New and a little embarrassed

[luvnobey]

This is my first post. I am married and have tried to talk to my husband about my needs to be submissive. He has been wonderful but life gets in the way. He is not as interested in sex as I am. I feel like I am cheating on him but I have to be honest I feel so lonely right now. I look around at the same loads of laundry and the same dishes in the sink day after day after day. I just want some sexual adventure. I want to give up control and have a master help me find the true me. Sometimes I feel like no one understands that is why I decided to post. Do any of you feel alone in the real world. It is the same details day after day. I also have s strong faith background and I feel like such a sinner. Are there really dominates out there who try to find out about the needs of their subs. I just don't know what to do about my submissive needs.

 

[dreami]

Hi!
there is nothing to be embarrassed about knowing your your wants and needs is a blessing that seems to be a curse because of the way we have all been conditioned in the vanilla world.

Just as you see the same repetative chores daily maybe your hubby feels the same about his responsibilities. A Master may use you with teasing and play so serve your hubby with a smile and humble yourself to his needs and ask for nothing for yourself.

i made a boyfriend a book of 'kinky' tokens which piqued his interest and did make our sex lives slightly more active - he couldnt really share all that turned him on and the tokens 'took the pressure and embarrasment' out of it.

As for your personal spiritual dilemma - it is because of this that i choose to respond - i kinda have the same, but i know life is for learning and new experiences. i am also looking for someone to explore my sub side so hang in there and with all my heart i hope you find what you are looking for.

 

[Teaiya]

Hey,

I used to be a very strong christian and have struggled continuosly with it. Once you know yourself you must accept it or you put unneeded stress on yourself, if it is who you are and your god made you that way... then can it be wrong? (I'm looking at it from a christian point of view, i'm not sure if that's your religion so sorry if it's not)

 

[Sir_Winston54]

Okay, I'm breaking down this post into sections for a number of reasons; the primary is to make both it and my responses more understandable.

This is my first post.

As it's your first post, welcome to Lit. There is a wealth of experience and knowledge available amongst and from the posters here. Feel free to seek answers to your questions and conundrums here, and also drop into the Café for a somewhat lighter-hearted outlook on life.

I am married and have tried to talk to my husband about my needs to be submissive.

"Trying" to talk to him is a fail. Sorry; that may seem harsh, but it's real. If this is important to you - and him - MAKE time to sit down and talk to him about this issue. Time when you *both* are aware and alert and focused. Many of us here frequently say that the key to a healthy relationship is healthy communication within the relationship. There's no reason for that fact to be any different for you than it is for the rest of the world. MAKE the time.

He has been wonderful but life gets in the way.

Darlin' (that's not hitting on you; I'm a Southerner by life and inclination, and that's the way we talk ), life *always* gets in the way, if you let it. Don't. If it's important to you - and him - give life a kick in the kiester and get done what you need done.

He is not as interested in sex as I am.

That's one of those things you need to talk with him about.

I feel like I am cheating on him but I have to be honest I feel so lonely right now. I look around at the same loads of laundry and the same dishes in the sink day after day after day.

"If it feels like cheating, it almost certainly is." I don't remember who said that or when, but it pretty much covers the topic. Same loads of laundry, same dishes in the sink day after day after day? Do the laundry, then wear some different clothes. Do the dishes, cook something different, and use paper plates. Oh... not that "same?" (Sorry - I'm a wiseass.) Yeah, the everyday details of life generally suck. They're the price we pay for making the time for the things that are important to us so that life is actually worth living. Can't make the laundry or dishes any more fun or exciting, but getting them over with can give us the opportunity to make the *rest* of life more fun/exciting...

I just want some sexual adventure.

Hmmm... looking back at the previous section, how much does that boring stuff contribute to your desire for "some sexual adventure?" Daydream much while standing over a steaming kitchen sink with your hands soaking in Dawn and grease and leftover bits from last night's dinner?

I want to give up control and have a master help me find the true me. Sometimes I feel like no one understands; that is why I decided to post.

Damn, this is going to sound a bit cruel, but it's really not intended that way. I've never yet - in more than 40 years of doing this stuff (BDSM) - met a master or Dominant who could read your mind and heart and discover the true you. Only you can do that. A PYL (Pick Your Label - Dominant, Master, Sadist, Top, etc.; pyl/pick your label - submissive, slave, masochist, bottom, etc.) might be able to help you find ways to bring the true you to life, once you figure out who that is, though. But you have to do the really hard work of finding who you are in the midst of all the other parts of life that get in the way.

