Laughter is Contagious

[ga400us]

2010 Tax Return

I filed my 2010 tax return and expected a refund. Instead, I’m being audited!

In response to the question "Number of dependents," I replied:
“12 million illegal immigrants; 3 million crack-heads; 42 million unemployable lazy bastards; the entire cast of the Jerry Springer Show; 2 million people in over 243 prisons; 300,000 leftovers from Katrina; half of Mexico; and 535 more in the U.S. House and Senate.”

Apparently, this wasn't an acceptable answer….

 

[smoothdevil]

I filed my 2010 tax return and expected a refund. Instead, I’m being audited!

In response to the question "Number of dependents," I replied:
“12 million illegal immigrants; 3 million crack-heads; 42 million unemployable lazy bastards; the entire cast of the Jerry Springer Show; 2 million people in over 243 prisons; 300,000 leftovers from Katrina; half of Mexico; and 535 more in the U.S. House and Senate.”

Apparently, this wasn't an acceptable answer….

ssssssssssuuuuuuuuuuuppppppppppppeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrr

 

[ga400us]

ssssssssssuuuuuuuuuuuppppppppppppeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrr

I imagine you could apply this in Ottawa as well!

 

[ga400us]

$5.37! That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me. I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher.

Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid with the Elmo hairdo said the hardest thing anyone has ever said to me. He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."

I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me. "Only $4.68" he said cheerfully.

I stood there stupefied. I am 56, not even 60 yet? A mere child! Senior citizen?

I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with Elmo. Was he blind? As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil. Old? Me?

I'll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile.

Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me, like I could be that easily distracted! What am I now? A toddler?

"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?" I stared with utter disdain at the keys. I began to rationalize in my mind.!

"Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly! It could happen to anyone!"

I turned and headed back to the truck. I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn. What now? I checked my keys and tried another. Still nothing.

That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror. I had no purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.

Then, a few other objects came into focus. The car seat in the back seat. Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard. A partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard.

Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.

Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life. That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found.

I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the restaurant one final time. There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish. All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?"

All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here"? At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle, and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.

Elmo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention.. He was holding up a drink and a bag. His mother explained, "I think you left this in my truck by mistake."

I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.

She offered these kind words: "It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time."

All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40. Yes, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius. And no, I told the officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast.

As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall. I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankey.

The good news was I had successfully found my way home.

Notice the larger type? That's for those of us who have trouble reading.

 

[smoothdevil]

I imagine you could apply this in Ottawa as well!

for sure, especially the political part .... same ilk of people ... lol

 

[ga400us]

The Seven Kinds Of Sex....

The 1st kind of sex is called ... Smurf Sex.
This kind of sex happens when you first meet
someone and you both have sex until you are
blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called ... Kitchen Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for
a short time and you are so horny you will have
Sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called ... Bedroom Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for a
long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you
usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called ... Hallway Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for too
long. When you pass each other in the hallway you
both say ... 'F**k You.'

The 5th kind of sex is called ... Religious Sex.
Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the
afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)

The 6th kind is called ... Courtroom Sex.
This is when you cannot stand your wife/husband any more. She/he
takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And. Last ... But not least .....

The 7th kind of sex is called ... Social Security Sex.
You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy yourself.


PLEASE DO NOT REPLY TO THIS POST TO TELL ME WHAT STAGE YOU ARE IN.

 

[kayte]

The 1st kind of sex is called ... Smurf Sex.
This kind of sex happens when you first meet
someone and you both have sex until you are
blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called ... Kitchen Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for
a short time and you are so horny you will have
Sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called ... Bedroom Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for a
long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you
usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called ... Hallway Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for too
long. When you pass each other in the hallway you
both say ... 'F**k You.'

The 5th kind of sex is called ... Religious Sex.
Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the
afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)

The 6th kind is called ... Courtroom Sex.
This is when you cannot stand your wife/husband any more. She/he
takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And. Last ... But not least .....

The 7th kind of sex is called ... Social Security Sex.
You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy yourself.


PLEASE DO NOT REPLY TO THIS POST TO TELL ME WHAT STAGE YOU ARE IN.

That is hysterical! Thank you for the grins!

 

[kayte]

An old man and a young boy were traveling through their village with their donkey. The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked.
As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding.

The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.

Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk." They then decided they both would walk!

Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey.
Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying "how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey".

The boy and man said they were probably right, so they decided to carry the donkey. As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.

The moral of the story?
If you try to please everyone, you might as well kiss your ass good-bye!

 

[ga400us]

That is hysterical! Thank you for the grins!

No worries! Long time no see, hope you have a great Thanksgiving.

 

[ga400us]

An old man and a young boy were traveling through their village with their donkey. The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked.
As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding.

The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.

Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk." They then decided they both would walk!

Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey.
Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying "how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey".

The boy and man said they were probably right, so they decided to carry the donkey. As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.

The moral of the story?
If you try to please everyone, you might as well kiss your ass good-bye!

