always manage to sort it out in the end.
Good luck
Kim

Kim,
Congratulations and Happy Anniversary It is so wonderful seeing happy subbies with successful relationships. I like that you were both friends first it establishes a strong foundation for the D/s relationship moving forward.

Again Happy Anniversary and many more to follow.

lisie

 

[subwannabe]

I'm not totally understanding this online relationship thing. I could see doing it for short term fun. I could also see maybe having a dark side of you wanting to express itself while keeping it totally hidden from your real life. But, it seems many are looking for a long term online relationship while what they would really like is for it to be a real life long term situation but for some reason just can't figure out how to go about it finding it so they look online. For those wanting a long term real life "relationship" I say forget the online thing totally unless you are looking at dating sites with the expectation that you will eventually meet and things will click in real life. You're never going to find a real life long term relationship if you are willing to accept an online relationship.

 

[kimuk]

I'm not totally understanding this online relationship thing. I could see doing it for short term fun. I could also see maybe having a dark side of you wanting to express itself while keeping it totally hidden from your real life. But, it seems many are looking for a long term online relationship while what they would really like is for it to be a real life long term situation but for some reason just can't figure out how to go about it finding it so they look online. For those wanting a long term real life "relationship" I say forget the online thing totally unless you are looking at dating sites with the expectation that you will eventually meet and things will click in real life. You're never going to find a real life long term relationship if you are willing to accept an online relationship.

Each to their own way . Dont be too judgmental , for lots this is the only way

 

[FurryFury]

Is there anyone out there who has a long term (a year or better) online D/s relationship?

Yes. There are quite a few people here. I've done several online. Though the D/s relationships may or may not have lasted more than a year, at times the friendships have. A mutually respectful friendship is a great start to any relationship.

And if so how do you make it work for you?

It's pretty rare because you need two honest, emotionally mature, and dedicated people. That's not easy to find.

Most are looking for short term entertainment, when it's convenient to them and doesn't interfere with their work, or whatever other relationships they have.

Most have the attention span of a gnat.

Most have the emotional maturity of an infant.

Yep. You have to kiss a lot of virtual frogs. You get your heart broken. You feel like shit when they want to "kill themselves" because they can't "REALLY" have you. They want to send you presents, things they've bought, written or scored for you.

You get despondent because they are hurt so bad when you were honest from the start and worked hard not to hurt them.

They tear apart entire games that you used to enjoy simply out of jealous which is unfounded.

They tell you how great you are and then that you need therapy . . . Wait! That's me. Your online stuff might be a cakewalk in comparison. I certainly hope it is.

You are looking for rare gems.

What were your greatest challenges and how did you address them?

Besides finding people who could be adult and maintain some loyalty? Self hate at being so limited. When I care about someone I want to give them everything even if that's not possible. I feel like shit that I can't.

How often do you communicate and what forms of communication work for you?

Back when I did this, a few times a week. I prefer PMs at first. E-mail later, maybe. I won't cam or do phone.

What suggestions do you have for a late bloomer who is trying to find her way in the labyrinth of this lifestyle?

Research.

Go to your local munch. From there go to a demo. Get to know people who can touch you skin to skin rather than text to text though that too can be quite powerful.

If having a relationship is keeping you from doing the above, be honest with the person you are with. Tell them about what you want, learn to honor them and live with what they can do, or leave them.

If feel you must do this online for some reason, be very discriminating. Do not think that anything you do online can't get around, pictures, text, cam, anything can be recorded, copied and shared. So be careful about who you trust.

Don't just jump in. Get to know the other person before virtually being a sub to them. Even if you really want to. Otherwise you are very likely to find yourself with some shit kicker who knows little to nothing and then goes poof with no warning or explanation. And that still might happen regardless.

Realize that giving out certain information can endanger you and possibly your career be safety wise.

If you get something started expect to be surprised by the depth and "realness" of your emotions.

 

[Lisie]

Thank you for your advice it is quite sound. I am planning on attending a local Munch at the end of this month..it will be my first so I am quite nervous. Wish me well

 

[FurryFury]

I am. It's just like meeting any other group of people. Have fun. *hugs*

Thank you for your advice it is quite sound. I am planning on attending a local Munch at the end of this month..it will be my first so I am quite nervous. Wish me well

 

[barelytrained]

Thank you for posting these questions......they have benefited me also.