Do any of you feel alone in the real world? It is the same details day after day.

“We're born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we're not alone.” - Orson Welles. Pretty damned bright guy. As for the "same details," see preceding paragraphs.

I also have s strong faith background and I feel like such a sinner.

Yeah, I'm gonna skip right over this one. I don't do religious questions. Sorry. Not enough time in real life to fuss with that stuff.

Are there really dominants ["dominate" is a verb] out there who try to find out about the needs of their subs? I just don't know what to do about my submissive needs.

Yes, there are PYLs out there who try to find out the needs of their pyls and help them meet those needs. The good ones - a lot of 'em - do that. The bad ones - and there are some out there - just want to meet their own needs. The really, really good ones work at setting things up so that *both* sides' needs are met. There are a goodly number of those out there, too.

Good luck.

 

[His_pet_slut]

Sir Winston is an incredibly wise man. I hope you read his words carefully and take them to heart.

At the end of the day, no matter how much you are fulfilled as a submissive, sexually, etc...that laundry pile is still going to be there. There will still be dishes to do. There will still be bathrooms to clean, beds to make. Positions as a harem girl with no responsibilities other than being ready to drop to their knees and suck cock are few and far between and generally just the stuff of novels.

I'm not saying this to discourage you from working on fulfilling your needs, just as a reminder that real life is just that, real life. It has laundry and dishes and trips to the market to be made.

 

[TiggersMaster]

luvnobey,
SirWinston's advice is excellent. I too am new, but only to this forum. My wife was in your position several years back. While I had generally taken the lead in our marriage/life, it was never formal. She was always an outgoing, but timid person. One night shortly after getting in bed, she flat out asked me if I could be her master. I asked her to what level she was requesting, as this would affect my response. This can be a tremendous responsibility for a master & if it is overwhelming to them it will not work. If she was looking for a life like "The Secretary" I would have said no, because I couldn't conceivably tell her how many steps she is to take when going to the kitchen. Does your husband show any signs of authoritativeness? Does he make many of the decisions in your lives now? What worked for us may/may not work for you. We decided to buy a few books & watch a few movies & discuss between us what aspects of the lifestyle were interesting to us. Then we slowly worked them into our lives, & continue adding to this day. We are very happy living our d/s lifestyle devoid of much bdsm. You have nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed about. Do not seek a master outside of your marriage without complete consent from your husband... unless you want an immediate end to your marriage. Even then, it its a huge risk.

TiggersMaster

 

[CutieMouse]

This is my first post. I am married and have tried to talk to my husband about my needs to be submissive.

HOW have you tried to talk to him? What language did you use? Were you asking him for vague "I want you to take charge in our relationship" leadership? Bedroom only leadership? Can you describe what a "perfect day" as his submissive would look like?

Second series of questions - does your idea of a D/s style marriage, and his idea of a D/s style marriage (presuming he's actually interested in such things) look the same? If so, how can y'all start working towards that goal? If not, are there any areas of compromise?

He has been wonderful but life gets in the way. He is not as interested in sex as I am. I feel like I am cheating on him but I have to be honest I feel so lonely right now. I look around at the same loads of laundry and the same dishes in the sink day after day after day.

Guess what? Life carries on, even for the kinky folk. Except that bringing D/s into things sometimes (often) complicates stuff. One of The Men™ [the long distance one] decided this summer that exploring D/s was creating problems in his day-to-day life. He'd be in the middle of a project, or at a business conference, or a PTA meeting, and lose all focus/interest because all he could think about was when he'd see/do fantastically kinky things to me next. His solution was total and complete celibacy when we aren't together. We only see one another once a month or so, and even then aren't always intimate, because we recognize how vital it is to maintain balance. Life carries on...

I just want some sexual adventure. I want to give up control and have a master help me find the true me.

"Sexual adventure" is awfully broad. I mean, are you talking something other than missionary sex in the dark every third Monday night, or are you feeling that in order to have a fulfilling sex life you need to organize bukkake party while the kidlets are in school?

