Reviews of bad movies

[PennLady]

Roger Ebert has posted a blog entry containing some excerpts from movies he panned. It's pretty amusing, and I thought this one was most appropriate for this site:

The Soderbergh film makes the point that few things are more boring than what arouses someone else -- unless it also arouses you, of course, in which case you can forget the other person and just get on with it. -- "Eros"

Full list here.

ETA: They aren't all bad movies -- my mistake -- but there are some fun zingers.

 

[TE999]

This is hilarious! Ol' Roger must have a razor strop for his tongue.

"We're making a list,
checking it twice
Gonna find out,
whose movie was scheiss." LMAO.

 

[Feotakahari]

"She and Daredevil are powerfully attracted to each other, and even share some PG-13 sex, which is a relief, because when superheroes have sex at the R level, I am always afraid someone will get hurt."

I'm afraid Larry Niven beat you to that one.

"Two things that cannot be convincingly faked are laughter and orgasm. If a movie made you laugh, as a critic you have to be honest and report that. Not so much with orgasms."

Depends on what you're critiquing.

"Ron Jeremy, for those not willing to admit they know who he is, has been in more porn films than anyone else. His popularity is easily explained: Every man alive believes that any woman would prefer him to Ron Jeremy."

No comment.

 

[PayDay]

Good post

Roger Ebert has posted a blog entry containing some excerpts from movies he panned. It's pretty amusing, and I thought this one was most appropriate for this site:

Very good zingers indeed. I would have liked to see a review of Big Trouble In Little China, I bet there was some zingers for that epic film.

"Ron Jeremy, for those not willing to admit they know who he is, has been in more porn films than anyone else. His popularity is easily explained: Every man alive believes that any woman would prefer him to Ron Jeremy."

No comment.

Yeah, this was my favorite---^ next to the Pearl Harbor one.

"Pearl Harbor' is a two-hour movie squeezed into three hours, about how on Dec. 7, 1941, the Japanese staged a surprise attack on an American love triangle.

I thought I had heard ever possible quip to that. Turns out I really do learn something new every day.

 

[PennLady]

Here is the entire Pearl Harbor review. It has plenty of zingers.

Here's the entire first paragraph:

"Pearl Harbor" is a two-hour movie squeezed into three hours, about how on Dec. 7, 1941, the Japanese staged a surprise attack on an American love triangle. Its centerpiece is 40 minutes of redundant special effects, surrounded by a love story of stunning banality. The film has been directed without grace, vision, or originality, and although you may walk out quoting lines of dialog, it will not be because you admire them.

I have seen this movie, unfortunately. I have to agree on every count, from what I remember. And I'd rather not remember any more than I do.

 

[Verdad]

Happily, I couldn't recognize more than a few titles.

I'm stealing the phrase “transcendentally bad”, though.

 

[TheeGoatPig]

Very good zingers indeed. I would have liked to see a review of Big Trouble In Little China, I bet there was some zingers for that epic film.

I love Big Trouble In Little China.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Here is the entire Pearl Harbor review. It has plenty of zingers.

Here's the entire first paragraph:


I have seen this movie, unfortunately. I have to agree on every count, from what I remember. And I'd rather not remember any more than I do.

Yes, I saw this movie when it came out, and it was numbingly bad. Absolutely nothing happens, and they even managed to make the actual attack on Pearl Harbor utterly boring. I left the theater feeling novocained and didn't go to the movies again for like 2 years.

Stephen Pollard on the film Mama Mia: "The film is indeed absolute cack: appallingly written, witlessly directed and sung as if by mice being tortured. It makes Teletubbies look like The Iliad in comparison."

And someone once referred to Vin Diesel as being "outperformed by his tattoos."

 

[TxRad]

"

And someone once referred to Vin Diesel as being "outperformed by his tattoos."

That can be said about most action hero actors. They are there for their muscles, not their acting skills.

 

[PennLady]

That can be said about most action hero actors. They are there for their muscles, not their acting skills.

True, but once in a while, with the right mix of director, actor and script, you get something a little better than that. Not often, but it's a pleasant surprise when it happens.

I read a comment about Keanu Reeves. I can't remember who wrote it but it was: Mr. Reeves cannot act his way into a paper bag, let alone out of one.

 

[LisbethElliot]

Yes, I saw this movie when it came out, and it was numbingly bad. Absolutely nothing happens, and they even managed to make the actual attack on Pearl Harbor utterly boring. I left the theater feeling novocained and didn't go to the movies again for like 2 years.

Stephen Pollard on the film Mama Mia: "The film is indeed absolute cack: appallingly written, witlessly directed and sung as if by mice being tortured. It makes Teletubbies look like The Iliad in comparison."

And someone once referred to Vin Diesel as being "outperformed by his tattoos."

I love "Mama Mia." Vin Diesel, not so much.

 

[lovecraft68]

Yes, I saw this movie when it came out, and it was numbingly bad. Absolutely nothing happens, and they even managed to make the actual attack on Pearl Harbor utterly boring. I left the theater feeling novocained and didn't go to the movies again for like 2 years.

Stephen Pollard on the film Mama Mia: "The film is indeed absolute cack: appallingly written, witlessly directed and sung as if by mice being tortured. It makes Teletubbies look like The Iliad in comparison."

