A neophyte in need of advice..

[CodyLee]

I recently came to the realization that I had an interest in BDSM, specifically the Dominant/submissive aspect of relationships. I've been reading quite a bit but have zero actual experience with it. I guess some of my past girlfriends and I did stuff in practice that could be considered BDSM but it was never a conscious thing or explored too deeply. I've always been the dominant one and I've known girls who were into bondage, role playing, rough sex etc. That's the full extent of it; I've never been a girl's "Master."

Now to the point, I've met this amazing girl. We sort of randomly started talking online through a mutual friend. We live a good distance apart so we've only texted, talked on the phone and videochatted over webcam. We've gotten really close though and I learned that she's a submissive. She's a few years younger and still in high school but has more experience in this area than I do.

I'm planning a road trip to go and visit her soon. [Just to be clear, by the time that happens she'll be the age of consent and there won't be any legal issues between us doing anything.] I know I'll need to learn what she's into over time but I'm hoping you can give me some basic advice. Sort of a How-To on being a Dom or interesting ideas I can put to use. Not so much specific sexual ideas since that's fairly straightforward -- I mean more generally how to go about this.

Sorry if this is too vague; feel free to ask any questions.

Also, can someone give me the link to that BDSM survey? The one where you and your (prospective) partner both take it, share it and discuss it. Thanks! - Cody

 

[bhndblueyes88]

I think you sound like you're trying to go into this nice and sensibly, which gives you a plus from my book!

So you know where I'm coming from, My boyfriend and I only like to play around with BDSM activities and dynamics. For a number of reasons, it is not and never will be a "full-time" or even "most of the time" deal for us. I'm certainly not the best person to come to for advice here, as I'm not part of the "lifestyle" and haven't even been here that long I just got to this thread first and am chatty And like, no one's told me to shut up yet...

I think that the most important thing, in all relationships and particularly in BDSM, is to keep the communication lines open. After reading threads here for the past...wait a second has it seriously been a year? I think that thing is lying. Whatever. After reading threads here for a year, that seems to be the BIGGEST PROBLEM people have. They just stop communicating and speaking with the other person. Talk to her about what you're doing, want to do, have done, etc...etc... KEEP talking. If you reach a point when you feel you can't talk to each other, there's probably a problem some where that really needs to be addressed. Honestly, I think most problems you come across can be surmounted just by TALKING with her. Not at her, btw. WITH her. This is, btw, all geared towards "relationship"y advice. I suppose if you're just driving down there for a short booty call and don't plan on developing the relationship, the rules are a bit different. Magh. Whatever.

Also, there's a lot of great reading out there. I'm sure Stella or someone else will pop in here before too long with their usual list of reading recommendations. I haven't read any of them, but everyone seems to agree they're good information!

As a paranoid side note, I'd be careful how much you do with a girl in high school. Even if she's of the age of consent, she's still going to be viewed as a "child" by a lot of people. It probably wouldn't be too hard to wander into some murky and treacherous waters by accident! As an older male, and the person "in charge" of your activities, it just strikes me as pretty shakey footing. Not saying you shouldn't go with it and enjoy! I'd just be careful...


I hope you have plenty of fun, and play safe!

 

[Sir_Winston54]

I recently came to the realization that I had an interest in BDSM, specifically the Dominant/submissive aspect of relationships. I've been reading quite a bit but have zero actual experience with it. I guess some of my past girlfriends and I did stuff in practice that could be considered BDSM but it was never a conscious thing or explored too deeply. I've always been the dominant one and I've known girls who were into bondage, role playing, rough sex etc. That's the full extent of it; I've never been a girl's "Master."

Now to the point, I've met this amazing girl. We sort of randomly started talking online through a mutual friend. We live a good distance apart so we've only texted, talked on the phone and videochatted over webcam. We've gotten really close though and I learned that she's a submissive. (1) She's a few years younger and still in high school but has more experience in this area than I do.

I'm planning a road trip to go and visit her soon. [Just to be clear, (2) by the time that happens she'll be the age of consent and there won't be any legal issues between us doing anything.] I know I'll need to learn what she's into over time but I'm hoping you can give me some basic advice. Sort of a How-To on being a Dom or interesting ideas I can put to use. Not so much specific sexual ideas since that's fairly straightforward -- I mean more generally how to go about this.

Sorry if this is too vague; feel free to ask any questions.

Also, can someone give me the (3) link to that BDSM survey? The one where you and your (prospective) partner both take it, share it and discuss it. Thanks! - Cody

Otay, then... First of all, welcome to the community. There is an absolute *wealth* of information available here, both in the BDSM Library and its threads, and through the members of the community who wander in and out of here like Hobbits looking for gollums. Or rings. Or whatever.

Now, into the meat of your post: (1) x ∞! Dood, do you not know that having *any* kind of sexual repartee or action, even on webcam, with a person under the age of consent, especially across state lines, can land yer ass in a world of hurt??? <== See "Bubba," below.

Also, if the age of consent in her state is below the age of majority, having any kind of sexual contact (including speech, text or video!) with a minor whose age is three, four or five years (depending on the state) younger than you are constitutes illegal sexual contact and has essentially the same criminal status - and penalties - as having sexual contact with someone *under* the age of consent.

(2) As for not making that road trip until she's above the age of consent, get a copy of her driver's license AND birth certificate before you set one wheel in her home state! Okay... that may sound a little distrustful, but damn, guy... annoying her for an hour or a day is a lot better than sharing 15 years of an 8x10 cell with a big ole guy named Bubba!

(3) Within the BDSM Library (linked in my first paragraph), you'll find the following thread with links to a ton of other threads all about checklists, people's likes and dislikes of various checklists, complaints about them, etc., etc., ad nauseum. Check out several of the checklists, see which one(s) seem to cover your interests (and disinterests!), and pick one or two for the two of you to complete... preferably, once she's of legal age.

I don't mean to burst your multi-colored shimmering bubble of love, lust and lasciviousness by harping on the age thing, but I really hate seeing those articles keep popping up in the news, ya know? Just CYA, mah frand... CYA!