"Wanting to give up control" isn't too uncommon. When I first started exploring the concepts of D/s, I thought the coolest possible relationship on the planet would involve "giving up control". In my head I knew exactly how it would go - I'd be collared and linked to his desk by a long rope of some sort, and all I'd have to do all day was cater to his every need. I'd file his papers and make his coffee, and when I wasn't doing that, I'd sit under his desk and give blow jobs. In that perfect world, there was no housework, no bills (for me anyway), no demands outside of the simple ones, no decisions to make. I had a brief taste of something similar a few years later... dear God was it boring.

Sometimes I feel like no one understands that is why I decided to post. Do any of you feel alone in the real world. It is the same details day after day.

Your post doesn't strike me as someone who is necessarily sexually unfulfilled... but it does sound like someone's who's life is currently unfulfilling.The reality of submission isn't all about sex. Part of my service to one of The Men™ (the one who lives around here) is housekeeping. No sexy French maid outfits or kinky play... just taking one morning a month to create order from his chaos.

I also have s strong faith background and I feel like such a sinner. Are there really dominants out there who try to find out about the needs of their subs. I just don't know what to do about my submissive needs.

If you are struggling to resign kinky desires with Christianity [I'm guessing you're Christian?], I'd suggest you look for Christian based BDSM groups at Fetlife.com and explore the faith's history of power and sexuality. The theory that "alternative" sex = automatic sin is simply not true. (Sex, religion, and how the Church has dealt with pain/pleasure/power over the centuries is actually a fascinating subject... one of The Men™ has two Masters and his ABD [all but doctoral dissertation] in theology. )

Yes there are dominant men (and women) out there who care about the needs of their submissive partners... but it isn't as if you'll decide you aren't happy with your marriage, and the right lover will show up (online or off) the next day. My current relationship with The Men™ are the closest thing to perfect I've ever had. And it only took 10 years of hard work, personal growth, and almost half a dozen attempts/failures at the D/s thing to find them. LOL

Again - what are these "needs". Specifically. And why can't those needs be met within your marriage? If they really really really can't [be met within your marriage] - then you need to either decide to find a way to be happy with what you have, get your husband's permission to have a dominant lover outside the marriage, or end things.

 

[ruby_my_dear]

new too

I can't come close to the wealth of experience offered by others but I think I'm in a similar situation as you are and thought I'd offer up my $0.02

I really only started exploring my submissive (or maybe I need to call it bottom...I'm still not sure) side in the last year. I started out online and felt so good to see others posting what I have felt for a long time.

I'm going to leave out a bunch of stuff in the middle to keep this brief but the result was that my husband and I opened a dialogue that, however it is you get there, I hope you can too.

We got married 15 years ago for a reason. We are good for each other. The problem was that the tediousness of "life" and diverging interests got in the way. Add to that the intensity of the feelings I was experiencing in my D/s explorations and his fear of loosing control and hurting me if he dared to explore with me, no wonder it wasn't easy to keep trying to communicate about this topic.

Last night, we scrolled through the favorite BDSM pictures thread and commented on the different posts. "that's hot"..."I just don't get that"..."Hmm I like that one"..."Me too". It was a great way to explore what we might want to try and areas we should stay away from until we feel more comfortable with the whole idea. He surprised me and I think himself with how some of the things we looked at turned him on. After the ice was broken, it was easier to ask each other questions.

It's early days still but even if sharing the D/s thing doesn't work out at least through the discussion he will understand better what makes me tick and the communication is good for our relationship overall not just for the sexual aspect.

Hope this helps. If you want to talk about any of it (or the stuff in the middle) I hope you PM me.

ruby

 

[SirLeo]

Dam SW, soem pretty good advice and wisdom shared there!

Okay, I'm breaking down this post into sections for a number of reasons; the primary is to make both it and my responses more understandable.

As it's your first post, welcome to Lit. There is a wealth of experience and knowledge available amongst and from the posters here. Feel free to seek answers to your questions and conundrums here, and also drop into the Café for a somewhat lighter-hearted outlook on life.

"Trying" to talk to him is a fail. Sorry; that may seem harsh, but it's real. If this is important to you - and him - MAKE time to sit down and talk to him about this issue. Time when you *both* are aware and alert and focused. Many of us here frequently say that the key to a healthy relationship is healthy communication within the relationship. There's no reason for that fact to be any different for you than it is for the rest of the world. MAKE the time.

