Questions from a "newb"

[Vsye]

Ok, where to begin?

I'm 21 (probably young on here, no?).

I've been into BDSM for a long time, as a pure dom. Even a few years ago when I didn't really have a clue what BDSM was, I liked doing stuff with my girlfriend at the time, like tying her hands with scarves.

Back to the present, I've been with a new girlfriend for a month who I like a lot. Basically I'd really love to try a more BDSM-esque relationship with her, especially sexually. Now I know this isn't a relationship advice forum, but I'd really appreciate some opinions. It seems to me like it's virtually always the submissive in the relationship begging the reluctant dom to be more rough and dominant. It just seems a lot less "creepy" that way, no? Ladies, imagine you were in my gf's position, would it be really weird of me to suggest things like tying her up or roleplay with her as my slave? Is it off putting if a guy is "too" into BDSM? Also, is it better for subs if the dominant a) loves being dominant, b) is neutral, or c) dislikes being dominant?

For the record I am not at all into "hard" BDSM or anything extreme. My ideal fantasy is just to have a "normal" relationship but with very sexually submissive elements. e.g. we get into the bedroom together and she drops to her knees and dons her blindfold whilst I tie her hands behind her back. But I digress..

 

[Stella_Omega]

Hi, and welcome!

My first question is always: When you call yourself a "dom" what do you mean by that? Are you talking about doing that to her so to speak, or do you expect her to learn your desires and anticipate your wishes?

Once we get that straight, we can get some good answers for you.

But on the whole, you have to know how many women dream of meeting a guy who will just take the lead, tie them down and pay a hell of a lot of attention to them for the rest of the night. The kicker is, it has to be a guy they can trust. And the way you do that is you communicate. You give her a real good indication, by way of your behavior, that this will be fun and satisfying. You broach the subject in a calm and confident way.

You can-- should, actually-- suggest that she should set up a safety call if she's interested.

You find out if there are things she can't let you do-- because of injuries, or illness, or a rape back in her history, the reason doesn't matter. You explain, if she doesn't already know, about safewords-- don't be surprised if it turns out that she does. But you bringing it up will reassure her considerably.

Talk about what you like to do. IN another thread we were talking about checklists, and some of those might be very useful for you.

Is it off putting if a guy is "too" into BDSM?

Sure, if she wants vanilla once in a while and you want nothing but BDSM-- that means that you two are not a good match. it's not your fault, or hers, but you might have to find a different girlfriend if your desires are too important to you to set aside. Otherwise, you can compromise. And thousands of people do. Remember, your fantasies of what could be always have to be tempered by real life.

Also, is it better for subs if the dominant a) loves being dominant, b) is neutral, or c) dislikes being dominant?

Oh TRUST me on this, if someone is submissive there is NOTHING worse than a partner who won't take charge.

 

[ellezee]

Also, is it better for subs if the dominant a) loves being dominant, b) is neutral, or c) dislikes being dominant?

A reluctant PYL would make me feel insecure and lost.

 

[subwannabe]

I think you just need to be honest. Talk to her about it and if she runs out the back door, then she runs out the back door and you start back at square one again. No matter how much you like her, ultimately you are not going to be happy unless you can find someone who is in your same element. So, you are either going to be pleasantly surprised by the situation or you aren't going to happy anyway.

 

[YourCaptor]

First move awkwardness

If you want to have sex, you make a move.

 

[Etoile]

Oh TRUST me on this, if someone is submissive there is NOTHING worse than a partner who won't take charge.

Stella has fantastic stuff to say as always, but this is my favorite part! SO TRUE.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

....I'm 22 (probably young on here, no?).

Younger than the average, probably, but not the youngest we've had come in, by a long shot.

I've been into BDSM for a long time, as a pure dom.

What's a "pure dom?" You only want to dominate someone but not have any other interaction?

Even a few years ago when I didn't really have a clue what BDSM was, I liked doing stuff with my girlfriend at the time, like tying her hands with scarves.

That's not necessarily "BDSM." It could be just kinky fun.

.... would it be really weird of me to suggest things like tying her up or roleplay with her as my slave?