 

[StrayKat]

Each to their own way . Dont be too judgmental , for lots this is the only way

The only way for what? For having a little bit of fun, for escaping from "real world" into virtual therefore a fantasy one, for exploring certain facet of sexuality without all the baggage and risks? Or for meaningful long time sincere relationship based on love? I dont believe having a second one online is the "only way" least for "lots". If you cant find a way to be skin to skin with the person you truly love and want to spend life together in due time, then it is not such deep and meaningful relationship. It may take years but people all over the world find ways to be with that one special person if they really want so.
So how is that the only way for lots?

 

[LMs_ds]

QUOTE=StrayKat;39930560]The only way for what? For having a little bit of fun, for escaping from "real world" into virtual therefore a fantasy one, for exploring certain facet of sexuality without all the baggage and risks? Or for meaningful long time sincere relationship based on love? I dont believe having a second one online is the "only way" least for "lots". If you cant find a way to be skin to skin with the person you truly love and want to spend life together in due time, then it is not such deep and meaningful relationship. It may take years but people all over the world find ways to be with that one special person if they really want so.
So how is that the only way for lots?[/QUOTE]

I seldom post but the bolded part of the above quote raised my hackles.

I've been in a committed, long distance/online/skin-to-skin when it's possible relationship for more than 15 years. My Dom and I have no desire to live together or to find a way to be together 365 days a year. We <gasp> aren't even in love! We've been judged before for "not being real" and "just playing" but those judgments have been made by people who seem to think that there's just one way and of course it's their way. Anything outside of their capacity for understanding must be fantasy.

Our relationship is full of respect and desire and trust and honesty. We're great friends and have a connection that, IMO, is rare. And we have mind-blowing sex. Does the fact that we've chosen NOT to push for more make the relationship any less real or or meaningful? I say NO. We don't leave the baggage or responsibilites at the door. As for risks? I know to some it's impossible but for "lots of us" it is quite possible to develop very strong emotional attachments to someone we don't spend 365 days a year with. Does it make the pain of a broken heart any less? Does it mean that when a relationship ends the pain is less than someone who chooses to live with their one special person? I think not.

Relationships - deep, meaningful relationships - are built in a lot of different ways. And for some of us, because of cirmcumstances or just plain old lack of desire to do so, don't find ways to be with that one special person.

Sometimes I'm amazed by how judgemental people in this community can be. Isn't there enough from the outside world without inflicting it upon ourselves?

 

[StrayKat]

Well excuse me for wanting to touch, feel and smell the man I care for.
Even wash his socks and cook him a dinner.
Guess I am weird

 

[LMs_ds]

Well excuse me for wanting to touch, feel and smell the man I care for.
Even wash his socks and cook him a dinner.
Guess I am weird

You must have missed the part of my post where I said that we do get together when we can. But washing socks hardly makes for a more meaningful relationship. When my Dom and I are physically together, I serve Him in many ways. Thing is, I do when we aren't physically together. He knows that and so do I.

 

[StrayKat]

I was talking about online relationships, not "we get together when we can" relationships. No washing socks does not make for meaningful relationship, sharing life with your SO as much as you can does. At least for me.

 

[naughty4Daddy]

Well excuse me for wanting to touch, feel and smell the man I care for.
Even wash his socks and cook him a dinner.
Guess I am weird

Uh oh, someone's a bit touchy...excuse the pun, heh.

Well I suppose the key here is to understand that everyone has different objectives. People start online relationships for a gamut of reasons. They might start off ONLY wanting non-committal occasional play, which is perfectly fine. Some people may not be ready to embrace the full aspects of a D/s relationship. Others might start off as seriously trying to find someone to commit to - but the reality is a lot of people are in situations where they CAN'T meet up physically, even if they wanted to. So they develop a relationship online first, and then find opportunities to meet up. The internet can be a good place to start for people who don't have the opportunity to explore D/s in their own communities. It depends on the objective, but just because someone wants to develop an online relationship with someone else doesn't mean they want to be with "the man they care for" any less than you do.

 

[ecstaticsub]

Well excuse me for wanting to touch, feel and smell the man I care for.
Even wash his socks and cook him a dinner.
Guess I am weird

We all know how dismissive you are about on-line relationships. Give it a rest, ok? You don't understand them, that's fine. But stop ridiculing something that you don't get.

Some of us have more then one man. One to touch, feel and smell and even wash his sock and cook him dinner. Then another to have our D/s relationship with. I have no intention whatsoever of leaving my vanilla partner for my Dominant. I only have skin-to-skin meetings with him every couple of months or so but both relationships are equally as important to me, I love each one as much as the other.

