n00b Looking for Feedback on a New Story

[HeyItsDani]

Hi, there. I've just had a new story put up, and I'd like to get some feedback on it if anyone has the time to do so. I welcome any thoughts at all on it.

This is the story of two high school seniors, this part specifically about their first meeting and the beginnings of their relationship. Though this is the first of several chapters, this chapter can stand on its own (though it'll leave you hanging! lol).

Paige, Chapter I

 

[PennLady]

Quasi-feedback.

I skimmed your story, and it appears to be well-written. The flow is good, although there was a line or two of dialogue I found a bit overly formal. Your characters seem distinct and likeable.

Sorry I don't have more to offer you -- I don't like stories with teenage protagonists. But you seem to have gotten off to a good start. Good luck in finishing.

 

[Dream_Operator]

Hey Dani,

I enjoyed the story and thought it was well written. You did a good job of describing the excitement, nervousness and uncertainty of putting your heart on the line in the pursuit of a new love.

I thought the final scene would have been better if you used more dialog and interaction between the characters in the lead up to the kiss.

 

[HeyItsDani]

...although there was a line or two of dialogue I found a bit overly formal.

Thank you. Interestingly, I had it a bit less formal in some places, and it was suggested by a couple of pre-reviewers that I take the colloquialisms out of it. lol

Thanks for taking the time to look it over.

 

[HeyItsDani]

I thought the final scene would have been better if you used more dialog and interaction between the characters in the lead up to the kiss.

I believe you're right, it would have made for a better flow if there'd been some dialogue there. In real life, we hardly said a word.

Thanks for taking the time to read it and comment on it.

 

[whome1952]

Having read the story, I agree with the comment regarding slightly more dialogue towards the end.

The style is different from your first story, which I also liked. Both work for the subject matter.

My thinking on the more dialogue is simple, you are painting an image with words, too much description without a break can overwhelm the imagination.

Dialogue can break this up and give you an opportunity to create images through the characters.

Just my thoughts.

 

[KatieTay]

Hi,

The language is just about flawless.

Parts of the dialogue seem a bit stilted, but no more so than in published novels of any kind.

Slight typo error: in the paragraph where Dani asks about boyfriend/girlfriend, "was" is rendered "waswas".

The main character just makes me think of Olivia Wilde, maybe it's the bisexuality. Or maybe it's my inordinate crush on Olivia Wilde.

 

[HeyItsDani]

Having read the story, I agree with the comment regarding slightly more dialogue towards the end.

The style is different from your first story, which I also liked. Both work for the subject matter.

My thinking on the more dialogue is simple, you are painting an image with words, too much description without a break can overwhelm the imagination.

Dialogue can break this up and give you an opportunity to create images through the characters.

Just my thoughts.

Thank you. Glad you liked the other story as well, btw.

 

[HeyItsDani]

Hi,

The language is just about flawless.

Parts of the dialogue seem a bit stilted, but no more so than in published novels of any kind.

Noted. That seems to be the theme here - dialogue.

Slight typo error: in the paragraph where Dani asks about boyfriend/girlfriend, "was" is rendered "waswas".

Interesting. I went back and checked the Word file I created this story in and that's not there. I wonder if that's some kind of bug?

The main character just makes me think of Olivia Wilde, maybe it's the bisexuality. Or maybe it's my inordinate crush on Olivia Wilde.

Also interesting. Any particular character of hers?

 

[KatieTay]

lol no, they're all good. it's mainly just her