No. What would "be really weird" would be an adult who knows what s/he wants/needs not expressing those wants/needs. However, you can express them in different ways. If you're going for subtlety in introducing BDSM-like elements into your sex life/relationship, you could, when it seems that an occasion has arisen to have sexual interaction, casually "whip out" a silk scarf and wrap it around her wrists (not too tight, and not tied) and pull her hands over her head as you get into the action. Likewise, with the roleplaying, with a bit of humor in your voice, at a time that seems appropriate and she's amenable to "play," simply say, "Girl, your master is thirsty. Bring me an ice-cold Mountain Dew with three icecubes," and watch her reaction. This type of interplay would give you an opportunity to introduce some things into your relationship without necessarily investing a lot of depth, allowing you to assess her interest or willingness to get into new stuff.

Of course, there's always the option of just introducing her to BDSM, either via stories (e.g., some of those from here at Lit) or books or movies (e.g., "Secretary," et al, though neither the stories, books nor movies ever get it anywhere near "right"). Or <gasp>, you could have a discussion with her about your sexual fantasies, and see if perhaps hers mesh in at least some aspects with yours.

Is it off putting if a guy is "too" into BDSM?

Depends on the person. This is a question like, "Is it hot outside?" It all depends on the viewpoint of the observer or participant.

Also, is it better for subs if the dominant a) loves being dominant, b) is neutral, or c) dislikes being dominant?

Are you *really* asking this question, or was it intended to be rhetorical?

For the record I am not at all into "hard" BDSM or anything extreme. My ideal fantasy is just to have a "normal" relationship but with very sexually submissive elements. e.g. we get into the bedroom together and she drops to her knees and dons her blindfold whilst I tie her hands behind her back...

IOW, you want a bedroom BDSM relationship. <Shrug> That's up to you - and her. Getting what you want, though, will probably require you to actually open up and communicate with your intended pyl. Good luck!

Oh, yeah - Welcome to Lit and the BDSM Talk and Café fora!

 

[Etoile]

What's a "pure dom?" You only want to dominate someone but not have any other interaction?

My interpretation was that it means he doesn't switch, ever.

Oh, yeah - Welcome to Lit and the BDSM Talk and Café fora!

You said fora instead of forums. *swoons*

 

[Vsye]

Thanks for the great replies, especially Stella's. I've learnt a lot already.. I'll try and answer some questions..

My first question is always: When you call yourself a "dom" what do you mean by that? Are you talking about doing that to her so to speak, or do you expect her to learn your desires and anticipate your wishes?

Sorry, I guess I don't know the lingo too well. I simply mean that I adore being in control and submitted to, always (sexually speaking - I'm not like that in real life).

A reluctant PYL would make me feel insecure and lost.

What is a PYL?

First move awkwardness

If you want to have sex, you make a move.

No offence but your post seems irrelevant to anything I said in the OP (unless I misunderstood, which I don't think I did).

What's a "pure dom?" You only want to dominate someone but not have any other interaction?

What Etoile said.

That's not necessarily "BDSM." It could be just kinky fun.

Where's the line between the two?

No. What would "be really weird" would be an adult who knows what s/he wants/needs not expressing those wants/needs. However, you can express them in different ways. If you're going for subtlety in introducing BDSM-like elements into your sex life/relationship, you could, when it seems that an occasion has arisen to have sexual interaction, casually "whip out" a silk scarf and wrap it around her wrists (not too tight, and not tied) and pull her hands over her head as you get into the action. Likewise, with the roleplaying, with a bit of humor in your voice, at a time that seems appropriate and she's amenable to "play," simply say, "Girl, your master is thirsty. Bring me an ice-cold Mountain Dew with three icecubes," and watch her reaction. This type of interplay would give you an opportunity to introduce some things into your relationship without necessarily investing a lot of depth, allowing you to assess her interest or willingness to get into new stuff.

Of course, there's always the option of just introducing her to BDSM, either via stories (e.g., some of those from here at Lit) or books or movies (e.g., "Secretary," et al, though neither the stories, books nor movies ever get it anywhere near "right"). Or <gasp>, you could have a discussion with her about your sexual fantasies, and see if perhaps hers mesh in at least some aspects with yours.

