BDSM learning curve

[ruby_my_dear]

Getting into BDSM later in life doesn't seem to be as unusual as I first thought. It's nice to know I'm not alone.

What has proven to be a bit of a challenge after recognizing those proclivities, communicating about them with my partner and getting comfortable with living them in the bedroom is figuring out exactly what the heck we are doing without someone (namely me) getting physically hurt beyond what someone (mostly Him) can handle.

I think that education through books and threads such as these is very important to avoid a serious injury but even with that, there's a learning curve when translating the theoretical into the actual.

Here are a few things learned so far and we would really appreciate hearing from couples who have walked this path ahead of us:

1- The learning pyl can not be depended upon to let the learning PYL know when to ease up. Safewords (green/yellow/red) were chosen and PYL checked in often "What colour are you..." "Green, green green..." was my answer but judging by the blue, black and now green hue of my backside I really had no clue.

2-Porn and even erotica often portrait the dominant as unconcerned over the state of the submissive. Nothing can be further from the truth in our case. PYL was HORRIFIED when he realized the physical damage he had caused. To the point that I was getting anxious he might not want to continue exploring. ( I am so enjoying myself)

We've decided that finding a MUNCH is probably the next step in tapping into a community that can maybe help us with the learning. I must say however that after 20+ years of monogamy and never so much as seeing another *live* man naked has me cringing at the thought of attending a workshop.

Taking it slow is the best approach I can think of but we will appreciate any advice. PMs are okay.

ruby

 

[Kojote]

I'd say he'll need you outside of the bedroom.
It's pretty normal to get anxious by the thought of hurting the person you love. We get raised this way and I’d say that education worked well if this feeling is present.
And now he is expected to do exactly what he isn’t under any circumstances supposed to do to you.
At least it feels this way for him…

What he needs is reassurance. And time to progress some things.
The specifics will have to be filled by you two, but in general it’s necessary to detach the ‘causing pain when playing’ thing from times when the actual thought of just hurting somebody to hurt occurs.
He will need you constant reassurance that what he is doing is in fact something you really enjoy. That he is doing it because he loves you. Not instead of…
He has got to understand that you are wired this way. And his concerns show that he takes every responsibility he may have very serious. Which is a good thing.

Personally I’m not into munches and other public gatherings of this kind. But I had to overcome my upbringing and my own issues, too. What helped me most was reassurance.
I had to accept that pain and pleasure are wired to the same area of the brain. And that took a while.

Be honest with him and make clear that you appreciate not only what he has done but also his worries. And make also clear to him that the bruises and pain are not only welcome, but in fact something you can also feel his love through. Because you know that he’d never do it for you if he wouldn’t really love you.
Talk with him about the difference of causing pain in your special situation and hurting somebody under any other circumstances. Keep the whole thing in the bedroom with designated times for the beginning to draw clear lines between reality and your personal game.

It’s not sure that he will ever feel comfy with this. But he may well just as understand that what exactly feels pleasurable for a person isn’t defined by societies rules, but by the person and only the person alone.

And as a side note: Give him the feeling that you yourself care for your own wellbeing. Use the yellow word sometimes even if you don’t feel really bothered to show him that you in fact will use it if something isn’t perfectly fine. Even if it’s only because you aren’t in the mood for really rough stuff that day.
So you can take a little of the responsibility from his shoulders before it crushes him.

There may be more to say, but I’m sure others will say that. So I’ll leave it with this.

 

[LucyH]

I must say however that after 20+ years of monogamy and never so much as seeing another *live* man naked has me cringing at the thought of attending a workshop

There are lots of sorts of workshops where people keep all or most of their clothes on. Eg. basic rope bondage - no need to take anything off.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

... 1- The learning pyl can not be depended upon to let the learning PYL know when to ease up. Safewords (green/yellow/red) were chosen and PYL checked in often "What colour are you..." "Green, green green..." was my answer but judging by the blue, black and now green hue of my backside I really had no clue.