Darlin' (that's not hitting on you; I'm a Southerner by life and inclination, and that's the way we talk ), life *always* gets in the way, if you let it. Don't. If it's important to you - and him - give life a kick in the kiester and get done what you need done.

That's one of those things you need to talk with him about.

"If it feels like cheating, it almost certainly is." I don't remember who said that or when, but it pretty much covers the topic. Same loads of laundry, same dishes in the sink day after day after day? Do the laundry, then wear some different clothes. Do the dishes, cook something different, and use paper plates. Oh... not that "same?" (Sorry - I'm a wiseass.) Yeah, the everyday details of life generally suck. They're the price we pay for making the time for the things that are important to us so that life is actually worth living. Can't make the laundry or dishes any more fun or exciting, but getting them over with can give us the opportunity to make the *rest* of life more fun/exciting...

Hmmm... looking back at the previous section, how much does that boring stuff contribute to your desire for "some sexual adventure?" Daydream much while standing over a steaming kitchen sink with your hands soaking in Dawn and grease and leftover bits from last night's dinner?

Damn, this is going to sound a bit cruel, but it's really not intended that way. I've never yet - in more than 40 years of doing this stuff (BDSM) - met a master or Dominant who could read your mind and heart and discover the true you. Only you can do that. A PYL (Pick Your Label - Dominant, Master, Sadist, Top, etc.; pyl/pick your label - submissive, slave, masochist, bottom, etc.) might be able to help you find ways to bring the true you to life, once you figure out who that is, though. But you have to do the really hard work of finding who you are in the midst of all the other parts of life that get in the way.

“We're born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we're not alone.” - Orson Welles. Pretty damned bright guy. As for the "same details," see preceding paragraphs.

Yeah, I'm gonna skip right over this one. I don't do religious questions. Sorry. Not enough time in real life to fuss with that stuff.

Yes, there are PYLs out there who try to find out the needs of their pyls and help them meet those needs. The good ones - a lot of 'em - do that. The bad ones - and there are some out there - just want to meet their own needs. The really, really good ones work at setting things up so that *both* sides' needs are met. There are a goodly number of those out there, too.

Good luck.

 

[luvnobey]

Thanks

Thank you for all your posts. It has given me some insite. I understand that life is going to have laundry and dishes. I just want a little reward now and then. I know some masters give little rewards. You know it is nice to get a reward. I try to do nice things in return. I really have openly discussed all of my desires with my spouse. I have even tried to do the things he has wanted me to do sexually to get the ball rolling. Believe me I have tried everything. I just appreciate being able to vent here. I'm frustrated right now is all. Thanks

 

[CutieMouse]

Thank you for all your posts. It has given me some insite. I understand that life is going to have laundry and dishes. I just want a little reward now and then. I know some masters give little rewards. You know it is nice to get a reward. I try to do nice things in return. I really have openly discussed all of my desires with my spouse. I have even tried to do the things he has wanted me to do sexually to get the ball rolling. Believe me I have tried everything. I just appreciate being able to vent here. I'm frustrated right now is all. Thanks

That's a [very common] relationship issue - especially when one spouse is carrying the weight of the household on his or her shoulders. I wouldn't say "some masters give little rewards now and then", but I would say wise and caring partners make a point to express their appreciation.

You sound frustrated and a bit burned out [BTDT]... "vanilla" as it may sound, I'd suggest a date night/weekly adult time (together or separate) to break up the monotony of life being life.

 

[Lilac_Sky]

Thank you for all your posts. It has given me some insite. I understand that life is going to have laundry and dishes. I just want a little reward now and then. I know some masters give little rewards. You know it is nice to get a reward. I try to do nice things in return. I really have openly discussed all of my desires with my spouse. I have even tried to do the things he has wanted me to do sexually to get the ball rolling. Believe me I have tried everything. I just appreciate being able to vent here. I'm frustrated right now is all. Thanks

Welcome to Lit. I have to say that I have been in your place. Almost exactly in your place (minus the faith/religion part).

