Do I write this shit okay?

[Cruel2BKind]

Sigh...

I write gay male, I love gay male, gay male is the only catagory where I respect and love most of my readers and consider most of them to be rational human beings.

But the sad truth is, two of my most popular stories are a couple of straight stories that I did for one of my friends. I am embracing the unfortunate popularity of titties on this site... and I'm wondering...

Did I write this shit okay? I really would like some critical feedback. Especially since one of the stories was in scifi/fantasy and they NEVER complain about stories.

http://www.literotica.com/s/the-slave-girl-2

http://www.literotica.com/s/the-half-breeds-journey

Thank you!

 

[lovecraft68]

Sigh...

I write gay male, I love gay male, gay male is the only catagory where I respect and love most of my readers and consider most of them to be rational human beings.

But the sad truth is, two of my most popular stories are a couple of straight stories that I did for one of my friends. I am embracing the unfortunate popularity of titties on this site... and I'm wondering...

Did I write this shit okay? I really would like some critical feedback. Especially since one of the stories was in scifi/fantasy and they NEVER complain about stories.

http://www.literotica.com/s/the-slave-girl-2

http://www.literotica.com/s/the-half-breeds-journey

Thank you!

Well it's not about writing in one genre better than another as the simple fact the "hetero" audience far out numbers the GM fan base. GM is only appealing to a small part of the audience here.

 

[Etaski]

Oh, Sci-Fi.... let me finish reading.

Although if I may say from a literary standpoint, your opening paragraph is astonishingly "spot-on." It's 3 sentences long, and it made me do a double-take, realize where the story was going to go (hopefully), and want to read more.

That's pretty damned good.

Specifically: "Raised by her mother, her mother's husband died before she was born."

I thought, "Her mother's husband? Isn't that awkward? Could easily put "her father died before she was born...."

Then I read the next sentence and did the "Ohhhhh....I gotcha...okay, lead on." Title and first paragraph good so far. I'll be back.

 

[Etaski]

Okay, in my opinion and based on "The Half-Breed's Journey," yes, you do "write this shit okay."

My favorite part of the story was the fact that you could give me a fantastical setting loaded with clarity and details from all five senses---and without being too long-winded about it. It gave me the broader scope I feel one needs for good Sci-Fi/Fantasy (even being categorized in "NonHuman" ), and you successfully placed me "elsewhere" while I was reading.

I was also impressed that the details seemed particular to this character, and this story. Somehow, it had a unique flavor and was not cookie-cutter despite the basics of a good "odd girl out in a village" story being the same.

Gay male, or not gay male, being able to do both these things means you can just plain write. That's way more important than the titties.

Writing about a girl getting thoroughly fucked by a magical demon...? Oh, I enjoyed myself. And if you've already got 16 favorites on that story, I would bet you the majority of those favorites are female readers.

Why? You made it easy for the female reader (....or even gay male reader, really, it wouldn't take much....) to imagine she was in Helen's place. That's huge for us getting aroused. (Oh yes, please, let it be me instead of her....)

You made her intelligent. You gave her a backbone and courage. You wrote that she wanted to survive, live her life on her terms, and make more of herself, to value herself. She out-smarted the demon, and at the end you opened up a wide, beautiful world of possibility for someone who didn't really belong and was never welcomed where she grew up. Now she has options.

This kind of character resonates deeply with many Sci-Fi/Fantasy readers. You hit it on the money. It's not the titties that made it popular, though you did make that easier for heteros to get into it (and they are more numerous). But you still wrote a very human story, and part of it probably comes from your own life and experience.

If you wanted "the bad" along with the good, I haven't got much, just two things.

The first is solely structural. Some of the exposition/explanations between actions was a bit clunky at some points and momentarily distracted me from my high. But at the same time, I was hungry for that information as well, and you gave it to me and let me slip right back into the hotness, so I could forgive you the awkward moments (and most Sci-Fi/Fantasy readers probably do the same). But it can be improved to put the exposition in places where it wouldn't be so distracting or draw as much attention away from the action.

The second is just a suggestion for making this particular story better. I'd have gone slower with the conversation revealing just what Helen was, make the conversation a bit more natural and not so hurried to wrap things up. A moment of self-reflection after such a royal fucking and a big, life-illuminating reveal is in order.

Other than that? Excellent work. Don't really care one whit if you normally like to write Gay Male, I wouldn't have been able to tell if you hadn't told me. It's just a good, female-oriented Sci-Fi/Fantasy story with its own merit.