Not necessarily true, ruby, my dear... (sorry - couldn't resist). I've known a number of "new" folks of the pyl variety who got well bruised in their first session and were *ecstatic* about it! The way this statement would be true in your case would be if the two of you had discussed it prior to your session, determined that marking was not an option, regardless of what color *you* said, and that he was to stop immediately upon discerning any hint of marking, which he would have been able to see while you could not. Otherwise, you can only go by what you *feel,* and as long as you were happy with the sensations you were experiencing, you both were well within the safety boundaries of "normal" S/m activities. (That's not entirely well-phrased; please forgive my morning thickness.)

2-Porn and even erotica often portrait the dominant as unconcerned over the state of the submissive. Nothing can be further from the truth in our case. PYL was HORRIFIED when he realized the physical damage he had caused. To the point that I was getting anxious he might not want to continue exploring. ( I am so enjoying myself)

Yeahhh... See, the second half of this paragraph is a reinforcement of my response to 1 above... and a good lead-in to what I'm about to respond to the next paragraph. And yes, porn and a lot of erotica do often show the fantasies and dreams of the unknowing - and largely uncaring - fantasists who produce them. Even as one who is primarily (oh, say 95% or so) a sadist, I am very concerned about the state of my target. I mean, pyl! If I damage her excessively (past welts, bruises, and so on), I not only risk jail time, etc., but having to find a NEW one!

We've decided that finding a MUNCH is probably the next step in tapping into a community that can maybe help us with the learning. I must say however that after 20+ years of monogamy and never so much as seeing another *live* man naked has me cringing at the thought of attending a workshop.

Finding an active group with a variety of experiences and specialties in your area is an excellent idea. Not only can they provide knowledge and experience regarding the "mental/emotional" issues described above, they may well be able to provide you with new ideas for your play! As for never seeing another live man naked in your 20 years of monogamy, well, all I can say about that is: Enjoy it! LOL. As long as you're not showing signs of wanting to jump that naked guy's bones, I doubt that your PYL will have a problem with it, especially since he's likely to have corresponding opportunities to see other nekkid ladies... And he's not going to show you signs of wanting to jump *their* bones, though a bit later on, he may jump YOURS with just a wee bit more enthusiasm than normal.

Taking it slow is the best approach I can think of but we will appreciate any advice. PMs are okay.

ruby

Slow is good. Even Evel Knievel didn't try the Snake River on his first jump. Take your time, absorbing - and enjoying - each step of the journey, and learning your (both) own likes, dislikes, loves and hates about what you do. And don't be afraid to try things that you think at first would be icky... you may just find that the ickiness makes it really, really hot!

Good luck to you both! If you have specific questions you'd prefer not to ask in the openness of the forum, my PM box is always open, and if I don't have experience/the answer on a particular topic, I likely know someone who does, and will be happy to refer you in that direction.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Ruby, I've seen many first timers do the same thing. No mater how hard the top strikes, the answer is "green, baby, green!" and then the next day they can't walk or bend over... And the second time they play their tolerances are more accurate. That was true of me-- in fact, it's been true of me more than once, after a very long hiatus-- but that second time, my top was more experienced and monitored the bruising herself because she knew I was not going to be reasonable.

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

Ruby, I've seen many first timers do the same thing. No mater how hard the top strikes, the answer is "green, baby, green!" and then the next day they can't walk or bend over... And the second time they play their tolerances are more accurate. That was true of me-- in fact, it's been true of me more than once, after a very long hiatus-- but that second time, my top was more experienced and monitored the bruising herself because she knew I was not going to be reasonable.

I'll echo this sentiment, especially about coming back after a long hiatus.

I still distinctly remember the thought that ran through my head, the first play session after a few years break "Seriously? Is this all you've got? Disappointing but fun in it's own way"

The next day. Yikes. It was a confusing time.

 

[ruby_my_dear]

Thanks for taking the time to put together these thoughtful responses.

. And make also clear to him that the bruises and pain are not only welcome, but in fact something you can also feel his love through. Because you know that he’d never do it for you if he wouldn’t really love you.

Exactly how I feel and have been trying to express. I expect as you said, he just needs time and reassurance.