Ain't it the truth!

 

[smoothdevil]

An old man and a young boy were traveling through their village with their donkey. The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked.
As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding.

-----------------

The moral of the story?
If you try to please everyone, you might as well kiss your ass good-bye!

so true in many ways ....

 

[kayte]

No worries! Long time no see, hope you have a great Thanksgiving.

Hi {{{{ga}}}}} Nice to see you too.

Have a marvelous and Happy Thanksgiving!

 

[kayte]

so true in many ways ....

{{{{{Smooth}}}}}}

Nice to see you. Happy Thanksgiving!

 

[kayte]

'Potentially' vs. 'Realistically'

A young boy went to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and realistically'?

The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if should would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars," in instructed his son. "Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars; and go ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you learned from that."
So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

"Of course I would!" his mother replied. "We could really that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great university!"

The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
"Oh, my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt," replied his sister. "I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?"

Then the boy went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
"Of course," his brother replied. "Do you know what a million bucks would buy?"

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his father, who asked him, "Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"

"Yes," replied his son. " 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars; but 'realistically', we're just living with two hookers and a gay guy."

 

[smoothdevil]

'Potentially' vs. 'Realistically'

A young boy went to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and realistically'?

The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if should would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars," in instructed his son. "Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars; and go ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you learned from that."
So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

"Of course I would!" his mother replied. "We could really that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great university!"

The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
"Oh, my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt," replied his sister. "I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?"

Then the boy went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
"Of course," his brother replied. "Do you know what a million bucks would buy?"

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his father, who asked him, "Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"

"Yes," replied his son. " 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars; but 'realistically', we're just living with two hookers and a gay guy."

grreeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat

 

[smoothdevil]

Love Bite:

A woman almost bit of her husband's willy as he cooked pancakes for tea - while she gave him oral sex.

In the heat of passion he lost his grip on the pan and spilt boiling oil down her naked back.

She clenched her teeth on his willy and in agony he bashed her on the head with the pan.

Both only admited how they received their injuries after " intense questioning" by hospital docs in Carioca, Romania.

The man needed treatment to his willy while the wife had burns, two broken ribs and a broken cheek bone.

 

[KatNW1]

This is my absolutely favourite joke; it's practically my trademark. It's also always the only mildly dirty joke I can ever remember.

Two well-groomed, obviously middle class (ha ha) dogs were sitting in a vet's office - one, a big, gorgeous Husky, and the other, a well-pampered collie.

The Husky looks at the Collie and says, 'Hey, man, what are you in for?"

The Collie replies, 'My owners have this kid. Good kid and all, but he likes to tease me. The other day he grabbed my tail and yanked it hard; it hurt like hell and I turned around and bit him - you know, not thinking and all. Well, now I'm getting put down for it.'

'Damn!' says the Husky.

'Yeah, it sucks. So what're you in for?' asks the Collie.

The Husky says, 'My owners have this big country house with white carpet in the drawing room. The other day they left my dog door shut and I had to go so bad, I was wandering around trying to keep my mind off of it and before I knew what happened, I'd shit all over that white carpet and now I'm getting put down for it.'

'Aw, man,' says the Collie.

Across from the two posh dogs is a rough, mangy looking mutt who's got a face only a Mom could love and whom has obviously had a rough life.

The two dogs look at each other. 'Bet he's got a good story,' says the Husky. 'Excuse me, but what are you in for?'

The mutt had a harsh, accented voice. 'Oh, well, I was living under a box until this nice lady picked me up and took me home. As it is, she likes to do her housework in the nude. After a nice meal and a nice nap I caught her bending over to hoover beneath the couch and I couldn't help it - I jumped on and gave her the ride of my life.'

'DAMN!' said the other two. 'So you're being put down, then?' asked the Collie.

The mutt waves a paw at the pair. 'Not at all, mate - I'm here to get my claws clipped.'

 

[KatNW1]

Here's another - originally I heard it between architects and engineers, but I've heard and changed the participants/victims in the joke to suit my audience - doctors and interns, nurses and interns (always a fave in my circles!), docs and nurses, engineers and lawyers, architects and lawyers, Duke and UNC supporters, Chelsea and Arsenal supporters - any two groups who are famous/infamous for disliking one another. It's great for its versatility and it's clean, so I can tell it to patients when they come in the clinic.

It's a little predictable for some folks but it generally gets a good laugh.


Three Chelsea supporters and three Arsenal supporters run into each other at the train platform. The Chelsea supporters have three tickets and the Arsenal supporters have one.

'How are you going to get anywhere with only one ticket?' asks a Chelsea fan.

'Ah, mate, watch and learn,' says one of the Arsenal supporters.

They board the train and once it's underway, the Arsenal supporters hide in the toilet when the conductor comes around to punch tickets. The conductor knocks on the toilet door and a hand comes out, the conductor punches the ticket, and continues on his way.

The Chelsea folks are duly impressed!