Lots, yes, lots of people have very meaningful relationships with other that they can not have skin to skin contact with mostly because they have other commitments in their lives that are important--like spouses, work, children or elderly parents.

 

[the captians wench]

Well excuse me for wanting to touch, feel and smell the man I care for.
Even wash his socks and cook him a dinner.
Guess I am weird

I do want this, so badly that reading this puts a rock in my stomach. It won't make it any more meaningful, for either of us, though.


I'm one of those ones that tells people I would never have chosen this for myself, nor would I have wished it for some one else.

I had seperated from my husband, he hadn't had a sub in a while, this was just meant to fill in the gaps between "real life," there was obviously a connection, but neither of us expected it to go so deeply. I ache for him every night, I long for him every day. One of the things I tell him most often is how much I want to cook for him, and how I'm trying to learn British/Irish cooking so he'll actually eat what I cook. *giggles*

I don't understand why any one would want to put themselves through this pain, seek out this pain even. But after dipping back into the dating world, there's just as much pain there, and being able to touch doesn't make the pain deeper or mean any more. Does add a bit of a guilt complex.

 

[StrayKat]

Lots, yes, lots of people have very meaningful relationships with other that they can not have skin to skin contact with mostly because they have other commitments in their lives that are important--like spouses, work, children or elderly parents.

You are right, I dont get it. I dont get that anything can get in the way of me being together with a man I truly care for, if not now then sometime in the future. I dont get that one can have two lives, one virtual and another one real and deem them equal. I dont get that several hours typing in a day is the same thing as feeling him breathe close to you in the night. I dont get that your work, children or parents can be such obstacles in ever meeting that person you claim to love so much. As far as spouses go, apart from some complicated and I believe rare situations, there is something I think is called poly relationship and there is something called cheating.

But, I think I have to, once again, explain what exactly I am talking about - online ONLY relationship with no desire to EVER meet in real life - living your life alone and having a several hours typing/phone/cam a day. Virtual cock sucking. Virtual cooking his soup when he has cold. Some people seem to think doing such things virtually has the same quality as doing them for real. I dont. It tastes completely different

But since apparently very few people feel the same way, I will drop the subject for good. I have no desire to offend you or anyone else with my opinions and what I see as completely unfit for myself and I wont ask anyone to explain anymore. Obviously it is a taboo subject here. If it works for you though more power to you.

I do want this, so badly that reading this puts a rock in my stomach. It won't make it any more meaningful, for either of us, though.


I'm one of those ones that tells people I would never have chosen this for myself, nor would I have wished it for some one else.

I had seperated from my husband, he hadn't had a sub in a while, this was just meant to fill in the gaps between "real life," there was obviously a connection, but neither of us expected it to go so deeply. I ache for him every night, I long for him every day. One of the things I tell him most often is how much I want to cook for him, and how I'm trying to learn British/Irish cooking so he'll actually eat what I cook. *giggles*

I don't understand why any one would want to put themselves through this pain, seek out this pain even. But after dipping back into the dating world, there's just as much pain there, and being able to touch doesn't make the pain deeper or mean any more. Does add a bit of a guilt complex.

My dear, the fact that you do want such things, though you are not in a position to realize them puts you out of what I am talking about.
I am talking about "I have no desire to ever actually meet him but I think our online typing/cam/phone sessions are just as valid, meaningful and of the same quality as your 24/7 10+ years long marriage". You see, I have a problem not being dismissive when I read such statements. If I love I want to belong with my mind, soul and body to that person as much as I can. I cant understand giving him a couple of hours a day and then going on living the rest of my life just as I want and am used to without need for any compromise. For me, that is selfish and I can never see such "relationships" as equal to mine.

And that would be the last comment from me on that subject.

 

[FurryFury]

Socks. Hmm. Can't wait to wash some today. Soooooo hawt!

 

[Loverskitten]

This same thread seems to pop up every so often. I started one shortly after I began posting here. I don't get them either but I think this is one of those agree to disagree things.
I'm starting a list of such topics, y'all are complicated folks.

 

[Loverskitten]

I'd also like to add that it's things like these that pop up in the personals alllll the time that make me (and StrayKat) go WTF?
"I don't want to meet face to face, so if you're trying to take it to that level, please don't contact me. Other than that, I want to have fun, I want to be able to be called someone's."

Maybe it's a curious cat thing but my mind starts going... why no face to face? Maybe it's Mr. Ed? Oooo I want a relationship with Mr. Ed, online or off (friendship only you dirty fucks) well I would like to own Mr. Ed and ride him.... Oh forget it.