I've already sort of opted for the subtle route already, and got good results. We always flirt over texting, and sometimes it descends into sexy talk. The last time this happened I dropped in a few BDSM elements, tying her up and that, and she responded really well and seems to have a really submissive side, which is great news

Thanks a lot for the ideas and the greeting!

 

[StrayKat]

Where's the line between the two?

I am wondering that one myself.

I have been browsing CM again lately, and all I can see is "looking for 24/7/365" <whatever>. So how do people mean that?
I send you a message and expect you to show at my door tomorrow with all your baggage and then we live happily ever after (*if* we can find a place for you to sleep, eat and if you understand that trying to share a beer with my husband is a no-no).

Or you send me a message stating that you are DomlyDom and I am supposed to pack my things, run to whatever place on earth you are located and then hand over myself, my car, my cat and my Mother to be collared right away and we live happily ever after (*if* you dont run away screaming after spending 2 days with Mother).
Are people in dire need of checking their heads or its just harmless cyber fantasies?

So I kinda offered a drink, a discussion and eventually some kinky sex for starters. If we come to the conclusion we might be able to spend a few hours together, after the said drink and discussion. Oddly not many takers so far. So what is the problem? They dont want to actually meet irl over a drink or my kinky sex is not good enough for such experienced BDSMers?

 

[His_pet_slut]

I am wondering that one myself.

I have been browsing CM again lately, and all I can see is "looking for 24/7/365" <whatever>. So how do people mean that?
I send you a message and expect you to show at my door tomorrow with all your baggage and then we live happily ever after (*if* we can find a place for you to sleep, eat and if you understand that trying to share a beer with my husband is a no-no).

Or you send me a message stating that you are DomlyDom and I am supposed to pack my things, run to whatever place on earth you are located and then hand over myself, my car, my cat and my Mother to be collared right away and we live happily ever after (*if* you dont run away screaming after spending 2 days with Mother).
Are people in dire need of checking their heads or its just harmless cyber fantasies?

So I kinda offered a drink, a discussion and eventually some kinky sex for starters. If we come to the conclusion we might be able to spend a few hours together, after the said drink and discussion. Oddly not many takers so far. So what is the problem? They dont want to actually meet irl over a drink or my kinky sex is not good enough for such experienced BDSMers?

Over the years, I have found far more that want to talk the talk than want to walk the walk...

 

[Chiara_searches]

What is a PYL?

To paraphrase others, it is Pick Your Label vs. pick your label (PYL vs. pyl). Because there is variation in how people self-identify, PYL is a reference often used on Lit so that we don't have to digress into arguments about labels. The all caps tend to represent dominant, master, top, etc. and the lower caps the other end of the spectrum.

The best advice is communicate. The starting subtly should give you confidence in knowing she is at least open to hearing your interests. A healthy relationship needs to be one where both your needs are met.

Good luck.

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

The sooner you have the talks, the better.

There was a dude here not long back, who'd kept his wants and needs suppressed for quite a while, then told his gf of many years, and she bolted.

I can't imagine how much that would suck.

Sexual compatibility is one of those things you need to work out early on, like all the other stuff that could be a deal breaker.

 

[honey34]

Hi Vsye

i have to say for me personally i can't imagine playing with a Dom/me Who wasn't taking control and i certainly wouldn't find it weird if He or She was suggesting kinky things, with the Dom i am serving/playing with atm i wouldn't dream of trying to take any control at all, i should think that could only end badly for me! As others have said on here you really need to talk to her and find out how happy she is to experiment with this type of play. i suspect you need to have a little bit more confidence in yourself too! If she has got sub tendencies she is probably desperate for you to take control and talk to her about it.

 

[LilKitten11]

This caught my eye because I am new too and even though I can't really answer any of your questions, this thread was very helpful to me too..so thanks for posting and to the people who answered. What I can say is that I am on the submissive end, so again I don't know if it helps you, but if your gf is already showing that she likes it, I would say just go for it! Good luck

 

[Hnter2011]

good answer

 

[Vsye]

Having talked to her a lot more about the subject, it doesn't seem like she is really into it as much as I thought, sad

I will stick with her for sure but I'm a little disappointed.