 

[Etaski]

Aaaaand read the second one, "The Slave Girl."

I won't prattle on so long about this one, but I can distill it to some essence.

This one effected me a little differently:

I'd actually not consider it NonConsent, but Romance. One might try to make a case for Reluctance, but then I'd point to the "First Time" category and say it fits better there. Not a rape story in the least.

But saying that much, I'm not complaining. This is very well done and classic "bodice-ripper" stuff and re-tells one of the most common female fantasies that there is. She's beautiful and desired and in danger; a good man comes along to rescue her; he is sensitive and wins her trust; she wants to please him; they have a wonderfully romantic and hot "first time" together. Very good. You probably have an enormous female fan base with these two stories.

Again, I loved the fact that the setting had such clarity, that you paid attention to all five senses, that you made the apothecary genuinely likeable (to the point where I was "rooting" for him at the auction--I could have even taken a bit more suspense, so long as he still got her in the end), and that just about any woman could insert herself into the place of the Slave Girl and enjoy the ride.

This one had a few more of the Romance cliches in it, but it might also be showing that you're a good student and pay attention to how such stories are commonly written. Or just have very good instincts.

*shrug* At this point, I have no idea what it is that you want to do, exactly, but these 2 stories you've asked critical feedback on the topic of writing for "straight" audiences.... both of them are stories what would appeal largely to female readers (although the Sci-Fi/Fantasy one could draw a few male readers if you continued the story and included a couple male characters just as interesting as Helen). And you do it very well; you know how to put together a story, and you have good instincts what might appeal to a straight female.

This does not really come as a surprise to me, by the way. It makes sense; and I'd say you were a romantic at heart anyway.

 

[Cruel2BKind]

Thanks!!!

Wow... I didn't really expect a response this quickly! Or really, one at all for that matter.

Thank you so much for looking them over... I have actually been thinking of maybe picking up the half-breed story again. And for the slave girl story, I actually had it in the first time category, but the all-mighty editors switched it to noncon.

Thanks again!

 

[Etaski]

Wow... I didn't really expect a response this quickly!

I had time on my hands and liked the first paragraphs.

Thank you so much for looking them over... I have actually been thinking of maybe picking up the half-breed story again.

Fans of RPGs and Fantasy tales would perk up, no doubt.

And for the slave girl story, I actually had it in the first time category, but the all-mighty editors switched it to noncon.

Really?? LOL! They must not have read far enough! Yes, "First Time" would suit it much better.

Thanks again!

You're welcome.

 

[nicecthulhu]

I read The Half-Breed's Journey.
You did a decent job of making an interesting female character in a two page story with monster/tentacle sex. Most stories I've read of similar size seemed to be lacking the character development you achieve. And I personally liked the happy ending where she becomes stronger from what might have been a very bad experience.
The sex scene itself was good. Although the mechanics of the three puppet-males all fucking her threw me. Was the one pushing into her ass bent backwards? She was on one as he lay on the ground and his cock was in her pussy. Maybe I missed something when I read it the first time...
Personally, as a heterosexual male I would have preferred as much time spent on describing her fucking the other forms the demon took, but that may be my own particular perversion.
I didn't particularly like the use of brackets when you described a chemise. I prefer the author to assume I know or will look it up or for it to be described as part of the story.
So, you do write this shit OK. Like Etaski, I couldn't tell you were a gay male writing sort of hetero sex scenes.
But I wonder about your comments about 'the sad truth' and 'the unfortunate popularity of titties on this site'. I hope you're being tongue in cheek. We heterosexual guys like women. It's not a lifestyle choice, it's just the way we're born (now I'm trying to be funny).
Seriously, if you're writing for money I would assume because most of the people in the world are heterosexual that it's just going to sell better. If you're writing for fun, who cares if you have a small audience.
However, based on this one story I would hope you find some enjoyment in writing further non-gay male stories and continue.
I'll try to read the other story when I get some more free time.

 

[Etaski]

Personally, as a heterosexual male I would have preferred as much time spent on describing her fucking the other forms the demon took, but that may be my own particular perversion.

I love this; good alternate view and something to keep in mind. It's how I write my stuff when I know I'm writing primarily for a male audience.

But looking at how Cruel chose to write this story...it really did sway it more into the "softer female" side (while still being intense) as well as the particular "geek" quirk common in Sci-Fi/Fantasy that can forgive a little less graphic detail in favor of not losing sight of the bigger picture of the story (which was the start of her adventuring career---Hellloooo, D&D!! *ahem* No seriously, someone could take Helen as a Player Character wholesale, and here's her backstory already prepared! ).