On the return journey the same six fans run into each other on the train platform again. The Arsenal fans have their one ticket and the Chelsea fans have none.

'Just a moment,' says an Arsenal fan, 'how are you going to get on with no ticket at all?'

'Ah, mate, watch and learn,' answers a Chelsea supporter.

So the train gets underway and as the conductor comes into sight, the Arsenal fans hide in the toilet.

One of the Chelsea supporters knocks the door.

 

[BradBigBrain]

My favorite. And it shows how men and women think so differently.

Her Side of the Story:

He was in an odd mood Sunday night. We planned to
meet at a bar for a drink. I spent the afternoon shopping
with the girls and I thought it might have been my
fault because I was a bit later than I promised, but he didn't
say anything much about it. The conversation was
very slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere
more intimate so we could talk more privately.

We went to this restaurant and he was STILL acting
a bit funny. I tried to cheer him up and started to wonder
whether it was me or something else. I asked him,
and he said no. But I wasn't really sure. So anyway, in the car
on the way back home, I said that I loved him
deeply and he just put his arm around me. I didn't know what
the hell that meant because you know he didn't say it
back or anything. We finally got back home and I was
wondering if he was going to leave me! So I tried
to get him to talk but he just switched on the TV.
Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to bed. Then
after about 10 minutes, he joined me and to my surprise, we
made love. But, he still seemed really distracted,
so afterwards I just wanted to confront him but I just cried
myself to sleep. I just don't know what to do anymore. I mean,
I really think he's seeing someone else.




----------------------------------------------
His Side of the Story:

The Yankees lost. Got laid though.

 

[BradBigBrain]

Here's another - originally I heard it between architects and engineers, but I've heard and changed the participants/victims in the joke to suit my audience

I've heard it as engineers and programmers. It's pretty funny.

 

[Earl]

How many Marines does it take to change a light bulb?













None the Navy does all their technical work

 

[Earl]

There are 2 kinds of ships that sail the ocean, submarines and targets.

 

[smoothdevil]

This is my absolutely favourite joke; it's practically my trademark. It's also always the only mildly dirty joke I can ever remember.

Two well-groomed, obviously middle class (ha ha) dogs were sitting in a vet's office - one, a big, gorgeous Husky, and the other, a well-pampered collie.

The Husky looks at the Collie and says, 'Hey, man, what are you in for?"

The Collie replies, 'My owners have this kid. Good kid and all, but he likes to tease me. The other day he grabbed my tail and yanked it hard; it hurt like hell and I turned around and bit him - you know, not thinking and all. Well, now I'm getting put down for it.'

'Damn!' says the Husky.

'Yeah, it sucks. So what're you in for?' asks the Collie.

The Husky says, 'My owners have this big country house with white carpet in the drawing room. The other day they left my dog door shut and I had to go so bad, I was wandering around trying to keep my mind off of it and before I knew what happened, I'd shit all over that white carpet and now I'm getting put down for it.'

'Aw, man,' says the Collie.

Across from the two posh dogs is a rough, mangy looking mutt who's got a face only a Mom could love and whom has obviously had a rough life.

The two dogs look at each other. 'Bet he's got a good story,' says the Husky. 'Excuse me, but what are you in for?'

The mutt had a harsh, accented voice. 'Oh, well, I was living under a box until this nice lady picked me up and took me home. As it is, she likes to do her housework in the nude. After a nice meal and a nice nap I caught her bending over to hoover beneath the couch and I couldn't help it - I jumped on and gave her the ride of my life.'

'DAMN!' said the other two. 'So you're being put down, then?' asked the Collie.

The mutt waves a paw at the pair. 'Not at all, mate - I'm here to get my claws clipped.'

suuuuuuuuuuuuppppppppeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

 

[why_me884]

Great thread, Laughter makes the world a much better place.

 

[why_me884]

Might I inform the public of this very serious health issue? (I have not read all post so I hope I am not double posting)

Important Women's Health Issue:

* Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
* Do you suffer from shyness?
* Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
* Do you suffer exhaustion from the day to day grind?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or
pharmacist about Margaritas.

Margaritas are the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident
about yourself and your actions. Margaritas can help ease you out of
your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing
to do just about anything. You will notice the benefits of Margaritas
almost immediately and with a regimen of regular doses you can
overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want
to live.

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will
discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start
living, with Margaritas.

Margaritas may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or
nursing should not use Margaritas. However, women who wouldn't mind
nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include:
- Dizziness
- Nausea
- Vomiting
- Incarceration
- Erotic lustfulness
- Loss of motor control
- Loss of clothing
- Loss of money
- Loss of virginity
- Table dancing
- Headache
- Dehydration
- Dry mouth
- And a desire to sing Karaoke

WARNINGS:
* The consumption of Margaritas may make you think you are whispering
when you are not.
* The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to tell your friends over
and over again that you love them.
* The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to think you can sing.

Please share this with other women who may need Margaritas.