Sub who needs some advice

[wolfkarategirl]

advice

Hello everyone,

thank you all

 

[bhndblueyes88]

Hello there, and welcome, first off

Hello everyone,

I am still new to this so please forgive me if I am bad at explaining things. Over the past year I have pursued better understanding my submissive side. I am new to things and have found a wonderful Dom who is also new, so we are learning together. I have a few questions and hope others out there can help me.

1. Is there a way to tell the difference between one of my submissive needs and my general relationship needs. There is a little bit of distance between us and sometimes I wonder if some of the things I'm feeling are because I'm missing my dom not just my boyfriend. I also would like any advice on how to make it easier.

2. I am not submissive at all in any other aspect of my life. I am a female engineer so I don't really have a choice in the matter. But there are times that my submissive area crosses over, particularly when my family is involved and they DO NOT like it. They often make fun of me or tell me there is something wrong with me. I was wondering if there is anything I can do to keep that from happening?

I don't believe either of these have the easy answers you're looking for. I'm sorry I can't give you one. Both will entail you remaining mindful of yourself and your actions/desires, and adjusting as necessary. I know, that is what you are doing and you want an "easy" answer. I don't think there is one. I don't think there should be one. These things are...you. How you respond to changes, needs, wants and how you interact with others is WHO YOU ARE. That should never be easy. Not saying it should be hard, but it shouldn't be easy. You have already done the first and (for many, hardest) step of seeing where you need improvement. Now...affect that improvement. If you don't want to do something in a certain situation, just try not to do it. You'll fuck up, it's inevitable. That's life. Learn from it, change from it, and move forward.

Specifically for your first point, it could be that what you need as a sub and what you need as a girlfriend aren't as separated as you think. I've had days where I really just feel the need for a beating. But you know what? It's often because I feel the need for connection that's SO HARD for me to get over the distance between us. It's like being far from him in a room in a crowd, and being close to him alone in our bedroom. When we're together, I can be incredibly satisfied with very very "normal" sex. But when we're this far apart and this busy, clothespins and smacking becomes a megaphone to bridge the distance. So it's more of the above. Just stop and consider it.

As for others making fun of you. If they're just teasing you with love, then maybe try to change how you look on it. If they're just being malicious, fuck them. With a cactus. It's not you with the problem. It's them. So don't worry about their problems for them.

All that is easier said than done. I know. I know ALL too well. But I'm afraid there aren't easy answers. Or. well. I guess that's not that accurate. I'm afraid that if there are easy answers, I have no idea what they are. I'd give you ideas on what methods you can use to achieve these goals, but that's so individual that I can't really do that for you.

3. My last question regards sub-space. I accidentally slipped into subspace the other week. And afterwards I experienced subdrop for the first time. It scared me. I felt so out of control, almost like I was high, I was clingy, and eventually scared. He got scared and did his best but I was wondering if that was normal for a sub to experience to what I did and what are ways for him to better help me.

I'm afraid I can't really help you much with this, alas I have never really had this issue, at least not to date. I've never gotten more high/hazy than I would with any other REALLY GOOD sexual stimulation. Maybe that's the same thing; I have no idea. I'd say if it bothers you, figure out what put you there, and either avoid it or learn how to work with it. For example, if what pushed you that far was just intensity of pain, then see about dialing the pain back. If you become aware of the tipping point, maybe have a "warning" signal.


Communication, with your boyfriend and yourself is key.

 

[firenzi]

1. Is there a way to tell the difference between one of my submissive needs and my general relationship needs. There is a little bit of distance between us and sometimes I wonder if some of the things I'm feeling are because I'm missing my dom not just my boyfriend. I also would like any advice on how to make it easier.

They may not have to be separated like that, if D/s is part of your relationship then it's natural for those feelings to become intertwined. I've never had a ldr but there's a thread going on here for those in ldr.

2. I am not submissive at all in any other aspect of my life. I am a female engineer so I don't really have a choice in the matter. But there are times that my submissive area crosses over, particularly when my family is involved and they DO NOT like it. They often make fun of me or tell me there is something wrong with me. I was wondering if there is anything I can do to keep that from happening?

I'm not sure what you mean by submissive areas that cross over? It sounds a little bit like you have labelled and compartmentalized "submissiveness"- we have many facets to our personalities, and I'm not sure how you can stop one aspect from showing, especially in front of people you love. Honestly, if your family is constantly putting you down, you might want to seek out some professional supportive counselling. If you mean they are teasing you because they know you're in a D/s relationship, then you might have to set some boundaries- you're an adult after all, you don't have to justify your personal life to other people- either by discussing it with them or if that's not feasible just distancing yourself from them.

3. My last question regards sub-space. I accidentally slipped into subspace the other week. And afterwards I experienced subdrop for the first time. It scared me. I felt so out of control, almost like I was high, I was clingy, and eventually scared. He got scared and did his best but I was wondering if that was normal for a sub to experience to what I did and what are ways for him to better help me.

Because "subspace" and "subdrop" are words people use to describe very individual experiences, it's impossible to say what's "normal". It is very common to experience a letdown after any stressful, emotionally intense experience- it's just brain chemistry and one of the best things you can do for yourself to help to cope with it long term is to look after your health on a day to day basis- healthy diet, exercise (I can't emphasize exercise enough), enough sleep, vitamins, supplements, etc.

You should also plan ahead for it happening- have water and something healthy to eat available, maybe a favourite sweatshirt or something comforting to change into, and be gentle with yourself the next day or two and don't have a lot on your plate.

As for what he can do to help you, that's for you two to discuss and decide. You can't expect him to read your mind, especially if this is new for him. Some people like a lot of touching, some don't, some like talking, some prefer silence, some want space, some want closeness, some want people, some want privacy. Only you can know what you need.

 

[Jaded_One]

Hello everyone,



3. My last question regards sub-space. I accidentally slipped into subspace the other week. And afterwards I experienced subdrop for the first time. It scared me. I felt so out of control, almost like I was high, I was clingy, and eventually scared. He got scared and did his best but I was wondering if that was normal for a sub to experience to what I did and what are ways for him to better help me.

I appreciate any advice on any questions. Thank you all.

Welcome! I so remember the first time I went into "subspace" and it was scary and exhilarating... Master talked me through it, reminding me to breathe, that I was safe, that I was loved.



I tend to experience the same seesaw of emotions... going from the incredible high to an equal low. I believe it's the body's way of coming back into balance. Because Master knows this, he makes sure he gives me extra attention and I've found as subspace happens more that the down time doesn't last as long.