It seems to me that the problems in your marriage are relationship problems, more than dominant/submissive issues. This isn't in any way to negate your submissive "yearnings." But not feeling appreciated, noticed, valued ... not feeling cherished, adored, desired are relationship issues. And they are actually quite big and important issues. From experience, I can tell you that resentment can build if you are "trying everything" and he isn't responding.

As for rewards from Masters (or Mistresses), is it accurate to say you want to be acknowledged and appreciated for your efforts? That is natural for anyone and doesn't need to be part of a D/s relationship.

As others have said, you need to make this clear to him. You have to let him know how serious this issue is for you (the emptiness you feel, more so than the D/s yearnings you have). In my humble opinion, the loneliness can easily be dismissed when it is hidden behind "oh, she wants to get into BDSM and that isn't my thing."

 

[Stella_Omega]

Does anyone remember where my last rant on the concept of dominant bottom might have been posted? Because you know i want to suggest this alternative thought right about now-- but I is brains dead.

 

[StrayKat]

life *always* gets in the way

Indeed it does, the pesky thing.

Sir Winston, you are all kinds of awesome.

 

[Jaded_One]

I want to give up control and have a master help me find the true me. .... I just don't know what to do about my submissive needs.

Welcome!

Finding the true you is an exploration that you have to undertake. It requires soul searching, education, and conversations(sometimes just in your own head). It is an ongoing process that will evolve as you come to know yourself better. A Master can only meet a sub's needs if that sub knows what those needs are.

There is now a plethora of information regarding BDSM, both online and in book form. The BDSM Library thread is a start and this thread Books as well as specific discussions regarding "vanilla" or non kinky elements in Vanilla threads

Hope this helps.

 

[LucyH]

Hmmm... looking back at the previous section, how much does that boring stuff contribute to your desire for "some sexual adventure?" Daydream much while standing over a steaming kitchen sink with your hands soaking in Dawn and grease and leftover bits from last night's dinner?

As a scullery maid, I wash a lot of dishes. It is, indeed, quite conducive to daydreaming. That's the best thing about my job. I think about the hours I spend on dishes as mental holidays. I can think about ANYTHING while dealing with the same dishes over and over and over. My coworkers tell me I always look happy.

And that's all I have to contribute, beyond what's already been said.

 

[ravi64]

This is my first post. I am married and have tried to talk to my husband about my needs to be submissive. He has been wonderful but life gets in the way. He is not as interested in sex as I am. I feel like I am cheating on him but I have to be honest I feel so lonely right now. I look around at the same loads of laundry and the same dishes in the sink day after day after day. I just want some sexual adventure. I want to give up control and have a master help me find the true me. Sometimes I feel like no one understands that is why I decided to post. Do any of you feel alone in the real world. It is the same details day after day. I also have s strong faith background and I feel like such a sinner. Are there really dominates out there who try to find out about the needs of their subs. I just don't know what to do about my submissive needs.

Have you met the one you search for ?

 

[tessie_bluebird]

I don't have as much patience with this poster as many of you. It doesn't seem like the person wants true D/s, just something to do to keep from being bored. Just my opinion though.

I admit I can be a bit of a BDSM snob.

 

[ravi64]

I don't have as much patience with this poster as many of you. It doesn't seem like the person wants true D/s, just something to do to keep from being bored. Just my opinion though.

I admit I can be a bit of a BDSM snob.

It is nice not to be too judgmental

 

[tessie_bluebird]

Well I wasn't trying to be nice. I prefer honest feedback to being nice. Sometimes I forget others do not feel the same.

 

[ravi64]

School girls who are not nice are made to put clothes pins on their nips and punished in other indescribably ways

 

[luvnobey]

Response

In response to your question Ravi64. Yes I have found the one that I am looking for. He listens to me. He is everything I am looking for in a dom. ( Yes I am not playing around out of boredom. ) Thank you "SUN" shine for everything.

 

[ravi64]

In response to your question Ravi64. Yes I have found the one that I am looking for. He listens to me. He is everything I am looking for in a dom. ( Yes I am not playing around out of boredom. ) Thank you "SUN" shine for everything.

thanks that is interesting have a nice time with your Dom

 

[FurryFury]

Wow. Could this hook up be any more obvious?

LOL

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

Wow. Could this hook up be any more obvious?

LOL

Well, it took 6 days, not 3, so..... yeah no. You're right.