Leaving the other forms the demon took more to the imagination is a plot device that put more importance on Helen as a character than it did on the demon sex as the point of the story. Personally, I thought it was one of the reasons it scored highly with its category (but might not do as well in a different category).

I didn't particularly like the use of brackets when you described a chemise. I prefer the author to assume I know or will look it up or for it to be described as part of the story.

Oh yes, I noticed that, too... Figured it was a moot point by this time given how long the story's been up, but in the future, yeah, don't define an article of clothing as an "insertion" within the story itself. Description is good when it's integrated into the scene or the action, but otherwise just let the reader look it up if they really want to know what it is. Good advice.

 

[Cruel2BKind]

I read The Half-Breed's Journey.
So, you do write this shit OK. Like Etaski, I couldn't tell you were a gay male writing sort of hetero sex scenes.
But I wonder about your comments about 'the sad truth' and 'the unfortunate popularity of titties on this site'. I hope you're being tongue in cheek. We heterosexual guys like women. It's not a lifestyle choice, it's just the way we're born (now I'm trying to be funny).
.

Just to make things clear, I'm a heterosexual female here.

It's okay, common mistake. And I was trying to be funny... but at the same time it IS a little frustrating when a piece that I worked on for months, a piece that I poured all of my heart and soul and creative abilities into, gets about 2300 views in the first week. And then a first-time bodice-ripper that I pumped out in three days becomes my most popular piece with over 30,000 views. I understand it... but still!

For me, I hate most female characters in erotica, I can almost never identify with them. So I hope that I'm writing female characters that the women on the site can appreciate without alienating the male one.

And don't worry... that last bit was pretty funny.

Thanks a lot for taking the time to review my story, it means a lot.

--Cruel

 

[JackLuis]

I think that both stories showed good craftsmanship.
Bring a fan of longer, more developed stories, I was wanting more description of the feelings and emotions, but they were pretty good.

I didn't get much of a hard-on, they were too short, but Hey, good enough to enjoy.

 

[nicecthulhu]

sorry for the misidentification

Yeah, sorry Cruel2BKind for being ignorant and assuming your gender and orientation. You'd think at my age I'd be a little less inclined to such mistakes...ha-ha! What am I saying?
In my defence, ...no, I've got no good defence.
Etaski's counter-point that you were writing for the 'softer female' side was a very good one. When I think back, I realize that describing the rest of the sex acts would have made the story edgier and perhaps Helen would not have come across the same way. I enjoyed the story as you wrote it and I might have needed to be in the proper mood to have appreciated it the way I suggested.
I'll say again, though, that I liked the character and how she grows through the story.

I didn't realize there were so many issues with females characters on this sight. Although, I only read somewhere between 5 and 10 stories over 2 to 3 years before I started submitting my own. Admittedly, some of the females characters were little better than sex slaves or bimbos, but they do have their place (at least from a guy's viewpoint). On the other hand, in non-erotic fiction I prefer reading modern-written stories when they have strong female characters. As a guy, I don't think I'm alone in that.
So, I don't think you'll lose male readers unless they are dedicated to reading about the 'confident and competent woman who gets her come-uppance because she once dared say no to a guy'.

I understand the frustration about which of your stories seem more popular, but I think that's a common ailment among authors of any stripe. Every time I submit a story I have no idea how it will be received. I work hard on each of them. I've not submitted some simply because they weren't good enough. At least you know your romance stuff might sell!

 

[Cruel2BKind]

I think that both stories showed good craftsmanship.
Bring a fan of longer, more developed stories, I was wanting more description of the feelings and emotions, but they were pretty good.

I didn't get much of a hard-on, they were too short, but Hey, good enough to enjoy.

Sorry, my developed stories are all in gay male!

Thank you for reading, and giving an opinion.

 

[LordMhoram]

It worked for me

I understand nicecthulhu's comment about wanting to hear the details of the other manifestations. leaving that out left me wanting more.

And that was a superb thing to do; if there was a chapter 2 I'd be reading that right now instead of writing this post.

Helen is very real, and very believable. I certainly would like to read more of her adventures, and more of her sexuality. She is a character who makes you care about what happens to her, and that means the sex scenes are more powerful and 'present' as you read them.

Like I said in my comments; "More Please!"

 

[Cruel2BKind]

If I come out with a second chapter, you'll be the first to know