And someone once referred to Vin Diesel as being "outperformed by his tattoos."

Well it's obvious why, his tattoos are brighter than he is.

 

[TheeGoatPig]

Vin Diesel actually knows how to act, and can act well. He just stars in a lot of shit movies with as little acting as possible.

And his diction sucks. Most people confuse that for bad acting, but they are mistaken. There is a difference.

 

[Verdad]

Vin Diesel actually knows how to act, and can act well. He just stars in a lot of shit movies with as little acting as possible.

And his diction sucks. Most people confuse that for bad acting, but they are mistaken. There is a difference.

I haven’t seen very much of him, but I don’t dislike him. The ones I’ve seen, like xXx and Babylon AD, were all I expect from that type of action movie and didn’t once bore me, annoy me, or make me laugh where I wasn’t supposed to. Which is actually saying a lot.

 

[PayDay]

Of course you do.

I love Big Trouble In Little China.

Me too, because it's the best movie ever made. If you don't think so, you'll be sent to the hell where people are skinned alive, and/or the hell of being cut to pieces.

 

[manyeyedhydra]

Vin Diesel actually knows how to act, and can act well. He just stars in a lot of shit movies with as little acting as possible.

And his diction sucks. Most people confuse that for bad acting, but they are mistaken. There is a difference.

Pitch Black. Superb Sci-Fi film.

 

[TheeGoatPig]

Me too, because it's the best movie ever made. If you don't think so, you'll be sent to the hell where people are skinned alive, and/or the hell of being cut to pieces.

Chinese have a lot of hells

 

[PennLady]

Vin Diesel actually knows how to act, and can act well. He just stars in a lot of shit movies with as little acting as possible.

And his diction sucks. Most people confuse that for bad acting, but they are mistaken. There is a difference.

Diesel was in a film called (I believe) "Find Me Guilty," which was directed by the late Sidney Lumet. I didn't read a ton of reviews, but I believe he got pretty good reaction, and much of it was along the lines of "Hey, he can act!" And again, I'd say -- look at the director and the script, which probably helped a lot. (Like that Steven Seagal film with the train and Tommy Lee Jones. )

 

[TheeGoatPig]

Diesel was in a film called (I believe) "Find Me Guilty," which was directed by the late Sidney Lumet. I didn't read a ton of reviews, but I believe he got pretty good reaction, and much of it was along the lines of "Hey, he can act!" And again, I'd say -- look at the director and the script, which probably helped a lot. (Like that Steven Seagal film with the train and Tommy Lee Jones. )

I saw that movie.

And Tommy Lee Jones was in the one with the boat, not the train.

 

[PennLady]

I saw that movie.

And Tommy Lee Jones was in the one with the boat, not the train.

Right. Steven Segal movies tend to run together for me, so I'm not surprised I messed it up. Once in college I saw a Segal movie (Above the Law, maybe?) and years and years later, I saw it on TV and said, hey I saw this in college. In those interim years, I totally forgot I saw it.

So the TLJ movie was "Under Siege?" And what was the train one? Oh, wait, that was the sequel, wasn't it? And wasn't as good. See how I mix up his movies?

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Right. Steven Segal movies tend to run together for me, so I'm not surprised I messed it up. Once in college I saw a Segal movie (Above the Law, maybe?) and years and years later, I saw it on TV and said, hey I saw this in college. In those interim years, I totally forgot I saw it.

So the TLJ movie was "Under Siege?" And what was the train one? Oh, wait, that was the sequel, wasn't it? And wasn't as good. See how I mix up his movies?

Segal is one of those actors who always seem to be doing a parody of themselves. It's a little known fact that he actually only made one movie in his entire career. They change the names and the title and some of the crunching sounds and release it every two years. No one seems to mind.

Dorothy Parker, on Katherine Hepburn's acting: "She runs the gamut of emotions from A to B."

Some other (unknown) reviewer said of Bruce Willis that he built an entire career on his smirk.

 

[jomar]

Pitch Black. Superb Sci-Fi film.

Yep..

 

[Verdad]

Segal is one of those actors who always seem to be doing a parody of themselves. It's a little known fact that he actually only made one movie in his entire career. They change the names and the title and some of the crunching sounds and release it every two years. No one seems to mind.

I may have stayed awake through a Steven Segal movie one time. I think.

 

[PayDay]

I decided to revive this thread since I watch a lot of really good bad movies.
Last night I caught this one:

The Peacekeeper
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0119872/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1

Featuring Dolf Lundgren, Roy Scheider, and Montel Williams.

Aside from the soundtrack (which was 100% midi ) the film was surprisingly badass, featuring such awesomeness as a rooftop carchase scene (to rival anything these days) that put Batman&Robin to shame, Rocket exhaust, and valmorphed voice phone calls.

At minimum you will laugh at the well delivered jokes and out of place top notch acting.

 

[PayDay]

Crooked Lines
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0271444/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1

Like a Guy Ritchie movie in NYC with better cameos and awesome jokes.

Featuring such awesomeness as a workout fanatic Jim Brewer, fake deaths, crackhead street merchandise, and a that guy who sings "HOT HOT HOT" pooping himself.