As for never seeing another live man naked in your 20 years of monogamy, well, all I can say about that is: Enjoy it! LOL. As long as you're not showing signs of wanting to jump that naked guy's bones,

LOL. I expect (or at least hope) there is a pretty large gap between attending our first munch and anyone else's naked bones. I was only trying to illustrate that I'm hardly an experienced cosmopolitan type and I expect I'll be very embarassed talking openly about all of this in person with anyone new(online isn't as scary)...I guess time and reassurance will work for me too.

Ruby, I've seen many first timers do the same thing.

I'll echo this sentiment.

Thanks again everyone. I appreciate the input and reassurance.

 

[Kojote]

Exactly how I feel and have been trying to express. I expect as you said, he just needs time and reassurance.

Just don't forget to talk with him about this.
He may feel similar to me. But he may also be very different.
Don't confuse my point of view with anything general. I'm a freak...

 

[ruby_my_dear]

Hi all,
I was thinking I'd like to use this thread as a place to post my experiences as I move through is BDSM learning curve. It might be helpful for me to have somewhere to post my thoughts without cluttering up other people's threads.

Let's see...what's new?

Sexual explorations were not on the agenda this week as DH was hit pretty hard by the death of a high school friend. He was very sick with cancer and his passing was a blessing in many ways. I only met him a few times but he was a very nice person and it's so sad that he leaves behind school age children.

I am really looking forward to going away overnight next Saturday to a town about 1hour away and attending a munch there. ( I am assured the dress and setting is totally vanilla...nary a naked man in sight..LOL)

I'm trying to gather my thoughts together to ask a question about what a lead up to a scene with my husband should involve but I need to reconcile for myself what it is that the bdsm community defines as a scene. To me the word implies something made-up, a show that's not genuine and gets turned off at the end. I'm having a hard time relating to that. Any insight?
ruby

 

[CutieMouse]

I'm trying to gather my thoughts together to ask a question about what a lead up to a scene with my husband should involve but I need to reconcile for myself what it is that the bdsm community defines as a scene. To me the word implies something made-up, a show that's not genuine and gets turned off at the end. I'm having a hard time relating to that. Any insight?
ruby

I've never understood the euphemisms ["scene", "play", etc], myself. I don't "scene" ["play"]... I enjoy my lover. Which means that some days I might clean house top to bottom [before we spend a few hours in bed], and others we might sit out in the garden talking about life, the universe and everything [before spending a few hours in bed]. Sounds pretty mundane, huh? LOL

 

[Stella_Omega]

I'm trying to gather my thoughts together to ask a question about what a lead up to a scene with my husband should involve but I need to reconcile for myself what it is that the bdsm community defines as a scene. To me the word implies something made-up, a show that's not genuine and gets turned off at the end. I'm having a hard time relating to that. Any insight?
ruby

There is no SHOULD in this. Its your scene and no one else's. And anyone you asked will tell you the same.

It isn't that the time in scene isn't genuine, but that it is difficult for many of us to incorporate that intensity into the rest of our lives. It's ritual time, best kept apart from the more mundane aspects of everyday life.
You might wish to create some sort of ritual that signals scene time, or sacred space, is coming on.

What turns you on? What's your fantasy? What's his?

 

[waaitg]

I would recommend taking advantage of the pool of knowledge and ask 2 specific groups of people in particular.

1) Other subs new to D/s (preferably less than 2 years) as the experiences they have will be fresher in their minds that might otherwise fade with time.

2) Ask around and see who instructed or lead workshops in the past. Generally they are used to answering questions from people who are new to the community / lifestyle and should be able to direct you to some decent sources of information.

For both groups though, do NOT take their advice as infallible as people vary and what may work 99% of the time, is no consolation when you turn out to be the 1% in the emergency room.

W~

 

[ruby_my_dear]

I would recommend taking advantage of the pool of knowledge and ask 2 specific groups of people in particular.

1) Other subs new to D/s (preferably less than 2 years) as the experiences they have will be fresher in their minds that might otherwise fade with time.

I am truly hoping that this thread could be used for that purpose as well and a place where they too can ask questions of the more experienced.

,... do NOT take their advice as infallible as people vary and what may work 99% of the time, is no consolation when you turn out to be the 1% in the emergency room.
W~

Well said. Advice I take to heart and that I hope all new and exploring parties will consider.

ruby